“Can I speak to you, confidentially?”
A church leader is asked some form of this question at least several times a year. Normally, it comes from within the church, but it can also be voiced by nonattendees.
For relationally gifted leaders with a pastoral bent, requests for confidential conversations are more frequent.
The most important response to a request for confidentiality is the initial one. Many church leaders feel an ethical or pastoral obligation to grant the request without qualification. With no clue about what will be reported or confessed, many church leaders indiscriminately reply by saying, “Of course, you can.”
But what if the person …
Tells you of his or her affair with a married person in your church?
Informs you that a staff member or elder has behaved illegally or immorally?
Tells you about a child or teen who is being abused?
Shares that a subversive staff member is recruiting people to start another church?
Tells you he or she is thinking about you often and/or feels attracted to you?
If any of these things is said to you, you’d better tell somebody! In most (perhaps all) of the instances above, it would be impossible for you to protect the information without being negligent or foolish. At least one of them carries a legal obligation to speak up.
So, why would you commit to confidentiality before knowing what will be said?
My approach.
When someone asks to speak to me in confidence, I respond, “Unless you tell me something that I have an obligation to share with someone else, we can speak confidentially.”
The word obligation gives me room to discern whether or not I have a biblical, legal, ethical, relational or leadership responsibility to share what I learn.
But notice that’s a relatively long list of exceptions—which is exactly the point. While some people may not speak without receiving a blanket commitment of confidentiality, I prefer to risk not learning of something important rather than risk being bound to keep a secret that I have a greater obligation not to keep.
If the person asks me for an explanation, I say, “If you speak to me about a purely personal matter that does not obligate me to involve someone else, of course it is confidential. But if you tell me about something that my leadership role or relationships require me to act upon, I will have no choice. I can’t know until you share the concern.”
In my case, no one has walked away because he did not accept the ground rules. In fact, some people immediately see the wisdom in such a response.
Confidentiality among leaders.
There are numerous confidentiality scenarios that arise between church members and leaders. Discussing and distilling them with your team would be valuable.
But since this column is primarily intended for leaders, let’s explore confidentiality among leaders, namely church staff and key volunteers.
Two guiding principles shape confidentiality expectations in the church I serve:
