1. Show and Maintain Interest
Some conversations are innately more interesting because of their subject. This makes effective listening much more natural. However, there are times when our interest is given because of the value we place on the relationship instead of the subject.
2. Honor Through Body Language
The majority of indicators of interest are nonverbal: eye contact, pleasant facial expressions, nodding your head, leaning forward, facing the speaker, relaxed shoulders, unfolded arms and removing distractions (i.e., checking your phone or working on a project). When we fail to honor the other person through body language, we create a temptation for them to increase the “force” of their speaking in order to gain our attention.
3. Clarify Confusing Points
Often a confused expression or tilted head is enough to request clarification without interrupting. Good clarifying questions assume that there is a good answer for what doesn’t make sense yet. For example, it is better to ask, “How do [assumes there is an explanation] those two points fit together?” than “How can [expresses skepticism that there is an explanation] those two points fit together?” Times of confusion tend to be critical junctures where grace leaves communication.
4. Summarize Information
Summarize the key points or experiences the other person has shared before giving a response. Beyond insuring that you are responding to what the other person was actually trying to say, this has another benefit. It also allows you to clarify whether your response is to a part or whole of what was said. When we fail to summarize, it is common for partial perspectives/suggestions to come across as total generalizations/fixes.
5. Listen to Affirm/Honor
It is so easy to just listen for what needs to be different, changed or corrected. After all, that is where the progress, growth or change will happen as a result of communication. When we succumb to this temptation, listening becomes a very negative exercise. We also need to listen for what is good, accurate and noble in what our friend is saying.
6. Listen Like You’re Taking a Prayer Request
The question is often asked, “How do I know if I have listened well?” Here is a good litmus test—could you pray for your friend about this topic of conversation in a way that he/she felt like accurately represented him/her to God? Until you can represent your friend’s concern in prayer, you have not listened well.
7. If You Don’t Know What to Say, Ask More Questions
Often the pressure to know what to say is what prevents us from listening well. We become like the person who so badly wants to sleep that his desire to sleep prevents him from sleeping. Listening is best done when we’re relaxed (otherwise our fears focus our attention on ourselves instead of the other person). Giving yourself the freedom to merely ask another question if you don’t know what to say can often be the thing that makes the implementation of these other skills possible.
Questions for Reflection
- In your words, how would you describe the difference between “listening as a participant in the story” and “listening as an observer of the story”?
- What added significance does listening gain when you view it as an incarnational element of ministry?
- Which of these seven skills listed would be most beneficial for you to focus on to grow as a listener?
This article originally appeared here.
