In her book Hope Has Its Reasons, Rebecca Pippert says:
Love detests what destroys the beloved. Real love stands against the deception, the lie, the sin that destroys… The more a father loves his son, the more he hates in him the drunkard, the liar, the traitor… Anger isn’t the opposite of love. Hate is, and the final form of hate is indifference.
Sometimes anger can be the highest compliment. This is true, especially when the anger directed toward us comes from someone who loves us, and who and aims to make us into the best, most life-giving versions of ourselves.
Toxic anger, on the other hand, works against Shalom. Instead of promoting life as healthy anger does, toxic anger destroys and diminishes life. It is not restorative; it is retaliatory and punitive, vengeful and aggressive, unrestrained and uncontained.
Toxic anger doesn’t leave things better. It makes things worse.
Anger can be compared to fire. Fire, like anger, has a lot of redeeming uses. It protects and warms us in the colder months, creates lovely ambiance with a fireplace or a candle, and cooks destructive bacteria out of our food. But if we don’t keep fire inside boundaries, if we let it out and let it run wild, then it has the potential to destroy an entire kitchen, or a house, or a field, or an entire forest, or human life. Let fire rage and it will steal, kill and destroy whatever and whomever lies in its path.
So then, how do we contain and keep anger inside healthy boundaries? How do we use it to leave things better and not make things worse? What can we do to keep it from spreading like wild fire? It starts with the little things. It starts with how we handle the things that trigger us the easiest. It starts with our pet peeves.
One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful with much (Luke 16:10).
Patti and our daughters have the misfortune of living with a husband and father (me) who gets easily irritated by chewing noises. For as long as I can remember, the sound of others chewing and crunching has set me off inside like fingernails on a chalkboard. I recently discovered that this quirk of mine is an actual medical condition called misophonia, which means “the hatred of sound.” Sometimes my irritation with chewing has been so problematic that family members have removed themselves from my presence so they could eat in peace.
Much to my delight, someone recently sent me a link to an article about misophonia, which stated that this condition is a sign of intelligence. I forwarded the link to Patti. She was not impressed. Actually, she expressed frustration because of how this little “pet peeve” of mine had put the members of my family in the awkward position of walking on eggshells during meals. Patti reminded me that my misophonia is also a form of hypocrisy because I eat popcorn and chew gum and sip coffee more loudly than just about anyone.
Another thing I have discovered about my misophonia—my little pet peeve—is that it is God’s gift to me for the formation of my character. Misophonia presses me to make thousands of mini-decisions to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and, instead of blowing a gasket, yield to the Spirit’s fruit of patience when my ears don’t like what they hear. The cumulative effect of nurturing patience with the smaller irritants, which must also be accompanied by the fruit of kindness and self-control, enlarges my capacity for patience when a bigger irritant or even a true injustice comes my way.
Because one who is faithful with little is also faithful with much.
Just as strong biceps and a healthy heart are cultivated by daily workout habits, love’s virtues are cultivated through daily faithfulness in the small things. We will tell truth under pressure only when we have resisted the daily habit of exaggerating and telling white lies. We will give in proportion to biblical teaching on a big salary only when we have nurtured a habit of giving the same proportion on a smaller salary. And when it comes to anger, we will become patient and full of grace in the big offenses as we have first nurtured the daily patience and grace with the smaller irritants. If not contained, these “little” pet peeves will make our loved ones want to eat their food in another room. If we don’t nurture patience in the little things, we can forget ever being able to forgive when the bigger hurts and injuries and betrayals come. And they will come.
Some may ask, “What about justice and betrayal? When deep hurts and betrayals happen to us, are we just supposed to roll over like a doormat and let people step all over us?” How do we keep anger healthy in these desperate struggles?
Did Jesus consider these questions when he said that we should forgive our enemies? Were these things on his radar when he said to bless and pray for those who persecute us and say all kinds of false things about us? Did he account for offenses against us that feel like the ripping of flesh, that feel like an assault to the soul, that feel like being crucified?
I recently heard someone say that a god who is love and only love, a god who accepts everyone and doesn’t judge anyone, is the kind of god that only privileged and sheltered people can believe in. Once you or a loved one has been abused, betrayed, slandered, gossiped about, stolen from or assaulted, you begin to realize how much you need—how much the whole world needs—a God who ultimately will not let people get away with hurting other people. You begin to realize how much the world needs a God who attacks evil in order to defend and protect the good, who puts his foot down with bullies and removes them from the playground, who comforts the victims and gives the perpetrators of injustice their due.
Those who know that God will set every wrong right can truly forgive as God in Christ has forgiven them. Only those who know this will have the ability to pursue justice but to also entrust justice—especially the punitive, retributive payback justice—into the hands of the One who judges justly and who alone has the power to make everything right again. It is only those who know God not only as their Father but also as their Defender, who will be angry but not sin in their anger (Ephesians 4:26). It is only those who know this who will be able to lose their cool—like Jesus’ outburst in the temple, hating what is evil but clinging to what is good—without losing their character.
And there’s one more thing God gives us to help us with patience. There’s one more thing he gives us so we will have an inner resource to bear injury without having a meltdown. What is it?
It’s the gift of non-retaliation.
God, who had every right to retaliate against us, to turn the tables upside-down on us and put us in our place once and for all…chose not to.
God demonstrates his own love for us in this; while we were still sinners, Christ died for us…and Jesus cried out, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing” (Romans 5:8; Luke 23:24).
Jesus gave his life for us, he prayed that we would be forgiven…and he did so not when we were at our best, but when we were at our worst. Not when we were lovely, but when we were unlovely. Not when we were compassionate and kind, but when we were mean and belligerent and cruel. Not when we had good character, but when we had bad character. While we were still sinners—denying, insulting, ignoring, abusing and crucifying him—that is when Christ died for us.
Could there be any better reason to treasure love’s first virtue, the virtue of patience?
Be angry, and sin not.
This article originally appeared here.
