Whether you’re starting a church, beginning a new pastoring role, or stepping in to lead a ministry, no one usually introduces the position as a lonely one. We focus on the ministry potential, the congregation needing a shepherd, and the ways God will miraculously move to better his kingdom. And yet, a recent Barna survey shows 43% of pastors checking the box for “feeling lonely or isolated” as they consider quitting.
Once the initial adrenaline wears off from your exciting ministry role, you’re left with a sobering reality…this gig is kind of lonely.
If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone in your loneliness. Many pastors experience this—like the 43% in the Barna survey. The good news is, we don’t have to settle for those stats.
What Causes This Pastoral Loneliness?
Typical reasons for the loneliness pastors experience tend to stem from the following. Do you resonate with any of these?
- People tend to treat you differently, or they themselves act differently once you answer the question, “What do you do for a living?”
- You always have to be “on” when you’re around people, feeling the need to take on a leadership role.
- Everyone assumes you already have friends, so you’re often left out of invitations.
- With a spiritual leadership role, it’s difficult to open up to people with authenticity about what you’re going through.
- It’s too hard to let people in when they come and go from your church.
3 Reminders for Lonely Pastors
If you’re experiencing one or all of those feelings, there is good news! You can take steps to move past the loneliness. Are you ready to be intentional and put in the effort to get there? Here are three reminders for you as you begin:
Reminder #1: You don’t always have to be “on” as a leader.
Let’s just throw that assumption out the window right here and now. Because the need to lead from a safe distance at all times can actually hinder your ability to connect with people personally. You know the difference between your stage voice and your real conversation voice. You know the difference between your polished answers versus your vulnerable honesty. Sometimes you need to shake off the stage pastor and open up to those around you. And this might mean taking more of a back seat when you’re used to leading the show or naturally commanding attention from a group.
Make it a practice to refrain from commanding the room at all times.
Reminder #2: People will disappoint you.
If you say, “I told you so,” and give up every time someone lets you down, you’ll never move past the lonely stage. The reality is, people will disappoint you. And something we don’t always acknowledge is…you will disappoint people too. It happens. We’re human. Incorporate a healthy dose of forgiveness into your relational diet, continue initiating, and see how God can still use messy people in your life. God will fill the relational holes in your life that are too big for others to fill anyway.
