4. Don’t be afraid to use tools.
One of the best relational tools is a well-placed question. As a parent who often finds himself trying to “break through the ice” with my own teenagers at the dinner table, I use an oldie but goodie:
“Everyone share your high and your low of the day. Youngest to oldest.”
We use this probably once a week. Sometimes we even modify it to just that, “the high and low of the week.”
In my parenting book I provide a bunch of these kinds of ice-breaker questions. Questions like:
“If you could go to any restaurant tonight and order any meal, where would you go and what would you order?”
“If you could go on vacation anywhere for a week, all expenses paid and bring whoever you want, who would you bring?”
You can learn a lot about your kids with questions like that. Their tastes, their friends… whether they’d bring you!
Youth ministry is the same way. Some of us struggle trying to “break the ice” when we are hanging out with a group of kids or leading a small group. Don’t hesitate to use resources like Doug’s Would You Rather books, or any his other ice-breakers. They can provide some really fun ways to get teenagers talking. Or consult books like my book, Connect, where I spend several chapters discussing how to get teenagers talking when you first meet them.
5. Use your eyes and ears before your mouth.
I truly saved my best tip for last. Simply put: notice. Use your eyes to notice what shirt a teenager is wearing—it will tell you a lot. If they’re wearing a vintage Star Wars t-shirt, you can probably get them talking about nerdy topics for hours. If they’re wearing a Ben Roethlisberger jersey… they really need Jesus!
In the same way, if you hear a teenager talking about Facebook, cheer, or her new iPhone, chances are you won’t have to say much to get her talking about it. Notice what teenagers are excited about, ask them about it, and then you won’t have to do much talking at all. You might even wish you never got them started!
Remember, our teenagers really want to be heard. Sadly, they often are ignored by adults. So sometimes they just need to test the waters and see that we’re actually willing to listen.
There’s nothing magical about the tips above. They might take a little bit of warming up and some tweaks here and there. Just make an effort, demonstrating that you care and actually want to listen… the rest will fall into place.
What about you?
Question:What helps you get teenagers talking? Share your thoughts here.
