Easter is next week, and when you look around your church, you’re going to get that uncomfortable feeling that comes from being around all kinds of people you haven’t seen in a while, or perhaps never before. You know, Easter guests – the slackers who only show up at church twice a year, the backsliders who haven’t been to church in five years, and the heathens who wouldn’t know the Pentateuch from a pentagram.
They’re going to take your favorite pew, sit and stand at the wrong times during the service, and double your wait in the coffee line after the service. You don’t want to have to put up with those distractions and inconveniences week in and week out, so here are 12 ways to ensure Easter guests don’t come back the week after Easter:
12 Ways to Make Sure Easter Guests Don’t Come Back
1. Keep to yourself. Avoid eye contact. And by all means, don’t welcome anyone you don’t know.
2. Walk up to someone you haven’t seen for a while and say, “Hey, hey … Look who it is … You don’t think just showing up for Easter is going to get you out of the Big Guy’s doghouse, do you?”
3. Make sure all the greeters, ushers, singers, speakers and everyone involved in leading the service are all of the same ethnic background so that if anyone of a different ethnicity shows up, they know they are considered second-class citizens.
4. Take down all your signs so only the regulars know if a door leads to the pastor’s office, the ladies’ room or a broom closet.
5. During the service, have the pastor pray, “Lord, please forgive all those sinners who have failed to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.”
6. Invite the worst singer in the choir to do a solo.