So, the hope of this post is to encourage those who don’t have any true friends and give you a few suggestions for finding some.
Here are seven suggestions for a pastor and spouse to find true friends:
Be willing to go outside the church — There may not be someone you can truly trust, who is willing to keep confidences and willing to always be in your corner, inside the church. Much of this may depend on the size or even the structure of your church. I have a few of these friends in our church, and did in our last church, but both were fairly large. I found this harder when I was in a smaller church with a handful of strong families within the church. Some of my truest and best friends, however, then and now, are outside the church. This is also healthy because it means if we are called to leave the church we still have a close group of friends. My best friends have been friends through several church transitions.
Consider bonding with another pastor — I guarantee you—not too far from you is a pastor just as lonely or in need of a friend as you are feeling. (And even if you’re not feeling it—you need it.) One of the great benefits of the online world—though it can equally be used for harm—is that you can make connections with other pastors. I have found that if I follow the tweets, blog posts, Facebook updates or check out the church website of another pastor that I can find out a lot about our similarities. I’m not talking about stalking. I’m talking about being intentional to build a relationship. Then I take a chance and reach out to another pastor. I actually have a few vital relationships that have begun this way. In fact, it has been valuable enough to Cheryl and me that we’ve been willing to invest in traveling to visit with friends who live in other cities that I first met through social media. Chances are good, however, for most pastors they won’t have to travel that far. Prior to moving where I am now, I had friends an hour away from me. That was a good half-day investment every couple of months to stay in touch. I’m beginning to develop this where I am now.
Build the relationship slowly — I’ve seen too many times where a person wants an intimate, accountable, life-giving relationship that begins instantly. I’m sure that happens occasionally, but I don’t think it’s the normal way. Take some time to invest in the friendship. My guess is you’re looking for a longer-term relationship, so be willing to build it over a long term. And I usually have multiple meetings with several different guys before I find one where we connect enough to move to a deeper friendship. Again, it’s worth the investment of time.
Find common ground — Do you enjoy fishing, dining, travel, golf or Nascar? Who are some people, whether pastors or laypeople, who have similar interests to you? Take an afternoon to play a round of golf with them. Ask them to lunch. Hang out with them. I have one of my closest friends that I met this way. We simply started having lunch together. We’ve since traveled together as couples, but it started with a lunch invitation to a guy I saw who seemed to enjoy the subject of leadership as much as I did.
