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4 Lies That Cause Pastors to Neglect Their Families

lies pastors believe

Let me give you an example of the kind of lies pastors believe.

The walls of our church’s nursery needed painting. So there I was, on my regular day off with a brush in my hand. A country song I’d never heard before—“The Dollar,” by Jamey Johnson—filled the room as I splashed the first coat of something called Polar Bear over the entrance door.

You may be wondering at this strange confession of a native New Englander: painting to country music. I’m not sure how it happened either. But God will use almost anything to get our attention. The song is about a little boy whose father always seems too busy working to spend time with his son. So the boy saves his pennies and by the end of the song, makes an offer to his daddy:

Mama how much time will this buy me?
Is it enough for just an afternoon a day or a whole week?
If I’m a little short then how much more does daddy need
To spend some time with me?

Standing there, mid-stroke, I froze. What am I doing here? Have I stolen time from my wife and girls, to spend it in this empty room? And suddenly, the bitter irony of my crusade to serve my church at the expense of my family showed through, as that old ugly blue showed through my first coat of white.

Among young pastors and church planters, there’s no less than a deluge of pressure to give every waking moment to our churches, to the neglect of our families. But brothers, it should never be so.

Lies Pastors Believe

Below I want to offer four lies pastors believe that can cause young pastors to neglect their families:

1. I can poorly lead my family and powerfully lead the church.

As pastors, our leadership of the local church is never more important than our leadership at home. Consider some familiar verses: “He must manage his household well…for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Tim. 3:4–5).

At the front door of pastoral ministry, we find that if a pastor isn’t a family man, he’s not a churchman. Notice that for those who have families, caring for them well is a prerequisite to the ministryElders must, before accepting the office, be exemplary in investing in and leading their families well.

Pastors, especially church planters and those coming into a new church, are strongly tempted to bend these family qualifications for the sake of their new flock. But if God would approve and bless our shepherding, we must shepherd those closest to us: our families.

2. My family will admire my work-a-holism because it’s for Jesus.

If we give all our time to the church at the expense of our families, it won’t translate as devotion to Christ. Instead, our families will rightly see it for what it is: an unhealthy obsession with ministry. It smacks not of devotion, but selfish ambition.

On the other hand, we can be sure that the ultimate proof of devotion is presence. We can tell our families we love them, but wherever our highest commitment is, there we will be. Even a 5-year-old understands this. We cannot baptize neglect. We are either present and engaging our loved ones—or we aren’t. And if our love for Jesus means we cannot love our families, then we’re tempting our families eventually to resent us, the local church and even Jesus.

3. After I put the church in order, then I’ll invest more at home.

If you’re at the front end of a church plant or revitalization, chances are there are some large pieces that need to be put in order. But the truth is, your church will never really be “in order.” There’s always another mountain to climb or fire to put out.

We would do well to borrow that old slogan, Semper Reformanda. Our local churches are always reforming. Some churches are healthier than others. But if we delay fully engaging at home to put our churches in order, we’ll never get around to giving our families the time and attention they deserve.

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Jaime Owens is the senior pastor of Tremont Temple Baptist Church in Boston, Massachusetts.