Community is messy business! Having differences in a small group, acknowledging disappointments and hurt feelings, running up against frustrations and challenges is all part of moving to deeper maturity in community and Christ-likeness. If you experience small group conflict, take heart! Conflict can be the very thing that helps your group to break-through to new levels of honesty and freedom in Christ.
When you trace Christ’s interactions with the Pharisees, His reaction at the Temple with the money-changers, and some exchanges with the disciples – it becomes clear that Jesus did not avoid conflict. The New Testament does not gloss over the reality of conflict in community. However, God’s Word makes a difference between constructive conflict and small group pitfalls like senseless quarreling.
There is a mixture of personalities and gifts that will surface in your small group. Sometimes the dynamic that is created will function as a conduit of God’s healing love and peace. Other times, people will feel friction as fellow believers challenge them to turn from complacency and sin and move toward complete commitment to Jesus Christ. Either of these scenarios are desirable, and we ought to pray for them to occur. However, there will be times when small group conflict and confusion arise because of egoism, ignorance, insensitivity, or quarreling over petty issues, etc.
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Let’s take a look at some of the more common sources of small group conflict and how to avoid them so that your small group can be a safe place where grace reigns and authentic biblical community can grow.
How to Handle Small Group Conflict
1. Don’t Tolerate Bickering Over Trivial Issues
Don’t allow abstract theological arguments to ensue over technical points of doctrine or trivial matters. This doesn’t help to build a healthy small group dynamic and it’s a turn-off to those just getting started in their relationship with God. You can ask those who tend to enjoy this to debate outside of your regular group time. Intellectualism is a good thing and can enrich your small group. However, unless it is coupled with “why” and “how” application questions, it is not beneficial in a mixed group dynamic. Promote safety and err toward discussion over debate. Maintain the highest level of awareness toward those with the lowest level of biblical literacy.
2. Beware the “Introversion and Argumentation Correlation”
Petty conflict frequently signals that your small group has turned in on itself. For example, if your group is more concerned with the signs and times of the end of the world more than bringing in the harvest before Jesus returns, there’s a good chance your group has gotten off track. At times you will need to dredge the bottom of your small group’s stream so it can flow again by turning the focus of people away from themselves onto the wandering, lost sheep that should be gut-wrenching for believers. The best way to do this is to engage in outreach together.
3. What if someone begins promoting false theology?
There is a difference between somebody saying something that happens to be erroneous (most of the times this is the case) and somebody who is actually promoting false theology. If somebody is doing the latter, address it head-on. The Bible is the Word of God, and for this reason, the Scriptures need to be the standard of truth in all of your small group discussions. It’s important you show love and grace in how you do this. Here are some pointers for dealing with biblical misinterpretations or false theology that’s shared aloud in your small group:
- Ask the person to clarify what they’re really saying – you might even restate it for them: “Are you saying that_____….am I hearing you correctly?”
- Ask them to show you scriptural support for what they’re saying. Oftentimes, this will bring a halt to it. If they try to justify their position, invite your co-leader or other trusted group members into the conversation by asking them, “What do you think about this?”
- Gently but firmly express the truth and if possible support what you share with a biblical reference and bring closure to the matter – don’t let the individual’s misunderstanding derail the whole meeting. If they are in fact promoting something other than the truth – connect with them privately outside of your group time and be direct in asking them not to do it again. If they’re contentious, contact your coach or pastor for support.
