Home Wellness Affair Recovery: Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Affair Recovery: Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Survive Infidelity
Source: Lightstock

Can your marriage survive infidelity? It depends…Are you willing to do the work necessary to fix a marriage after an affair? The percentage of marriages that survive infidelity varies, but in our experience, if a couple is willing to do the work—the marriage can be saved.

Is There Hope After an Affair?

It could be your worst nightmare to wake up one day and discover the love of your life had or is having an affair. Your spouse having an affair could be something you saw coming. For others it could be a bomb was dropped out of the blue. Regardless of how you found out about the affair, it is PAINFUL. To know your husband or wife was potentially touching, kissing, holding hands with, saying “I love you” to, or having sex with another person is devastating.

You may obsess over the details of what might have happened and at the same time not want to know any of the details at all. It is possible you do not want to know what happened because knowing the details would make it even more painful. Or you could not stop thinking about what he or she did.

It is possible you have spent hours or even days checking phone records, Facebook messages, emails, credit card statements, text messages, etc. to find out what happened. It is common for people who have just discovered their spouse has been unfaithful to experience a time of shock, disbelief and rage.

To be betrayed in this way is devastating, so devastating you may not know where to start to pick up the pieces of your marriage or if you should even try.

“When emotional and physical affairs are combined, research shows that 45% of men and 25% of women have engaged in sexual infidelity.”

Here are some of the common phrases heard from men and women who have discovered their partner had an affair:

  • How could this happen?
  • Was I not good enough sexually?
  • Am I not attractive enough?
  • Am I not romantic enough? Am I not skinny enough?
  • Am I not witty enough?
  • Am I just boring?
  • What do I do now?
  • Do I get a divorce? Separate? Work it out?
  • Who do I talk to about this?
  • If any people knew, would they judge me or us?
  • This will ruin our reputation of being the “it” couple everyone views us as.
  • What really happened?
  • Did they have sex?
  • How often did they have sex?
  • Where did they have sex?
  • What positions?
  • What was he or she wearing?
  • Did they have sex with them the same day they had sex with me?
  • Does my spouse have an STD?
  • Do I have an STD now?
  • What else has my spouse been lying about?
  • I need to find the person with whom my spouse had the affair with and talk to him/her. Maybe it will help me.

All of these thoughts are very normal and the questions need answers. Many of the answers can be found in this article series. Some of them you’ll need to work with an experienced affair recovery counselor to figure out.

What If I’m Not Sure If I Want To Save My Marriage

You Have Time To Make A Decision

Also, it is important to understand making a quick decision during this time about staying together or getting a divorce may not be useful either. Just like someone who has been shot in the chest will have a hard time making big decisions, it is the same way for people who have just learned that their spouse had an affair. You will need to take time to assess the situation when you have healed in order to make a decision you feel good about.

It is important to take the time to gain an understanding of what happened. When you learn your spouse has just had an affair, you may feel as though everyone is looking at you to see what decision you will make next. You may believe you are on some sort of timer to make a decision about your relationship today or tomorrow. This is a false sense of urgency. You may have friends say to stick it out with your spouse or to leave him or her. You may have your kids in mind and be thinking about what they would want you to do. All of these factors contribute to the difficulty of making a decision. Instead of being impulsive, take some time to think about the decision you want to make.

Allow yourself to hurt, feel the pain and process it. After that, begin to decide what you want to do. Consult with people you trust who are not biased and seek professional help.