Jesus undoes our aloneness by inviting us to get curious about and name the fears that underlie our anxiety. Then he wants us to bring the fear to a relationship full of secure love, a relationship with him, our Father.
It’s not just the vertical relationship with the Father in which we are invited to engage. God designed us to need one another as well. The Apostle Paul directs us to share our struggles, joys, and sorrows with one another. He says by doing so we “fulfill the law of Christ” to love one another (Galatians 6:2: Carry the burdens of one another, and so fulfill the law of Christ; Romans 12:15: Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.).
Interpersonal neurobiology confirms what the Bible has always said. What scientists call “dyadic regulation” is what the Bible calls loving one another. This is shown through sharing one another’s burdens and empathetically connecting with the joys and sorrows of one another’s lives. Cradle to grave we need safe relationships to share our lives with.
When a newborn baby’s sympathetic nervous system is activated, the baby cries out for his mother. In a healthy family, the mother hears the cry, scoops up the baby, looks into his face and begins to comfort him. Both through her presence and through practical ways, the mother engages to soothe the infant by addressing his need.
While it looks different in adults, the neurobiology is much the same. When as adults our sympathetic nervous system is aroused, we NEED to connect with another person. Then we can work together to identify the underlying cause of the alarm going off and address the need.
Bearing one another’s burdens isn’t’ just a nice “Christian” thing to do for others—it’s a neurological NEED God wired into every one of us. It is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18)
For a child, the burden is on parents to recognize the cries of the child and pursue meeting the needs. As adults, it’s our responsibility to recognize our needs and to vulnerably seek out others.
I can hear you now: “Ok, Josh, so let’s say I buy what you’re selling. Both neuroscience and the Bible agree; anxiety can be my friend by alerting me to underlying unmet needs, AND God works through healthy relationships in my life to adequately address these needs. Now what?”
Glad you asked. Let’s get practical.
If we are going to make friends with our anxiety, the first thing we have to do is recognize all the strategies we’ve developed to distance ourselves from our anxiety. These strategies, what counselors call defenses, are akin to putting your noise canceling headphones on to try to drown out the blaring smoke alarm.
Defenses don’t actually address what is sounding the alarm; they just distract us from the alarm. They can take the form of drugs, alcohol, porn or more socially acceptable methods like workaholism or a carton of Ben & Jerry’s (I love the one with cookie dough and brownie!).
