You might be surprised to know that worry is actually a defense. Through worry we try to get away from anxiety by trying to think through all the different scenarios that might happen in the future. Anything we use to get away from our anxiety instead of getting curious about what is emotionally driving our anxiety is a defense.
Side note: Sometimes we worry out loud to God and call it prayer. It’s actually not the same thing as listening to our anxiety, getting curious about what is driving it, naming the underlying need, bringing it humbly and vulnerably to the Father, and allowing others to bear it with us. Instead of addressing what’s causing the anxiety, worry actually fuels anxiety—even if we call it “prayer.”
We develop these strategies for dealing with our anxiety when we don’t have access to a better way. They work, to some degree, because they do help drown out the sound of the alarm. But, if the house is on fire, do you really want to just drown out the alarm? And what else might you miss in life if you go around wearing noise cancelling headphones all the time?
If we get honest with ourselves about our defenses, we can choose to move towards our anxiety with curiosity and appreciation instead of trying to run away from it.
Back to our smoke alarm analogy. If the smoke alarm is sounding (i.e., our sympathetic nervous system is aroused), we want to appreciate the alert and get curious about where the smoke might be coming from.
If this isn’t the first time your smoke alarm has been set off and you have done the work of caring for the situation, you might have some clues as to where to start. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest the kitchen.
If this is all new to you, be patient with yourself. It takes a little time and a lot of intentional effort to forge a new path in your brain. Enlist the help of a friend who REALLY loves you and who is not prone to advice giving. Advice giving is often a defense that people use to get away from the anxiety they feel when you share your anxiety with them! They feel the need to “fix” your anxiety so they can avoid feeling theirs.
Any of the core emotions we experience as humans can trigger anxiety (fear, anger, sadness, joy, disgust). As you get curious about the emotions that are under your anxiety, you might be surprised with what you find.
Some common “rooms in the house” I’ve learned to check when exploring anxiety include:
- If x doesn’t go well, I’ll disappoint the important people in my life. (Fear of loss of connection with those that matter most to us)
- If x falls back into y, it will be terrible. (Sadness/grief around powerlessness to make a good outcome happen)
- I’m really frustrated with how x is handling this situation. (Anger about something that is not right)
- I really violated my character and compromised my values in this situation. (Disgust about behavior that misaligns with identity)
- It feels really uncomfortable when I receive positive attention. (Vulnerable joy triggering shame and/or fear)
There are many possibilities for what might be driving anxiety; these are just a few examples to get your curiosity pumping.
Be prayerful about the process. Invite the Holy Spirit to help you know your heart and identify what it needs. Then bring what you find to the Lord and another healthy, trusted person in your life.
Show your heart kindness and compassion the same way you would with someone who is precious to you. The Bible commands us to love others, in the same way we love ourselves (NLT).
Ok, so you have cared for you heart by listening to your anxiety, identifying what is sounding the alarm, naming it, and sharing it with the Lord and another person. Now what?
Naming with oneself, before the Lord, and with another loving person should be enough to silence the alarm on the smoke detector (move from a sympathetic nervous state to a ventral vagal relaxed/peaceful state). If the alarm is still blaring, there is probably still more that needs to be named.
Naming/witnessing the underlying cause of the anxiety doesn’t change the circumstances that are causing the alarm any more than pressing the little button on the smoke detector that silences it puts out a fire.
It does, however, silence the alarm because it lets the alarm know you’ve acknowledged the situation and can now take appropriate action. That’s what the anxiety needs to know to feel safe.
Neurology side note: At a neurological level, naming and dyadic regulation engages the ventral medial prefrontal cortex of the brain down regulating the amygdala, which in turn sends messages via the vagal nerve (10th cranial) to return the body to ventral vagal homeostasis (rest and digest), in case you were curious. Physically, you know this process is happening when muscle tension in the body relaxes along with the gut, breathing relaxes, and the chest cavity feels lest restricted and more expansive. Heart beat also slows, blood pressure reduces, and pupils return from their more dilated state.
Action plan time.
Equipped with the understanding your courageous exploration has armed you with, now you can make an informed decision about what needs to happen next. Do you get a fire extinguisher, call the fire department, or just open a window and flap a towel at the smoke detector?
Each of our core emotions come with an action tendency. That is, God designed our emotions to inform and energy action.
- Fear alerts us to danger and energies moving to safety.
- Anger alerts us to injustice and energies us to advocate for what is right.
- Sadness alerts us to loss and energies us to grieve.
- Disgust alerts us to something toxic and energies us to expel it from our life.
- Joy alerts us to something good happening and energies us to engage it, take it in, and share it with others.
