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My Confession: It's Not What You Think

Note to Readers: My “Dear God” category of blog posts is simply my own written prayers. They are vulnerable, transparent, honest offerings. Most of these prayers are never published, but from time to time, I like to share them. I share my prayers not to be judged but to encourage others to be real and authentic in their talks with God. If you happen to read this, feel free to engage with God yourself, and consider jumping into my own prayer here by leaving comments at www.fredmckinnon.com

Hey God,

Ya know, I prayed on Easter Sunday that You would stir up a passion in my heart and that I would experience Your resurrection all over again. I prayed that You would breathe life into my dry bones. Life keeps getting the best of me. Busyness. Ministry. Work. Parenting. Trying to be a better husband. Entertainment. Over and over again, I keep taking You for granted. I know that in a small, simple way, You answered my prayer. I seem to be more aware of Your Presence again. All of a sudden, I’m feeling that hunger and thirst for You…not out of spiritual obligation but out of sincere desire. That excites me. I think about the past couple of days…unspoken victories…in my heart, in my mind. I can’t say “thank you” enough. Thank You, God.

The truth is I’m pretty overwhelmed. I’m facing some big decisions. Relational decisions. Career decisions. Financial decisions. I’m chasing this dream of a retreat in October and have so many questions and thoughts. God, You know I need to resolve some things in my heart regarding my schedule, invitations to say “yes” or “no” to, financial commitments…and the thought of making those decisions on my own freaks me out. It seems that with more responsibility and more influence, the decisions I make have even bigger impacts. I don’t want to mess things up. I know that You will lead me – I know that You have the answers. My fear is that You have them, but that I don’t stop to find out what they are…and forge ahead in my own strength. God forbid. Help me, please.

I’ve realized how easy it is to rely on my own strengths and talents. God, as I lead people into expressions of worship, I want it to be more of an overflow than ever before. How easy it is to be a professional “worship pastor” – leading from my own talent, strength, and decades of music ministry experience. God forbid. Help me, please.

Countless times, I’ve confessed my selfishness. God, it’s ridiculous. I have to be one of the most selfish people on the planet. This doesn’t glorify You. I confess it. Change my heart, God – help me learn to love others, to listen to others, and to serve others. Teach me the joy in giving sacrificially – not just of money…that’s always seemed to be much easier than giving things like my time, attention, and care.

The bottom line for me? God, I want You to know that I realize how helpless I am without You. I’m stopping to remind myself … and to acknowledge to You that I need You…desperately. I don’t want to walk this path alone. I know You are there beside me. I’m reaching out. Take my hand. Lead me on. I trust You.

In Jesus’ Name.