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Youth Group Kids Leaving the Faith at Alarming Rates Despite Unlimited Pizza and Mountain Dew

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U.S.—A concerning new study has revealed that kids raised in church youth group are leaving the Christian faith at alarming rates, regardless of how much free Mountain Dew and pizza the ministry feeds them in high school.

Youth Group Leaders Lament

“I don’t know what else to do,” says local youth pastor Kaylen Zedwink, known affectionately as “Z-man” by his youth group. “I’ve consumed nothing but pizza and Mountain Dew for the last 12 years. My cholesterol is approaching lethal levels now.

“My body is covered in welts from being constantly shot with paintballs,” Zedwink continues. “I spend $1,200 per month on cool clothes. I study the Bible for hours and hours. Plus, I try to translate it into something these kids can understand. And then they go to college and drop their Christianity like a hot potato. Somebody help me!”

According to sources, young Christians across the country are starving for deeper, more robust teaching of the gospel.

Youth Group Kids Respond

“Give us the solid food,” says Dresdin Breeze, a high schooler in Zedwink’s youth group. “We can handle some deep, difficult study. We need that stuff. Bring it on!”

“But don’t forget the pizza and Mountain Dew. We definitely need that too,” he says.

This satirical article originally appeared here. Thanks to the Babylon Bee for keeping readers thinking—and laughing!

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