When our kids aren’t getting along, after giving them practical directions and the consequences that will follow if unresolved, I leave them to figure out the situation for themselves. And I always tell them, “somebody’s got to give in and not get their way.” I then leave the room but listen from a distance to ensure that there is a balanced resolution.
I rarely if ever have to raise my voice, and I rarely if ever have to figure it out for them. In fact, they don’t want me to figure it out for them, because my process is always accompanied by uncomfortable consequences.
A few tips here:
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If you allow your words to carry weight by speaking for themselves, you will never have to raise your voice.
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When your child understands that they are responsible for their own actions regardless of how they were treated our provoked, it’s a win-win for all.
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The ages, practical consequences, and levels of intensity will vary at different seasons of your parenting.
Have Intentional and Specific Spiritual Training Times
The Bible has a LOT to say about getting along (Matt. 5:9, John 15:12, Rom. 12:14-19, Eph. 4:32, Phil. 2:3-5, etc.). So use it to keep an ongoing discussion about sibling rivalry in your home and how the Bible applies to real-life situations. There have been times in our family life where “getting along” has been an ongoing theme out of necessity in our family devotions and discussions. (Try not to be preachy, but practical here.)
The goal is not to teach your children what to think, but how to think… to resolve problems with them, not for them.
This can and should happen both impromptu in the moment and intentional in the home.
Practical tips:
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Have family meetings where you clearly identify/explain the boundaries and consequences, as well as to discuss how the family has been doing at getting along and avoiding conflicts.
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Praise, celebrate, and reward successes when you see them. Don’t just constantly jump on your kids when you see them getting it wrong. Intentionally look for ways to catch them doing it right.
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Last, but certainly not least, pray. Pray for them. Pray with them. Pray over them. Pray often for God to give you the wisdom to lead your children into a loving relationship with each other, and ultimately with Him.
To answer the final part of the question, “Do things get better with time, and will my children grow out of this?”, I would say, Yes! If you consistently practice these principles with your children, there is light on the other side. 😉 Sibling rivalry goes through seasons of intensity and importance.
Remember, God designed the family in such a way that it would prepare children for how to handle life and relationships in the real world (Think, Love God. Love people). Sibling rivalry, if handled properly, provides an awesome opportunity to do just that. So, for you, the parent currently in the middle of that intensity, recognize that it has a purpose, and you have a huge part in seeing that purpose fulfilled.
This article originally appeared here and is used by permission.
