He observed that purity culture was a reaction to the sexual revolution and that not all of purity culture’s ideas were bad. In fact, the couple said they appreciated many of its goals, such as helping singles seek out like-minded partners, pursue purity, and have integrity and commitment in their relationships.
“Where it goes wrong is when you start to get weird and you start to turn everything into a right and wrong of rules,” said Jinger, mentioning that purity culture “really was concerned about you not giving your pieces of your heart away to different people.”
This mindset meant that people were extremely guarded when pursuing romantic relationships, to the point that they did not want to be vulnerable with anyone until they knew they were going to marry that person. It made people not want to even acknowledge interest in someone else.
But attraction is part of our God-given design, and it is impossible to know if someone is a good romantic partner without talking to him or her. “You can’t just ignore that forever and then just choose somebody,” said Jinger.
Jeremy pointed out that this view of protecting one’s heart tended to “create a lot of fear” and to prevent healthy relationships. Moreover, if people had to know that they wanted to marry someone else before pursuing courtship, that necessity, said Jinger, “puts a lot of pressure on the front end of a relationship.”
“And it was so formal,” she said. “Most of the time it would go through the dad before two people could even talk to each other.” Jinger said she thinks it’s good for a man to talk to a woman’s father “at some point” but not right away. It’s hard for two people naturally to get to know each other if the father is involved from the outset of a relationship.
And while it’s important to honor parents and seek their wisdom, “at the same time, I think there can be an imbalance in that as well,” she said. Parents having a “final say in everything” is “damaging.”
Jeremy mentioned that he got a 50-page questionnaire from Jinger’s father—which he ended up seeing as a benefit because it led to some good conversations between Jeremy and Jinger.
The couple also discussed the purity movement’s portrayal of physical attraction, with Jinger saying that there was a tendency to “over-spiritualize” and “downplay attraction.”
Jeremy said he experienced “that aspect of it.” People would quote him Proverbs 31:30, which says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” That verse, said Jeremy, is “beautiful,” but wanting to be attracted to a romantic partner is still valid.
People would tell him, “Don’t be superficial.” He would counter that he wasn’t but that “I just haven’t met my wife yet.” He added, “And when I met her, I knew.” There are actually parts of the Bible that validate physical attraction, such as the Song of Solomon and Ezekiel 24, where God calls Ezekiel’s wife, “the delight of your eyes.”
