Why This Matters
To move forward, we must own our choices—why we made them and how to be responsible in the face of them.
For example: to a woman who was abused by her dad and then married an abusive husband, I’d say—
“With a pastoral heart—You were deeply sinned against and hurt. The kind of man you felt ‘comfortable’ with, because of your upbringing, wasn’t good for you, so you chose a man who continued your father’s practices. Psychologically, that’s explainable. But let’s talk about how Christ’s grace can redeem your situation, help you make wise decisions now, and help you make better choices in the future.”
I would never tell such a woman that God’s “perfect will” was for her to marry an abuser. That view leans more toward determinism than biblical providence.
Owning Your Choices
Far healthier, spiritually, than resenting God is to say:
“I chose this man/woman. I bear responsibility for my decision. God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”
That shift makes God your ally, not your enemy.
On another level, virtues like kindness, faithfulness, and goodness demand that if I convinced someone to marry me—or agreed to marry someone—knowing it was a lifetime covenant, I must step up to face the consequences. That means not just staying married but staying engaged, working to make the marriage thrive.
A Word to Singles
If you’re single, I implore you: don’t try to second-guess God’s will about whom you “should” marry.
Instead, look for the character qualities Scripture exalts. Romantic feelings can blind us—but bad decisions in marriage have lifelong consequences.
Just last week, I received an email from someone who wrote:
“Sadly, I was one of those people who believed with all my heart that God had only one person for me to marry. I also believed it was God’s will for me to marry my husband. This has had disastrous consequences. Based on all the things you outlined in The Sacred Search, my husband and I should not have gotten married.”
