Her words revealed begrudging responsibility, not sincere desire. In her mind, forgiveness was Tom’s right, and she had to grant it.
The missing piece: She needed to process what had happened, what his repentance should look like, and seek God’s help in cultivating the heart of forgiveness.
Jesus warns us not simply that we must forgive adultery, but that we must forgive “from the heart” (v. 35).
Danger #2: Avoiding Forgiveness Altogether
The second danger is reluctance to encourage forgiveness at all.
Why this happens:
- Natural desire to give the betrayed spouse time to grieve
- Fear of pushing too hard too soon
- Wanting to validate their pain
The problem: If this goes on without ever encouraging forgiveness work, they will easily become bitter and resentful.
RELATED: 40 Reasons to Avoid Adultery
Common Patterns to Avoid:
The Policing Trap
- Becoming “police officers” in their own home
- Constantly investigating evidence of wrongdoing
- Seeking to “make them feel my pain”
- Making revenge the goal instead of reconciliation
Why this doesn’t work: The process of policing doesn’t help a betrayed spouse learn to forgive. It sets them up for a future of distrust and bitterness.
What Good Counselors Should Do
Restrict the Betrayed Spouse’s Role
- Limit their responsibility for their partner’s accountability
- Let counselors handle investigation and accountability
- Free the betrayed spouse to focus on moving toward forgiveness
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