A New York Times report concluded “the leading cause of persistent relationships is reciprocity — returning a friend’s call.” The report cited research that said enduring friendships require friends to touch base at least once every 15 days. If we want our churches to be more friendly places we need to encourage people to create time for friends.
Churches are good at running programs and promoting faith. As a result, a lot of church conversations are either about serious matters of faith (Bible studies, workshops, etc) or focused on the practicalities of volunteering for a ministry or committee.
But many of us know that our really good friends at church emerged not by being on a committee with someone, or even attending a Bible study group with them. Friendships are often forged in the conversations that occur when we’re ‘playing’ together. Hanging out, attending parties, camping, hiking, picnicking, goofing off — these are the occasions where people let their guards down and share more deeply.
If a person’s church schedule is crammed with attending stuff, no matter how good that stuff might be, there might be a problem. Validating the importance of play and encouraging people to share in good, fun, non-religious experiences is really important.
The Onus Shouldn’t Be on the New-Comer
A lot of people have shared with me how tough it is to break into a new church. It’s the newcomer who has to break into conversations. The newcomer has to find common interests and angle for invitations. It’s often the newcomer who does all the hosting of people for a meal. I can relate to this. Since leaving the church we planted, my wife and I have attended two great churches, but in both cases we had to work so hard to make relational connections.
RELATED: Friendlessness
It really shouldn’t be the newcomer’s responsibility. Churches should be learning to embody the grace and hospitality of the gospel and striving to be more like Christ, the friend of sinners. Teresa of Avila wrote, “If Christ Jesus dwells in a person as his friend that person can endure all things, for Christ helps and strengthens us and never abandons us. He is a true friend.”
We can’t sing, “What a friend we have in Jesus” without his friendship affecting how we befriend others.
This article on friends at church originally appeared here.
