I’ve lost count of the number of Christians who’ve told me they either stopped attending or left because they couldn’t make any friends at church. They report that the church people were friendly enough. They were hospitable and welcoming. As one person told me, “They’re nice to you, but no one becomes your friend.” And it hurts when all that friendliness leads only to friendlessness.
The Lonely Crowd: Do You Have Friends at Church?
In the 1950s, sociologist David Riesman coined the term “the lonely crowd,” in part to describe collectives of people who live according to common traditions and conforming values, but who barely know or like each other. I fear the church is in danger of becoming just such a lonely crowd.
I know pastors think long and hard about how to be better preachers and leaders, how to calibrate the church’s ministries to meet needs and serve others, how to be more missional, more adaptive, more innovative. These are all good things. But is it possible that all that leadership development, visioning, and ministry planning might be wasted if people can’t find friends and just drift away?
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Before hosting any more conferences or seminars on vision-casting, living your best life, or finding your spiritual gift, how about we start equipping people to make friends at church? Becoming and being a friend isn’t easy. It takes intentionality and training. It might be your church’s next major challenge.
It’s Not Just the Church
Before we start beating ourselves up about how friendless churches can be, we should note that this is a society-wide problem. In his book, Social, by
People were asked to list their friends in response to the question “Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?” In 1985, the most common number of friends listed was three; 59 percent of respondents listed three or more friends fitting this description.
But by 2004, the most common number of friends with whom you would discuss important matters was zero. And only 37 percent of respondents listed three or more friends. Back in 1985, only 10 percent indicated that they had zero confidants. In 2004, this number had skyrocketed to 25 percent.
As Lieberman says, “One out of every four of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with.”
