There will be time down the road to sort through all the different emotions you are feeling. Right now, you need to try to be aware of what you are feeling, to acknowledge what you are feeling, and to try to take care of your heart.
Angry
It is normal to be really, really, really angry. Like enraged. It is normal to think about ending your spouse’s life or the affair partner’s life. We strongly encourage you don’t. However, you are not crazy if the thought crosses your mind. From a Christian perspective, God gets really angry about sin, so for you to feel really angry about your spouse’s sinful choices is consistent with the heart of God.
Scared
Few experiences are more world-rocking than the betrayal of a spouse. It is normal to be terrified about the unknowns and doubt the past.
Confused
Give yourself permission not to answer all the questions right now.
Panicky
Fear and confusion can lead us to doing some odd things. For example, sometimes people feel the need to be really close to their spouse after they discover what has happened. They feel the need to “fix it” by doing whatever it takes to “save the marriage.” This behavior is normal and might or might not be something you feel.
Relieved
Sometimes there is a sense of relief. You might have suspected something was going on but could never quite put your finger on it. Maybe you felt crazy, but now you understand.
Sad/Depressed
It is impossible to go through betrayal by a spouse without experiencing some level of depression. The severity and duration of depression you experience depends largely on how well you take care of yourself through this process. It is normal to feel all the emotions above and more. Feeling them intensely does not necessarily mean you have to act on them. When you feel like killing your spouse or harming yourself, you do not have to act on that impulse. Sometimes, we get caught trying to figure out what is right, what we have the right to do, or what is justified. A better question is: What is going to be helpful? While attacking your spouse verbally or punching the affair partner in the face might be what they deserve, will it really help the situation? A good counselor will help you answer the question: What is going to help me reach my goals?
Don’ts of Self-Care
- Post on Social Media
- Binge eat, drink, shop
- Make major life decisions (divorce, change job, move)
- Tell family prior to talking to a professional
- Take responsibility for your spouse’s behavior or choices
REFERENCES
- Snyder, D. K., Baucom, D. H., & Gordon, K. C. (2007). Treating infidelity: An integrative approach to resolving trauma and promoting forgiveness. psychologist psychologist, 12. [1]
- Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1997). Reconstructing marriages after the trauma of infidelity. [2]
- Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family therapy, 38(1), 145-168. [3]
- Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2005). Treating couples recovering from infidelity: An integrative approach. Journal of clinical psychology, 61(11), 1393-1405. [4]
- Learning to Love Again After an Affair – The Gottman Institute
- AffairRecovery.com – First Steps Bootcamp
This article originally appeared here.
