Ahh, youth group. That sweet collection of awkwardness and overpowering body odor. If you’ve spent any length of time in church, you’ve probably attended or sent your kids to youth group. If so, you know it’s a perfect microcosm of both the church and society. You also know it requires a huge dose of humor.
Here are 14 types of kids you’ll find in every youth group. (FYI: I was a terrible combination of #1, #2, #3 and #4.)
14 Typical Youth Group Attendees
1. The Pastor’s Kid
The pastor’s kid is usually either a hyper-pharisaical annoying moralist who knows all the answers (me) or a rebel without a cause who listens to death metal, smokes weed, and leads the smoke breaks at youth group. In rare “flip-flop” cases (technical term), he/she can be both during a four-year youth group career. The even rarer “Two-Faced Pastor’s Kid” can pull off both simultaneously, though this requires a near sociopathic personality.
2. Guitar Guy
Guitar guy does everything, including volleyball and using the restroom, with a cheap acoustic guitar around his neck. Because he’s been playing the guitar for only six months, he almost always plays Green Day songs. (They have somewhere between one to two chords per song.) Depending on his personality, he will almost always evolve into “Beautiful Voice Heartthrob Guy” or “Greasy-Haired Speed Metal Guy.”
3. Answer Girl
Answer Girl knows it all and ensures that everyone knows that she knows it all. She has the unique ability to raise her hand before a question is even asked. Kids always pick her first for Bible Trivia and last for just about anything else.
4. Homeschool Kid
The Homeschool Kid has the social skills of a highly trained manatee. But they manage to overcome this deficiency with stunning amounts of enthusiasm. No, they can’t sustain a conversation or eye contact for more than four seconds, but they go absolutely bonkers during youth group games. Their enthusiasm is primarily due to ecstasy over getting to interact with other humans.
5. Early Puberty Guy
By age 10, Early Puberty Guy had a full beard, rippling muscles, and sung bass in the choir. He usually has the hygiene skills of a howler monkey, leading him to douse his body in copious amounts of Axe body spray. At least once per youth group, you can count on him hitting a 40-pound girl in the face with a dodge ball thrown at 140 mph. Youth group attendees either hate Early Puberty Guy or are in awe of him.
6. Harmony Diva Girl
Harmony Diva Girl never misses an opportunity to sing harmony during worship. She likes to hold the final note of a song at least three minutes after it has ended. Her parent is always a singer, and it’s not uncommon for them to deliver the special music at church functions. Harmony Diva Girl and Guitar Guy often team up to deliver an incredibly vocally rich acoustic cover of “Time of Your Life.”
7. Short Shorts Girl
Despite having sat through 4,391 talks (not sermons) on modesty and wearing a purity ring since age 4, Short Shorts Girl still pushes the boundaries of racy fashion. She wears the short shorts for one of two reasons: She is either blissfully unaware or fully aware that every youth group guy is staring at her.