“There’s a big difference between a difficult marriage and a destructive marriage,” she said. “I think sometimes churches are really, really good at helping women who are in difficult marriages, and I thank God for pastors who are passionate and for women’s ministry directors who are passionate to help marriages thrive and all of that. I’m so grateful for that.”
“I’m very pro-marriage, but when a woman is in a destructive marriage—or even it can be the other way around, when a man finds himself in a destructive marriage—that requires a whole different kind of help,” said TerKeurst. “And so I really do see it as my job to help fill that gap.”
One way TerKeurst is doing so is through a nine-part video series she has recorded called “Moving On When Your Marriage Doesn’t.”
The final question TerKeurst answered was from a woman who said, “Your story could be mine. From infidelity to breast cancer and loss of my colon, after the fifth affair I’m considering leaving my husband. What is the most profound thing the Lord taught you in the loneliness as the house is quiet and the noise is deafening?”
“First of all, I’m so sorry that you have walked the same path that I have walked,” TerKeurst said. “It just breaks my heart.”
“I think one of the best things that I could say is, you know, if your husband has had five affairs, at some point, he’s not just making mistakes,” she observed. “This has become a pattern of behavior. And if he is unwilling and incapable of being faithful after all these chances, I really think that it’s time for you to take an honest step back and don’t go at it alone.”
TerKeurst encouraged the woman to “get some wise people” around her to help her. “I would definitely encourage you, don’t go at this alone,” said the ministry leader, who also recommended her “Therapy & Theology” podcast as a resource. “Get some people around you.”
TerKeurst said that she has experienced loneliness prior to being married, loneliness in marriage, and loneliness after marriage. By far, the worst type of loneliness was the loneliness she felt in marriage when her husband was having an affair. “So the loneliness on the other side of a marriage, it’s intense,” she said, “but you can fill that. It doesn’t just have to be a season where things were taken away from you.”
TerKeurst learned to replace her “spiraling thoughts” with encouraging truths about herself. She learned to rediscover who she was. “I had lost who I was,” she said. “I had been told I was no fun. And then I discovered I am so much fun. I just like legal fun, you know?”
“Let God help you rediscover who you are and how you are, and don’t jump too quickly into trying to date,” TerKeurst said. “Just be with the Lord for a good, long season and heal. Because if you don’t, you’ll gravitate right back to what feels normal and you’ll pick someone very, very similar [to] your ex-husband.”
