I was asking a friend of mine who has done online dating for a while how it’s been for her, and her response was very positive. She didn’t seem to relate to what I said about the impact it’s had on my mental health. She said she’s met a lot of great people through it and has had a lot of good experiences. She’s also currently burned out and in need of a break from it.
A different friend of mine who has done online dating for years acknowledged its challenges while describing how she has attempted to move through them with resilience, learning from and growing through her experiences. She noted that the past year of online dating has gone much better for her than previous years have.
So people are different, and it’s not all bad. However…
How Long Do You Think You Could Do This?
Imagine that you navigate the scenarios I’ve described day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, without actually meeting anyone that you’re interested in and who is interested in you. You check your apps every day, carry on conversations as you can, and go on dates here and there. You take breaks as needed.
Probably, as I did, you go on some very nice dates during that time, but they just don’t go anywhere. You’re also dealing with the rudeness, the weirdness, the ghosting, and maybe a creep or two (hopefully not more!). Perhaps in that time, you have a relationship. When your relationship ends, you know you’ll eventually have to jump back into the fray and start all over again, facing what I’ve just described.
How long do you think you would be able to do that and be hopeful that you will meet someone? I know people who have done online dating for years and have yet to meet their person.
How long do you think you’ll be able to try online dating and be able to engage in it in a way that is positive and respectful toward the people that you’re meeting?
Because there’s no point in attempting to date if you expect every person you meet to be a jerk. Maybe the person you’re about to go out with is a jerk, but if you go into the date acting like he is, you’re sabotaging any chances the date might have.
And of course, that approach would be totally unfair to the guy, who is most likely going through the same online dating experiences you are. I’m not claiming to know what it’s like to be a man doing online dating, but I believe men are also having a difficult time with it for any number of reasons.
I connected with a guy one time on a dating app who messaged me for a few days and then stopped talking to me. This is typical, so I didn’t think anything about it. But then he messaged me again out of nowhere, apologizing. He explained that he was having a hard time with online dating and needed to take a break from the app. That was so refreshing. I really appreciated that, and told him so. I wish more people were that direct and honest.
Or what about this: How are you going to continue online dating and maintain a view that God is sovereign over your life and loves you? That is, how can you keep believing God is sovereign over online dating and loves you in online dating?
That’s a rhetorical question. I know all the right answers. My point is that what I’m describing is a version of the problem of evil that many Christians attempting online dating have to wrestle with, whether that seems trivial or not.
I have some thoughts on practical ways you can support the Christian singles in your life, as well as on ways not to do so, which, as I mentioned, I’m going to offer in a follow-up article. I’ll end this one by sharing that what has helped me the most is having trusted people in my life who are able to hear about my online dating struggles, validate and affirm what is challenging about them, and speak the truth to me about God and myself when appropriate. Mostly, they just listen well and offer their empathy.
When the lead pastor of the church I attend stepped into his position, he told the congregation one of several areas he wanted to focus on was ministry to singles. Even just hearing him say that was immensely encouraging to me. He later met with focus groups of singles and led the church in convening a seminar to continue the conversation on the experience of singles in the church. I so appreciate the care his actions have demonstrated.
Church leaders and anyone else who has made it to the end of this article: Thank you for listening. I hope you’re encouraged to consider how you might show the single people in your congregations and your lives that they are seen and to consider how you might encourage them.
And I hope you’re moved to pray for Christians who are pursuing online dating and to help us to keep moving forward putting our hope in God and not in anything else.
