Here is my hot take: To date in the modern age, you have to be willing to sacrifice your mental health.
That’s right. You have to jeopardize your own precious mental health if you want to find a spouse.
Ok, I came out strong with that statement, and to be fair, I’m specifically talking about online dating. I realize there are plenty of people who meet their spouses without ever trying online dating. However, online dating has increasingly become an avenue people turn to for finding a life partner. For me—and many others like me—it feels like the only option.
I also want to acknowledge that I have friends who have not found online dating to be as taxing to their mental health as I have and whose views of it are more positive than mine (I do have positive things of my own to say!). At the same time, I know people who won’t engage with online dating at all because of how toxic it can be.
I believe that most people who are not attempting to date right now don’t understand just how demoralizing online dating can be. I say that based on the constant shock people react with when I describe my typical online dating experiences to them. Besides, if you’re not in a place where you have to pursue online dating, why would you know much about it?
I am a 40-year-old woman who has never been married. I’m a Christian who grew up in a Christian home and am a professional, educated person who has been fortunate to have had many opportunities to travel inside and outside of the U.S. and meet people of many different backgrounds.
I have pursued online dating off and on for the past four years or so, taking breaks when I’ve been in relationships—or when I needed to for my mental health. Let me tell you something: It is rough out there.
This article comes from a desire to help church leaders understand a little better just how difficult it is for singles to find a life partner, especially if those singles are older. Americans are marrying at increasingly older ages, so chances are pretty good this will be relevant to your congregation. This article is also for anyone who has single people in their lives whom they love and want to encourage.
There might be some practical steps you can take to help the singles in your lives. But most importantly, I would simply like you to be aware of our situation so that you can walk the journey with us well. I have found such support to be crucial.
Online Dating in the US
I’m limiting this article to online dating, as opposed to dating in general, because I believe there are unique challenges that come with meeting someone online. I’m also going to focus on the experience of trying to get a first date and not on what happens when those encounters blossom into anything more.
What does the data say about the state of online dating in the United States? In 2022, Pew Research Center surveyed American adults and found that 3 in 10 had ever tried a dating app. Forty-two percent of those surveyed credited online dating with making the search for a life partner easier. I have to agree with this group. My opinion of online dating is not high, but without it, I’d be up a creek.
Pew reported in 2020 that half of American adults, and a majority of women, believe that dating in general has gotten more difficult over the past 10 years. According to data published in February from the Forbes Health/OnePoll survey, which polled 5,000 Americans who have actively dated in the last five years, “nearly 45% of survey respondents reported online dating apps to be the place where they met people to date, making it the most popular spot.”
Sadly, I have not been able to find any good, recent statistics about Christian dating specifically. A 2018 poll (I know, this is ancient) by Debra Fileta that surveyed 500 Christian singles across the country found that “over 80% of Christian singles have tried online dating.”
For what it’s worth, this article from early 2024 cites research saying that online dating is growing among senior Christians. By the way, I don’t believe online dating gets any easier as people age; if anything, I think it’s the opposite. My aunt, a widow, is about 20 years older than I am and has tried it. Her stories are just as rough as mine.
But First, a Little About Me
Before I get into my online dating journey, I want to tell you a little about myself so that you can see how my background and values shape my approach to dating.
I grew up homeschooled all the way through high school in a conservative Christian home during the purity culture movement of the 1990s. No offense to Josh Harris, who has since apologized for and stopped publication of his most well-known book, but I am one of the people “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” affected for the worse.
RELATED: Joshua Harris Shares ‘Updated Version’ of His ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ Apology on Instagram
