In case you’re not familiar, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” was part of the purity and courtship movements of the 1990s. These movements were a reaction to the sexual revolution and called Christian young people to beware of dating and to save themselves sexually for marriage.
While this emphasis on honoring God’s design for sex was good, many people (myself included) now see a number of flaws in the purity movement. These include that it promoted a fear-based approach to pursuing relationships, portrayed marriage as better than singleness (despite the Bible’s clarity that singleness is good and desirable), and promoted the idea that people who obeyed God would have amazing sex and an amazing marriage—which is a version of the prosperity gospel.
I am beyond grateful for my parents and for many aspects of my upbringing, but I was relatively sheltered. I was not encouraged to date, per the fact we bought into the purity movement’s ideas, even as I entered adulthood. I had one relationship in college that I did not call “dating” (although that’s what it was), and my parents put what I believe were overly strict limitations on that relationship. For instance, when we weren’t seeing each other in person, my non-boyfriend and I were only allowed to talk on the phone for 30 minutes every day.
I was definitely interested in different men in my 20s, and one of those interests almost went somewhere. However, I am sorry to say it was not until my 30s that I sort of “woke up” as it were and began really asking myself what it looked like for me to pursue finding a life partner since he had not shown up yet. I am grateful to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend for their book, “Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships,” which I found helpful around that time.
As I began to explore dating and to think about how I wanted to approach it, I developed my own set of beliefs and values—which of course I have not always lived out perfectly:
- I believe that God is sovereign over me and the people I meet.
- I see a therapist, mainly for my own growth, but also in the hope that I’m breaking unhelpful patterns that could thwart me in a relationship.
- I try not to be too picky. If a guy doesn’t have red flags, fits in my age range (it’s within reason), shows signs of being a genuine Christian, and seems like I could be attracted to him, I’ll go on a first date with him and probably more than one.
- I’m not going to knowingly marry a man who is using porn, but I expect that it will at least be part of his past.
- I believe sex should be saved for marriage.
- I get advice from trusted people in my life about how I’m approaching dating and interacting with the people I meet.
- I believe in being direct with men, as kindly as possible, about whether I am or am not interested, as opposed to using vague, passive language to avoid uncomfortable situations.
- I’ve made a habit of only matching with a man on dating apps if he gave me some reason to think he was a Christian.
- I believe it’s important to approach dating with a hopeful, positive attitude.
Keep in mind as you read about my online dating experiences that I was only pursuing dates with people I had some reason to believe would be committed followers of Jesus.
In writing this article, I’m asking for a certain degree of charity from you. You don’t know me, and one hesitation I have while writing this is the fear that I might just sound like I’m complaining. I also hope you won’t assume the reason I’m not yet married is because I am the problem. I could be, but it would be nice of you not to assume that. 🙂
I do, however, want to acknowledge the limitations of what I’m offering: You’re getting the point of view of a never-married, female, older Millennial who has faced a particular set of struggles. You’re getting my specific personality, shaping how I’ve handled and responded to my experiences. You’re not getting a perspective shaped by someone who is a parent, divorced, male, or younger…or who has gone through any number of other life events.
Nevertheless, based on the data I’ve mentioned and numerous observations, I believe what I have to share is relevant to many people—particularly women—in the church.
Why Turn to Online Dating?
Why try online dating? What about just organically meeting someone in person? What about being set up? Those are great ways to find a relationship! I have dated people I’ve met in those ways.
But I have to tell you, these opportunities have come along so rarely that, for me, they’re essentially non-existent options for meeting a life partner. If I were to stick with those routes, from a purely practical standpoint I’d be looking at years before I met someone again, with my already diminished chances decreasing as I age.
RELATED: Jackie Hill Perry, Preston Perry Urge Singles To Wait on God, Not Resort To Dating Unbelievers
I turned to online dating apps because that is becoming the norm (if it isn’t already), and it was the most accessible way I could actively do something to pursue a relationship. As I said, I know people my age who will not try online dating or have tried it and won’t any more because of how toxic they find it. And that is totally valid because, again, online dating requires you to risk your mental health.
Why Online Dating Jeopardizes Mental Health
Dating is already hard, but at least, say, with being set up, if the people who are setting you up are friends you trust, you know from the outset that the person you’re going on a blind date with is probably not crazy. Probably he is holding down a job, and he’s displayed other markers of being a stable adult.
There might even be a reason why your friends think he could be a good match for you. And when people set you up, chances are pretty high that you will actually go on the first date, versus it falling through (chances of an online first date falling through are much higher).
I believe the main reason why I have found online dating so taxing to my mental health is that (1) there is a lack of widely agreed upon norms and (2) digital connections have all the durability of a spider web. So the processes of dating that should enable two people to get to a simple yes or no regarding interest in a first date become inherently uncertain and therefore highly stressful.
Normal Online Dating Experiences That Shouldn’t Be Normal
First of all, you should be aware that it’s typical to match with a guy who never sends any message at all, even if he initiated the match. It wasn’t unusual for me to have five or more matches at one time with no conversations happening, ever.
It’s normal to match with a guy and have an interaction (notice I didn’t say “conversation”) that goes literally nowhere because he gives brief responses and asks no questions.
