Religious Hate Crimes on the Rise: Justice Department Testimonies Cite Inflammatory Election Campaign Rhetoric as Contributor

May 10, 2017

On May 2, 2017, a committee assembled to present information to the Justice Department concerning the growing threat hate crimes represent in the United States. The conclusion of key witnesses and experts points to the lingering effects of the incredibly divisive election we endured last year.

The committee was ordered by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, with the intention of studying the issue of hate crimes, particularly how law enforcement can better investigate and document them. The conclusion to be drawn from the information presented is clear: Hate crimes are on the rise, and factors such as the divisive rhetoric used by the Trump administration—both during the campaign and after taking office—are not helping. Additionally, everyone seems to agree that the first step in combating this rise is to be open and honest about what is happening.

As is usual in Justice Department hearings, both a republican and democratic representative make statements at the beginning of the hearing.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) cited things like the bomb threats to Jewish community centers, the arson and vandalism of mosques, murders of people that look Muslim or Sikh, and crimes against immigrants as examples of hate crimes currently on the public’s radar. While republican Senator Chuck Grassley’s statement also acknowledged the problem with hate crimes, Leahy actually called out the Trump administration’s influence on the spike in crimes.

“I have made it clear over the past many months that statements by this president and from his senior officials alarm and trouble me. I remain concerned by the hateful beliefs and conspiracy theories espoused by White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, the President’s national security aide Sebastian Gorka, and others within this administration,” Leahy said.

This sentiment was echoed by Senator Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii), whose words were reported by PBS Newshour: “It’s no accident that there is a rise in hate crimes, because we’re in an environment where the president targets Muslims with his language.”

Eric Treene represented the Justice Department’s special counsel for religious discrimination. Treene summarized the statistics gleaned by the FBI and the Bureau of Justice. There has been a 23 percent rise in hate crimes against people based on their religion, “including a 67 percent rise in anti-Muslim hate crimes and a 9 percent rise in anti-Jewish hate crimes” from 2014 to 2015. Treene made note of the fact that the number of law enforcement agencies engaged in collecting data on hate crimes rose from 11,690 in 2000 to 14,997 in 2015. However, the data reports the overall number of hate crimes has declined, when crimes based on race, ethnicity and sexual orientation are included with religion-based crimes. While these other subcategories of hate crimes have decreased slightly, religion-based incidents have actually increased.

Data collection is a point Treene spent a little bit of time unpacking. He explained these first statistics were provided by the FBI, and they rely on voluntary reporting by state and local law enforcement agencies. Thus, they are “only as accurate as the identification and reporting processes that law enforcement agencies put into place and implement with all of their officers.” In contrast, the Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) gets its information from polling households each year. Treene says the BJS numbers suggest the incidence of hate crimes may actually be increasing, where the FBI data suggests they are decreasing overall. The conclusion to be draw from this discrepancy is that hate crimes are on the rise, but may not be reported to authorities.

One of the key witnesses involved in the hearing, Jonathan Greenblatt of the Anti-Defamation League, cited the election as driving a higher rate of incidents. Speaking specifically of crimes against Jewish communities, Greenblatt said, “Nearly 30 percent of all incidents (369) occurred in November and December 2016, spiking immediately after the election. Our Audit includes 34 incidents linked directly to the election.” Greenblatt said white-supremacists, other anti-Semites and bigots were emboldened by the divisive election campaign language which featured “anti-Muslim rhetoric and anti-semiotic dog whistles.”

Danita Gupta, the incoming President & CEO of the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights says the problem with hate crimes isn’t strictly with those we typically see targeted. She gave examples of South Asians in particular who were targeted on the false perception that they were Muslim.

The general consensus of all those giving testimony can best be summarized by the words of Dr. Pabhjot Singh, a medical doctor and the victim of multiple hate crimes: “We cannot address what we do not know.” Dr. Singh offered two suggestions to abate the rise of hate crimes: to make the reporting of hate crimes mandatory and to hold politicians accountable for their inflammatory words. Chief Will Johnson, of the Arlington Police department, confirmed Singh’s words, at least regarding reporting, by saying “one of the greatest barriers to confronting and overcoming hate violence on national, state and local levels has been the lack of firm statistical data on the incidence and nature of those crimes.”

Despite being seen as a big contributor to the rising problem with hate crimes, President Trump has said some encouraging things on the topic. In his first address to congress on February 28, 2017, the president said that “while we may be a Nation divided on policies, we are a country that stands united in condemning hate and evil in all its forms.”

Mark Batterson: How Jesus Modeled Manhood

May 10, 2017

Mark Batterson serves as lead pastor of National Community Church in Washington, DC. NCC is focused on reaching emerging generations and meets in theaters throughout the DC metro area. NCC also owns and operates the largest coffeehouse on Capitol Hill. Mark holds a Doctor of Ministry degree from Regent University and is the New York Times bestselling author of 11 books, including The Circle Maker and his newest release, Play the Man. Mark is married to Lora and they live on Capitol Hill with their three children: Parker, Summer, and Josiah.

Key Questions:

How did you come to the seven virtues of manhood you’ve laid out in your book?

How have we missed the mark on how Jesus modeled manhood?

What advice do you have for fathers with children still in their homes? Grown and out of the house already?

What practical ideas do you have for pastors seeking to equip the men in their churches to be men?

Key Quotes:

“Thank God for youth pastors, but it’s not their job to disciple my kid. That’s my job as a father.”

“I define tough love as letting seven-inch spikes go through your hands and your feet. It’s willing to sacrifice your life for someone else. Jesus sets the example; he is the ultimate tough guy, if you will.”

“Most pastors have more vision for their church than they do for their family.”

“God created us male and female for a reason, and I think those differences ought to be celebrated. But we live in a culture where there’s almost a blurring of the line or a little bit of confusion.”

“I want to be famous in my home, and to me success is when those who know you best respect you most.”

“There was a physical toughness and a mental toughness to the person of Jesus.”

“If the church doesn’t have enough vision, I’ll tell you what happens: We create problems to keep us busy.”

“What I’m calling for is a holy use of testosterone.”

“I think we try to tame people in the name of Christ because it’s safer, it’s easier.”

“Jesus basically spent three years hiking, camping, and fishing with 12 guys.”

“Don’t just be a father—be a spiritual father.”

Mentioned in the Show:

Play the Man: Becoming the Man God Created You to Be

Mark Batterson: Advancing God’s Kingdom and Helping Your People Chase Bigger Dreams

Are Growing Churches Just Lucky?

Carey Nieuwhof

May 9, 2017

There’s a theory out there that goes something like this: Growing churches grow because, well, they just got lucky.

It’s like they won the talent lottery, the gifting lottery, the demographic lottery (right neighborhood), the nice-people-who-attend-their-church-and-don’t-block-change lottery, the perfect timing slot machine and just about every stroke of luck you can manufacture in your mind.

The dark underbelly of the theory?

They won the lottery. We didn’t.

Is there truth to the lottery theory?

Well, almost any leader will tell you it wasn’t the lottery (and that gambling is just a bad idea in any form), but they will acknowledge providence or divine favor.

For sure, they’ll simply be unable to describe why things have gone so well for them (just listen to Andy Stanley’s refreshing response when I asked him the question on Episode 1 of my leadership podcast).

First, that’s a sign of humility, which is wonderful to see. None of us can claim full credit for the good in our lives.

But that’s just too easy to say “See, it’s 100 percent divine favor. They have it. We don’t.”

Not so fast.

Because that would mean there’s nothing you can do to become more effective at realizing your mission. It discounts the practices growing churches adopt which other churches don’t. And it ignores some easily adoptable practices that could help any church do a better job of reaching people.

The more we settle for excuses and glib explanations, the more we lock ourselves into a story that says:

There’s nothing I can do.

There’s no way that could happen here.

If I was them then I’d have the same results too.

What would happen if ministry leaders stopped qualifying other people’s achievements and quit making excuses? (We make far too many excuses in ministry…here are five of the most frequent.)

While there’s an element of divine providence in every story, growing churches don’t simply ‘get lucky.’

In fact, here are five things that are true about most growing churches.

1. They Are Led by Passionate Leaders

Find a growing church, and you’ll almost always find a passionate team.

I simply love being around leaders who are passionate about Christ and passionate about the work he’s called them to do.

It shows in how they lead, teach, worship and mobilize their teams. The passion is contagious.

If you’re wondering why your church isn’t excited about its mission, check your pulse. Your church will only every be as passionate about your ministry as its leaders are.

Conversely, study leaders who make excuses and qualify the success of others and you’ll find they’re more passionate about criticizing other people than they are about their own mission and ministry.

Leaders who criticize more than they contribute never make a lasting impact.

And even if they’re not passionate about criticizing others, they’re likely passionate about something else in the life of leadership other than the mission before them.

2. They’ve Figured Out the Structural Issues That Hold People Back

Sadly, some of the greatest barriers that hold congregations back from reaching more people are not spiritual, they’re structural.

Many pastors of smaller churches or even mid-sized churches want to reach more people. They pray. They sincerely love God. And they know the scriptures and love people well.

You would think infinite growth would be automatic.

This is where structure matters a lot.

Think about the difference between a couple that has one child versus a couple that has, say, seven children under the age of 10.

If you have that many kids, your structure has to change. Everything from the number of beds and bedrooms you have, to the way you do meals, to how you do laundry, to the vehicle(s) you drive have to adapt.

Larger growing churches inevitably change their structure to accommodate the people they’re reaching,

If you want to drill down further on growth barriers, here’s some background on the #1 barrier to breaking the 200 attendance barrier, and eight reasons most churches never grow past that size.

Churches that structure bigger, grow bigger.

3. They Are Relentlessly Focused on Reaching People Outside Their Walls

This is probably the point that gets leaders into the most trouble.

Why?

Because as soon as you start obsessing about the people outside your walls that need the Gospel, the people inside your walls start to say “what about me?”

To make that a little more difficult, it also means your colleagues in ministry will start to criticize you as being a mile wide and an inch deep.

Which is exactly why many leaders get scared away from truly focusing on people outside their walls.

Leaders of growing churches realize that criticism comes with the territory.

So how do you deal with the internal criticism? Easy…just get everyone on the same mission. Get everyone to focus on people outside your walls.

Ironically, getting the focus off yourself is a key to spiritual maturity. Sharing what Christ has given you grows you in a way few other things can.

I have written more on how to tell if your outsider-focused church is actually producing disciples in this post.

4. They’re Willing to Do What It Takes

Growing churches have a unique culture. Hang out with them long enough and you’ll realize most of them are willing to do whatever it takes (short of sin, as Craig Groeschel always says) to help reach people.

Their leaders have a habit of not just dreaming, but doing.

Others see obstacles. They see opportunities.

They have a tremendously high pain tolerance and consider nothing to be as important as the mission.

If you’re willing to do whatever it takes, it’s amazing what you can accomplish.

This pushes you past every excuse, past the drag of gravity and inertia and directly into the future.

Leaders who lead this way realize there’s no guarantee of success, but are willing to go broke trying.

By the way, leaders who look for a guarantee of success never tend to find success.

5. They Refuse to Let the Present Become a Barrier to the Future

Realizing your mission and reaching more people creates its own challenges, not the least of which is your realization that what you’re doing is working.

Which ironically can make you biased against further changes.

As we often say around here, success makes you conservative, which is why the greatest enemy of your future success is your current success.

Afraid of breaking things when everything’s going well, many leaders become risk averse.

Churches that continue to reach people push past this.

They realize that no system or approach or idea is sacred other than the mission.

In churches that continue to reach people year after year, mission always takes precedence over method.

When the only thing that’s sacred is the mission, you tend to realize your mission.

Want More?

If you want to help your church drill down on the opportunity around you, here are some resources you may find helpful:

Lasting Impact (Team Edition) – A video companion to my best-selling book that outlines seven practical strategies to help your church grow. Designed for elder board and staff team discussion of today’s biggest issues facing the church.

Unreasonable Churches by Rich Birch — A deep dive into the strategy of 13 churches that are reaching their community and what makes them different.

Episode 134: How to Break the 200, 600 and 1,000 Barrier in Churches – My interview with Carl George and Warren Bird

What Do You See?

These are five things I see growing churches practice.

What would you add to the list?

Or, if you want to go deeper, why do you think criticizing the effectiveness of others is such a big pursuit these days?

This article originally appeared here.

9 Hopeful Signs for American Churches

Thom Rainer

May 9, 2017

I remain an obnoxious optimist about the future of American congregations.

No, I don’t have my head in the sand. I know many congregations are struggling. And I fully expect we will continue to have a net loss of churches for the next several years.

But I do see the very real possibility that this negative trend will bottom out and begin to move upward. Why am I hopeful? Allow me to offer nine reasons for my optimism.

A new wave of corporate prayer. More church leaders are emphasizing prayer. The perfunctory prayer meeting is being replaced with new forms of passionate and concerted prayer.
A rekindling of evangelism. It seems like many churches just forgot evangelism for a season. As silly as it sounds, we Christians stopped telling people about Jesus. There is a new wave of real enthusiasm for sharing the gospel.
A balance between theological and practical. Practical ministry without a solid theological foundation is like a body without a skeleton. Theology without application is like a skeleton without a body. More church leaders are realizing that theology and application are not either/or choices. They are both/and mandates.
The waning of worship wars. I am hopeful that a new emphasis on congregational singing is taking the focus away from battles over ill-defined worship styles. We have wasted far too much time and resources insisting on our preferences rather than engaging in true worship.
A heightened emphasis on church revitalization. Church planting is still paramount. But we cannot neglect over 300,000 churches in America needing to be revitalized. It is heartening to see this emphasis take hold.
A surge of re-birthed churches. The trend in the past for many congregations was decline and die. Today many of these dying churches are making selfless decisions to give their properties to healthy churches. These re-birthed churches will continue to grow in number.
A renewal of meaningful membership. My book I Am a Church Member has sold nearly 1.5 million copies. Yes, I know that is a self-promotional comment. But it is also a reality that more and more churches are taking the issue of church membership seriously.
A concerted focus on impacting the community. It is heartening to see churches actually make a difference in the communities where they are located. For a season, I wondered if the “Jerusalems” of Acts 1:8 would be forgotten in America.
Balanced views of numbers. In recent history, two camps evolved over the view of numerical reporting in congregations. One camp saw numbers as an end and gave undue focus there. The other camp eschewed any emphasis on numerical counts. Today more congregations use numbers as a means toward greater accountability, but not as an end to be accomplished.

I could cite several more hopeful signs for American congregations beyond these nine. We may soon hit a bottom in the number of churches and weekly attendance. From there we may see an incredible renewal of congregations across our nation.

In a very etymological sense, revival may be just around the corner.

This article originally appeared here.

The Danger and Necessity of Contextualization

Ed Stetzer

May 9, 2017

One of the first issues has to be what is contextualized and what is not. Evangelical Christians do not believe everything is culturally determined and formed, though we (humans) do perceive our world through a cultural lens.

There are some things that we consider eternal and unchanging, such as the nature of God and biblical revelation. Thus, the “gospel” is generally not something that most evangelicals want to contextualize (though they may say “contextualize the gospel,” they tend to mean its communication rather than its content).

Evangelicals tend to believe that we don’t change the gospel because we don’t own the gospel. We don’t change or alter the gospel because the gospel is history. The gospel is the life death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that rescues sinful humanity from eternal ruin.

Thus, evangelical believers don’t need to say that they want to “make the Bible relevant” or “make God relevant.” They already are (though I will address issues of Bible tranlastion in this series). Yet, contextualization matters because we are not eternal, timeless and a-cultural. Some of the ways we worship, how we present eternal truths, and how we live in and relate to society all must be considered. We live in a culture. How we see things, understand them and present them to others must take culture into account.

And, we encounter Christianity in cultures. Walls explains:

No one ever meets universal Christianity in itself: We only ever meet Christianity in a local form and that means a historically, culturally conditioned form. We need not fear this; when God became man he became historically, cultural conditioned man in a particular time and place. What he became, we need not fear to be. There is nothing wrong in having local forms of Christianity—provided that we remember that they are local. (A. Walls, The Missionary Movement in Christian History: Studies in the Transmission of the Faith (Maryknoll: Orbis, 1996), 235).

It is odd for me to hear people say we should not worry about culture. It seems like a fish saying we should not worry about water. You LIVE in that water. Thus, you have to redefine the term culture to say it must be avoided and not engaged (see the last entry to how evangelicals define culture).

The scriptures clearly teach us that there are things that are true and transcend particular cultures and times. Yet, the scripture also models for us the need to address cultural realities. In MissionShift: Mission Issues for the Third Millennium, I explain:

I suggest that we return to first-century thinking. What we find in the New Testament is that to be biblical requires contextualization. Dean Fleming developed this point in Contextualization in the New Testament. He argues, “Scripture itself can offer us a more adequate approach to the challenge of reappropriating the gospel,” because “each book of the New Testament represents an attempt by the author to present the Christian message in a way that is targeted for a particular audience within a sociocultural environment.”

Thus, we must acknowledge there are eternal and transcultural truths but also changing cultural realities to be considered. Sometimes these two tasks feel as if they are in opposition to one another, but it is wrestling through that very tension that will help to keep us sharp and effective in whatever mission field God has sent us.

There are different approaches. In MissionShift, Paul Hiebert (in his last word on contextualization before his death), spoke of levels of contextualization:

No Contextualization:

…we see the gospel as acultural and ahistorical. It is unchanging and universal, can be codified in abstract rational terms, and communicated in all languages without loss of meaning. Neither the sociocultural contexts of the listeners nor the messengers need be taken into account.

Minimal Contextualization:

The more we live with and study the people we serve, the more we become aware of the depth and power of the people’s culture, and the need to contextualize both the messenger and the message for them to understand and live the gospel; but we are afraid that this can distort the gospel, so it must be done minimally. We realize that we must speak and translate the Bible into their language and that we must organize their services and churches in ways the people understand, but we equate Christianity with our beliefs and practices.

He also speaks of Uncritical Contextualization, which I will address later. (It seems that many critics of contextualization are actually referring to this approach.)

As an alternative, Hiebert points us toward Critical Contextualization, where:

The Bible is seen as divine revelation, not simply as humanly constructed beliefs. In contextualization the heart of the gospel must be kept as it is encoded in forms that are understood by the people, without making the gospel captive to the contexts. This is an ongoing process of embodying the gospel in an ever-changing world. Here cultures are seen as both good and evil, not simply as neutral vehicles for understanding the world. No culture is absolute or privileged. We are all relativized by the gospel.

Contextualization matters to those concerned about clear gospel proclamation. Yes, contextualization is a dangerous thing. It is also a necessary thing. Without contextual considerations, we do not transmit the gospel, but we transmit more of our cultural adaptation of that gospel.

As Dean Gilliland explained,

Contextualization [is] a delicate enterprise if ever there was one…the evangelist and mission strategist stand on a razor’s edge, aware that to fall off on either side has terrible consequences… Fall to the right and you end in obscurantism, so attached to your conventional ways of practicing and teaching the faith that you veil its truth and power from those who are trying to see it through very different eyes. Slip to the left and you tumble into syncretism, so vulnerable to the impact of paganism in its multiplicity of forms that you compromise the uniqueness of Christ and concoct “another gospel which is not a gospel” (Dean S. Gilliand, “Contextual Theology as Incarnational Mission,” in The Word Among Us, ed. Dean S. Gilliland (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1989), 10-11.).

Thus, contextualization is a tool. Clear gospel proclamation is the goal. We must not confuse the two.

I often explain this using two terms: contending and contextualizing. (The terms came from a lunch discussion with my friend Jim Millirons a few years ago.) The call to “contend and contextualize” seems to have “caught on” in some circles as a helpful way to consider the issue.

The need to contend is clearly commanded in Jude 3. It says that we are to “contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the saints.” In other words, central to our mission and our ministry is to faithfully proclaim and defend the Gospel given to us and to people in culture. But, it seems we are also commanded to contextualize in 1 Corinthians 9:22-23 where Paul says, “I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.”

On the one hand we must contend, and on the other hand we need to contextualize. In fact, contending for the faith demands contextualization because in articulating and advancing the truth we are responding to culturally created idols and false doctrine.

This article originally appeared here.

How to Argue Well

Todd Wright

May 9, 2017

Worship leaders don’t know how to argue.

I don’t know why, but there’s something in us that makes tough conversations difficult. We’re prone to get angry and stressed, which can often lead to drawing hard relational lines among the people who are “on our side” and those who aren’t.

I believe in truth. I also believe that conversations with people we trust is one of the many ways God uses to teach us. But I’m going to be honest here. When I’m in a tough conversation with a fellow pastor, worship leader or Christ-follower, getting-to-the-truth or “winning” is secondary. When I’m in a hard talk, my primary goal is to grow closer to that other believer. I’m much more concerned with getting to know and love that person more. I love it when a conversation leads to truth, but sometimes they don’t. However, I do believe every conversation can make us better partners in ministry and friends.

But it’s difficult. I want to get better at it, and I bet you do, too. I’ve found that one way to make these conversations easier is to adopt some practical dialogue tips. These aren’t philosophical arguments. They’re not logic techniques. They’re just simple things you can say that aren’t combative and will keep the conversation going. They may seem simple, but I’m surprised at how often I forget to use these in a tough spot.

“INTERESTING” or “HMMM”

Sooner or later, you’re going to be in a discussion when the other person is saying something with which you absolutely do not agree. Left to your own devices, you might be prone to immediately begin planning your rebuttal or even interrupt with some sort of “I don’t believe that” or “that’s not what the Bible says.”

Using “interesting” or “hmmm” will drastically lower the tension level in your body and will foster conversation. There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing (see below) but you want to find a way to keep the tension at a minimum. Interrupting and using combative phrases will also put your friend on his or her heels. Conversations just work better when folks aren’t running defense.

HEADS UP

There’s no way to know what the other person is thinking and feeling in conversation. But it’s safe to assume that catching them off guard might not benefit the dialogue. When you’re ready to respond (or even disagree) it’s helpful to give the person a heads up that you’ve got a rebuttal of some kind.

One of the best ways to do this is to just say it. Taking an extra three seconds to say, “I hear what you’re saying, but I’m gonna’ push back for a second,” or “OK, but let me tell you where I’m coming from.” That may not seem like much, but it’s so much better than a blatant “here’s-why-you’re-wrong.”

THANK GOD

Even if a conversation doesn’t end in agreement, an attitude of gratefulness makes a huge impact. Reminding your friend—and yourself—of God’s goodness can be a powerful way to keep your dialogue enjoyable and godly. I’m serious! Why not just tell the person, “Gosh, I’m so glad God’s got you in my life. Talks like this are good for me.”

This is also helpful if you’re not handling things well. If you’re mad or confused or worried by the conversation, why not stop and pray? I can’t think of a better way to get a talk back on point!

This article originally appeared here.

10 Ways I Deal With Criticism

Doug Fields

May 9, 2017

I’ve had to deal with criticism…a lot! Working in the church for 29 years has brought me face to face with all types of criticism. In my early years of ministry, people actually had to be intentional with their criticism because it usually required writing and mailing letters. Today, email allows critical people instant access to attack your heart.

Many critical comments originate in a critical heart rather than a constructive, caring heart.

Here’s how I typically respond to the shots that are directed at me. I tried to put these in a sequential order, but it’s not always this nice and tidy. Here you go:

My post on April 1 created a lot of interaction (I WISH THIS WAS AN APRIL FOOLS’ COMPLAINT), and I thought I’d write about how I deal with criticism. First, here are a few broad principles that I’ve come to embrace about criticism: 1. Criticism is synonymous with leadership, and 2. Criticism has terrible timing.

1. I feel it

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, “You’ve got to have the skin of a rhino and the heart of a lamb to be in ministry.” When I was younger I thought, “Well, I definitely don’t have rhino (thick) skin…maybe I’ll grow thick skin over the years. Thirty years later, I still don’t have thick skin—criticism stings! I hate it. I’m sure that people who are more spiritually mature than me can easily shake it off…I can’t. I feel it…I feel it all the time. There you go…I’m a sensitive baby.

2. I reduce it

One of the ways I reduce criticism is by thinking about something I call the “10 percent factor.” It goes like this: “At any given time, 10 percent of my audience is not going to like me.” It doesn’t matter what I do, there are going to be people who don’t know my heart, my motives, my story, etc… They are going to be negative no matter what. So on a given weekend when I was regularly preaching to 20,000 at Saddleback Church—that’s 2,000 people who aren’t going to like me or what I have to say (that’s a megachurch of haters). Another way to state this might be: I expect criticism. I know it’s coming.

3. I ignore it

If criticism is anonymous, I delete and/or throw it away immediately—100 percent of the time. If people don’t have the guts to put their name to it, they don’t deserve to have a voice into my life. Now if the criticism comes in from someone who signs their name (and I don’t know them), I’ll usually read it. And depending on the tone I perceive, I may/may not respond. It’s usually a neutered response like “thanks for the input.”

4. I delay my response

As much as I want to write back immediately with guns a-blazing, it doesn’t usually result in anything productive. I’ll wait at least 24 hours—and often longer. If it’s from someone I work with, I might quickly respond with something like, “I wanted you to know I got your email/voicemail/letter/etc., but I don’t feel like it would be appropriate for me to respond right now. I’ll follow up at a better time.” If I don’t delay my response, it includes too much of my flesh, pride and anger (and that’s not a pretty thing).

5. I write a gut-response draft

If a criticism wounds me (like from a co-worker or a boss or someone who really surprises me with stinging words), I’ll often write a draft response just to help me process my hurt and my anger. Some of these are gems! If I ever sent this response, it would embarrass me, my family and friends if it were ever made public. Obviously, I never send the draft, but the writing is often cathartic.

6. I pray about it

While this seems like a no-brainer, I hate to admit that it’s not always my first response. I eventually get here, but not immediately. I’ll beg God for wisdom and discernment for the situation. I’ll ask God to confirm within if the critical words are God-sent. I want to make sure I’m not acting like King David and living in denial and that the criticism is coming from a God-sent Nathan and is worthy of my focus.

7. I learn from it

I’d be a fool to not pause, reflect and consider if there is truth within the criticism that might help me be a better leader, friend, husband, Christ-follower, etc… I will definitely inhale the criticism…but I don’t always swallow the criticism. I know I’ve got a lot to learn, and I want to be open to God’s Spirit speaking to me through others. There are many times I’ve thought, “I hate the tone that the uncaring person used, but the point is solid, and I was definitely wrong.”

8. I bring it into community

Many times, I’ll invite one of the guys from my inner circle or even my entire small group into the criticism and say, “I was criticized this way…do you see this to be true in me?” Many times, my buddies will say, “That person doesn’t know anything about you—they are way off base.” But there have been times when they’ve said, “I can see some truth in that comment. In certain situations, I’ve seen you act that way.” I’ve also allowed some of my friends to respond to the critical party on my behalf (i.e., “Doug shared your criticism with our small group, and I asked him if I could respond to you…”).

9. I respond to it

Usually by the time I respond to the criticism, the sting is gone (and so is my pride). I often go the neutral/polite approach and respond in a way that won’t trigger a fury of more emails. An example might be: “Thank you for taking the time to give me feedback.” Short. Simple. Non-engaging. The problem with email is that it’s so difficult to communicate tone…so I personally try to avoid email banter at all costs.

10. I delete it

Bottom line here is that I don’t like to keep it in my inbox or on my desk because I don’t want to see it again. When I keep it around, in some ways, I nurse criticism. I think about it more than I should. After I’ve dealt with it, I delete it. I don’t need to keep it around because I know there’s another one coming soon.

I’m definitely not the expert on criticism! I’ve had my fair share over the years, and I’ve tried to come up with some actions to help me navigate it so that it doesn’t capsize my heart. These are just my thoughts…I hope they’re helpful to you.

This article originally appeared here.

Is It OK to Have Just an “Ordinary” Church?

Erik Raymond

May 9, 2017

Your church has a primary role in your personal pursuit of contentment. Does this surprise you? Think about where the battle lines are drawn in your pursuit. Contentment is about whether or not you will rest and rejoice in the sufficiency of the Trinity or will fall for the deceptive marketing of this fallen world. Will you fasten your heart supremely upon created things (people, stuff, etc.), or will you be content in God? God uses the church to help make the latter a reality.

Let’s think together about church and, in particular, the congregation where you’re a member. If it’s like most churches today, it’s not very large (probably fewer than two hundred people). You may be tempted to think that your church, with its modest size, is rather insignificant. When I talk to people about their churches, I almost sense a little embarrassment about the size and perceived scope of their church. Apologetic words like small and ordinary come up. These words aren’t derogatory at all; perhaps they’re even accurate. But the sentiment behind them is concerning, especially in light of how the church serves to help you learn contentment.

CONTENTMENT AND THE LOCAL CHURCH

When you read that word ordinary, what do you think of? Common synonyms include unimpressive, typical, normal and average: as in “My day was typical.” “The movie was unimpressive.” “The book was average.” When you think about the church in general and your congregation in particular, you might be a bit embarrassed by its ordinariness, especially if it doesn’t have thousands of members, a massive building or the reputation for being the “cool church.” What if it’s “just” a church? What if it’s “just” an ordinary ministry? Is this OK?

Here’s the bottom-line: The church is the most important organization on the planet. Its importance and inherent value are dependent not upon size but upon substance. The church equips its members to answer the highest calling on the planet—to glorify God by helping people know and follow Jesus (Matt. 28:19–21). There’s nothing more noble or important than this. This does not impugn the importance of other organizations that likewise do very good things, but it does relativize them. Nothing takes the place of prominence like the church. The church is the bride of Christ.

Furthermore, the church has the greatest collective impact. While many organizations may boast of real help for people in this world (and praise God for them), only the church can truly say that it brings help in this world and the next. The church is involved in rescuing sinners from an eternity in hell. Think about this: We rejoice when a group is able to help people get over addictions and enjoy a meaningful life. But, as good as this is, freedom from addiction, by itself, has an impact for only a few decades. How much more does the church shine in her mission to seek and save the lost from eternal suffering? The church also has a tremendous impact on this present life. As Christians gather and work together to hear and apply God’s Word, they encourage each other to be content in God. They grow together in Christ and thus grow in contentment.

HOW GOD DOES IT

We’ve all encountered advertisements for a fast path to better health or a more fit body. The secrets, previously unknown to mankind for thousands of years, have now been discovered. All we have to do is click the ad and try the new program to have all our health and fitness dreams come true. Over the years I have been committed to exercise and healthy living. I’ve read and talked to a lot of experts, and what I’ve found is surprisingly simple: You need to work at it. Regular exercise and a healthy diet are what the experts tell us we need. It’s what they’ve always told us. I remember my grandfather saying, “There is no substitute for hard work and discipline.” It’s still true. And the same is true in the church.

In Ephesians 4, we read of God’s blueprint for his church. The goal, simply stated, is maturity: “mature manhood, to the measure of the fullness of Christ” (4:13). The means by which this happens is the proper functioning of the body of Christ (4:16). But how does the body function properly? It does so as its members speak the truth to one another, having been properly equipped by those gifted in teaching the Word of God (4:11–15). In short, God wants his people to become mature in the Word, in the context of the local church, by means of the sound teaching and application of his Word.

At this point you might be thinking, OK, I agree with you about the importance of a faithful local church. But what does this have to do with my contentment? This is an important question. Think back to the garden of Eden. Adam was given a plot of land and told to be a steward over it (Gen. 2:15). Genesis indicates that the garden was to spread. Adam and Eve were to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (Gen. 1:28). If they had persisted in obedience and spread out to corners of the earth, the earth would have been filled with the glory of the Lord. This was God’s design in creation. Adam, God’s priest-king, was to promote and defend the holiness of God by spreading his glory to the ends of the earth. So, did he do this? No. In Genesis 3 we read that Adam and Eve sinned. They failed to treasure God and trust his word. Disobeying, they died.

Jesus is often referred to as the second or last Adam (1 Cor. 15:45–48). He came to undo and restore all that the first Adam broke. Paul was picking up on this continuity with the first Adam when he showed what Jesus would do through the church. Look at what Paul says in Ephesians 4:10: “He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.” Commentator Peter O’Brien observes:

Christ fills the universe, not in some semi-physical sense, but by his mighty rule over all things (see on Eph. 1:22–23), a notion that is paralleled in the Old Testament where filling the universe, in this sense of exercising sovereign rule, is predicated of God: “‘Do I not fill heaven and earth?’ says the Lord” (Jer. 23:24). Here the idea is transferred to Christ: he fills the universe through the exercise of his lordship over everything. This entails his functioning as the powerful ruler over the principalities (Eph. 1:21), and giving grace and strength to his people (4:13, 15–16), through whom he fulfills his purposes.[1]

In other words, Jesus is the King over the entire universe. As the last Adam he has stretched out his sovereign rule so that nothing is outside his jurisdiction. He has won. The church is in the business of taking the ground that the King has already won. He has conquered, and his churches, as his ambassadors, come speaking of his victory, bidding others to submit to his rule. The kingdom of Christ is advancing to the edge of the earth through the gospel. And once people come to Christ, they come and join others in the church, where they grow together under the good and sovereign rule of Jesus the King.

What does contentment have to do with your local church? Everything. True contentment comes through a true knowledge of Christ, and the church is the primary means by which the gospel goes out and the primary context in which the gospel is applied. As the Scriptures are taught and applied, we grow together in Christlikeness. This is another way of saying we grow in contentment. Jesus was the most content man who ever lived. He treasured God and trusted his promises. So those who share in Christ come to be conformed to his likeness. We come to be strengthened by him as we increasingly reflect him (Phil. 4:13).

Editor’s note: This article is an adpated excerpt from Erik Raymond’s Chasing Contentment: Trusting God in a Discontented Age by Erik Raymond, 2017. Used by permission of Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Il 60187, www.crossway.org.

* * * * *

[1] Peter Thomas O’Brien, The Letter to the Ephesians, The Pillar New Testament Commentary (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1999), 296–97.

This article originally appeared here.

7 Ways Leaders Need to Be More “Unproductive”

Ron Edmondson

May 9, 2017

Much of what a leader does can seem unproductive at times—and that is a good thing.

For someone wired for production and progress—a checklist type person—unproductive time may even seem like wasted time.

I’ll admit, even though this is in my leadership knowledge, I have to discipline myself to practice it sometimes.

Yet, every good leader I know specializes in intangible actions which don’t always produce visible, immediate results. In fact, some of these actions are often the most productive part of their work.

In order for teams to thrive, there are things which, while they may seem unproductive to some, the leader must spend time doing.

Let me share some examples from my own leadership.

Here are seven intangible things I try to do each day:

Praying.

Did I need to share that one? And, yet I do. For my reminder and most leaders I know. Yes, even pastors need this reminder. We can get so busy making decisions, putting out fires and handling routines, we fail to do the more important work—pray. What could be happening in our leadership if we spent more time praying for the work before we do the work? (That’s a sobering question.)

Disciplined thinking.

Leader, how much time do you spend just thinking? I’m not talking about daydreaming on mindless things. I’m talking about disciplined thinking about where you and your team are, where you are going, what’s working, and what’s not working. I need those times every single day. Often new ideas hit me in the shower or driving in my car, but many times new ideas are only shaped and realized when I set aside quantity time to brainstorm. Every leader at every level needs this time, but the higher a position is in the organization, the more disciplined the leader must be to think.

Reading.

I don’t know why—even as I teach these principles—it has always made me feel uncomfortable when someone who works with me finds me reading a magazine or a book. I feel so unproductive. But I know the more responsibility a leader assumes, the more important it is he or she be exposed to new ideas and thoughts. Leaders are readers. I don’t always get something I can immediately put into practice, but my mind is stretched and my thoughts are energized. Valuable. Gold in many cases. (I read the Bible every day, but as a practice, I try to read one chapter a day from some book other than the Bible.)

Investing.

Helping others succeed is what leaders do best. Sometimes leadership is as simple as believing in others more than they believe in themselves. I have to remember also, I’m into Kingdom-building, not only church building, so investing in other pastors—even those not on our team—is a part of what I have been called to do. And, it should be noted, investing is not just talking. Leaders, in my opinion, do too much of that at times. It’s also listening to others and learning from them. Whenever I meet to “invest” in some other leader I always grow personally as well.

Networking.

Some of the greatest doors of opportunity as a church have opened because of my personal networking. Honestly, this is one thing which has made Twitter valuable in leadership. It gives me quick connections with my peers. But, this is why community involvement is important to me. I build a vital network I can glean and learn from. A leader’s overall success is often directly related to the strength and size of their network.

Walking.

Several times daily, if I’m in the office, I walk through our building. I see people. They have a chance to ask me questions, interact with me and even share a concern. It’s amazing how this action—which many times may not produce anything tangible immediately—seems to endear people to my leadership. Leaders need to be present. Visible. Even accessible to the point they can be. As an added value, the physical movement refuels my body and mind for continued productivity throughout the day.

Planning.

I saved this one for last and I almost said meeting, but meetings are very tangible actions. But, let’s be honest, meetings can also seem unproductive. I read the books and blogs about eliminating meetings—and I’m all about it when possible—but the fact is most teams have to meet occasionally and regularly to stay on pace together. The problem in my opinion isn’t the meeting as much as the meetings where nothing is accomplished. Planning may seem unproductive—even wasted—for those who are most wired for production. Many would rather do than plan to do. But, preparation, while it may seem unnecessary in the process, makes success more attainable. Some of the best leaders I know personally are military leaders. Ask them how much preparation and planning they want their teams to have before encountering the enemy. As an example of this one, rather than getting started answering emails or heading into meetings, I try to spend a few minutes every day, before the day begins, planning how I will approach the day. (This is where I build my checklist.) I leave feeling far more productive when I’ve attempted to plan my day. Interruptions will naturally come, but I’m more prepared for them when I start with a plan.

Depending on your wiring, some of these may seem unproductive. That’s especially true for me when I do take the walk or put down the book and dozens of unanswered emails are staring me in the face, but successful leadership demands we spend time investing in the intangible things which make our teams better.

In which of these areas do you most need to improve as a leader?

This article originally appeared here.

Why Extroverts Are Better Christians (or Not!)

Michal Crum

May 8, 2017

Every few months or so, a spate of personality tests gets posted to my Facebook feed. Last week, I bit. I clicked a link and took a free Meyers Briggs-style personality test. It told me I’m an insensitive bossy-pants. Oh wait, they never say that. This one tells me that I am “Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate.” Hang on, I’m going to go read it again.

Know Thyself

Personality tests can be useful. Evaluating our strengths and weaknesses helps us in many ways, from choosing a career to resolving conflict with loved ones. When I took a personality test for the first time, it showed me that I like to dabble in many different areas. But I also realized that I needed to resist that urge and narrow my focus.

However, when we discuss “personality,” we usually mean traits that are morally neutral. But the actions they compel are never neutral. Being an extrovert will make it easier for me to reach out to a stranger. It also may make me more inclined to neglect my duties in the home or overlook someone who is silently suffering. So what should a Christian’s attitude toward personality profiles be?

Here are six mistakes we make when we take these tests too seriously:

1. Yep, I’m Charming: Reading a description of a personality type is like reading your horoscope. Everything is so upbeat and positive. It’s good to read the list of positive traits in your profile and invert them. Ask yourself, “What sins am I particularly prone to because of my personality?”

2. It’s Not My Fault: It’s easy to use our personality type as an excuse. I am really not a patient person. I get bent out of shape about the stupidest things. It irritates me when my kids lean on me, when they kick the back of my seat in the car, when they talk too much, when they sing out of key…

But as a Christian, I can’t just say, “Well, it’s my personality. Nothing I can do about it. That’s how God made me.”

3. But It’s Harder for Me: On a related note, we think that our personality type makes our job particularly difficult for us. As a mom, I often think: “I wasn’t cut out for this.” Then I tell myself to shut up. I can’t use some dumb test to explain why I can’t be expected to read the Bible, structure my time, teach my children basic skills, etc.

“It’s just the way I’m wired.” But here’s what God says in His Word: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord and not for human masters.”

4. I Know Me: Another problem with personality tests is they are only as accurate as the answers we give. And the Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things…” Sometimes we blow a certain flaw out of proportion; other times we think we have strengths that we don’t have. The Bible serves as a better mirror, the Holy Spirit as a judge of character, the local church as a true personality test.

5. That’s Not My Job: It’s easy to pigeonhole ourselves by saying we’re playing to our strengths. “I’m a feeler, so I’m going to feel my way to the truth and connect with people in a super-duper-deep-spiritual way.” Rather than resolving to live in obedience and grow as a Christian, we shy away from stuff we’re not good at. My brother took a career aptitude assessment, and it told him he would make a terrible church-planter. And what does God have him doing? You guessed it: planting churches.

Then there’s Moses. He wasn’t a good speaker. He tried to point out to God that “leader of the Jews” didn’t fit very well with his Spiritual Gifts Profile. And yet, God called him to represent Himself in the court of Pharaoh.

God is no respecter of persons. He doesn’t take our personality type very seriously. He often calls us to do something that we aren’t naturally inclined to do. You know what’s better than a great personality? Good character.

“…And endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Rom. 3:4-5)

6. But People Can’t Change: Maybe not, but the Holy Spirit can and does change people. Sanctification doesn’t just affect our behavior, it transforms us from the inside out. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.” Most of us aren’t transformed overnight, but over a lifetime of slow obedience in the right direction, we become more of who He created us to be and less of what we started out as.

I’ll never forget a conversation with my dad when I was in high school. He explained that when God conforms us to the image of His Son, we become more of ourselves instead of less. “Look at Rita Cuffey,” he said, speaking of an elderly woman in our church. “She’s the godliest person I know, but she is sincerely weird.”

He was right. Somehow, I thought that as we grow in godliness we lose our individuality and become some sort of generic cookie-cutter Christian. I thought sanctification was a threat to the genuine article of me.

I forgot to notice that the godly men and women around me are very different. God loves variety. We don’t have to look any further than Creation or the four Gospel accounts to see that. The more we embrace God’s standard the more we flourish as individuals, just like the varieties of foods God created for our pleasure. But God purifies us like a refiner’s fire, and “when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

This article originally appeared here.

You’ve Been Fired From the Pastorate—What Now?

Ron Edmondson

May 8, 2017

I’m at that point in my ministry where I feel like I’d rather cut grass for a living than serve Christ as a preacher of His gospel. That’s just not healthy. But that’s where I am.

Wow! I’ll never forget receiving this text from a young pastor. A few deacons had asked him to “consider” resigning or they would bring a vote before the church.

In my opinion they didn’t have the guts to actually fire him. They know they probably didn’t have enough votes at the church level. But, he loves the church, and didn’t want to cause division, so he did what he felt was the right thing and stepped away gracefully.

Of course, there are always issues on both sides, but church can be brutal on a pastor at times.

What do you do when the church fires you? Or, when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under you?

Here are seven suggestions:

Assess how you got here.

What happened? You probably already know to a certain extent, but it’s good to evaluate. Where did you push too hard? Who did you cross you shouldn’t have? What was the actual line you crossed? You may not change anything if you had it to do over, but this will help you as you move into another position at some point.

Own your mistakes.

If you can’t admit you made some, you may have bigger problems. There are always things you could’ve done better. Own your junk. Admit your failures. These are the best teaching tools you will ever have for future development.

Contact some friends.

You’ll be tempted to keep to yourself. It may be embarrassing, but you need people around you. It’s easier to hide. You need people who will look deep into your heart and speak into your soul. Obviously, you should have these people developed before you get into the situation, but either way, you have to have an outlet for your current emotions.

Protect your family.

There will be rumors and half-truths and speculation and gossip. It’s what people do. As much as possible, protect your spouse and children from it. Important caveat—don’t shelter your spouse from you.

Rest and receive grace.

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). One of the worst things you could do is to step back into something immediately without giving your heart a chance to heal.

Network while you figure out what’s next.

And, next may be taking a season to heal. Or simply finding a healthy church to be a part of for a while. (I have loved being a part of churches where dozens of pastors and I have “hung out” while they prepared for the next season of ministry.) There are healthy churches, which will help you during this season. This is the time to contact your network of other pastors. Don’t be bashful, and don’t be too proud. Be honest with where you are and ask for help finding your next position. You may need to take a secular job for a while. Whatever you do, make sure you take adequate time to think through next steps.

Begin again—in God’s timing.

This is the great advantage of grace. There is an opportunity to begin again. Read the story of the prodigal son. Remind yourself of David’s failures. Read the reconciliation of Peter with Jesus. If God has called you, He has not given up on His call. Your next season may look different, but He still has great work for you to do.

The ministry can be brutal. So can people in the church. If you are a casualty in ministry, please know there are people who care, and your best days may be ahead of you yet.

This article originally appeared here.

3 Big Keys to Discipling Today’s Kids

Dale Hudson

May 8, 2017

There are many different thoughts, insights and strategies for discipling kids. You can see this reflected in the vast array of curricula and ministry models offered.

We all have the same goal in mind: to see kids grow up to be passionate followers of Jesus. As you plan, strategize and map out how to do this, there are three big keys to keep in mind if you want to be effective.

Key #1 – Remember kids are naturally focused on growing. Kids want to grow. They want to be taller, older, smarter, better, etc. They measure their height. They compare themselves to other kids, and you can be sure they know who the “tallest kid in the class” is. They can’t wait to grow to be tall enough to go on the big rides at the amusement park. They have their attention focused on growing up to be like the “big kids.” For preschoolers, they want to grow and be in lower elementary. For lower elementary kids, they want to grow and be in upper elementary. For upper elementary kids, they want to grow and be in middle school. For middle school kids, they want to be in high school.

Why is growing so important to kids? Because a big part of kids’ lives is spent figuring out who they are individually. Growing helps kids discover what they like and who they are becoming as a person.

Since growing is such a big deal to kids, showing kids how they can grow spiritually is a big key to discipling them.

Use “grow” terminology when you talk with kids about spiritual development.

Provide kids with tools they can use to grow, and show them how it will benefit their spiritual growth.

Help kids measure and track their spiritual growth steps.

Celebrate with kids when they hit spiritual growth milestones. This is why kids love their birthday parties so much. It is a celebration of their growth and development. Take this type of celebration into their spiritual growth and development.

Key #2 – Help kids strengthen their relationships. Younger kids are all about connecting with their family. As kids grow, this shifts more to connecting with their friends. Kids don’t call it “relationships.” They call it ‘being friends” with someone or “my best friend.” Though the terminology may be different for kids, the bottom line is this: relationships are a big deal for kids.

This being said, we must realize that discipleship doesn’t just happen through acquiring knowledge or memorizing scripture. It happens just as much through relationship. In fact, I believe it takes the combination of both to see kids effectively discipled.

Are we giving kids the opportunity to grow through relationships? Does our programming format reflect this? Does our room layout reflect this?

Are we providing kids with consistent leaders who they can build a relationship with?

Are we leveraging the family relationships in a kid’s life to help them grow spiritually?

Key #3 – Help kids discover and use their gifts and talents. Kids are seeking to know what their gifts and talents are. Why? So they can use them to stand out and be admired by others. And through this they are also able to express themselves and build confidence.

We know a huge part of discipleship is using your gifts and talents to actively live out your faith through works and acts of service. The Bible tells us faith without works is dead. There is something about using your gifts and talents for the Kingdom that activates your faith and makes it come alive. This has been proven to be true in the stats that show kids who continue in their faith after high school are the kids who are actively involved in serving.

Are we helping kids discover the gifts and talents God has given them?

Are we giving kids the opportunity to use their gifts and talents to further the Kingdom of God?

Are we helping build kids’ spiritual confidence by showing them how God is using their life?

Are we challenging kids to leave their spiritual mark on the world?

Focus on these three keys and you will see the kids in your ministry become passionate followers of Jesus.

This article originally appeared here.

5 Simple Things Unhealthy Churches Never Measure

John Finkelde

May 8, 2017

I have conducted over 90 on-site consults with churches across four different nations in the last five years, and I am consistently surprised by what I find in unhealthy churches.

One of my surprises has been what churches measure, and more importantly, what churches don’t measure.

I’ve found five vital metrics that smart churches measure.

Smart churches use these five key metrics to improve the health of their church yet avoid being driven by them.

Once you begin to measure these elements you can also begin to manage them and thus improve the health of your church.

1. Unhealthy churches never measure baptisms as a ratio of attendance.

Baptisms are a concrete number that helps ascertain the health of a church.

How many baptisms are considered healthy?

Church consultant Tony Morgan suggests that a healthy range is 7 to 9 percent of your church’s average Sunday attendance.

For instance, if your average attendance is 200, then 14–18 people being baptized per year is an indicator of health.

If you have a healthy number of people being baptized, then it indicates that evangelism and discipleship are happening in your church.

In one consult with a small church, I discovered that no one had been baptized in the previous year. When I asked their leadership team to list the potential candidates, they tallied up over 15 people.

What was going wrong? They had lost focus on making disciples and neglected to baptize anyone.

Healthy churches measure baptisms at least three times a year because baptism is a key indicator in the discipleship journey and must be considered a primary number in assessing the health of a church.

2. Unhealthy churches never measure church average age compared to community.

Ask a pastor the average age of his congregation and they will generally give you a blank stare and mumble a guess.

It’s a simple exercise to discover the average age of your church.

If you have the information in your church database, then it’s super easy.

If not, then here’s a simple process. Every Sunday for three Sundays, just ask everyone (children and youth included) to write their age on a piece of paper. Average out the results and you’ll have a solid estimate of the average age of your church.

Now compare that with the average age of the community in the surrounding suburbs.

Is your church much older? This is a red alert wake-up call that indicates ill health as you are in danger of missing an entire generation.

Is your church markedly younger? This probably indicates you have a fruitful decade awaiting you as those children and youth move to the next stage of life. However, it may indicate you are missing out on boomers who are oftentimes rich and looking to achieve significant things in the second half of their life.

3. Unhealthy churches never measure the percentage of adults serving.

A few years ago, I was chatting to a small groups pastor in an Australian megachurch. He told me that 93 percent of new people in their church leave within 12 months if they do not begin serving or join a small group.

I’m sure this ratio is lower in smaller churches but nonetheless it indicates the central importance of connecting people into relationships as soon as possible.

How should you measure serving?

When I consult with churches, I measure the percentage of people over 18 who are serving. Now serving may range from leading a small group to greeting new people to volunteering for the annual women’s conference.

In small churches, this percentage should be over 80 percent.

In medium-size churches, pastors should aim to have this number above 65 percent.

In larger churches this ratio will drop due to several factors.

How does this affect health?

When people serve, their relationship circle grows and this not only cements them into the church but improves the health of the church because they feel a deeper connection to the life and purpose of the church.

They also grow their skill set and in turn their confidence, which again improves the general well-being of the church.

4. Unhealthy churches never measure visitor flow.

One of my more shocking discoveries since consulting with churches has been the number of churches that do not count their visitors.

When churches don’t count visitors, it indicates to me an unhealthy lack of attention on outsiders.

This appalling lack of hospitality generally starts at the church’s website, extends to the parking and culminates in the general neglect of visitors’ needs when they attend the church.

This lack of focus impedes church growth because without visitors you will never grow.

In small churches, counting visitors is easy as they are instantly noticed and should be a primary focus of the pastor.

In medium-sized churches, you need to be more intentional in counting visitors and connecting them to people in your church. This requires a guest lounge and volunteers who are focused on engaging with your visitors.

In large churches, it is well-nigh impossible to count all the visitors; however, you can count those with whom you connect, so having a process for connection is essential.

5. Unhealthy churches never measure secondary giving levels.

I think the most accurately measured numbers in churches are the numbers associated with finance.

Churches comply with local accounting regulations, have their books audited, and generally have well-established policies and procedures.

However, a rarely measured number is the percentage of secondary giving programs.

Let me explain.

If a church receives $200,000 in its general Sunday tithe giving over a 12-month period, then how much can it expect to receive in other giving programs, e.g., building or missions?

I believe churches can regularly expect to receive 30 to 50 percent of their tithe in secondary giving programs, like building or missions.

Churches may run these secondary giving programs but too rarely analyze their expectations or consider how to increase this percentage.

I’ve helped many churches increase their income by measuring their current reality and coaching them into strategic methods for increase.

These five metrics will help your church focus on essential numbers that in time will help you improve the health of your church.

This article originally appeared here.

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These 2 Groups in Your Church Are Critical but Often Hidden

Rich Birch

May 8, 2017

Even in a church of a few hundred people, it’s easy for folks to get lost. People can slip through the cracks and you will not be able to serve them well. Regardless of the church size, we need to constantly consider how people are plugging into our ministry.

There are two groups of people that can easily slip through the cracks, which are not acknowledged at most churches. However, by not paying attention to these groups you could be significantly impacting your ministry in a negative way. Let’s consider these two groups that your church might be ignoring but shouldn’t

Very First-Time Guests

Some of the hardest people for most churches to connect with are the people who are with you for the very first time. These people are timid and feel strange about being at your church and so they naturally don’t want to stick out or to be identified. Typically these guests are going out of the way to ensure that your people and systems don’t identify them.

First-time guests are important because they represent the future of your church. Understanding what they think and feel about their experience with your church is critical for pulling apart so as to fuel the future of your ministry. The insights you can mine out of first-time guests are huge because they are unfiltered by your expectations of what the ministry should be.

Three Ways to Connect With First Time Guests

• “New Here” Gifts — Ensure that you are offering a compelling gift to your guests to encourage them to self-identify. Here are the examples from 33 churches of some first-time guest gifts. The big idea is to offer something really great that your guests would actually want and not just another coffee mug!

• Speak to Them — Build in a regular part of your communication from stage to your guests, letting them know you are glad to have them here. Please don’t make them stand and identify themselves, but verbally acknowledge them so they can be assured you were anticipating them being with you.

• Train Your People — If your people bring a friend for the first time, train them to introduce that person to a few people at the church. Again, make sure they aren’t weird as they interact with people because moving them beyond just attending to actually just talking to people can be an important first step in making a deeper connection with your church.

Resources to Help Your Team Connect With First Time Guests:

• Download this PDF of “4 Stages of Engagement With First-Time Guests” and talk about it at your next team meeting.

• Listen to this interview with Greg Curtis from Eastside Church in Anaheim, California, that talks about their approach to assimilation and how it helps new people get connected to their church.

• Take your team to play bingo (seriously). How does it feel to go to that for the first time? Reflect on that with your people about how it feels to come to your church for the first time.

The “Super Users”

There is a group of people that hide in plain sight at your church. They are the “super users” who are totally plugged into your ministry in every way. These people attend services all the time, volunteer on a few teams, are plugged into the community, donate to the mission and invite their friends. It’s easy to take this group for granted because they are right in front of you all the time. It can be hard to see them as a distinct group because the church operates because of these people.

This is a critically important group because they are fully plugged into the ministry and see the mission from many angles. In fact, these people often see the inner workings of the ministry more clearly than most leaders because they participate in more aspects of the church than any other single leader. Sometimes these people are easy to dismiss because it seems like their ideas are bit unrealistic because they are so committed to the church. In fact, their fervor for the ministry might actually be off-putting for most leaders because we’re used to dealing with people who are more standoffish about our church.

Three Places to Find “Super Users”

• Donor Data — When pulling out donor data for your church, push past the top 10 percent of the donors that give disproportionately and you’ll often find a layer of faithful givers who consistently give to the mission of this church. Correlate those names with people who are connected to your church in other ways and you’re on your way to find some incredibly solid people in the life of your church.

• First in/Last Out — When you run an event at your church, who are the people that get there before anyone else and are around until the end of the night. Lots of times, churches will have those people that just want to plug in and help and are willing to go an extra mile with their time to make it happen. Watching who steps up at special events is a great way to see who is a “super user” in the life of your church.

• All-In Spouses — Have you ever noticed that “super users” at your church seem to run in pairs? Watch for families who volunteer together or couples who show up all the time to jump in to help. Finding these families will reveal a cluster of impact your church is having and will want to reproduce.

Five Questions to Ask Your “Super Users” to Improve Your Ministry

What change are you looking for in your life by being involved in our ministry? Why is that important to you?
What’s something we should change this month that would help our ministry to be more effective?
Can you describe what parts of our ministry are helping you the most?
What is frustrating about our ministry and needs to change?
What’s something we changed that we need to revisit and possibly reverse?

This article originally appeared here.

How to Avoid the Copy-Cat Leadership Trap

Scott Cochrane

May 8, 2017

One of the best ways to develop in your leadership is to learn from other leaders. Growing leaders will read about other great leaders, will seek to discern their leadership traits, even emulate their leadership skills.

In my own development as a leader, nothing has proven to be more effective than to study the leadership of the great leaders I have found in my orbit through the years.

But I have also learned that one of the worst things you can do is to short-circuit the process by merely attempting to copy these great leaders

Copy-cat leaders do little more than mimic someone else’s leadership style. They’ll try to copy the vision-casting style of Bill Hybels or the teaching mannerisms of Andy Stanley.

This may result in short-term success, but rarely will it yield the lasting impact that comes only from a deeper study of great leaders.

So how can you avoid falling into the copy-cat leadership trap?

1. Ask more “why” questions; ask fewer “how” questions

For every “how” question (“How does that leader use illustrations in his talks?”), ask a bunch of “why” questions. “Why does that leader bring so much energy when dealing with issues of social justice?” “Why does that leader pour so much into younger leaders?”

“How” questions point to technique. “Why” questions point to values.

**2. Focus on a leader’s journey; not just their results**

Many leaders want to copy the seemingly idyllic leadership lifestyle of Hawaii’s Wayne Cordeiro.

Few want to look at the years of burnout that he needed to endure.

Many leaders want to copy Craig Groeschel’s impressive media ministry.

Few want to look at the years of ministry spent in a garage.

The point is, the real “guts” of leadership is often found in studying these leaders’ most grueling experiences.

**3. Seek to become the best leader you can be, not who someone else can be**

God gave you certain leadership gifts, passions, dreams and capacities.

Your goal must be to learn from other great leaders in order to fully grow into the leader God has called you to be, not to become some hybrid of other leaders.

Always learn from the leaders you most admire, but continually check your spirit to ensure you’re not seeking to merely copy them.

Because when it comes to your leadership, you were called to be a one-of-a-kind original, not a mere copy.

This article originally appeared here.

Kim Jong-un’s Hostile Regime Arrests Fourth U.S. Citizen—and Christian—as Tensions Mount

Megan Briggs

May 8, 2017

Kim Hak-song, a professor at North Korea’s Pyongyang University of Science and Technology (PUST), a Christian and a U.S. citizen, was arrested on May 6, 2017. Kim is the fourth American to be arrested under North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s regime, and he likely won’t be the last.

Hak-song was detained while journeying by train from Pyongyang to China’s border town Dandong. In a message posted by Kim Hak-song on a Korean-Brazilian church’s website in Sao Paulo, he identified himself as a Christian missionary trying to start an experimental farm at PUST to help North Korean people learn to become self-sufficient.

Hak-song is the second professor from PUST to be detained; fellow professor Kim Sang-duk was detained while trying to fly out of the country in April. The university was founded in 2010 by evangelical Christians, and the faculty is composed of many volunteers who are also Christians.

Fifty-something-year-old Kim Hak-song joins his fellow professor, 22-year-old student Otto Warmbier, and 62-year-old missionary Kim Dong Chul, to become the fourth U.S. citizen in North Korean prisons. Another missionary, a Canadian pastor named Hyeon Soo Lim, is also currently serving a hard labor life sentence.

When Professor Kim Sang-duk was arrested, PUST released a statement saying the arrest was “related to an investigation into matters that are not connected in any way to PUST.” It is highly possible the two professors were arrested for any work they were doing outside of the university that could have been perceived as having an agenda to proselytize North Korean citizens.

In a short statement, the U.S. state department has acknowledged this latest arrest. Open Doors, a nonprofit organization committed to serving persecuted Christians, ranks North Korea as the worst persecutor of Christians in the world. Open Doors reports that church meetings, owning a Bible and even prayer are against the law under Kim Jong-un’s regime.

The regime has cited “hostile acts” against it as the reason for Hak-song’s detention. The timing of the arrest could point to increased tension in U.S.-North Korea relations as U.S. leaders try to diffuse nuclear threat.

A Personal Prayer Plan

Ronnie Floyd

May 7, 2017

Prayer is a spiritual journey. Just as a journey from your present location to the other side of the country requires that you have a plan to reach your destination, you need a plan to assist you in your spiritual journey of prayer. Prayer is your personal communication with God. Since this is your spiritual destination every day, you need a plan to help you reach your destination effectively and consistently.

In my own life, I have observed that the greatest times in my prayer life have been those in which I followed a specific plan of action for prayer. Here is a plan that I have used from time to time, and I often customize it as I go. Perhaps it will help you or at least serve as a guide. You can modify this plan to meet your own personal prayer needs.

The plan I am suggesting has four features that I believe make it accessible to everyone.

*Simple. This plan is simple for everyone to use. Whether you want to move into another dimension in your prayer life or are teaching a child to pray, I believe this plan can be beneficial.

*Sequential. There is a sense of order to this plan. If this is your first attempt to establish a prayer plan or you have used other plans, a sequential plan can help you. Simplicity combined with sequence produces relevance and productivity, particularly for followers of Christ.

*Specific. One of the reasons this plan is so dynamic is that it leads you to pray for people, ministries, organizations, problems and situations in a specific manner.

*Spiritual. This plan incorporates the Word of God into your prayer and encourages the dynamic of the Holy Spirit in the ministry of prayer.

You can modify this plan to meet your own personal prayer needs, but it can be a useful tool that will make a real difference in your spiritual life.

Step One: Read God’s Word

I believe it is very important to listen to God speak daily through His Word. What He says in His Word will prepare you to talk to Him and will influence what you say to Him in prayer. Always keep in mind that the Word of God and prayer go hand in hand. As you continue through the steps, keep your Bible open near you.

Step Two: Pray

When you pray, follow these principles:

Confession: Effective prayer occurs when you talk to God and listen to what God is saying to you. Sin clogs the lines of communication between you and God. Therefore, confess your sin and your helplessness to God. Confession and repentance are very important in the life of the growing Christian. God hears and answers your prayers when your heart yearns to be clean and right with Him.
Praise: Praise is the expression of your love and adoration for who God is. In your time of praise, focus on three attributes of God’s character. Make this a rich time of worship between you and your Creator.
Thanksgiving: This is the expression of gratefulness to God for all the things He has done for you. Thank him for provisional, physical and spiritual blessings. Thank Him for people who have blessed you. Take the time to say, “Thanks, God.”
Petition: During this time, focus your prayer on personal needs you want to present to God. Do not pray for others yet; pray for the things you believe to be within God’s will for your own life. You can use a personal prayer notebook to record God’s answers to the requests you lift up to Him for both yourself and others.
Intercession: Intercession is the privilege of standing in the gap between the God of heaven and the person you are praying for at the time. Remember: God is attracted to the specific prayers you pray for yourself and others.
Urgent Requests: During your prayer time, you will also want to list urgent requests to pray for every day. An urgent prayer request is so critical that it requires daily attention from you for a specific time or until the crisis has passed. When God places an urgent need on someone else’s life upon your heart, commit yourself to pray for that person daily.
Focus-Day Requests: As you become familiar with the basic principles of this plan, you may choose to add an additional layer of intercession that involves focusing your prayer on a special area each day. Consider the following schedule:
- Sunday: World missions and missionaries
- Monday: Lost and unchurched
- Tuesday: United States of America
- Wednesday: Friends
- Thursday: Christian leaders
- Friday: Your local church
- Saturday: Relatives

When you add focus-day requests to your times of intercession, you will have a healthy balance of prayer. Be careful not to overload this section because too many requests on your prayer list may overwhelm you and even squelch your desire to pray. But remember: Prayer is work!

Step Three: Journal

I believe in the life-changing power of closing your time with God by writing a one-page letter to God. On this one page, you will be recapturing your main burdens as well as the joy of answered prayers. Journaling provides a means of concrete communication with God. It also provides a sense of relief from your burdens. As you document your walk with God in this way, your faith in the power of prayer will increase. Journaling can become one of the greatest dynamics in your prayer life.

Just do it!

This is a suggested plan intended to help you, not bind you. Feel free to customize it according to your desires. The Holy Spirit will work through this plan, granting you spiritual liberty as you communicate with God. In time, these steps will become natural for you. Do not make the plan itself holy. What is holy is when you meet with God in a personal and intimate way every day of your life.

Enjoy the journey! It’s worth it, so just do it!

Now Is the Time to Lead,

Ronnie W. Floyd

This article is an adapted and condensed excerpt from my book How to Pray.

This article originally appeared here.

Leading Difficult People

Dan Reiland

May 7, 2017

It’s probably true that the most difficult person I lead is me.

That might be true about you too.

But beyond that reality, there are those who seem to be genuinely unaware of the negative impact they have on others around them. And there are a few who appear to get a strange sense of satisfaction from creating problems and pushing other people’s buttons.

These difficult people might be a volunteer leader, a vendor, a coworker, a staff member, even a family member. It can be almost anyone you are responsible for leading.

When you allow difficult people to “get away with it,” any environment can become toxic.

So how can we better lead difficult people and survive to tell our grandchildren the stories?

Let’s start with what doesn’t work.

Five common responses to difficult people that do not work:

Avoid the person and the situation.
Give in and surrender. Give them what they want, let them have their way.
Allow the behavior to continue. You don’t give them what they want, but you allow the person to continue with negativity, gossip, etc.
Pass the buck to someone else to handle the situation.
Power up and conquer.

Scripture gives us insight to a better way:

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. —Romans 12:18

The context in this chapter starting with verse 9 is loving people. Verse 17 says “don’t repay evil for evil,” and vs. 19 says “don’t take revenge.”

The passage provides, in principle, the practical insight we need to deal with difficult people according to God’s heart.

It’s a “soul set” for how we see people. Especially when you read verse 17, “be careful to do the right thing.”

Here’s a great practical summary:

I am responsible for how I treat others.
I may not be responsible for how they treat me.
I am responsible for how I react to those who are difficult.

Set your heart first:

1) Difficult isn’t a disease.
Don’t run from difficult people you need to lead. It’s natural to recoil from difficult people, but it doesn’t help.

While it may be counterintuitive to move toward difficult people, it’s important to accept that it’s part of your responsibility as a leader.

It’s easy to love your friends and followers, but the real test of your leadership is how you influence those who test you.

2) Forgive and let it go.
One of the most disheartening situations in ministry is pastors, staff and key volunteer leaders who become hurt, bitter and live with regret.

This may primarily relate to the more extreme situations, but it still happens all too often. Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s always the best path.

Practical points for leading difficult people:

1) Discover what is underneath.

When a person becomes difficult, and the situation seems to persist, try setting the issue aside and take the conversation to a more personal level.

Get “underneath” the obvious to discover if there is something deeper. My favorite go-to question is “What is really bothering you here?” It’s important to ask that question in a kind and caring way.

When you connect with the real issue, it’s much easier to love and lead someone.

2) Manage your own emotions well.

It’s vital to remain emotionally self-aware and in control. When you lose control, you lose.

This does not mean to become bottled up and detached, but of all the things that could make the list in the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, kindness, forbearance, goodness, faithfulness gentleness—self-control is included (Galatians 5:22)!

When you become angry, you forfeit your leadership.

You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons, but you don’t have to descend to their level.

Here’s a practical plan for when a difficult person is getting to you.

Count to five.
Lower your volume.
Sit back in your chair.
Speak deliberately.
Call time out if you need to.

Hot heads never win in the long run.

3) Set limits and boundaries.

So far, I’ve emphasized our approach with difficult people. How we manage our heart, thoughts and emotions.

But some people are just plain difficult nearly all the time. We don’t want to be around them, and it can be hard to love them.

Boundaries and limits are healthy and necessary. Here are the boundaries I use.

My first boundary is respect. The person can disagree with me, and express dissatisfaction with my leadership, but it must be respectful.

My second boundary is alignment. We need to agree on the overall mission and head in the same direction. It cannot become all about their personal agenda.

My third boundary is progress. Difficult conversations are part of leadership, and it’s not uncommon to get stuck for awhile. But soon we need to make progress!

4) Communicate clear expectations.

Setting clear expectations is vital to working with a difficult person.

Think through what is needed for a healthy relationship and progress in ministry, and make that clear.

5) Lead them to higher ground.

This is your opportunity to encourage and inspire.

It’s not about selling and winning, don’t close a deal like you’re in sales.

Help them see themselves and the situation differently and for their good!

Establish common ground.
Communicate their value. Affirm the person.
Point toward the bigger vision.
Warn them of the consequences of continuing in the same path.

6) Pick your battles.

Sometimes people will knock on your door with the intention of “picking a fight.” And sometimes the situation escalates to the level of a battle.

Always ask yourself, does this battle need to be fought? Sometimes it’s important to set it aside to climb a bigger hill.

7) Focus on solutions.

Resolution of some kind is needed.

Productive solutions are best.

The worst thing is to leave a situation in a mess. Someone needs to clean it up. If you don’t, someone else must.

Two crucial questions that help bring insight and resolution:

What would you like me to do differently?
What do you want?

When you know what the person wants, you can be clear about whether or not you will be able to comply. In the end, sometimes you must say no and hold your ground. And sometimes you should remove the person from leadership.

There will always be difficult people you are responsible for leading. How you lead them can change you, them and the church for good!

This article originally appeared here.

Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”?

Tejado Hanchell

May 7, 2017

Let me state at the outset: I do not believe in the male-female platonic relationship.

Much like Santa Claus, the Abominable Snowman and the Tooth Fairy, there is very little evidence to prove its existence. In fact, there is a mountain of evidence to the contrary.

I have seen countless “friendships” ruined once one “buddy” decided to get into a serious relationship.

I even know of a man and woman who were “friends,” literally, for years. They took vacations together, and even stayed in the same hotel room with no hint of sexual activity, yet, when he found the love of his life and got engaged, his life-long “friend” started acting a whole lot like a jilted lover.

This is not to say that EVERY male-female relationship turns out this way. However, I believe that there are very few—if any—truly platonic male-female relationships.

Before you jump down my throat and tell me how much of an idiot I am (which I encourage you to do in the comments section), let’s get an understanding of what the word platonic really means. Platonic traces its etymology to the doctrines of Greek philosopher, Plato. In regards to relationships, it means a relationship that is “purely spiritual” and/or “free from sensual desire.”

Now, this is where the proponents of the existence of the platonic relationship say, “Well, I’m not attracted to him/her IN THAT WAY.” The need to qualify the statement disqualifies the argument.

Also, notice that the presence of physical attraction is not the only thing that nullifies the platonic relationship. In order for a relationship to be considered truly platonic, it must be “purely spiritual.” I don’t know about you, but there are very few, if any, relationships in my entire life that have been purely spiritual.

I know some who have used the guise of spirituality to get close to someone of the opposite sex. That’s how so many late night “prayer meetings” have turned into all night “touching and agreeing”!

Or, how many times have you talked to a married couple who says, “We were friends for years before we started dating”? Did the desire to be “more than friends” develop on their first date? Or, more likely, did they begin to have feelings beyond friendship while one or both of them were still putting up the charade that we’re “just friends”?

As someone who, as a single man, always felt more comfortable having a lot of female “friends,” let me speak from my own personal experience.

I hung out with females all the time. We went to the movies, dinner, etc., and it never went beyond that with many of them. However, we often tend to define platonic relationships based upon actions, when they are really defined by feelings.

I may not have DONE anything with them, but that did not mean I did not FEEL anything for them.

On the other hand, I have no way of knowing how these women felt about me.

This, I believe, is the defining element in my argument against the existence of the male-female platonic relationship—you NEVER know how someone else truly feels. What you may consider a “friendship” may be the first step to courtship for the other person—you NEVER know.

Even if you ask, studies have shown that people will lie about their true feelings so as not to jeopardize the friendship (and any hope of it becoming more).

I’m not saying all of this to encourage you to cut all ties with all of your friends of the opposite sex. What I am saying is that we all need to carefully analyze the nature of our relationships, and be honest—especially with ourselves.

Most people who say they are PLATONIC…are really just PLAYING. Now, the male-female platonic relationship may actually exist, but just like with UFOs and the Loch Ness Monster…very few have seen it and lived to tell the tale.

What to Say When Your Child Tells You “I’m Not Sure I Want to Be a Christian Anymore”

Brad Hambrick

May 7, 2017

This post was originally published on the CareLeader resource site on January 17, 2017.
We asked pastoral counselor Brad Hambrick this question: “What counsel would you give to the parents of a teenage daughter who announces, ‘I don’t think I want to be a Christian anymore’?” We thought his response would be especially valuable to youth pastors or youth leaders who might be having this sort of conversation with a teenager.

BE SURE TO LISTEN TO HER REASONS

Here are some thoughts on how to approach a moment like that. The first thing I would encourage you to say is, “Thank you. I know this is a heavy thing to share, and it can’t be easy to come to us when you know that we’re believers and this is important to us.” Then pause and give her the opportunity to talk while you listen.

ASK ABOUT HOW LONG SHE HAS WRESTLED WITH THIS

Second, you might acknowledge the amount of time it took her to come to the point where she was willing to share this with you. So you might say something like, “I know by the time you bring this up to us you’ve been thinking about this for a while. Do you mind sharing with us what that journey has been like, the things you’ve been wrestling with, the kinds of questions you’ve thought about?” Again, just pause and listen. The more she feels heard, the more weight anything that you say is going to have.

ASK ABOUT INFLUENCES ON HER THINKING

In the midst of her comments, if she doesn’t share who some of the significant voices in her life are, you might ask about that. “Who are the people that you’ve talked to? What are the books you’ve read that have influenced you coming to the point where you’re not sure you want to be a Christian?” Again, when you’ve asked that question, pause and listen. Ask her, “Is it OK if I write down this resource so I can read it?” Honor the journey she’s been on by engaging with it and being willing to hear about it.

ASK ABOUT THE POSSIBLE “BURDENS” OF BEING A CHRISTIAN

Another question that you might want to ask is, “If you weren’t a Christian, is there something that this would relieve you of? Is there some kind of burden that this would take off of you? Is there a problem that not being a Christian would resolve?” Usually, when people decide not to be a Christian, they do so more for emotional reasons than for intellectual reasons. Occasionally it’s about not being sure of creationism or something like that. But more often than not, it is some hardship that they’ve been through. For example: “My friend committed suicide and I can’t imagine how there could be a good God who would let that happen.” Or, “I have some sin that I’m struggling with, and I don’t think I would ever be able to give that up.” And at least at that point parents (and youth workers) can begin to talk about the real issue instead of debating why someone needs to be a Christian. You’re talking to where her heart is. Regardless of how that conversation lands, I would encourage you to extend the conversation.

ASK IF YOU CAN HAVE SOME “PROCESSING TIME”

Extending the conversation might sound something like this: “You know, you’ve been thinking about this for a while. This whole deliberation is like 18 months old for you. You just brought this to me, and so it’s 18 minutes old for me. I would love to be able to talk more about this, and so is it all right if I give some thought to the things that you’ve shared? I think you’ve made your points well, and I’d love to pray about them and think about them so we can talk about this again.” Just phrasing it in the form of a question honors the teen’s deliberations. If you say, “We’re going to talk about this again, young lady,” then you’re invoking your authority so that she no longer has a voice. But teens do have a voice in their personal faith. And when we have conversations about that, we need to honor that voice.

ACCESS YOUR RESOURCES TO HELP THE PARENTS DEAL WITH THIS ISSUE

Once you’ve landed the plane there, and you’ve created the opportunity to come back to the conversation, there are some things that would be important in helping her parents. One of those would be to pray with the parents for their daughter. Only God can open eyes and give ears to hear. Most Christian parents would acknowledge that they need God in their parenting. However, when they come to a moment like this, what they acknowledge intellectually, they feel palpably in a way that will increase their dependence on Him.

In addition, they need to have support from others. If they’re not talking to friends who know and care for them, they will probably talk to their daughter too much about this subject because it’s on their minds. Supportive Christian friends allow them to have other conversations with their daughter that go beyond this subject area, which is really important. They need to have a broader relationship with their daughter than just this subject, because it can make the parent-child relationship feel more like an intentional project than a loving family relationship. Doing things like going to a movie or going out to dinner at her favorite restaurant will show her that the parents can still relate to her and that they will continue to be her mom and dad.

Finally, from this initial conversation you probably will glean a lot of information that you and her parents can study, which means this can be a moment of growth for everyone. And so pray, offer support, study and grow. Remind her parents that their relationship with their daughter needs to be broader than her personal faith so that when they have the personal faith conversations, they can have more impact because they haven’t taken all the oxygen out of the room.

If this post was beneficial for you, then consider reading other blogs from my “Favorite Posts on Parenting” post which address other facets of this subject.

This article originally appeared here.

Key Questions:

Key Quotes:

Mentioned in the Show:

1. They Are Led by Passionate Leaders

2. They’ve Figured Out the Structural Issues That Hold People Back

3. They Are Relentlessly Focused on Reaching People Outside Their Walls

4. They’re Willing to Do What It Takes

5. They Refuse to Let the Present Become a Barrier to the Future

Want More?

What Do You See?

“INTERESTING” or “HMMM”

HEADS UP

THANK GOD

Here are seven intangible things I try to do each day:

Here are seven suggestions:

1. Unhealthy churches never measure baptisms as a ratio of attendance.

2. Unhealthy churches never measure church average age compared to community.

3. Unhealthy churches never measure the percentage of adults serving.

4. Unhealthy churches never measure visitor flow.

5. Unhealthy churches never measure secondary giving levels.

Very First-Time Guests

The “Super Users”

1. Ask more “why” questions; ask fewer “how” questions

2. Focus on a leader’s journey; not just their results

3. Seek to become the best leader you can be, not who someone else can be

Set your heart first:

Practical points for leading difficult people:

1) Discover what is underneath.

2) Manage your own emotions well.

3) Set limits and boundaries.

4) Communicate clear expectations.

5) Lead them to higher ground.

6) Pick your battles.

7) Focus on solutions.

BE SURE TO LISTEN TO HER REASONS

ASK ABOUT HOW LONG SHE HAS WRESTLED WITH THIS

ASK ABOUT INFLUENCES ON HER THINKING

ASK ABOUT THE POSSIBLE “BURDENS” OF BEING A CHRISTIAN

ASK IF YOU CAN HAVE SOME “PROCESSING TIME”

ACCESS YOUR RESOURCES TO HELP THE PARENTS DEAL WITH THIS ISSUE

New Articles

New Podcasts

**2. Focus on a leader’s journey; not just their results**

**3. Seek to become the best leader you can be, not who someone else can be**