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Six Ways Horizontal Hostility Is Killing the Church

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Horizontal hostility is a sociological phenomenon used to describe infighting or factionalism within a minority movement. Rather than banding together, subgroups snipe and fight with each other.

It’s that weird thing that happens in small subcultures—when outsiders look in, they can’t believe the groups fighting each other. Some humorous examples would be:

  • Why do people who love Star Wars not get along with Star Trek fans?
  • Did you know that vegans can’t stand vegetarians because they haven’t gone “all the way”?
  • There are people within the Disney fan subculture who love Walt Disney World in Florida and refuse to go to Disneyland in California (and vice-versa)!
  • Within the motorcycle community, there are BMW bikers who would rather walk than ride a Harley Davidson (but don’t worry…the feeling is mutual).

To people outside these subcultures, these differences seem almost comical or trivial. But to the people in the midst of these communities, the differences are huge and define who they are. In fact, as these subcultures become more enthusiastic and entrenched in these turf wars, they end up looking more and more bizarre to the general public.

There are times when the consequences of horizontal hostility are even greater and have a deep impact on social change movements. For instance:

  • Heather Whitestone was the first Deaf Miss America; however, she was protested against by deaf groups because she uses oral English and not American Sign Language…she wasn’t “deaf enough” for her contemporaries. [ref]
  • Maria Hylton was the first African American Law Professor at Northwestern University and was protested against by the Northwestern Black Student Association because she was too light skinned and not considered “black enough.” [ref]

In recent years, this behavior has accelerated because it is now possible for these subgroups to self-organize on the Internet. The dark side of finding a community online is that groups can continue to splinter into smaller and more passionate subgroups, having even more stringent rules defining who’s in and who’s out.

This behavior is pervasive within the church too, and it’s killing us.

The widespread impact of “horizontal hostility” on the Body of Christ is accelerating our collective irrelevance and paving the path toward the decline of the church.

Unfortunately, it’s relatively easy to find examples of this behavior online. Even a quick search can find fresh examples of Christians within relatively similar communities of the evangelical Christian world sniping at someone else within our same community. Here are some examples:

All this arguing among ourselves would be interesting parlor conversation if the broader church was having widespread impact but it’s really the opposite that’s true. We don’t have that luxury anymore.

Ninety-four percent of churches are losing ground against the population growth of their communities.

By 2050, the percentage of the U.S. population attending church is estimated to be half that of 1990. [ref]

The Church is caught in a dramatic downward spiral and rather than banding together, we’re scattering farther and farther apart. At the very moment when we need to see the commonality of our fellow Christ-following brothers and sisters, we’re actually fracturing into smaller and smaller subsets with decreasing impact and effectiveness.

Where are the unifying voices of the church looking to find common ground among broader movements to build consensus and agreement toward the end of getting people to come into relationship with Jesus? Billy Graham unified a community of “progressive fundamentalists” who would go on to call themselves “evangelicals” and reach millions with the message of Jesus. [ref] They stood up against the fringe voices among themselves who wanted to divide and split hairs rather than accomplish their common desire to see people encounter Christ. Those days seem like distant faint memories or maybe even worse, like something off the Andy Griffith show from so many years ago.

Six Ways Horizontal Hostility Is Killing the Church

  • Stunted Discipleship – If we end up just gathering into communities of Christians who are just like us and believe like we presently believe, our spiritual growth will be stunted. We aren’t all the same and it’s actually in reveling in our differences that we see a full picture of what it means to follow Christ. The Holy Spirit is in all of us and I need to see how God is leading other Christ-followers as a part of our own discipleship journey. “If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?” 1 Corinthians 12:17
  • Shifted Focus – Picking on other churches is an easy and secondary target. It’s small leadership focusing on small issues. It’s taking our eyes off Christ’s final command to his first followers when he said “you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8). His last words to us need to be our first priority. Picking fights among ourselves distracts us from what we’re supposed to be doing.
  • Sideways Energy – If you have ever been attacked by another Christian, you know the feeling that ends up happening. It results in hours, days, even weeks of distracted conversations as you think through what is the best way to respond. It means that you end up having a bunch of thoughts wrestling through what your next response should be. Even if you end up deciding it’s not worth the effort to try to correct a brother or sister, you only reach that point after a tremendous amount of energy is exerted. Ironically, you didn’t instigate the issue, but it ends up negatively impacting your ability to work on what God is calling your church or ministry to do.
  • Echo Chamber – If you look around and everyone in your ministry looks and sounds the same, it’s time for you to change. The Body of Christ should be the most dynamic and diverse gathering in our communities. Horizontal hostility ends up forcing us into homogeneous units that look increasingly strange to the outside world. Think about the last time you saw a religious group that all dressed and acted the same…how did that make you feel? Creeped out, right? The impact of this behavior will make our ministries blander and ultimately less effective in reaching out beyond ourselves.
  • Operational Drag – I was trying to think of a more lofty way to say this but it’s just a waste of resources. The effort required to define the line between who is in and who is out proves to be costly. The time, effort and energy that you spend on this slows you down on your mission. It creates fuzziness in the people you are attempting to reach out to because rather than getting people to wrestle with where they are at with Jesus you are asking them to consider what they think about this other ministry. It’s a waste of effort.
  • SEO Impact – I led in a ministry that was falsely attacked online. Honestly, the claims were baseless and I think the people making them were really just bored and wanted to take us down a notch because of the growth and impact our ministry was making. It might seem like a trivial consideration, but the long-term impact of those people’s posts and forum discussions lingered on for years in our ministry. It had real world impact as we interacted with suppliers, town officials and vendors for years to come. We ended up needing to explain these false claims to people and I’m sure it negatively impacted our ability to get some ministry work done because of it. Search engines attempt to present a balanced view of an organization so negative stories like this quickly float up in the ratings and stick around for a long time. It might seem fun for you in the short-term to take someone down a notch online, but if you love the message of Jesus, consider the long-term impact those words are going to have on a brother or sister.

Can we stop thinking we’ve got it all figured out?

These verses haunt me as I think about people in church leadership. Look closely at what Jesus is saying here in this passage. I wish it were more obscure and hard to understand. The fact that it is so straightforward is what makes it so powerful.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’” – Matthew 7:21-23

Jesus is saying that there are people who are going to have amazing ministries but they are somehow doing it apart from him.

That message should cause us all to walk humbly. If you read that and your mind jumps to other people who you think Jesus is talking about…repent. That’s a message for all of us to walk closely with the Lord and keep our relationship fastened to him tightly.

It’s not a weapon for you to lob at that other church across town. Seriously.

Four Ways Every Church Leader Can Fight Horizontal Hostility

  • Jesus – He’s our example from start to finish. Before you look to take on someone else ask yourself if what you are reflecting is the Spirit of Christ. In a world that is walking farther and farther away from God…is this what will help people see Jesus more clearly?
  • Befriend Church Leaders – Get outside your tribe. Find some Christ followers who aren’t like you. Get to know them. See them in their finest hour and celebrate with them. Get to know their dreams for the future. Pray for those dreams.
  • Publicly Celebrate – The Kingdom of Christ is bigger than any of our individual expressions. It feels so strange to have to declare such a stunningly obvious thing like that. Take time in your services to celebrate what God is doing through other churches and ministries close to you. Bonus points for doing it for that church that people are leaving your church to go to.
  • Ignore the Arguments – Don’t be entrapped by this red meat. Don’t feed the trolls. Rise above this and move on. Be blissfully unaware of what people are talking about. Walk away when you’re with those other church leaders and they start to poke somebody else. Repent and ask for forgiveness if you’ve engaged in it.

I’d love to hear from you. Where do you see this at work? What am I missing? Where is my blind spot in this? How do I need to learn and grow?

This article originally appeared here.

What It Takes to Create a Ministry Culture

communicating with the unchurched

This is a picture of me with my boys at our Christmas party a couple of months ago. Seems like it was over a year ago. Although I had been a leader for many of them at camps, being their Life Group leader was like starting over with new boys. With new boys, the good news is my jokes are funny again. I can catch them off guard with a joke I’ve told a million times. It’s glorious. I’m cool again.

The struggle, however, is building in some more unnatural parts of Life Group culture. For this post, I’m specifically writing about hugs. These are super important to have a level of bonding that makes the boys like family with me and with each other. This week was my first glimmer of hope that it’s taking hold. While I didn’t acknowledge it verbally, I for sure took note.

Starting on the second night of Life Group, I start to turn handshakes into hugs. Every boy gets a hug when he arrives at Life Group and before he leaves. For some of my boys, this could be the only hug they get all week. I don’t make a big deal of it, I just make it happen. Sometimes I’ll even say, “You’re a good guy,” or some other quick word of encouragement in the split second of the hug.

They’re always good about it. I even have a “cool” way of doing it that makes it seem a little more masculine. I kinda give them a soft punch on the back with both fists instead of going in for the bear hug. Baby steps, right?

We will let out for the summer in just a couple of weeks and it finally happened. I was in the kitchen the other night when one of the boys had to leave. His mom was here to get him. He sought me out to give me a hug and say goodbye before he left. WE. HAVE. ARRIVED!!! Of course, I acted like nothing special had happened. I gotta keep it cool, right? However, my consistency to build this caring part of our Life Group culture has now become something they initiate.

All of this to say, building culture takes intentionality, consistency and determination over time. If you try something to build culture, don’t be bummed out if it doesn’t take hold right away. We’ve been meeting in Life Group for about six months. This is the first time one of my new students has sought out the hug. Caring aspects of youth ministry are too important to give up on. Be the culture until they catch it and take initiative to do it. It’ll happen.

This article originally appeared here.

What Will Your Legacy Be?

communicating with the unchurched

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to interview Steve Green here on the blog, and now I’m thrilled to share a guest post from his dad, David Green.

David Green is the founder of Hobby Lobby. In 1970 David borrowed $600 to buy a molding chopper, set up shop in his garage at home, and started making miniature wooden picture frames. Today, Hobby Lobby employs more than 32,000 people, operates 750 stores in 47 states, and has become the largest privately owned arts and crafts retailer in the world.

David has a new book, Giving It All Away, that shares his incredible heart, vision and legacy, and it is my prayer that his book causes all of us to deeply think about the legacy we are leaving behind…

I believe that God has placed us on this earth to work, to earn and to care for those he has entrusted to us. Yet I also believe that we are put on this earth to give, to devote ourselves to a radical brand of generosity that changes lives and leaves a legacy. To paraphrase God’s words to patriarch Abraham, we are blessed so that we can be a blessing.

BUT WHAT DO WE MEAN WHEN WE TALK ABOUT BEING BLESSED?

In our culture, this might be interpreted as financial blessing. And certainly finances can be part of it. I believe, however, that the blessing God talks about encompasses so much more. Since I have been exceptionally blessed in my life, I have determined to give exceptionally as well. And what about the other ways in which I’ve been blessed?

Family
Friends
Talents
Freedom
Education
I could go on. I’m sure you could too.

When I consider all of the blessings I’ve been given, it’s hard for me not to pause and thank my Lord and my God. His heart is generous. His blessings are wide and rich.

People may know my name now, but I started out like any Joe. Humble beginnings, working hard. But, as God would have it, my story took a turn. It was a turn marked by a faith that pushed me to my limits. Through it all, I learned to trust, and that trust led me onto a path of generosity. I look forward to telling some of the story of this journey in the pages of my book.

My second purpose is to offer the lessons my wife, Barbara, and I learned while trying to fashion a legacy for those who come after us in our family.

AND THERE IT IS: LEGACY. WHAT IS A LEGACY, ANYWAY?

The dictionary gives two definitions. First, a legacy is an amount of money or property passed to someone in a will. Second, a legacy is a thing handed down by a predecessor. I want to use the second definition because I believe it includes everything—from belief to right action to finances. You and I possess so much to hand to our predecessors, things seen and unseen.

MY STORY BEGINS IN THE UNSEEN THINGS.

God took me on a wild trip that landed me where I am today, in the land of seen things—my company, Hobby Lobby. But God has taught me that with great wealth and power comes great obligation to the next generation. Knowing this, I have worked through my legacy plan more than once and have finally landed here, writing you my thoughts on the matter.

This is the story I want to recount in my book Giving It All Away. My hope is that others can learn from it and that perhaps our generation can begin doing what few generations before us have done well: pass a true legacy on to those who follow us.

I realize that running a billion dollar company doesn’t exactly make me just one of the guys from a purely financial standpoint. Money tends to separate us in our culture, and that’s unfortunate because I’m just like you. I get up every day, spend time with God, kiss my wife, eat some breakfast and go to work.

I’m just a man. I started my career working retail, stocking shelves. I got married and started a family. I’ve lost sleep wondering about the future of my wife and kids.

NOW I’M ENTERING THAT AREA OF THE BATON EXCHANGE, AND I WANT TO DO IT WELL.

I want us all to do it well. I want my grandchildren to grow up understanding that generosity begins with an attitude that extends into every aspect of life, not just money. I want them to understand that today begins their legacy. Because if there’s one thing I’ve discovered, it’s that true wealth encompasses all of life.

That’s the big idea. I believe we can chart a course for our lives and our families that allows us to think beyond one generation. We can outline our vision, mission and values. And we can live that out through our generosity. These ideas will allow us to stay rich for generations—not just in a monetary sense but in a values sense.

Some of you reading this are standing in shoes similar to my own. You are nearing the end of your life, wondering how to finish well and leave a legacy that will bless your family and those they interact with for generations to come. Some of you are just starting out in life, taking your first steps toward those dreams and plans.

Whether you’re at the end or the beginning of life, I want to challenge you to do three things:

  1. Work with all your heart, for God and not for men.
  2. Hold those plans lightly, because you really have no idea what the Lord has in store.
  3. Consider now what you want your legacy to be. It is not too early to begin.

The decisions you make today will affect the legacy you leave behind. Whether you are a young business man who has found himself encountering what the world sees as success both in career and family life, or a young woman who recently graduated and has no idea what is in front of you, today is the right day to make your decisions in light of the truth that God owns it all. Live your life in this world while investing your wealth in the next.

When I was growing up, we didn’t have much artwork in our house. Money was tight, and our family got along with just the basics of life. Knicknacks, frills and family photos were not to be found in our simple home.

BUT THERE WAS ONE PLAQUE ON THE WALL I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN. IT WAS A SHORT POEM:

Only one life
’Twill soon be past
Only what’s done
For Christ will last

In my teen years and for quite a few years into my adulthood, the words of that poem stirred up guilt inside me whenever I remembered them.

Assuming that “what’s done for Christ” meant work done as a pastor with his flock, as an evangelist on the street corner, or as a missionary to remote tribes in Africa, I felt defeated because I knew those were things I could not do. Not until my late 30s did I discover the joy of giving to God’s work and come to realize its lasting value.

UNTIL RECENTLY, I HAD NO IDEA THAT THOSE LINES WERE ACTUALLY PART OF A LONGER POEM WITH A VERY INTERESTING STORY

It was written by the son of a wealthy British family, Charles Thomas (C. T.) Studd, who lived from 1860 to 1931. His father had made a fortune producing indigo dye in India. Charles and his brothers attended the best schools England could offer, first Eaton and then Cambridge, where Charles became, as some have called him, the “Michael Jordan” of cricket. Charles represented his country on the national cricket team and became a household name in Britain. He knew that when he turned 25 years old, he would inherit a large sum—some $25 million in today’s dollars—from his father’s estate.

Yet by that time, God had touched his heart and called him to service overseas. He started out in China, where he married a young Irish woman of like mind. Together, they gave away their entire portion of the Studd fortune to such ministries as George Müller’s orphanage, D.L. Moody’s Bible school in Chicago, the China Inland Mission and the Salvation Army. From that point on, they trusted God to supply their needs.

Ten years of work in China were followed by six years in India, where Studd’s father had become rich. C.T.’s health was not the greatest by then, and neither was his wife’s. After India, he pressed on for another 21 years in the heart of Africa until he died and was buried there at age 70. His passion was to share the gospel with those who had never heard of Christ.

C.T. Studd was a man who did not let family money distract him from what was truly important in life. History tells us that his children caught his values system. Three of his daughters married Christian leaders. Some 2,000 Congolese showed up for his funeral in July 1931.

I will never be the speaker and writer he was, but I am just as committed to the goals he exemplified. Of the various scriptures under the glass on my desk, this is perhaps the most compelling in my heart and mind:

“This and this only has been my appointed work: getting this news to those who have never heard of God, and explaining how it works by simple faith and plain truth” (1 Tim. 2:7–8 The Message).

I hope they put that verse on my tombstone. Through the efforts of the company God has allowed us to build, I want as many people as possible to come to know Christ as Savior. Fortunately, if God blesses the values and financial arrangements that I’ve described in this book, then there is no reason my work will not go on long after I’m gone.

I can think of nothing that would make me happier.

This is an excerpt from Giving It All Away…And Getting It Back Again by David Green with Bill High. Copyright © 2017 by David Green. Used by permission ofZondervan

David Green is the founder of Hobby Lobby, the largest privately owned arts and crafts retailer in the world. He is soft-spoken, passionate about his faith and dedicated to his family. David & his wife, Barbara, are the proud parents of two sons and one daughter, grandparents to 10, and great grandparents to eight.

This article originally appeared here.

Should Pastors Ever Sound Off Publicly?

communicating with the unchurched

In a world of instant hot takes and online takedowns, it’s never been easier for pastors to get engaged in polemics.

Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Faithful shepherds not only feed the flock, they also fend off wolves. If a pastor is never willing to enter the fray on anything—never willing to get his hands dirty, never willing to risk his reputation, never willing to make a few enemies—I doubt he’s fulfilling his calling to guard the good deposit (2 Tim. 1:14).

And yet, just because we have a way to make our voice heard does not mean it’s always wise to speak. I don’t pretend that I’ve arrived at some golden mean when it comes to polemics. I imagine some people say, “That guy is so opinionated!” while others feel like, “He never says anything about that!” It’s easy to think everyone else is either too soft or too pugnacious. I know the temptation.

But over 15 years of pastoral ministry, I’d like to think I’m at least a little smarter about polemics than I used to be. If not holier and wiser, then just more seasoned. Here are some of the questions I ask myself before sounding off on the most recent blogging brouhaha or charging headlong into the latest denominational melee. I don’t go through all 10 as some sort of checklist, but these are the thoughts often rattling through my brain.

1. Am I making the problem bigger than it needs to be by giving people my microphone? Sure, I may be annoyed by that post or that podcast. And maybe what was said shouldn’t have been said. But before I respond publicly—especially to something that wasn’t even directed at me—I need to consider if I’m only going to make matters worse. Most dumb stuff out there disappears in a week, if not in a day or two. Why should I make a martyr out of someone hardly anyone is talking about? Why should I direct more eyeballs to a discussion that has been languishing in obscurity?

2. Am I becoming a one-trick pony? When I co-authored a book on the emergent church, I often told myself and told audiences: I don’t want to be talking about this in 10 years. And by God’s grace, I don’t think I am. I said that not only because I hoped the movement would lose steam (which it did) but also because I had no interest in being the anti-emergent guy for the rest of my life. To be sure, we may feel a particular calling to address a certain issue. We need people whose “thing” is justification or religious freedom or biblical eldership or whatever. But we should be on high alert if our “thing” is always to be the critic, even if what we criticize is deserving of criticism.

3. Do I know enough to contribute meaningfully to this discussion? I’m reading Tom Nichols’s fascinating book The Death of Expertise. It’s not an apology for elitism. It’s a sustained argument against the hubris of thinking that we know as much as anyone else about everything. We don’t. I don’t. It may seem like everyone wants you or me to say something. But maybe it’s OK for you and I to admit that sometimes we don’t really have much to say.

4. Is a public response the best way to make a difference? Because so many of our thoughts and photos and experiences are open to worldwide consumption, we tend to think that nothing really counts unless it happens in the public square. Consequently, it seems as if you don’t care or haven’t done anything until (or unless) you’ve said something online. Rubbish. There is much good (often much more good) that can be done—polemical and otherwise—through private conversations, building institutions, nurturing relationships and mentoring disciples.

5. Is this confusing real flesh and blood people I know? This is usually the trip wire for me. As far as I can remember, every instance of theological polemics I’ve been a part of—from the emergent church to Rob Bell to Jesus Hates Religion to issues surrounding sanctification—was initiated because people in my church were asking questions.

6. Is this helping me to faithfully pastor my own congregation? I’m sure there are many non-pastors reading this post. Most of these questions apply to all Christians. But pastors in particular need to think about this one. We have been called to a specific people in a specific location. We have not been ordained and installed as pastors-at-large to the “online community.” If our social media activity means we don’t have enough time to prepare our sermons and pray with the saints, we have our priorities backward. Our online presence should be an extension of caring for our own flock, not a replacement for doing the more important work of pastoral ministry.

7. Am I looking to persuade or to emote? If we want to possibly, maybe, actually change someone’s mind, we have to be careful, circumspect, and include the necessary caveats and qualifications. If the aim is simply to vent our frustrations, may I suggest keeping a handwritten journal instead.

8. How would I talk about this issue or to these people if they were in the room? I started writing more carefully once I started meeting the people I was writing about. The goal is not to be man-pleasers, just generally humane. I think I can now honestly say that I never write something critical about someone without assuming that (1) he or she will read it, and (2) I will meet him or her someday in person. Whether those two things are true, I don’t know. But it makes me more careful. And it helps me sleep much better at night.

9. Is my style of communication reinforcing what I hold dear or undermining it? We’ve all seen it before (and probably have done it ourselves). The grace guy who shows no mercy. The spiritual formation guru who is a constant crank. The “I’m not perfect” blogger who points out everyone’s imperfections. When we you see someone practicing something different than they preach, common sense says I’m not buying what you’re selling.

10. What is the motivation of my heart? If you skip the other nine questions, don’t skip this one. I have to ask myself at times, Why am I so riled up? Why am I pounding out this post? What is going on in my heart right now? If truth be told, we are all tempted by the same things: pride, fear of man, love of the praise of man, the need to prove ourselves, the need to defend ourselves, the allure of making a name for ourselves, the desire to be thought courageous, smart and godly. Is that why we all do what we do online? I don’t think so. It’s certainly not the only explanation. But is it the reason a lot of what ends up online ends up online? Probably. You can’t fix all that. Neither can I. But we can look at our own hearts and pray that God would keep working on those.

This article originally appeared here.

Pastor: Why You Need to Spend More Time With NON-Pastors

communicating with the unchurched

Most pastors have a rightful desire to train up future pastors. We realize that one day, our ministry will end and we ought to be preparing the next generation to take the gospel to the land we cannot go. This focus, however, can lead us to overemphasize pastoral training at the cost of training “normal guys.”

What follows are a few reminders as to why we must use some of our best time, energy and resources training up plumbers, lawyers, teachers and bankers. I will be focusing this discussion on the discipling of men in particular. The need to care for sisters in the Lord is critical and is related to most of the points I make, but won’t be the aim of this article.

1. They make up most of your flock.

“Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood” (Acts 20:28).

God has called you to give attention to all the flock, not just some of it. The size of a congregation has an impact on how much attention elders can give to each sheep, but it goes without question that every sheep must matter to us because every sheep matters to God.

If most of your time, energy and effort is given to future pastors, you’ll neglect the majority of your flock. This focus could unintentionally stifle the growth of the majority of your members who need discipling, instruction and pastoral counsel. It could also provoke members to bitterness, causing them to feel like “second-class sheep” in comparison to those who aspire to be pastors. Satan delights in cultivating distrust between sheep and shepherds, and this is an easy way to do it.

One way to consider addressing this tension is to include aspiring pastors in the work of shepherding other sheep. Jesus and Paul are almost always found with disciples by their side. A wise way to care for all the flock and raise up future pastors is to bring these groups together as often as possible.

2. They can reach people pastors can’t.

Before going into full-time ministry I loved working regular jobs. This is because I’m an evangelist at heart and those jobs afforded me the opportunity to be around people who didn’t know Jesus. But when someone becomes a pastor, they’re in one sense making the decision to retreat from the front-lines of evangelism to equip others who will take the gospel into the world.

As a pastor, I view discipling our members as the development of missionaries who will reach people I’ll never be able to reach. My job is to “equip the saints for the work of ministry” (Eph. 4:12). If we’re predominantly spending our time with hopeful pastors, we’ll neglect the equipping of church members who are on the front-lines of gospel work in the community.

Brothers, investing in a financier, construction worker, lawyer or teacher is an investment in people who will reach those you will never be able to reach. This is part of Jesus’ wise plan for reaching the world; don’t neglect it.

It’s also wise to know that some church members can reach other members more effectively than a pastor. For innumerable reasons, some immature sheep are hesitant to receive instruction from pastors, but are willing to listen to other members. As you equip “normal” brothers for ministry, you develop allies and advocates who can help hesitant sheep grow up into maturity.

3. They will help you be a better preacher.  

Hanging out with aspiring pastors can be rewarding, but pastors need time with normal people. When we spend time with men who are dealing with unbelieving bosses, the stress of travel, the pressure to make sales profits and so on, God educates us about needs of our flock that we might otherwise have overlooked. This shapes us and our preaching.

By spending time with men, visiting their work places and eating meals in their homes, we gain insights into unique issues we must address in our preaching. Texts we preach yield fresh applications because we see how they apply to the men we meet with. By neglecting discipling relationships with non-pastoral men, we’re robbing the church of rich insights that benefit everyone who hears the sermon.

Pastors aren’t just message-givers, but also message-livers. We’re called to be “examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:3). Therefore, being around the flock helps them see what our message looks like in real life. It also helps us avoid hypocrisy. By being among our members, we’ll remember our own sermon applications and ensure we’re applying them ourselves. Not a few times, I’ve had loving sheep say to me, “Now pastor, didn’t you say…” I love it when friends preach my sermons back to me! This helps me more faithfully live what I preach.

4. They will help you follow the Lord. 

Pastors are sheep first, shepherds second. Always. We must remember that though we’re called to lead the Lord’s people, we’re also one of his people. One of our great temptations is to get so caught up in pastoring that we forget we’re sheep in need of care. Fellow church members help us remember this.

Just yesterday, I had coffee with a brother who faithfully serves in our church. We’re in similar life stages, face similar family challenges and undergo similar work pressures. We both left our meeting refreshed and encouraged to keep trusting the Lord.

I’m encouraged by my fellow elders as well, but they aren’t the only ones I can learn from. Fellow church members allow me into their lives and from them I learn how to be a more faithful father, husband, financial steward, educator, citizen and more. Pastors aren’t supposed to be experts on everything, and we can always learn from anyone who has the Holy Spirit.

5. They might end up being pastors. 

I took a moment and wrote out a list of half dozen men that are serving as pastors today. What makes these men unique is that my relationship with each of these men began as a normal discipling relationship. One was an oil field worker, another was a physical therapist, another was a salesman, and so on. These were “normal” men with “normal” jobs who just wanted to grow in their relationship with Jesus.

But God used the time, attention and focused Word ministry to mature them and make clear their calling as a pastor. One of the ways God trains up pastors is by taking men who never thought they’d be pastors and giving them this desire. We’ll remember that Samuel thought he knew who God’s anointed was, but the Lord told him, “Do not look on his appearance…for the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Be faithful with faithful brothers, and you just might be surprised by what the Lord does with some of them.

This was originally published on 9marks.org and is reprinted by permission.

Why Your Church Needs More Gray Hair

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In Titus 2:2, Paul writes to Titus about the older men in his congregation:

“Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love and in steadfastness.” –Titus 2:2

These older men are not to be confused with those who hold the office of elder (cf. 1:5). The “older men” are those who literally have advanced age. Paul says that these men must have several exemplary characteristics.

“Sober-minded” translates a term that means “very moderate in the drinking of an alcoholic beverage” (BDAG). Its figurative extension here means “be free fr. every form of mental and spiritual ‘drunkenness’, fr. excess, passion, rashness, confusion” (BDAG). It is a call to be “restrained in conduct, self-controlled, level-headed” (BDAG).

“Dignified” means “worthy of respect/honor, noble, dignified, serious” (BDAG). The dignified person is so self-possessed and in control of his temper and fears that he elicits admiration from those who know him.

“Self-controlled” indicates someone who is “thoughtful, self-controlled” (BDAG). In Aristotle’s ethics, the term indicates “avoidance of extremes and careful consideration for responsible action” (Aristot., EN 3, 15; BDAG). For Aristotle, the “self-controlled” person “is intent on the what, the how and the when of doing what should be done.”

“Sound” means to be “healthy” or free from sickness. The figurative extension of that meaning here is “correct” or free from error. So “sound” in faith, love and endurance means that older men have to believe in the right way, love in the right way and endure in the right way.

In sum, Paul says that older men must be those who do not panic in the face of a challenge. They do not get angry when provoked. They do not fear in the face of a threat. The older men are to be as solid as an oak. They are to be the kind of men to whom people look when something is broken and no one knows how to fix it. They are the kind of men who are sought out for their wisdom and ability to speak truth into very difficult situations.

They are exemplary in faith and in love for wife and children and church and neighbor. They face trials with perseverance and courage. They are the kind of men that you want your son to grow up and be like.

Churches desperately need their older men to exemplify being sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love and in steadfastness. Churches need an army of laymen who believe well, love well and suffer well. And churches need them because these older men are the pace-setters for the rest of the church. It is not an accident that Paul begins with the older men. He begins with them because he intends for the old guys to be leading out in these things in the church and in their homes.

Proverbs 20:29 says that “The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.” This verse means that young men are not noted for their great and profound wisdom into life. The main contribution of young men is their ability to serve others with their physical strength and vigor. That means that the young men ought to be trying to out-serve one another in ways that involve their physical ability. When someone needs help moving, they show up. When there is a workday at the church, the young men need to be there with their able-bodied eagerness.

But as the years accumulate, strength diminishes. And as strength diminishes, guess what begins to accumulate? Experience and wisdom. And gray hair represents the accumulation of wisdom and sensibleness about life and about what needs to be done. And this is an old man’s splendor and contribution to his neighbor. And it is supposed to be his contribution to the body of Christ. The church needs her older men to be what God has called them to be. They should live life in such a way that evokes admiration and respect. They do not need to be great orators. They do not need to write books on theology. They simply need to be godly. They need to be able to pour themselves out to their family and others who need their steadiness and wisdom.

The world’s point of view on the relationship between gray hair and wisdom is upside down. The world absolutely idolizes youth. So much so that the order of the day is to suppress the appearance of age—to try to stay and look as young as you can for as long as you can because the essence of the good life is for those who are youthful, vigorous and beautiful. And the world caters to the tastes and opinions of the young because they are the most coveted consumer demographic.

The world puts the old people on the shelf and the young people on the podium. But it really should be the other way around. Every believer should aspire to the crown of splendor—to the honor that is due to those who have learned to live well and faithfully to what God has called them. So this word to the old, therefore, is a word to all of us.

This article originally appeared here.

Why Pastors Don’t Evangelize

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Evangelism is a central task of the Great Commission (Matt. 28:18-20), but many churches don’t do well at this task. In fact, many pastors don’t evangelize much either. As a pastor, I know that struggle. Here are some reasons why we don’t evangelize, and then some reasons why we must kick start our evangelistic efforts.

Why We Don’t Evangelize Much

  1. We get cocooned in the church world. All of our world is wrapped up with believers, and it’s tough to reach nonbelievers when you don’t know any.
  2. We spend much of our time dealing with dysfunctional church members. That’s part of our job, of course, but we get imbalanced toward those members.
  3. We think that pulpit evangelism is enough. After all, we share the gospel every week, right? And we talk to seekers who come to us after our sermons.
  4. For some, we’ve never been natural evangelists. Our giftedness lies elsewhere, and that’s where we put our attention.
  5. We simply don’t think much about it. This one’s hard to admit, but I think it’s true. We might occasionally talk about evangelism, but it’s not part of our DNA. Sometimes, it takes a post like this one to turn our heart in the right direction.

Why We Must Evangelize More

  1. People are still lost and headed for hell. I know that’s “preachy,” but it’s accurate. Our communities are dying without Jesus.
  2. We have to set the example. That’s part of our role as an undershepherd. We are to model Christian living for those we lead.
  3. Our church will be no more evangelistic than we are. In all my years of studying churches, I’ve never seen a congregation that outpaces its pastor in evangelism. Much of the blame lies with us if our churches aren’t evangelistic.
  4. The power of God rests more on us when we’re evangelizing. Not evangelizing is simply disobedience, and that sin robs us of God’s power. On the other hand, God empowers us more to do His work—including when we step into the pulpit—if we’ve been obedient in this task.
  5. It reminds us of why we were called in the first place. God called us to proclaim the good news to a lost world. That means He called us to an eternal task—not just to the day-to-day routine things of ministry.

If you want to start doing more evangelism, you might begin by checking out the posts “11 Characteristics of Evangelistic Pastors” and “10 Ways to Jumpstart Your Personal Evangelism.”

This article originally appeared here.

Seven Shepherding Questions for Leaders (Part 1)

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As pastors, we are called to shepherd the people we lead. In fact, even if you’re not a pastor, there’s a shepherding element to your leadership. Imagine the impact you could have on the people you lead if you didn’t just lead them, but you pastored them. Sound strange, even impossible? The apostle Peter said:

“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor” (1 Peter 5:2-4, NLT).

Peter painted a picture of the the shepherding role of leaders. So, what does it mean to shepherd—or care for—the flock that God has entrusted to you, and how do you maintain this role as the church (or your organization) grows?

Two Faces of Shepherding: Noticing and Developing

There are two faces to shepherding the people you lead: Noticing and Developing. Noticing focuses on the compassionate side of shepherding. It’s the side of leading that demonstrates care, empathy and emotional intelligence. The old saying “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” captures the noticing side of shepherding.

Developing focuses on the leadership side of shepherding. It’s expressed through training, equipping and empowering leaders. It’s all about delegating and multiplying. A Developing mindset sees potential in the people you lead and entrusts them with greater leadership responsibility.

Both noticing and developing are critical to shepherding the people you lead. So, how do you cultivate a noticing/developing posture as a leader? It begins with seven questions (I’ll cover the first four in this article, and the final three in my next article).

Four Ways to Shepherd Through Noticing

1. Who’s New…that I should meet?

1 Timothy 3 provides a thorough list of qualities that leaders ought to possess. Words like “self-controlled” and “respectable” make the list. Phrases like “above reproach,” “not given to drunkenness,” “not a lover of money” (and others) all describe the life of a person that is worthy to lead.

But buried in this comprehensive picture of leadership is one quality that is often overlooked in leadership circles: hospitable. 1 Timothy 3:2 says, “Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable…”

Hospitality isn’t just a “good friend” quality. Each person we interact with should be greeted with a friendly and welcoming attitude. Without hospitality, you’ll never shepherd your team—or the new people you meet in your church or organization. That’s why it’s important to ask the first shepherding question: “Who’s new…that I should meet?”

That question will help you notice the person on the fringe, and widen your net to welcome the outsider. Jesus was a master at this. While the religious leaders of His day were coddling insiders, Jesus noticed the outsiders. Today, even if you’re not a naturally outgoing person, you can still be friendly and hospitable. Who’s new that you need to meet?

2. Who’s Missing…that I should call?

Proximity makes a difference in shepherding. When we ask the shepherding question “Who’s missing…that I should call?” we take a fresh step toward proximity, helping us connect personally with the people we lead. Jesus said:

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? (Matthew 18:12, NLT).

Jesus valued the missing sheep. In fact, he said we should “search” for the lost sheep. Searching begins by noticing. As leaders we have to train ourselves to look for the lost and to notice when somebody is missing.

Truthfully, this isn’t possible for one pastor or one leader. The need is simply too great and the number is too large. We have to develop teams of “noticers” who can stay connected in smaller environments. The larger a church or organization grows, the more critical these “noticers” will be.

3. Who’s Hurting…that I should encourage?

The longer I pastor the more I realize how much people are hurting. Whether it’s physically, relationally, financially or emotionally, pain shows up every Sunday at church and every Monday in the workplace, masked by fake smiles. As pastors and leaders, what would happen if we asked the third shepherding question: “Who’s hurting…that I should encourage?”

The apostle Paul painted a pretty stark picture of how we should respond when our brother, sister or a member of our team is hurting. He writes:

“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important (Galatians 6:2-3, NLT).

How many times in leadership are we so busy that we don’t have time to help someone, or we feel too important to step down from our pedestal to serve somebody in need? I know I’m guilty. Paul’s words are a humbling indictment: “You are not that important.” Later he said, “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NLT). Who’s hurting that you should shepherd with an encouraging word?

4. Who’s Serving…that I should thank?

There are three ways people serve in the local church: time, money and prayer. Some people volunteer their time, serving faithfully to make ministry happen. Others serve through sacrificial giving, investing their resources in Kingdom-advancing ministry. Still others serve by praying relentlessly for God to bring extraordinary transformation in lives. The question is, do you notice them?

Regardless of how people serve, ALL of them need to be thanked. How easy it is to forget that we wouldn’t be where we are without the people that serve alongside of us. Notice the team serving with you. Ask the fourth shepherding question: “Who’s serving…that I should thank?” Grateful shepherds express thanks to those who make what they do possible.

In his letter to the church in Ephesus the apostle Paul said, “Ever since I first heard of your strong faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for God’s people everywhere, I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly” (Ephesians 1:15-16). Paul thanked God, and his letter delivered that thanks to the Ephesians. As a shepherding leader, look around at the people who faithfully serve. Who are they? How can you thank them today?

Who’s new that I should meet? Who’s missing that I should call? Who’s hurting that I should encourage? Who’s serving that I should thank? Four shepherding questions that say, “I notice you.” In my next article, I’ll share three more shepherding questions designed to develop the people you lead.

This article originally appeared here.

5 Deadly Viruses That Can Destroy Your Children’s Ministry

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The year was 2000. If this happened to you, I’m sure you remember it. You got an email that simply said “I love you” in the subject line. Curious, you opened it and bam! Your computer was attacked by malware that was downloaded on your click. The virus overwrote your system files and spread itself over and over and over. At the time, Guinness World Record named it the most “virulent” computer virus of all time.

Since then there have been a number of viruses that have been unleashed to destroy people’s business and personal information. Some of the most infamous ones were MyDoom in 2004 with losses of $38 billion, Storm Worm in 2006 with losses still being calculated, Slammer with losses of $1 billion and Sasser & Netsky with losses of $38 billion.

CryptoLocker is the most recent virus and is a new strand called ransomeware. Ransomware is a virus that takes your files hostage. Released in 2013, CryptoLocker is spread through email attachments and encrypts the user’s files so they can’t access them. The hackers then send a decryption key in return for a sum of money. If you don’t pay up, you can lose all your files. In one month, the virus had over 500,000 victims and cost over $30 million dollars in losses.

Just as there are viruses that can hijack and destroy your computer, there are viruses that can destroy your children’s ministry. It’s important to watch for signs of them and know how to protect the ministry. Let’s take a look at five of the deadliest ones and how to prevent them.

DISUNITY 
The disunity virus can destroy your children’s ministry if left unchecked. It spreads through backbiting, competing visions, lack of communication, ministry silos and not following core values.

Unity doesn’t happen by accident. You have to fight for it. Protect it. Work for it. This means everyone being committed to a common vision that is empowered by a set of core values that everyone embraces and lives out. Unity doesn’t mean complete agreement on everything. But it does mean when there is a disagreement, the two parties talk it out face-to-face and stack hands before walking out of the room.

COMPLACENCY
This virus works by lulling your ministry into a spiritual stupor. You lose your passion for reaching kids and families for Christ. You become comfortable with mediocrity. The baptistry being dry for weeks on end doesn’t bother you. The status quo is okay. Lukewarm is the temperature the ministries’ thermometer is set on. The light in the prayer closet is seldom on. The Bible is read by duty rather than by delight. Lack of growth is never questioned.

Complacency enters the ministry through complacent leaders. Everything rises and falls on leadership. Leaders must be a thermostat that set the spiritual temperature rather than a thermometer that just measures the temperature. Refuse to rest on your laurels. Refuse to accept the status quo. Get with God and get a fresh vision and passion for the ministry. Set some new goals that you’ll have to go outside of your comfort zone to reach.

HISTORY
This virus keeps you focused on the past to the point that it hinders you from moving forward. You know it’s present when you hear words like “we’ve never done it that way before” or “that program was started by Sister Johnson in 1968 and we can’t change it” or “people might not like it if we changed that.”

The past history of a children’s ministry is to be honored but it cannot set the agenda for the future. Every year, you’ve got to evaluate and take a hard look at each part of your ministry. Is it still effective? Is it helping us reach people? Is it still relevant?

BUSYNESS WITHOUT PRODUCTIVITY
This virus sneaks in and fills up your ministry calendar with lots of events, programs and other ministry happenings. It is sneaky in the fact that it makes the ministry very busy, but a closer look reveals there is not much productivity. Countless events are held, but very few families are reached. Volunteers, resources and program funding is stretched thin. The ministry becomes like a merry go round. Lots of noise and movement, but just going around in circles.

This virus can be prevented by carefully guarding your ministry calendar. Remember, less is more. Focus your volunteers, resources and program funding on a few things you can do well. You can stop this virus with one little, but powerful word: NO. Remember, what you say no to is just as important as what you say yes to. Sometimes you have to say no to something good so something great can happen.

NEGATIVITY
You know this virus is trying to get in when you begin hearing words like “can’t” or “we already tried something like that and it didn’t work” or “we’re too small to do that” or “that’s a bad idea” or “what if we fail?” The negativity virus is usually spread by a few Debbie Downers who see life through a negative lens and want everyone else to wallow in their misery with them.

You can combat this virus by perpetuating a “I can do all things through Christ” attitude. Surround yourself with positive people. Place positive people in leadership. If you have a few people that are extremely negative, meet with them individually and let them know they are welcome to share their thoughts but they should come to you directly rather than talking sideways. If you determine someone’s negativity is starting to infect the entire team, it may mean asking them to step out of their role on the team.

You can also combat this virus by consistently sharing the praise reports and stories of how God is at work. When people see lives being changed and spiritual fruit happening, it will help overcome negativity.

Are any of these viruses trying to make their way into your children’s ministry? Is disunity trying to divide the ministry? Is complacency trying to pour cold water on your fire? Is dwelling on the past hindering the future of the ministry? Is the ministry busy, but not productive? Is negativity trying to hurt the ministry?

Expel these viruses. Don’t let them stop the ministry from fulfilling God’s calling and plan.

This article originally appeared here.

Can You Be Too Creative for Your Own Good?

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I’m a big advocate for creativity and creative people. In fact, I’ve written an ebook on the subject, and I’ve taught it to teams around the world. But occasionally, I find creative people who use their creativity like a weapon to undermine projects, become control freaks or play to their laziness. Here’s what I mean:

It happens when creative people think creativity is the only issue. But no matter how creative a product, idea or project is, if it can’t be delivered on time, it will fail. Plus, no matter how creative the idea, if you can’t get along with other members of your team, it will never be completed.

Creativity is incredibly important, but if it doesn’t have a strategy to be used correctly, it will never reach the right audience and make an impact.

I spoke to a book agent recently who told me about a writer he represented. The writer was a bestselling, incredibly talented author. But because he treated his editors with contempt and his publishers with scorn, nobody wanted to work with him. In spite of his gigantic sales, he’d been through nine publishers, and his current project will probably never be read.

A few years ago, I worked with a very contemporary church who had one of the most creative television teams in the country. They really did amazing work on a weekly TV program produced by the church. The problem? They weren’t willing to adapt their creativity so the programming would get a better response. They weren’t willing to consider fundraising, promotional or other response techniques. As a result, the program, which was otherwise amazing, never gained support. Because the video team wanted to have fun and be wildly creative, the program eventually crashed and today just limps along in a few markets.

The bottom line is—creativity is a powerful God-given gift—but it’s also an amazing tool. That’s why the best creative writers, directors and producers know how to embrace techniques that create powerful advertising, massive film releases and win international awards.

Be wildly creative. But unless your work impacts an audience, you’ll fail.

This article originally appeared here.

5 Reasons Church Members Attend Church Less Frequently

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About 20 years ago, a church member was considered active in the church if he or she attended three times a week.

Today, a church member is considered active in the church if he or she attends three times a month.

Something is wrong with this picture. For 2,000 years, the local church, as messy as it is, has been God’s place for believers to gather, worship, minister and be accountable to one another.

And every time I write something about church membership and attendance, I inevitably hear cries of “legalism” or “the church is not a building” or “the church is a messed up institution.”

But the local church, the messy local church, is what God has used as His primary instrument to make disciples. But commitment is waning among many church members.

Why?

  1. We are minimizing the importance of the local church. When we do, we are less likely to attend. A few drops of rain may keep many folks from attending church, but it won’t stop them from sitting three hours in the downpour watching their favorite football team.
  2. We worship the idols of activities. Many members will replace a day in their church with a day at kids’ soccer or softball games or sleeping off the hangover of the previous day’s activities.
  3. We take a lot of vacations from church. I am not anti-vacation. But 20 years or so ago, we would make certain we attended a church where we were taking a vacation. Today, many members take a vacation from church.
  4. We do not have high expectations of our members. Any purposeful organization expects and gets much of it members, whether it’s a sports team or a civic organization. It is ironic that most churches do not come close to being a high expectation church.
  5. We make infrequent attendees leaders in our churches. When we do, we are making a clear statement that even the leaders of the church do not have to be committed to the place they supposedly lead.

I heard a leader of an organization tell the members he did not want them if they were not fully committed. They could not be AWOL if they wanted to be a part of the group. He expected full commitment.

He is a high school football coach. And all the team members follow that high expectation of commitment.

If we truly expect to make a difference in our communities and our families, members of local churches need to have at least the same level of commitment as members of sports teams.

After all, the mission of each local church is far more important.

At least it should be.

This article originally appeared here.

How to Show Love to Abusive Leaders

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I’m generally not a fan of leadership conferences. While a lot of people really dig these sorts of events, they tend to not be my thing, either because they’re frustratingly free of mentions of Jesus, or they’re not terribly applicable for guys like me who don’t lead from the top.

This weekend one caught my eye, though. But it wasn’t because I was super-excited about the theme or anything like that. In fact, I had no idea it even existed until I learned of a surprise speaker delivering a message to the pastors in attendance. What caught my attention was this particular speaker was one who apparently remains unrepentant over a laundry list of misdeeds, including plagiarism, a domineering attitude and frequent use of abusive language.

That a church would grant an apparently unrepentant individual a position of authority—even as temporary a one as a conference speaker—is disturbing. And yet, for some reason, it’s altogether unsurprising.

And this, I think, is what terrified me the most.

I wasn’t surprised.

Unfortunately, it seems to be all-too-common for Christians to allow those who have no business doing so—at least not according to any reasonable reading of 1 Timothy 3 this weekend, as Paul, dripping with sarcasm, continues a full-frontal assault on the false teachers who’d lead this confused group of believers astray.

Thinking back on the message, and re-reading the passage, I was particularly struck by verses 19-21:

For you gladly bear with fools, being wise yourselves! For you bear it if someone makes slaves of you, or devours you, or takes advantage of you, or puts on airs, or strikes you in the face. To my shame, I must say, we were too weak for that!

Does anyone else wince even a little when reading this?

Think about the people we listen to via podcasts and the blogs we frequent. Consider the Twitter feeds we follow and the books collecting dust on our shelves. Sadly, I suspect there are many names included there whose conduct would line up far more with what Paul describes than with that of an actual minister of the Word. People who take advantage and make slaves of us. People who put on airs—who have the appearance of godliness, but none of its power. Fakers, maligners of God’s word, if not in their words, then certainly in their conduct.

And what does Paul do here? He lovingly confronts the Corinthians with the deception. He is asking them, “Why do you put up with this evil? Why do you allow it to be done to you? Why do you welcome with open arms what ought to be purged from among you?”

Sometimes I wonder what Paul would say to us:

  • Would he rebuke us for allowing disqualified men to continue to speak and lead and have influence in the church?
  • Would he shudder to think that self-appointed men were taking on burdens for which they were not called nor gifted to bear?
  • Would he ask us why we would give cover for those who have abused God’s people for their own ends?

These are questions we need to be asking, whether we worship in healthy churches or (God forbid) in ones characterized by the behaviors Paul suggests in 2 Corinthians 11. And yet, it seems as though we are not.

Why?

Perhaps it’s because we are afraid to find out the answer. We value the gifts this or that person has, their sense of humor, their rhetorical flair… Yet, if their lives reveal them to be liars, or at a minimum those who do not practice what they preach, what business do they have being allowed to teach or influence anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances?

And worse, what does it say to those who suffer when we give them cover?

Does it reveal us to be people who are concerned with compassion and justice? Does it show us to be people concerned with the plight of the oppressed, the weary and those burdened by many sins?

We tolerate Jezebel, even as her victims cry out for justice.

Friends, this should never be.

The church is to be a place of great love and affection—for both perpetrators and victims of abuse. But how we express our love for the former is drastically different from how we do for the latter. When it comes to these phonies, we must acknowledge them for what they are: peddlers of God’s word. If a Christian leader refuses to acknowledge their sin, if they attempt to plead Jesus so as to exempt themselves from the need to ask forgiveness—we show love by saying “no.” We must not allow them a place to be heard until their business with Jesus and with those they have wronged has been dealt with. Only then can they be welcomed back as a brother or sister in Christ.

Just as we must never tolerate abusive behavior by a parent or a spouse—just as such evil should never be named among us—so too must evil of this sort never be allowed to gain a foothold. After all, an unrepentant Christian is no Christian at all. We know this is true, and it is well past time that we started acting like it.

This article originally appeared here.

The Danger of Relational Youth Ministry

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A focus on relational youth ministry…

1. Gives students access to a non-parental, committed adult who cares for and loves them.

Moses realized (in Deut. 6) that God chose the family and the faith community as the two entities through which He would tell His story to the next generation.

2. Gives students a place to share but gives leaders a more realistic picture of the mindset of today’s students.

Relational youth ministry makes leaders aware of the day-to-day life of a teen; things like: suffering caused by deep emotional wounds, neglectful parenting, faith questions, broken friendships and poor self-identity. Bottom line, today’s student bears a lot of pain and brokenness.

When relational youth ministry is done right, students will begin to share their deep dark secrets they haven’t told anyone else.

The beauty about relational youth ministry

is that it gives student a place to share. The danger is not having a procedure-plan-policy in place when a student shares some dark stuff and needs professional help. What do we do with the pain, abuse, sufferings and hurt that students share? It is problematic when a student shares hurt to a youth worker, and the youth worker neglects to get the help the student may need. One of the aims of youth ministry is to help kids become healthy, Jesus-following adults.

Are our youth ministries prepared when a student shares their deep dark secret? When does a youth worker refer to a licensed counselor? How does a youth worker not destroy the relationship with the student but get the student the help he/she needs?

I had to learn my “procedure” on the fly. For some odd reason, the students I talked with always went deep real fast. They told me about rape, stealing, assault, sexual abuse, death, physical abuse, suicide, disease, doubt, drug addictions, drug selling, abortions and pregnancies. It was almost like they were testing me by saying: OK…if I tell you this heavy dark stuff, what will you do about it? Will you be like every other adult and just say it is OK and to deal with it or will you actually get me help?

I am convinced that when we do relational youth ministry we have to be prepared to help the hurting student. We just cannot get sloppy.

Based off of my experience, here are some things to think about when a student shares a hurt:

Assessment:

In the assessment period, you have to discern the seriousness of the hurt. There are two ways to discern the hurt:

(1)  Look for anger. If there is anger and a fairly serious situation, refer the student/family to a licensed Christian therapist. Referring them to a “licensed” professional is really important. Be intentional to network with profession Christian counselors that you can trust so you can refer students and families to them. If the situation is more drama and no one is getting hurt, give them some tools and book to read, aka the Bible!

(2)  Look for The 3 HURTS: When a student shares their emotional stuff be on the lookout for the 3 HURTS. If any of these three hurts show up, refer to a counselor.

(a)  ”I am hurting myself” i.e., Cutting, suicide attempts

(b)  ”I have been hurt.” i.e., any type of abuse (emotional, sexual or physical)

(c)  ”I am hurting someone else.” i.e., violent rages and anger manifestations

Tell the parents ASAP:  

It is wise to get the parents involved as soon as possible. When mom and dad get involved, they can help support and love their student while getting them the help they need. Typically this is where the student gets really mad at you. They will cuss you out, call you a liar and they will say they will never telling you anything ever again. Remember…the goal is to get hurting students healthy. I would always give the student the opportunity to tell their parents first—with a clear deadline. If they didn’t tell by the deadline, then I would tell. This way you give an opportunity for the student to first confess to the parents so the parents wouldn’t have to hear the “news” from the youth pastor.

No confidentially policy:

The best fit for today’s students is clearly stating up front that if they tell you they are hurting themselves, others, or if someone is hurting them, then you have to tell someone, aka their parents, and refer them to a professional. Try to say this message from the stage when you are speaking and when you are meeting with students. They need to know your NO CONFIDENTIALITY POLICY before they start telling you their dark secrets.

Youth workers are NOT trained to do professional counseling like Dr. Phil.

Not only are youth pastors not qualified, but the role of the youth pastor is not to be the resident professional counselor. My policy was never to see a family or student more than two times. Leave that for the professionals. Students are not looking for adults to have all the answers, rather they are looking for an adult with a caring ear as they navigate their adolescent journey. I always sought out great Christian counselors in the community whom I respected and trusted, so when I referred I knew who exactly I was referring to. Plus the church always paid for the first two counseling visits. The key is to pay for the first few visits so the family or student doesn’t have any reason not to get the help they need. Don’t waste your time doing all the counseling.

Prayer:

The Holy Spirit is the counselor, not you. When meeting with students always point them back to Jesus. God is qualified to transform and clean hearts so give Him room to do what He does best.

Books that can help:

Two of my favorite books that have greatly helped me in my youth ministry counseling are:

The Comprehensive Guide to Youth Ministry Counseling

The Youth Worker’s Guide to Helping Teens in Crisis

What is your youth ministry procedure when a student shares their deep dark secret? How do you deal with the deep-hurting pain that students confess?

Do you have a list of trusted licensed Christian counselors?

What else would you suggest to do or think about when a student shares a hurt?

7 Ways to Preach Boring Sermons (Please Don’t Do These)

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Anyone can get up in front of a congregation and deliver a killer sermon, right?

Not exactly. If you’re a pastor or leader who has to get up in front of your people week in and week out to try to deliver God’s word in a creative and clear way, I got mad props for you.

While I appreciate those of you who do this, there are still so many of us who struggle to create interesting sermons on the regular. Like it or not, we live in a media saturated world. The constant bombardment of media has turned us into impatient and highly expectant people. The entertainment industry continues to step up their game and people expect us to be on point with our communication.

Below are several ways you can bore your congregation, small group or ministry to death. Hopefully, you can avoid these in the future and begin to wow people with your sermons!

1 – Read From Your Slides

Want to really bore your audience? Turn your back on them and read from the PowerPoint slides on the screen. After all, your congregation probably can’t read anyway?

2 – Make an Unbearably Long Introduction

Nothing screams “Get me out of here” like hearing your pastor speak for 20 minutes and then say…“OK, lets get into the message.”

3 – Read Too Much Scripture

Read too much scripture? Is that a real thing? I’m glad you asked. If you want to read the first five chapters of who begat who, go for it. Don’t make your audience sit there and listen to it. Use key verses to fit the story. Unless you want everyone to start thinking about their lunch plans, please don’t read chapters at a time!

4 – Keep Your Voice Exactly the Same

You just might be the smartest person in the room, that doesn’t mean people don’t want to feel your excitement. Want people to disconnect from what you’re saying? Keep your volume and disposition at the exact same level.

5 – Make It Complicated

People will remember your 86 bullet points, right?

6 – Avoid Humor at All Costs

This is church. There is no place for jokes and funny business. Make the sermon experience a little more painful for your audience by never…I mean never never…making them laugh.

7 – Don’t Be on Time

People in your community have absolutely nothing to do. People never work on Sundays. That clock in the back of the auditorium is simply there as a reference point. If you’re looking to turn the audience against you, forget your time limit and ask them to stay for just 30 more minutes. If they love Jesus, they will!

This article originally appeared here.

Why Your Church Should Have at Least 2 Services Each Sunday

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“The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.” – Jesus (Luke 10:2)

It is a fact that doing one service every Sunday is easier than doing two. There are a lot of complexities involved in duplicating your ministry and eking out how to execute across multiple services in a day. However, prevailing churches make a conscious choice to offer multiple services every Sunday to their community. Why?

One of the common traits of growing churches is that they all have at least two services on a Sunday if not many more. It is so common that it makes it easy to overlook that one of the dividing lines between churches which make an impact and which don’t is the number of services they offer on a weekend. Typically, churches with a greater impact have multiple services while churches on the decline have just one.

Why is this the case? Below are five reasons why prevailing churches choose to have multiple services every weekend. If your church hasn’t made the jump, these are some of the reasons you should!

• Attend One | Serve One – At the core of all the churches which make an impact are thriving volunteer leaders fired up to make an impact in their city. Prevailing church leaders constantly look for ways to inculcate more people into a service rather than trying to figure out how to do a service with as few people as possible. When you have multiple services on a Sunday morning, it gives your volunteers the opportunity to attend both the services as well as serve during another time slot. This removes a major barrier that people have to volunteer at a church with only a single service on a Sunday morning. It also has a reverse effect by communicating to volunteers that they are valued as a member of the church.

• Multiplication Instinct – Healthy things grow and multiply. Multiplying your services in the same location is a step toward further multiplication down the road. Some church leaders resist adding new services because they feel overwhelmed with the task of finding new volunteers. However, recruiting and training new team members is at the core of what a church should do in order to make an impact in their community. Of course it’s not easy, but it is healthy and necessary for the life of the church by motivating a group of people to be committed to the life of the church. By not adding more services on a Sunday morning, one is limiting the opportunities for people in your church to join in the life of the church. When services are not added to the church, there is a decline in the growth opportunities for those attending the church!

• An Honest Reason – Can we keep it real for a second? We all say that every service we do is done with excellence and care. However, typically the first service on any given weekend has a few kinks to be worked out. This applies to your church as well as the largest “brand name churches” in the country. I attended the first service of a “super mega large church” recently and it was obvious that the band’s lead singer did not know the lyrics to the opening song. Having multiple services gives you the opportunity to work out some of the kinks before guests arrive for later services. In an ideal world, these problems are solved in the rehearsal itself, but sometimes they are not. There is something about the intensity of the guests actually being in the room which gives us a heightened sense of clarity about how the services should roll out. Having only one service every Sunday results in a service which is not 100 percent perfect. I wish that wasn’t true…but it is.

• More Options – People’s lives are complex and difficult; therefore, it is not possible for everyone to attend the single service at a certain time in your church. If the timings are moved around even by an hour, more people in the community might be available to be a part of the good things happening in the church. By sticking with only one service time, you are adding a limitation on the time people can connect with your church. In an era of “on demand” everything, it appears to be a total disconnect to not offer more options for those willing to connect with your church. I have seen this work successfully when a church adds new service times and they grow as they open up new times for people which they can actually attend.

• It’s Not About Us – When you listen carefully to what we say when we stay with just one service in our churches it usually is about some form of selfishness. We’re smart enough to not articulate it in those terms plainly, but when you carefully try to understand what the people who want to stay with one service mean is that they would rather not put in the extra time, effort and energy into making a second (or third!) service a reality. This is a dead end for your church and your leadership. God wants to bless those churches which aren’t inward focused. Pushing through the pain of multiplication is at the core of expressing to people that it is all about the people we’re trying to connect with. The aim of adding an additional service is to reach new people rather than keep the people who are already with us. The essence is selfless and I believe that’s a part of what God uses in the community in order to draw more people toward Himself!

This article originally appeared here.

Pastors, We Could Be a LITTLE More Professional

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John Piper’s Brothers, We Are Not Professionals is one of the books that pastors in the Western world would do well to read annually. In that work, Piper puts his finger on the gaping wound of a corporate mindset that has plagued the church in North America for far too long. At the outset Piper explains why we should reject the professionalizing of ministry:

“We pastors are being killed by the professionalizing of the pastoral ministry. The mentality of the professional is not the mentality of the prophet. It is not the mentality of the slave of Christ. Professionalism has nothing to do with the essence and heart of the Christian ministry. The more professional we long to be, the more spiritual death we will leave in our wake. For there is no professional childlikeness (Matt. 18:3); there is no professional tenderheartedness (Eph. 4:32); there is no professional panting after God (Ps. 42:1).”

The problem of professionalism in ministry is endemic to those living under the influence of the American dream—in a business and marketing driven society where money rather than Christ is King. We must resist the temptation to believe that the church is a business in light of the insistence that there are organizational and financial aspects to the church. The church does not sell products. The minister is not a business man. The minister is a servant of Christ called to be His ambassador in a world that has turned its back on Him. The professionalizing of ministry in the church is the bane of the church’s existence in whatever shape or form it may take.

Nevertheless, I have often thought that a complementary volume—bearing the title, Brothers, We Could Be a Little More Professional—might be in order for some. After all, there is proper use of the word professional (i.e., “to exercise mature competency and skillfulness in one’s vocation”) that should characterize the lives, preaching and pastoral care of ministers. All ministers should seek to be as professional as possible in those things in which God has called them. Here are a few areas that I have in mind:

1. Maturity in Life and Doctrine. The Apostle Paul charged Timothy with the following admonition: “Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Tim. 4:12). A mature minister will want to treat every part of his life and ministry with the utmost spiritual care. He will keep a serious watch over himself and his doctrine (1 tim. 4:16). He will strive to think, speak and act coram Deo. The Apostle Paul charged Timothy to “give heed to reading, exhortation, doctrine” (1 Tim. 4:13). Surely this is a call to be as professional as possible in our lives and in our study of God’s word and sound doctrine so that we might “rightly divide the word of truth” (1 Tim. 2:15).

2. Skillfulness in Leading and Preaching in Worship. There are many in the church who dismiss the need for the minister of the word to be polished in his speech and delivery. While we never want to trust in eloquence or rhetoric to accomplish what the Spirit of Christ alone accomplishes through the pure preaching of the word and Gospel (1 Cor. 2:1-2), we should strive to do away with anything in our speech that distracts the hearers from receiving what is being preached. The same is true of what is said during the other parts of the service. It is the responsibility of ministers of the Gospel to communicate the truths of God’s word in the call to worship, reading of the law, assurance of pardon, prayer of confession, pastoral prayer and Lord’s Supper as clearly and as persuasively as possible. Getting feedback from other ministers in the congregation on ways to improve in delivery and form can be a great blessing to a pastor who is seeking to grow in these areas. Additionally, all ministers should be reading homiletical volumes that give instruction on these things (e.g., see J.W. Alexander’s Thoughts on Preaching and R.L. Dabney’s Sacred Rhetoric).

3. Wisdom in Pastoral Counseling. Much good can come from pastoral counsel. Much harm can also be done by pastors seeking to give counsel. We must seek to become wise and careful counselors with regard to the spiritual care of the people of God. There is a need for us to be professional as counselors. This does not mean that there is to be the counseling desk/counselor chair paradigm. It means that ministers should be searching the Scriptures, reading counseling books and learning from seasoned pastors and counselors.

4. Care in Ministry Structure and Development. Whether the responsibility for the structuring and development of a variety of ministries in a local church falls to the elders, deacons or other members of the church, the church should give proper attention to such ministries as greeting, visitation, hospitality, music, outreach, finance, set-up, etc. We can err on one of two sides of the equation when considering the development and oversight of these ministries. On the one hand, we can overemphasize the organization and development of these ministries. One the other hand, we can underemphasize the need for thoughtful procedures and organizational structures of such ministries. In many cases, churches that are most vocal about their dependence on an ordinary means of grace ministry (i.e., a ministry rightly focused on the word, prayer, sacraments, etc.) often fall into the latter error. David Prince, in his post “Don’t Theologize or Spiritualize Ministry Mediocrity,” addresses the need for ministers to exercise great care in their oversight and knowledge of the various ministries in their churches. He writes:

If a pastor cannot explain how the church’s commitment to the Word and the gospel impacts how the church handles parking, greets visitors, does announcements, and so on, then that reflects a reductionistic and diminished view of the primacy of the Word. The result when this kind of diminished view of the primacy of the Word pervades the church, in the name of being Word-centered, is that the church often develops a self-righteous, holy-huddle, self-justifying theology, that attempts to spiritualize its own lack of passion to pervasively live out the Word. It often sounds something like this: “It is sad that so many rely on tricks and secondary matters in ministry. We do not care about that stuff here because we believe in the power of the Word.” In other words, the congregational narrative is that they are small and not growing because they are so faithfully committed to the Word. That could possibly be true, but it could also be because they are lazy, and their ministry lacks comprehensive commitment to live out the Word, in every nook and cranny of congregational life.

This is precisely what I mean when I speak of the need for pastors and churches to seek to be more professional.

There is a proper revulsion that we should have when we hear the word professional linked to the word ministry. However—as the saying goes—“we must not let the abuse of a thing negate its proper use.” There is a need for mature, thoughtful, wise, educated and skillful ministers in churches that are committed to the prayers, the pure preaching of the word of God, the right administration of the sacraments and church discipline. There is a dire need for ministers to seek to be professional in the things that build up the people of God, even as we reject that sort of professionalism that causes great spiritual harm to the church.

This article originally appeared here.

If We’re So Connected, Then Why Do I Still Feel So Lonely?

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We are living in the most connected time in history. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, Facetime…

Why is it we have an epidemic of loneliness coupled with a lack of vulnerability?

Depression, anxiety and stress are at all time highs.

We are desperate to be known, yet terrified of being discovered.

We are able to create a public face to be anyone we want to be.

This face is merely a cover story, not reality.

Loneliness, Isolation and Self-Pity are our companions.

We are not alone in this…and not without some biblical insight.

In 1 Kings 18, Elijah has the classic confrontation with the prophets of Baal. He challenges them to call down fire from heaven from their gods of wood and stone. When it is Elijah’s turn, he soaks his offering with barrels and barrels of precious water during a drought. God answers with fire from heaven, consuming the water and the sacrifice.

Now that is a story!

The next event shows his prediction that rain would come after several years of drought. Miracle number two!

This does not make the rulers of the day happy and they set out to kill Elijah in chapter 19. He must flee, even wishing for God to end his life. He ends up being supernaturally provided for. Miracle number three!

God then comes to him in a cave.

God comes with supernatural responses. He is not in the wind or the earthquake, rather it is with a quiet voice He speaks to Elijah.

“What are you doing here?”

Elijah says, “I have been very jealous for the Lord…and I even I only, am left and they seek my life to take it away.“

God answers him by telling him to anoint a new king of Syria and Israel as well as his replacement; Elisha.

  • He does not comfort him.
  • He does not reassure him that Jezebel will not kill him.
  • He does not give him another miracle to confirm he is alright.

Elijah is lonely, isolated and walking in self-pity.

This was immediately after a supernatural victory followed by multiple miracles.

Elijah shows us that external success in life or ministry does not equal inner health.

Instead, God reminds him of a few things:

  1. There are others – “Go anoint Elisha”—you are not alone. Later he speaks of 7,000 faithful followers of God (19:18). I don’t think a crowd of 7,000 qualifies as “I , only I, am left.”
  2.  Get your eyes off yourself – Go out and accomplish the next task. Break out of self-pity and get back in the game!
  3. There is a bigger picture and plan at work – Step out of isolation and see what God is doing.

Elijah felt alone when both Elisha and 7,000 faithful ones were around.

He had so isolated himself that in-spite of these incredible miracles, he essentially asked  God to “kill me now” (19:4).

Many of us are like Elijah.

We are so consumed with the circumstances immediately in front of us, we feel lonely and isolated in even the most connected society.

Isolation is not just hiding in a cave alone, it happens in the midst of a crowd and a calendar full of activities.

It is a lack of honest and real relationships in which we can be vulnerable.

It is having friends that know the real story, not just the one we post on social media.

Our ultra-connected society can actually push us toward isolation.

What ways do you isolate?

Is there someone who knows these signs? Who can speak with a still small voice and help pull you out of it?

This article originally appeared here.

Trust God’s Heart When You Can’t Trace His Hand

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Trust God’s heart when you cannot trace God’s hand.

Have you ever heard this statement before? Have you ever said it before? What does it mean in terms of real-world faith?

Job can help us answer these questions.

As he suffered, Job complained against God: “Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him” (Job 23:8-9). Job’s complaint was not about his sufferings. His complaint was that he could not seem to find God in his sufferings. Wherever he turned, God was not there. He could not find God. God was not present to comfort, explain or vindicate.

As Job complained, however, his confidence in God did not waver. Although he could not seem to find God, Job testified, “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold” (Job 23:10). Job trusted God’s heart, even when he could not trace God’s hand.

With stubborn trust in God, Job described the severe trial he did not understand with spiritual insight.

A Spiritual Journey

Job declared, “But he knows the way that I take” (Job 23:10). Job described his painful experience as a “way,” a path leading to a destination. Job was not in a ditch, or grave. He was on a spiritual journey. His present location was a dark valley, but it was not the final destination. Job was on his way somewhere. His sufferings were a means to an end.

Job was on his way somewhere. He could not understand the path or see the destination. But Job was confident that he was not on this journey alone. “He knows the way that I take,” Job insisted. Job may not have known where God was, but God knew where Job was. Moreover, God was watching over the way that he took. And God is watching over you as you follow The Lord Christ on this adventure of faith.

A Spiritual Examination

Job described himself as being on a spiritual journey. He also pictured his sufferings as a spiritual examination: “When he has tried me, I shall come out as gold” (Job 23:10). In the ancient world, there was a simple way to determine if an item was legitimate or counterfeit. Throw it into the fire. If the article survived the furnace, you knew it was real. If not…

God commended Job to Satan as the “real deal,” as it related to his faith in God, obedience to God, and worship of God. To prove Job, God permitted Satan to place Job in a furnace of suffering. But this trial by fire would not last forever. God had his hand on the dial and his eye on the clock. Job’s troubles would not last always. The spiritual examination was designed to purify Job, not destroy him. And when he had been tried, he would come out as gold. You will too, if you maintain confidence in God when you don’t understand what he is doing in your life.

This article originally appeared here.

29 Christians in Egypt Killed by Gunmen on their Way to Worship

Egypt Coptic Christians
This image released by the Minya governorate media office shows bodies of victims killed when gunmen stormed a bus in Minya, Egypt, Friday, May 26, 2017. Egyptian officials say dozens of people were killed and wounded in an attack by masked militants on a bus carrying Coptic Christians, including children, south of Cairo. (Minya Governorate Media office via AP)

On Friday, May 26, 2017, a bus carrying Coptic Christians to St. Samuel the Confessor Monastery came under fire. Officials have confirmed 29 people have been killed. ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attack.

Egypt’s Interior Ministry told CNN 10 assailants wearing masks opened fire from three four-wheel drive vehicles. 25 people were also injured, some of whom are still in critical condition.

The attack comes as a low blow after the Palm Sunday attacks that took so many Coptic lives. The Coptic community in Egypt rallied after those attacks and managed to come together for worship that next weekend (Easter), but this latest event represents the reason many Christians are fleeing Egypt.

The Christians on the bus were headed to St. Samuel monastery in preparation for weekend worship. The Monastery is located about 60 miles northwest of the city of Minya, which has the highest concentration of Christians in Egypt.

Unfortunately, as this attack shows, the violence against Coptic Christians appears to be ramping up. Please pray for the persecuted church in Egypt.

6 Signs Your Spouse Is Considering Divorce

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Almost every day, I receive messages online from a spouse who believes the other spouse might be cheating or pulling away, or at the very least, hiding something. This puts the doubting spouse in a frustrating predicament of wanting to know the truth, but not knowing how to proceed without seeming paranoid or making false accusations. I’m a little apprehensive about doing this, because I don’t want to cause unnecessary doubts or fights in a marriage. Still, I strongly believe that this is information you need to have. I’ve discovered a clear and consistent set of behaviors that often signal that ADULTERY, DISHONESTY AND/OR APATHY is happening in a marriage. I’m going to list these behaviors below. I believe that these six behaviors represent the main warning signs.

These warning signs listed below are clear indicators that something is off in the marriage. If you see ANY of these six behaviors being exhibited by you or by your spouse, please take immediate action to address the issues before it becomes too late. If your marriage is currently in crisis, please don’t lose hope. Please check out our new program for couples in crisis at FightingForMyMarriage.com.
Here are the six most common signs of a spouse who is pulling away (in no particular order).
1. He/She is overly critical of everything you do. He/She seems annoyed or offended by the way you do even the smallest daily tasks (even if those same things never seemed to bother him/her before). 

As a spouse starts pulling away from the marriage, he/she wants to justify the affair and/or their desire to plan a future that doesn’t include you. He/she falsely justifies it by making you, the faithful spouse, seem like a terrible person. Meanwhile, he/she is most likely fixating on his/her cheating partner or a person he/she fantasizes about being with and seeing this other person as “perfect” by comparison. Of course, all of this is a delusion fueled by lust and selfishness, but the faithful spouse becomes verbally mistreated in the process.

#2 often happens simultaneously with #1. #2 is also a common trait among Sociopaths and Narcissists

2. He/She sees him/herself as either the VICTIM or the HERO in every situation (never the one at fault).

Another part of the mental coping mechanism for a spouse who is pulling away is to refuse to take responsibility for his/her actions. He/she will have a difficult time seeing it as “wrong.” To make this twisted view of reality work, he/she is forced to redefine reality where he/she is NEVER in the wrong about anything. When things are going well, he/she plays the hero. When things are going badly, he/she plays the victim. They refuse to see fault in themselves. They’re never the “bad guy” in the story even when confronted by the clear evidence of their sin.

#3 is probably the MOST common sign of adultery and/or dishonesty in marriage

3. He/She is secretive with their cell phone (or tablet/computer) and gets defensive if anyone looks at it.

This is probably the most obvious one on the list! If a person is cheating, they’re going to be very concerned about getting caught, and the phone is the most common way people get caught. If your spouse is reluctant to let you see their phone (or if YOU are reluctant to show your phone to your spouse), then there are some serious trust issues at play. Even if infidelity isn’t happening, secrecy is a huge red flag in a marriage. Honesty and transparency pave the way to intimacy. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy in marriage.

#4 often marks the beginning of a “mid-life crisis,” but it can also be a telltale sign of infidelity

4. He/She starts paying much more attention to his/her appearance while also becoming more critical of (or indifferent toward) your appearance. 

If he/she develops a sudden interest in fitness and fashion, that doesn’t automatically mean that he/she is on the prowl or trying to impress someone else, but it’s definitely something to talk about. If he/she is taking much more interest in his/her appearance while simultaneously becoming more critical (or completely ignoring) YOUR appearance, that’s a huge warning sign that adultery is happening or it could happen very soon unless something changes.

#5 will be quickly noticeable in your sex life if an affair is happening

5. He/She shows less interest in sex (with you), but when sex is talked about he/she might suggest (or even pressure you for) new sex acts that you haven’t done before.

If your spouse is cheating (or planning on cheating), you’ll notice some changes in your sex life. He/she will probably be less interested in sex with you, but he/she might also start suggesting (or even demanding) new sex acts that you haven’t done or that you’ve done before but don’t like doing. This isn’t always a sign of an affair, but it’s very often the sign of heavy porn use by a spouse. It signifies that SOMETHING is going on that needs to be addressed.

#6 might be the first sign you notice indicating that something is definitely wrong in the marriage

6. He/She isn’t home as much as usual and he/she seems to always be looking for excuses to be anywhere else.

In a healthy marriage, both spouses desire to be with each other and make efforts to be with each other. When one spouse starts pulling away to spend more time at work or with friends or with hobbies or to run random errands, it’s not always a sign of adultery, but it’s usually a sign that something is off in the marriage and needs to be addressed.

These six warning signs aren’t meant to be evidence against a spouse who might not be cheating. Rather, these are listed to give you some common warning signs and traits found in unfaithful spouses. Even if there’s no affair happening, I hope this simple list can spark some healthy dialogue between you and your spouse about building stronger trust, treating each other with respect and what it takes to safeguard your marriage from any form of infidelity.

If this article was helpful to you, please share it using the links below so we can help others too.

This article originally appeared here.

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