I have been thinking and writing about the qualities of emotionally healthy leadership since 1996. Each book (e.g., The Emotionally Healthy Leader) and theme in The EH Discipleship Courses touches a different facet of emotionally healthy leadership. Yet, as I continue on my own growth journey and interact with leaders, my nuancing of these challenges continues to sharpen.

The following my 10 challenges to being an emotionally healthy leader:

1. Deep Loving Union and Surrender. Behind the pressure and demands that seek to cut us off from abiding in Jesus are powers and principalities of evil. To follow Jesus’ voice and will, regardless of where He leads, requires a deep trust developed through a long, slow history of being with Him in secret. This kind of depth cannot be learned in a class or book. Antidote: Faithfulness to spiritual practices. Obedience in the small things. Initiative to position yourself in places where you will be challenged spirituality (e.g., retreats, trainings, spiritual directors, mentors).

2. High Self-Awareness. This grows more challenging as we grow older and move into larger levels of responsibility. Our shadows are elusive and impossible to eradicate this side of heaven. They rear their ugly heads in our leadership when we least expect it, especially when we are riding a wave of success or failure. Antidote: Be reflective. And take initiative to invite wise people to speak into your life (e.g., mentors, therapists, spiritual directors, trusted friends).

3. Deep Brokenness and Vulnerability. I wrote about this in The Emotionally Healthy Church in 2003. I realize now, however, that it is best understood on a scale—perhaps of 0 to 10. Can I let go of my position? My title? People’s praise? Am I open to hearing criticism—even from people that don’t say it with the kindness and maturity that I prefer? Am I vulnerable to those around me about my mistakes and sins? In what area(s) of my life might I be presenting myself to be something I am not? Antidote: Repent daily, perhaps hourly. Invite multiple, courageous people to speak truth into your life. Take adequate time for reflection.

4. Limits. Almost everything we do takes double, or triple, the time we expect. Determining our goals before God takes time. Breaking down these goals into specific steps, followed by thinking how much time each step will take, takes even more time. Including others in our process takes time. And plotting this all out on our calendars takes even more time. Leadership is hard. Painful. It grounds us in our limits. Then, taking an honest inventory of the time, energy and ability of those who work for us confronts us with our humanity once again. Antidote: Take ample time to prayerfully get clear on God’s goals and to think through the steps needed to accomplish those goals. Again, find a wise friend or consultant who does this well. Get mentored in this area.

5. Lifelong Learning. The world is changing so rapidly that, if we are not learning and growing, we are in trouble. The people we lead are in trouble also. I am amazed at how many leaders can’t be bothered (“I have too much to do”) or stop learning from others once they have achieved a certain level of “success.” This is one of my criteria for a good hire. Antidote: Make this a non-negotiable for your team and ministry. Model it in your own development. Be sure to create a culture of learning and growth.

6. Organizational Integrity. Exercising power and setting wise boundaries in leadership is complex, especially when we add in the “God factor.” Dual relationships, clear expectations and job descriptions, hiring and firing (even of volunteers) all require skill and high differentiation. Antidote: Include a wise, outside consultant into your process. Seek counsel from mentors who have led healthy ministries. Master the eight skills from The Emotionally Healthy Relationship Course in your own life so you can apply them in your ministry. And carefully study chapter 8, “Power and Wise Boundaries,” from The Emotionally Healthy Leader.

7. Truth. Spirituality is not an escape from reality, but rather an immersion into it. That includes seeking to know the truth about the things that are not going well. I like things “nice and neat” and don‘t like conflict and tension. Living in truth, especially as leaders, demands character, courage and faith in Jesus. Why? It often leads us to places we prefer to avoid—both in ourselves and those we serve. Antidote: Ask difficult questions. Be curious. Trust Jesus who is the Truth. Ask often for feedback from people willing and able to tell you hard things. And bring in objective outsiders whenever possible to give fresh perspective.

8. Wise Counsel. When I turned 60 last July, I gave myself the gift of two hours with a wise mentor. I set up phone calls with two other godly leaders in their 70s and 80s. I read books with theological and practical insight on aging. At each stage of my journey with Jesus, I search out people ahead of me—whether it is in the area of prayer, organizational leadership, spirituality, finances or social media. I was careless and sloppy in seeking out wise counsel in my early years, resulting in needless pain in my personal life, our family and our church. Antidote: Pray. Ask trusted friends for referrals. And set aside time in your calendar to meet with more mature people.

9. Your Marriage or Singleness. We work out our marriage to Jesus through our secondary callings, or vocations, as single or married persons. For this reason, building a firewall to protect the health of our closest relationships, whether we are married or single, is critical. Establishing healthy boundaries so we can model a marriage or singleness that is a sign and wonder to Christ is no small task—especially amidst the crucible of leadership. Antidote: Talk with your core community (spouse or close friends) about what is needed for you to have a high-quality marriage or singleness. Seek out mentors or therapists with the maturity to speak into this vulnerable area of your life.

10. Say “No.” Discerning what God has specifically given us to do is one of our most difficult tasks. Good opportunities that are not God’s best and demands from strong people can easily distract us. It has taken me decades to more fully realize how a yes I say without prayerful discernment results in a no to many of God’s precise plans for my ministry and time. Antidote: Have a hard conversation with yourself, and then with your team. Are you clear on God’s vision and plan? The team He is calling to work with you? Are you willing to be patient and take the necessary time for prayer and wise counsel before saying yes to opportunities?

Let me invite you to join us in New York City next Wednesday or Thursday via Live Stream (or in person) at our 2017 Emotionally Healthy Leadership Conference. Get equipped to integrate a discipleship that deeply changes lives into your leadership and church!

This article originally appeared here.

Many times a leader can be clueless about the real health of the organization they lead. If a leader refuses to solicit feedback, doesn’t listen to criticism or stops learning, they can begin to believe everything is under control—when in reality—things are falling apart around them.

I once watched as a church crumbled apart while the pastor thought everything was wonderful. He always had an excuse for declining numbers and never welcomed input from others. It got bad enough for the church to have to ask him to leave. It was messy. It could have been avoided, in my opinion.

And, sadly, that could be the stories of hundreds of churches and organizations.

The best leaders, however, avoid what I call the leadership vacuum.

I have heard the term leadership vacuum used to describe the need for more leaders, but I believe the biggest void may be within leaders themselves.

The leader in a leadership vacuum believes:

Everyone on the team understands me. And, I understand them.

Everyone on the team thinks like I think. We are in complete unity. I know this without asking anyone.

Everyone on the team likes me. And, they are glad I’m the leader.

My team is completely healthy. And, so am I. We don’t need to worry about that kind of thing.

I am this team. This team needs me. In fact, they couldn’t do it without me.

The organization is headed in the right direction in every area. We don’t need any changes.

Our systems and plans are flawless. Nothing can stop us now.

Granted, any or all of these may be true at a given time, but if we always assume they are is when we get into trouble as a leader. When the leader is clueless to the real problems and needs in the organization, he or she is living in the leadership vacuum. The best leaders are aware of the vacuum trap and guard against it in their leadership.

Leaders, have you ever lived in the leadership vacuum? Are you there now?

Have you followed a leader in the vacuum?

This article originally appeared here.

Whenever a pastor falls into public and scandalous sin, it leaves a trail of desolating damage in many lives.

First and foremost is the pastor’s own wife and children. What devastation, to see one they loved and trusted over many years, one who ministered God’s Word to them, not just in public but in private, end up doing exactly the opposite of all that he stood for.

Then, there’s the damage done to the Christians in the pastor’s congregation, especially those who were converted and blessed under his ministry. They have so many debilitating questions: Was my conversion through his ministry real or just imagined? Were the blessings under his preaching genuine or was I deceived? Many will be angry—rightfully so—at the pastor’s sinful selfishness.

What wreckage this leaves in the lives of children in the congregation. The man they looked up to and regarded as a holy man is proven to be a fraud. How many doubts this sows, not just about the man but about his message. What painful conversations are provoked between Christian parents and their children. The wounds are multiplied if the pastor has also been a regular speaker at local school assemblies, with hundreds of unchurched children knowing him as the only pastor in their lives.

There are mass casualties among non-Christians in the church and the community. It hardens some in unbelief as they use the hypocrisy of the pastor to justify their continued resistance. It deters seekers as they think, “Well if he can’t make it work, what hope do I have?” It weakens doubters who already have serious questions about Christianity. It strengthens skeptics who openly mock the church, pastors and Christians for their double standards.

The ministry in general is contaminated as people wonder “Are they all like that.” Pastors in the community feel ashamed, wondering if people are wondering about them. The marriages of Christian pastors are undermined as their wives worry if their own husband is also at it. Suspicion grows and trust weakens. The congregation’s replacement pastor is going to have to wait a long time to regain the confidence of the congregation.

Depending on how well-known the pastor was, the damage may not just be local but national. When megachurch pastors fall, the mega-scandal weakens the church and its witness all over the nation.

Repairing the Damage

So, what can be done to repair the damage? Here are some essential steps to take.

1. Tell the whole truth. The remaining church leaders must level with the congregation and with the public. The least hint of a cover-up or of spin will be found out and will only end up making the situation even worse. No matter how damaging the truth about a pastor’s fall, it is even more damaging to tell lies about it, or admit to the truth only as it is discovered from other sources. Instead of letting the facts dribble out bit by bit, better to get it all out at once and then move on. Otherwise, as fallen politicians can tell us, death by a thousand leaks only prolongs and worsens the agony.

2. Minister to the damage. Difficult though it is to bring up all the painful trauma of these events, it’s far better to deal with it than ignore it, minimize it and “move on.” Sermons should be preached with a clear focus on addressing the damage, “Question and Answer” sessions should be organized, resources should be supplied, homes should be visited and conversations initiated about the specific problems that have resulted from the situation. Yes, it’s going to be a stressful time for the remaining church leadership, but better to be honest and open about the wounds in order to heal them. Otherwise, they will continue to fester and become a source of infection in the church for years to come. Tomorrow I’ll make some suggestions about what people need to hear in these situations.

3. Prioritize the wife and children. Each of the groups above need pastoring but none more so than the wife and the children of the fallen man. Bizarrely, the wife is sometimes a target of blame when a pastor falls. This can even come from the fallen pastor, as was the case a few years ago when a megachurch pastor who had committed adultery went to a national newspaper and said, “Well she did it first.” But even where there is no blaming of the wife, she needs massive support and comfort from the Christian community. Let her be in no doubt about their love and commitment to her. Special care should also be taken to shepherd the children through this dark valley.

4. Pastor the ex-pastor. This is not the priority—the casualties he’s caused are—but the ex-pastor also needs care. Sadly, many pastors who commit adultery and are removed from the ministry tend to become resentful toward the church, harden their hearts and refuse all attempts to shepherd them to repentance. However, if the pastor is humble, truly repents and wants spiritual (and marital) restoration, then much time will have to be spent in guiding him through this process, and encouraging him to find alternative work to provide for his family.

5. Prayer and patience. Recovery is going to take a long time for all concerned. The damage can be generational, taking 15-20 years before its effects eventually fade. It’s not just the faith of Christians that’s shaken; their mental health will be also. I remember talking to a Christian psychiatrist in Scotland a couple of years after a horrendous church division. He said he continued to be inundated with Christians from both sides of the divide. Huge supplies of prayer (public and private) and patience are going to be required before all the devastation of this tsunami is cleaned up.

This article originally appeared here.

Abraham, Noah, Moses and the saints of old walked forward with God in head-scratching obedience. Noah builds an ancient Titanic. Abraham logs more steps than a Fitbit can handle. Moses stood up to a political superpower. How? By faith.

Hebrews 11—The Hall of Faith—catalogs for us the ways our biblical ancestors lived by faith with our great God and Savior. But, I have a quibble.

Let’s stop calling it the Hall of Faith.

It’s plain to see the connections. Hall of Fame, ah, Hall of Faith. But a Christian-spin-cycle on a cultural shrine and a low-hanging play on words isn’t always helpful to understanding the Kingdom of Christ. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are those who take the seat at the end of the table, and the ones who aren’t always yelling shotgun in the parking lot of the world.

A Hall of Fame riff toward a Hall of Faith doesn’t compute with the ways of our meek Messiah. It smells clever but is undercooked in its meaning.

WHY HALLS EXIST

The problem with the comparing a basketball, baseball, football or rock-and-roll Hall of Fame with Hebrews 11 is that Halls of Fame exist to elevate and separate. Halls of Fame extract the best from the ordinary, the unimpressive, the forgettable, the duds. This is fine for sports and music but not fit for the Kingdom.

The Hall of Fame doesn’t exist to inspire your imitation. It reminds you of someone else’s greatness, their accomplishments and how only an elite few can ever reach this status. I can’t imitate Michael Jordan. I can try but I look silly jumping to the rim net with my tongue out.

WHY HEBREWS 11 EXISTS

But, Hebrews 11 exists for your imitation. God didn’t give us this section of the Bible for us to think, “Look at these great followers of God. I’ll never be like them.” Chapter 11 is filed for our imitation. The barrage of by faiths is there to weave us together, join us in the story of God’s glory—not bronze the heads of saints before our eyes.

Hebrews 11 doesn’t exist to museum-ify those who came before us. It is there to motivate and encourage us that if these folks could live by faith, so can we. We know Christ! Our biblical ancestors and their stat lines show us that by faith, we too can endure and walk with God—we can look to the crucified and risen Lord Jesus and endure with him till the end.

Since we have this cloud of witnesses as our pedigree, our family tree, “Let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith” (Heb. 12:1–2 CSB). The Hall of Fame doesn’t move me toward holiness—but faith in Jesus does. It changes us forever.

The Hall of Fame, in every sport, is an incredible but temporal accomplishment. By faith we look to a heavenly city where duds, the forgotten, the overlooked, are welcome by faith in Christ’s accomplishments. His and his alone.

This article originally appeared here.

This week I’ve participated in a gathering with Leadership Network called Multi-Site Accelerator. It’s a great learning experience. I appreciate the Leadership Network team, and how they help churches across the country.

The focus of this gathering was to learn and gain insights from business organizations. The idea is to translate those learnings to become more efficient in the multi-site church model.

That’s the context for the content, and it’s great. But I’ll bet you’ve experienced, like me, that some great insights also come from more lateral thoughts and hallway conversations.

So, here’s one of those add value ideas, broken down into five bullet points.

1. Leaders in very large churches tend to be driven, and get restless when the church isn’t growing as fast as experienced in recent years or even just months. (This doesn’t mean that leaders in small and mid-sized churches aren’t driven. It was merely the context of this gathering.)

2. This restlessness causes high capacity driven leaders to divert their primary and creative energies from core activities to launch new endeavors within their churches. The danger is that the basics are perceived as boring, and the new creative things capture time, attention and energy. The new projects gain quick momentum and can give the illusion that the church is moving forward. But this momentum is usually short lived. In reality, the church is simply busier reaching the same people.

3. These new ministries, projects or events are good, but not focused and streamlined in a way that helps the church make concrete and measurable progress. Reaching more people is not the result. Restlessness can become busyness.

4. The irony is that this investment of leadership energy is often the very thing that slows or prevents the primary mission, to reach more people for Christ and help them mature in their faith.

5. The better investment of leadership energy is to dig deep into the basics and stay focused there. Combine that with massive doses of discipline along with innovation toward improvements. But again, stay focused on only that which is imperative for the church to thrive. Everything else is eliminated.

The point is to redirect restlessness that becomes wasted sideways energy by focusing on core basics that are mission-critical.

The following are practical questions to help you discern if this is a reality in your church.

• Is your church growing slowly or perhaps plateaued?
• Are your high capacity leaders looking for a new challenge to conquer but not improving the basics?
• Is that new challenge something that is necessary to achieve the mission of your church?
• Are you exercising “innovative discipline” to get better at the basics in ministry?
• Is there any restless energy in you, your staff or key leaders that needs to be redirected back to mission critical ministries, processes or practices?

This article originally appeared here.

I Don’t See You as a Black Friend

I grew up in the hills of West Virginia and had no African Americans in my graduating class. I attended a university with a fairly diverse campus, but most of my interactions with people who weren’t white came on the basketball court.

My experience in church was much of the same. After I became a Christian, I moved to Texas and was part of a solid, but mostly white congregation. I later became the pastor of a church plant in a small oil town named Graham, Texas. In the seven years I pastored there, we had one black member, a brother named Bobby whose “amens” and “tell’em preacher” encouragements still ring in my soul.

Though I had a few black acquaintances, most of my friends looked like me, thought like me, felt like me and experienced life in the same way I did. But all that changed in 2011 when I moved to Washington, D.C., to do an internship at Capitol Hill Baptist Church.

Our intern class consisted of six men, one of whom was black.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

Trip Lee was a quiet guy with a baby face. When I met him, I thought he couldn’t be more than 13 years old, but as our friendship developed, I grew to respect Trip for his devotion to Jesus and desire to be a humble servant of Christ’s church. We had regular discussions about theology, church, culture, and then one day—we talked about race.

As the discussion went deeper, Trip mentioned something about him being a black man. I leaned in and with all sincerity said to him, “Trip, when I see you, I don’t see you as black. I see you as my brother in Christ. I see you as a friend, but I don’t see you as a black friend.”

My intention was to communicate respect and to ensure him that I was “color-blind” because that was the height of love—right?

Wrong.

Trip looked at me and gently said, “Listen man, we are brothers in Christ, and that means something. But if you and I are going to be able to be real friends that go deep, you need to know that I am a man—but I am a black man.”

After a moment of silent staring, I pushed back and said that I didn’t understand. I explained that I never thought of myself as a white man and I wouldn’t want him to think of me as his “white friend.”

Trip said to me, “I hear you, but you’ve got to know that being a black man affects everything I do. Every time I walk into a store, every time a policeman looks at me, every time I step into our very-white church. I feel it. I breathe it. I live it. I am a black man, that is who God made me.”

He went on to explain that being a black man meant that, in many ways, he experienced life differently than I do. His pains and joys and fears were similar to mine, but also very different. He has fears for his children that are different than the fears I have for my children. He has hurdles in relationships that I don’t have to jump. He has to trust God in ways that are both similar and different than me. And those differences matter.

A Journey of Love

That conversation with Trip proved to be pivotal for me. It opened my eyes to the fact that not everyone sees and experiences life in the same way I do. This shouldn’t have been such a revelation to me, but it was.

I later became the lead pastor at Del Ray Baptist Church in Alexandria, Va. Our church is mostly white, but is slowly increasing in diversity. Shai Linne, our assistant pastor, is an African American brother who has graciously allowed me to ask him questions and wrestle openly with things I find confusing about race and ethnicity.

After George Zimmerman was acquitted of killing Trayvon Martin, Shai and I had several conversations about why the news was so upsetting to many of my black friends, including him. We eventually had a public discussion with about 20 other people where I (the ignorant white friend) got to ask Shai questions about how he saw and experienced the tragic event—not just as a Christian man, but also as a Christian black man.

During our dialogue, Shai humbly shared about a time when he was walking down the street and was stopped by police. He was questioned, cuffed and put into the back of a police cruiser because he “fit the description of someone they were looking for.” He described to us the pit that formed in his stomach when a car with a white woman pulled up next to him to identify if he was the person they were looking for. He said, “My life flashed before my eyes. In that moment I knew that if she said ‘that’s him’ that my life was over. I was going to jail. My whole life hung on what that woman said.”

I will never forget his tears as he told his story. I never knew that about him. But it made me love him and hate our fallen world and desire for Jesus to come back in a way I hadn’t felt before.

Nor will I ever forget the interaction Shai had with his young son after the news broke that the police who killed Eric Garner would not be facing any charges. While watching the news, his son asked, “Daddy, what are they talking about?” Shai said to him “black lives matter.” And then with innocent eyes he looked at his father and asked, “Why are they talking about that?”

Now, as a father, I’ve had to answer tough questions from my children before. But that kind of heart wrenching questioning has never happened in my house. Shai and my other black friends have to explain things to their children that I don’t have explain to my children.

Yes, we have the same kinds of concerns about the persecution our children will face if they follow Christ (2 Timothy 3:12), but most of my black friends and their children have had and still do have, a path that with more obstacles than the one I and my family walk on.

The Lord has given me relationships with friends from different ethnicities and cultures to open my eyes, not just to what it means to be black or Asian or Hispanic, but to what it means to love people who are different than I am. Moreover, these relationships have even impacted the way I read and apply the Scriptures.

Seeing More Clearly

“Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of Your law.” Psalm 119:18

I’d like to highlight three passages from God’s Word that have taken on a whole new meaning for me because of the diverse friendships God has brought into my life.

#1 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” Romans 12:15

If my black brothers and sisters weep and lose sleep over something, God-glorifying love calls me to care about it. I may not understand why they are weeping, but if they hurt, God calls me to sympathize with them and to seek to understand. There is no room in the heart of a Christian for apathy or indifference toward other believers (1 Peter 4:8).

Not all of my black friends have been affected in the same way by the Ferguson and Eric Garner decisions. But many of them have—and that must mean something if I am a Christian. Why? Because we are “members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25), and I am certain that when my day of weeping comes, I will want others to weep with me.

#2 – “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

We live in a fallen world that is filled with suffering. In many ways, all people’s suffering is similar, but there are also unique burdens each of us bear. Many of my African American friends have unique burdens to bear. And though understanding why they are burdened by certain events may not come natural to me, loving them (fulfilling the law of Christ) requires that I ask them to help me understand how I can bear their burden with them.

Sometimes this burden-bearing comes in the form of a prayer or a phone call. Oftentimes it comes just through listening and striving to learn more about your brother’s suffering. One of our white church members recently asked if he could have dinner with a few African American couples to talk about the issues of racial tension in our country that have been exposed through the events in Ferguson. They graciously agreed and one of the brothers said to him, “I really appreciate you asking to talk with me about this, because from my experience, it is very rare that someone would reach out to talk about these issues.”

Burden bearing begins by taking a step of love toward another and saying, “Do you need help carrying that? I’m not sure I can help, but if I can, I’m here, and I’d like to try.”

#3 – “When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. ¹²For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. ¹³And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy…their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel…” Galatians 2.11–14″ data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>Galatians 2:11–14

In days past I would have wholeheartedly dismissed the notion that “race issues” were Gospel issues. But the Apostle Paul clearly states here that because Peter and Barnabas (Jews) segregated themselves from the Gentile believers, “their conduct was not in step with the truth of the Gospel.” It was anti-Gospel to step away from brothers and sisters who weren’t like them in order to keep traditions that Jesus died to set them free from.

One of the goals of Jesus’ saving work on the cross is to “break down the wall of hostility” between Jew and Gentile and to create in Himself a new humanity where hostility is put to death and we are united in peace (Ephesians 2:14-16, John 17.20-21″ data-version=”esv” data-purpose=”bible-reference”>17:20-21).

If there is any place that love and unity seems tenuous, it is along racial lines. Marin Luther King famously said, “The most segregated hour of Christian America is 11 o’clock on Sunday morning.” While we can praise God that there has been tremendous progress in race relations in the church since Dr. King’s day, we must all admit there is a long way to go.

And what is the way there? It is the way of Christ. God calls all His people to be “of the same mind in the Lord” (Philippians 2:2).

It is through loving those who are “other” to us that we most walk in step with the truth of the Gospel. It does us good to consider the fact that we are more “other” to Jesus than any of us are to each other. Jesus is God, and it doesn’t get any more “other” than that. Yet, what did Jesus do? He was moved by compassion and love for sinners to come and serve and die and rise for us (Philippians 2:1-11). Jesus teaches us what it means to love.

Shai recently preached about loving those who are “other” in this.

A Few Final Lessons About Love 

While there is much that could be said, I want to conclude with three reminders about what Gospel love requires from us.

#1 – Love requires relationship.

If we are going to learn to understand people who are different than us, we must pursue relationships with people who are different than us. This isn’t limited to black and white relationships of course, but it is certainly true for them. If love is going to flourish in the church, we must be willing to risk stepping out of our comfort zones and into the lives of other people.

I can hear what black men and women think on blogs and interviews, but love must go beyond this. As Shai said in the sermon I referenced above, “The more time and conversations you have with someone, the more sympathy is developed. It’s not going to happen through Facebook. It’s not going to happen on Twitter. It’s not going to happen on a blog post. It won’t be through watching news on cable, but it’s gonna be over the dinner table.”

How are you stretching yourself to develop authentic relationships with people who are different than you?

#2 – Love listens.

Love requires that I listen. I have learned that it is best for me to ask more questions and make fewer assumptions. This allows my brother the opportunity to speak for himself. And where better should we have the freedom to have these kinds of conversations than with our church family?

White police officers should be able to sit down with black members and talk about their mutual fears. They should also be able to encourage each other with how the Gospel gives them mutual hope. God is glorified in this, and the world is amazed.

#3 – Love risks.

If you walk down the path of love, you will be hurt and you will hurt others. As John Piper recently said, “There is no love in this world without tears.” If you take the risk of walking with people, you will encounter relational briars of racism and apathy and skepticism and bitterness and cynicism. These will hurt you, and your own briars will hurt others.

And this is why I am more convinced than ever that diversity in relationships is one of the best catalysts to our spiritual growth. When we are stretched to love and forgive and rejoice and weep in ways that are not natural to us, we are forced to lean upon Jesus in freshly desperate ways. And when we are all equally desperate before Jesus, we have great hope that He will move to unite us in ways that will call the world to ponder the power of our Lord.

There has been progress in our country and in our church. We have great reason to hope that God will grant even more progress. But this progress will not come from being colorblind. Progress will come when we see each other as we are, and prayerfully draw together for the honor and glory of God.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

This article originally appeared here.