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How Does Your Social Media Presence Reflect Your Faith?

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If you use social media, you’ve watched—or, gulp, participated—as debates about politics or social issues have spiraled out of control. Before you know it, there’s a full-blown frenzy on your news feed, whether you asked for it or not!

By the end of it, you know exactly which company or candidate or cause all of your friends stand with—or despise. And—bonus!—you know who’s hurt, who’s angry and who’s been unfriended. That’s no way for anyone to live their life online!

As a Christian, you’re called to live differently. God wants you to live out your faith digitally as much as you do in church on Sundays. You have a huge responsibility when you interact on social media! You’re called to steward your words for God’s glory. After all, words are powerful. And depending on how you engage, what you say can bring people closer to God or push them away.

That doesn’t mean you always need to be in total agreement with everything your friends post. You can disagree while still showing love. And sometimes showing love means saying nothing at all, or reaching out privately rather than addressing someone publicly. Other times, it might mean offering a third perspective that doesn’t fit neatly into “for” or “against.”

It’s tough knowing how—or even whether—to participate in the digital public square when these issues pop up. But as a Christ-follower, you have to think about how you engage online. Next time your Facebook feed becomes one long dialogue on the latest social issue, think through these three steps before you join the conversation.

1. What’s your motive?

Before you type a single word—no matter how tempting it is—ask yourself why you want to in the first place. Is it because that political candidate got under your skin? Or do you see an opportunity to let the Holy Spirit speak through you?

Romans 8:8 (NIV) tells us, “Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.” If your desire to participate is of the Spirit, then your presence in the debate should demonstrate Christ’s love. If it’s of the flesh, reconsider whether you should get involved at all.

2. Do your words live up to Philippians 4:8?

Before you hit “Post” or “Send,” slow down and think about how you want people to receive what you say. Social media speeds up the communication process and doesn’t encourage us to think before we act—or react. Plus, we might be tempted to say things we would never say in person because we’re behind a screen.

To avoid any of that, make sure your words line up with Philippians 4:8 (ESV): “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

3. Does your tone reflect the fruit of the Spirit?

A person’s tone is sometimes hard to read on a screen. There’s so much we say with our voices, facial expressions and body language that we can’t communicate online! That’s why it’s so important that you pay attention to the implied message behind your words.

To avoid a comment that comes across as rude, mean, hateful or passive-aggressive—even if the words themselves aren’t—put it up to the Galatians 5:22–26 test. Is the tone full of love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? It shouldn’t sound conceited, provoking or envious. When you can answer yes, you know you’re ready to engage your friends online without compromising your faith.

It’s not a matter of if the next social media debate will strike, but when. When it does, remember that you’re stewarding your words and your online presence for Christ. Putting everything you do on social media through that filter will ensure you represent Christ—and your faith—well.

This article originally appeared here.

Social Justice or Evangelism? There Shouldn’t Even Be a Debate

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A debate is raging among a handful of Christian leaders about social justice and the Gospel. Some super conservatives are saying that the entire concept of social justice is unbiblical. A handful of ultra-liberals have asserted for years that social justice is the Gospel. Still others are saying that social justice should be a natural lead in and outflow of the Gospel.

But before I dive into this debate I want to make something clear…I take this debate super personally.

Why? Because I was raised “American poor.”

I call it American poor because the brand of poverty I lived through pales in comparison to some of the levels of poverty I’ve seen firsthand in places like India, Colombia and El Salvador.

But, by US of A standards, my family was poor. I was raised in apartment complexes and trailer courts. And, yes, we qualified for free cheese and food stamps.

But my mom was too proud to accept government help. In some weird way she thought it would be admitting defeat and “stealing from the government.” Although she should have gotten alimony from at least one of her four former husbands she didn’t get any.

My mom raised me and my brother in one of the highest crime rate areas of our city. On many Friday and Saturday evenings my mom would ask, “You wanna watch cops tonight?” And, if I said “yes,”  we’d hop in the car and follow the cop cars blazing through our neighborhood to the scene of the closest crime. Long before the show Cops came out we were watching our own version of it firsthand.

Sometimes the cops showed up at our house. My extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins) were a little like Sons of Anarchy. Lots of fights, lots of violence, lots of anger. But, as tough as my uncles were, they all had a respect for my mom, their sister, because she could throw a punch (and take one) with the best of them.

Mom was a fighter on every level. And she determined that me and my brother were going to have the best chance at a normal life. She fought, scraped and scrapped to put food on the table, clothes on our backs and some shred of dignity in our souls. She was determined to raise us as well as she possibly could. But sometimes the pressure was too overwhelming for her.

She would often cry herself to sleep at night. My brother and I could hear her through the paper thin walls in our tiny apartment. Mom told us many times that she was worried that we would turn out to be just like her.

She felt like a loser because she couldn’t keep a relationship. She felt like a loser because she couldn’t get ahead of the relentless bills. She felt like a loser because of the sins she had committed.

And every month, when the bills came due, her feelings of inadequacy were magnified.

As a kid I was a collector of pennies. In sidewalk cracks and underneath couch cushions I looked for those shiny copper coins everywhere I went. By the time I was eight I had amassed a fortune ($50 worth!) I’ll never forget the look of shame my mom had when she asked to borrow the money from me so that she could buy groceries for us that week. I agreed and she promised to pay me back when she could.

Mom worked long hours at her job and did what it took to make sure her boys had enough to survive. But when she felt the pressure of unpaid bills and an inability to change the situation she would sometimes crack. I remember once she took out her anger on Paul, one of the guys she had married. After all he had left us high and dry with bills to pay. Then one day out of the blue he showed up in a new car in front of our place. I’ll never forget when she took a baseball bat to his car and then turned it on him. By the time he drove off his car was trashed and so was he. We never saw him again. The only thing he left behind were his unpaid bills….and a trail of blood.

I know American poverty. I was raised in it and reared by it. To me poverty is not a theoretical subject for the seminary classroom, but the shaper of many of my childhood memories. Yes, we had people that helped us along the way, including my grandparents. But mom paid back every loan she ever got from them and the stress of it all took a huge toll on her. I think that’s why one of the only luxuries she allowed herself was a two-pack-a-day smoking habit.

But in the midst of all this Jesus came walking in and changed everything. Through a variety of crazy circumstances my entire family ended up coming to Christ over a few short years.

My toughest uncle was reached with the good news first and the rest began to fall like dominoes. Uncles, aunts, cousins…everyone eventually put their faith in Jesus. For the first time real and lasting hope entered my family and I was a firsthand witness to it all (that’s a big part of why I’m so passionate about Dare 2 Share and the power of the gospel to change lives!).

When my brother and I trusted in Jesus we began to share this message of hope with my mom. For years she resisted. She thought she was too bad for God to save. She especially felt guilty because she had lived a life of hard partying. I was the result of one of those parties. When she found out that the man she met got her pregnant she drove from Denver to Boston under the pretext of visiting family. Her real intention was to have an illegal abortion (this was before Roe vs. Wade).

The Dumbest Things I Ever Did as a Pastor

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On the whole, I believe pastors are a pretty smart bunch. We earn advanced degrees, study biblical languages, go to conferences to learn, and constantly challenge our brains when we prepare messages and talks. I’ve earned two theology degrees and consider myself a relatively smart guy. But, brain smarts won’t guarantee ministry fruitfulness. Our walk with Christ fundamentally matters. And how we manage relationships probably ranks second in influence. As I look back over my 38 years in ministry, I realize I repeatedly made this one really dumb mistake in the relationship area.

I hid out.

I don’t mean that I intentionally hid from people. But I isolated myself too much from staff and people in the church. I didn’t make myself visible enough.

  • In one church my office was the furtherest away from everybody else. And I stayed in it way too long during work hours. I seldom came out of the office.
  • In that same church I didn’t emerge from my office until three minutes before the Sunday service.
  • In another church as a low level associate, I would never meet with anyone unless they made an appointment several days in advance. This practice certainly may be necessary for the lead pastor of a large church, but not for my role at the time, my first full-time position.

Since those early years, I think I’ve grown up and become much wiser. Most church people (and staff) recognize that lead pastors are busy. Yet, they want to feel they have some connection to him or her. They don’t want to feel we are always in a rush to be somewhere else.

I now recognize that my visible presence matters greatly. And I don’t mean that we should make ourselves 24/7 accessible. We, too, must keep healthy margins. But, church people and staff need relational touches. Even small ones matter.

Here are changes I’ve made to help me be less of a ‘hider.’

  1. When I’m not preaching on a Sunday, I visit the kids’ areas, poke my head in each classroom, and thank the leaders. I don’t just sit in my office and read (which I enjoy doing).
  2. Before each Sunday service I intentionally finish my prayer time with an elder 10-15 minutes prior to the service start time so I can shake people’s hands and chat.
  3. I ask an elder to close out each service in prayer, and just prior to that as I share some final comments, I explain that I will be at the welcome center after the service and would like to meet new people.
  4. I more often manage staff using the MBWA technique, Management by Walking Around. Although I still keep my door closed to minimize interruptions, I intentionally break throughout the day and wander around to touch base with staff.
  5. When I talk to a staff person during the week or a church person on Sundays, I try to give them my full presence through eye contact and genuine listening. Even a minute or two of ‘fully present’ interaction can make a positive deposit into the souls of others.

I’m much wiser now and hope that going forward I won’t make as many dumb mistakes as I did when I was younger.

What’s the dumbest mistake you’ve every made as a pastor?

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Understanding Genres of the Bible Point Us to Accurate Interpretation

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A key to accurately interpreting Scripture is to consider what kind of genre the particular book or passage is written in. For instance, how we interpret the meaning behind the Psalms is different from how we might interpret something from II Chronicles. This is because the two books are written in completely different literary genres.

The Bible is a collection of many books telling one unified story, and these books are written in different styles. It’s a little like walking into a bookstore and seeing different categories of books such as history, biography, poetry, and non-fiction. When you peruse these different types of books, you will have different expectations as you read them.

The following genres are represented Scripture:

Narrative (comprises 43 percent of the Bible)

Poetry (comprises 33 percent of the Bible)

Discourse (comprises 24 percent of the Bible)

In the following video, the Bible Project explains why these particular genres are important and why God chose them to communicate the greatest story ever. Enjoy, study, and be changed.

Day Off for Ministry Leaders: A Case for Mondays and a Case for Fridays

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“Why do you take a day-off during the week? The devil doesn’t take a day off!” said one cranky old man to a young pastor.

“Because I am not trying to be like the devil” quipped the pastor.

Well done, pastor. Well done.

Ministry leaders must take a day off each week or they lack the moral authority to encourage those they serve to rest. Ministry leaders must take a day off each week for the sake of their own health, both physical and spiritual health. Without a time to rest, leaders will burn out or implode. Churches that make it difficult for church leaders to take a day off are harming the leaders and the church. Thankfully I have always served in churches that value the ministry leaders having time to rest. Thankfully the people who thought negatively about “days off” for ministry leaders weren’t in positions of decision-making.

If you are one of those people who think ministry leaders only work on Sundays, God loves you in the midst of your foolishness. But you are really, really foolish.

I had always taken Fridays as my “day off” before leaving the local church and serving as senior vice-president at LifeWay Christian Resources. Other friends of mine took Mondays off. Those seem to be the most common days off for ministry leaders. When I left local church ministry to serve at LifeWay, I learned what an actual weekend was. I had no idea what that word “weekend” really meant till not being on staff at a local church. Now that I have gone back to the local church, my current “day off” is Monday but I am going to experiment with Friday again too.

I have asked others which day is the best “day off” for ministry leaders and here are the best arguments I have heard for each day:

Take Mondays off:

  • Sunday is the end of your week. Take Sunday night and Monday off and rest before you start a new week.
  • The “Monday blues” can be real for ministry leaders. You are more susceptible to making bad decisions and expressing frustration to others. Take off and come back in a better place. You will have fewer regrets for your decisions and your interactions with others.
  • If you take Fridays off, you will be tired the entire week in the office. Rest up on Monday and you will enjoy the week more. And you will be more productive.

Take Fridays off:

  • On Mondays, you will not be able to resist problem solving from the weekend services, so you won’t really mentally be “off” on Mondays. On Friday, there is a better chance your task list is more complete
  • You put yourself behind on sermon prep if you take Mondays off.
  • You are exhausted on Mondays. Don’t give that time to your family. Give them Friday.

Which day is best? I recently polled church leaders on Twitter and 70 percent of those who responded chose Fridays over Mondays. It likely depends on the rhythm and the personality of the leader. You can experiment and see which works best for you. Or you can stick with what you have always known. The most important thing is that you are actually taking your day off.

This article originally appeared here.

Self-Esteem Is Ruining Your Kids

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As a child of the ’70s, I grew up in the ’80s where baby boomers were loving life, loving love and loving themselves. This translated to every area of life including their parenting. The seeds of self-esteem were laid by my parents’ generation and have taken full root in my generation. It’s this idea that kids need to have a positive outlook in life, they need to love themselves. While in limited ways this can be true, the pervasiveness of this idea is killing the collective conscience of our country and is ruining our kids.

My parents were not primarily concerned with my self-esteem, and for that I am thankful. I remember my mom saying something to me when I was younger that always stuck with me. She said that she and my father were not concerned with how our peers felt about us, rather they would always watch how adults interacted with us and would listen for the assessments adults had of us. Why? Because my parents were more concerned with our self-awareness than our self-esteem.

“Kids who focus on self-esteem run from the cross, those who are self-aware run to it.”

How kids interact with adults is a great (not perfect) indicator of how self-aware your kids are. So many parents today are concerned with their kids having friends, their kids having the right kinds of friends, their kids not getting their feelings hurt by their friends because they want their kids to have good self-esteem. They are doing their kids a disservice. Parents today take their child’s side over the word of another adult because they don’t want to crush their kids. In doing this they are eroding the very things that will make kids successful in life. I am all for good self-esteem and smarts in school, but what makes you successful in life is self-awareness. And here is the truth that parents so often totally miss: When you raise a kid who is self-aware you get self-esteem thrown in, but if you try to raise a kid with your primary goal being good self-esteem, you get neither.

Three reasons why self-awareness should matter to you as a parent.

1. Self-awareness produces confidence in your kids and confidence produces self-esteem.

2. Self-awareness makes your kids others-focused because they are confident and understand their strengths and limitations. It allows them to flourish and not have to pretend, lie, cheat or steal to be something they wish they were and not who they really are.

3. Self-awareness allows your kids to see themselves as the desperate sinners they are. When you are aware of who you are in Christ, you have a desperate confidence. You understand that you are a desperate sinner but have a confidence in a sinless savior. The cross is not a boost to your self-esteem. It doesn’t feel good to talk about the cross. Kids whose awareness is understood in light of their shortcomings and Christ’s sufficiency glory in the Cross. Kids who have learned to nurture their self-esteem run from the cross, but those who are self-aware run to it.

This article originally appeared here.

Why the Doctrine of Holiness Requires Imagination That Comes From Faith

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There’s a significant difference between my 2-year-old granddaughter and me. Yes, I’m taller and older and able to support myself, but it’s something more profound. She demonstrates this difference every time we’re together.

My granddaughter will make me sit down in a chair so she can serve me tea and a sandwich. When she delivers my order, the cup is empty and the plate has no food on it. But here’s the amazing thing: My granddaughter has the ability to see both the tea in the cup and the sandwich on the plate. Of course, I play along, and she’s delighted when I tell her what an excellent cook she is!

All children have this powerful capacity to imagine. It’s what makes their early years so interesting, surprising, delightful, captivating, innocent and wonderful. Sadly, as we grow into adulthood and the real concerns of life—like relationships, employment, finances, diet and so forth—fill our minds and control our hearts, our ability to imagine dims.

IMAGINATION AND FAITH

When it comes to the Christian faith, a religious system centered on surrendering your life to a God whom you cannot see, touch or hear, imagination becomes a vital element.

Let me give you a brief definition of imagination as it pertains to faithImagination is not the ability to conjure up what is unreal, but the capacity to see what is real but unseen.

To enable us to imagine, God has given us a dual sight system. We not only see physical things with our physical eyes, but we have another set of eyes: the eyes of the heart. God has given us this set of eyes so we can “see” the unseen world of spiritual reality.

The problem, though, is that the sin that infects our heart also renders us spiritually blind. What the eyes of our hearts need to see they cannot see, so God blesses us with the light-shining, sight-giving, eye-opening ministry of the Holy Spirit so we can “see” what cannot be seen with the physical eyes, but is every bit as real.

All of this is critical to understand before I begin to unpack the doctrine of holiness. Why? Because I’m very aware that what we’re about to consider is dependent upon the illumining ministry of the Spirit of God to open the eyes of our heart to see.

The doctrine of holiness is so far beyond anything in our ordinary experience that we have no comparisons or categories to help us understand it.

HOLY, HOLY, HOLY

If you’re a Christian and at all biblically literate, you will know that the Bible, without equivocation, claims that God is holy. Isaiah 6:3 provides the most potent declaration. The prophet Isaiah, at the moment of his calling, received of vision of the Lord sitting on his throne with seraphim on either side, and one seraph called to the other seraph and said, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!” (ESV)

Don’t cruise past the repetitive emphasis made in this declaration. It wasn’t enough for the seraph to say, “God is holy.” No, the seraph had to employ the word “holy” three times to capture the depth and breadth of God’s holiness.

It’s as if I were to say to you, “I saw this guy at the ballgame who was huge, huge, huge!” You would know right away that this was not an average big guy. Because of my repetitive emphasis on the word “huge” you would be forced to imagine that this guy was the biggest guy I ever saw in my life!

In the same way, “holy, holy, holy” is meant to stretch the boundaries of your imagination. Whatever you think of when you hear that God is holy, you need to know that God is in an entirely different category of holiness; he is much holier than you ever thought holiness could be.

But even “holy, holy, holy” was not enough for the seraph as he tried to capture God’s holiness. He had to add, “The whole earth is filled with his glory.”

How great is the holiness of this Lord of hosts? Great enough to fill the whole earth! Again, these words are crafted under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit to take your imagination where it has never gone. They’re meant to blow your mind with the thought that God is unlike anything you have ever encountered. They’re meant to humble you with the realization that God is fundamentally different from you. They’re intended to help you understand that who you’re dealing with is Someone greater than anyone and everyone you have ever dealt with before.

The Lord of hosts is holy, holy, holy, earth-filling and gloriously holy. He is holy, holy, holy.

I want you to stop reading for a moment. Pray right now that the eyes of your heart would open, and that somehow, someway you would get even a little glimpse of the mind-blowing grandeur of his holiness.

Seeing his holiness will change you and the way you live forever. I’ll explain how in a minute, but we still have some doctrine left to unpack.

WHAT IS HOLINESS?

Our translation for holiness comes from the Hebrew word qadowsh which means “to cut.” To be holy means to be cut off, or separate, from everything else. It means to be in a class of your own, distinct from anything that has ever existed or will ever exist. Qadowsh means a second thing: To be holy means to be entirely morally pure, all the time and in every way possible.

When you put these two elements of holiness together, you’re left with only one conclusion: that the Lord of hosts is the sum and definition of what it means to be holy. He occupies a moral space that no one has ever occupied before, and as such, we have no experience or frame of reference to understand what he is like because there’s nothing like him.

Exodus 15:11 asks, “Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders?” (ESV) 1 Samuel 2:2 declares, “There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.” (ESV)

There’s even more to be said. God’s holiness is not an aspect of who he is or what he does; no, God’s holiness is the essence of who he is. If you were to ask, “How is the holiness of God revealed?” the only right answer would be, “In everything he does.” Everything God thinks, desires, speaks and does is utterly holy in every way.

How to Have Tough Conversations With Students About Porn

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Talking about porn is awkward and difficult. It is an uncomfortable conversation, and is usually a very taboo topic in the church. But, it is an INCREDIBLY necessary conversation to have and be able to navigate well.

Studies disagree on the age most students first look at porn, some studies say age 11, while others say as early as age 8. Between the ages of 18-30 years old 79 percent of men and 76 percent of women say they look at porn at least once a month. That is only 3 percent less women than men, this is not just a guys issue folks, it affects all of our students. Studies show that 90 percent of teens are either encouraging, accepting or neutral when they talk to friends about porn. That means that only 1 out of 10 students sees something wrong with viewing pornography.

We see from the above statistics that the issue is widespread, but the reason it is an issue is because pornography is destructive.

It is destructive to the mind – Studies show viewing porn correlates with depression, anxiety, stress and social problems.

It is destructive to the heart – Sexual tastes and desires are skewed, people easily become disengaged with real life, and unable to connect in relationships.

It is destructive physiologically – There is a lot of overlap with the “destructive to the heart” point above. But basically porn has the potential to destroy future intimacy and ability to perform sexually.

It is destructive to the world – The DOJ and National Center for Missing and Exploited Children both recognize that porn is an element adding to the serious problem of sex trafficking.

(**statistics and information from Fight The New Drug, and Covenant Eyes)

We all agree that porn is a serous issue that needs to be dealt with. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean we, or our leaders, know how to have the conversation with students about porn. Often when the topic comes up, it is not dealt with. However, I am constantly running into adults who desperately wish it had been talked about when they were students in youth group instead of pushed aside or avoided. The hurt, shame, struggle and many instances of falling so very hard that could have been helped if youth workers were able to have that awkward conversation.

So, how do you have the convo?

Having the Convo…

1. Don’t sweep it under the rug

It is so easy to just dismiss the topic of porn when it comes up in your group. It is easy to sweep it under the rug, say you will talk about it later, or give a superficial answer just to avoid the awkward. But do not avoid it! Address it and allow for open conversation around the topic so students will feel comfortable sharing.

2. Be real and authentic

Don’t act like the issue of porn and lust is just a hypothetical. Be real with the students you are having a conversation with. Don’t act like you are perfect, that won’t connect with anyone. C.S. Lewis says it best, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”

3. Seek healing

When the conversation about porn is opened, point the convo toward healing, restoration and getting help. Don’t just acknowledge that it is a problem, help students get help and healing. Students need to know it is OK for them to be where they are, but it is not OK to stay there.

Walking With Students After the Convo…

1. Address the root

Deal with the heart of the issue, not just the action. If you are able to get a student to stop looking at porn for a week that is great, but if all you do is stop the action for a week, the next week they will make up for lost time. The act of looking at porn is only the fruit hanging on the tree. Even if you pull all the fruit off, the tree is still alive. It’s not an issue of action, it’s an issue of the heart.

Point your students to Jesus, He is the only one who has the ability to heal a heart. You cannot heal your student’s heart; your lead pastor cannot do it, their parents cannot do it, Jesus is the only one who can. Point them to Jesus and address the root of the issue, their heart.

2. Take steps to healing

One conversation will not be enough to help students break through the issue and addiction of pornography—it is a process. This process involves…

-Accountability

Be there for them, set them up with someone else who will be there for them, have the whole small group check in with one another, find ways to keep them accountable. If possible and the situation allows, get parents involved in helping keep their student accountable. They cannot do life alone.

-Resources

Utilize the resources available, apps, websites, books, etc. to help students and continue to equip yourself and your leaders.

3. Be present and consistent

Check up on that student/all of your students regularly. Your students need consistency and to know you aren’t going anywhere. Again, one conversation will not fix the problem, it is a problem that never goes away! Be present and consistent in their lives.

Also, know that relapses happen. Students will continue to fall into temptation and look at porn, and when they do, don’t be mad at them, allow your heart to break with them and for them. They don’t need your condemnation, they need compassion and someone who will continue to walk with them.

We all know it is a very, very difficult conversation, but it is a very necessary one. My encouragement to you and your leader is to not run from this issue, but to run to it in order to help your students through it. If you would like more help on this topic email Stokedonyouthministry@gmail.com

This article originally appeared here.

Making Strides Against the Opioid Crisis

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Last October, President Trump declared the opioid crisis a public health emergency. With the loss of 72,000 lives in 2017 due to an overdose of prescription drugs, our country is still firmly in the midst of an opioid epidemic, leaving many Americans wondering what to do and, most importantly, who to turn to for answers.

The difficult truth is that drug overdoses are currently our nation’s leading cause of accidental death. In an otherwise healthy country with widespread access to medical care, thousands are literally dying in their excess—losing their lives to drugs purchased out of dependency rather than dire need.

Deaths by drug overdose particularly pain us because they feel senseless. All around us, friends, family members and loved ones are slipping through the cracks of addiction, hiding from help and trying to cope with the effects of these deadly drugs all on their own.

After all, isn’t that the greatest lie? That we’re all alone? That no one understands?

Chris Eisele, president of Warren County Fire Chiefs’ Association in Ohio, alluded to one of the greatest challenges of the opioid crisis: “This epidemic,” he said, “It’s got no face.” People from all walks of life, economic backgrounds, professions and cultural contexts are finding themselves battling the bitterness of substance abuse and addiction. There’s no ‘type’ or typical victim—and, most importantly, everyone is in hiding.

It is into this environment—one ripe with shame and fear—that the church has the opportunity to walk and speak boldly.

First, with biblical truth

The nation of Israel was in a state of disrepair, immersed in sin and desperately in need of repentance. During this period, it was the prophet Isaiah who was chosen to speak God’s words of forbearance to this disobedient people.

Despite their shortcomings—no, really, they always fell short—the God of Israel had a plan of redemption in the works that was both bigger than they could ever imagine and better than they could ever deserve.

In Isaiah 35, the prophet described in detail what would happen upon the arrival of this coming Messiah:

“Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy. For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert.”

This Messiah, as it turns out, would be a master healer—one who freed individuals from the bondage of all sorts of infirmities. And that’s just what Jesus did. He attended to the sick, gave sight to the blind, and even raised the dead—there was no person too infected, too debilitated or too far gone for his healing touch. It is in Christ’s attitude toward the suffering in his day that we see the heart of God.

He was the Great Physician.

Looking at Scripture, it becomes clear that God cares deeply for the spiritual, emotional and physical well-being of people. As his faithful followers, we should do the same.

Second, with treatment programs

Amidst our nation’s opioid crisis, one of the ways we can care for those affected is through access to treatment and recovery support programs.

The church should be a place where substance abuse and addiction aren’t swept under the rug, but boldly and lovingly confronted. Followers of Jesus—whether they be pastors or laypeople—should take seriously their duty to connect individuals with the resources they need to find healing.

Study after study have demonstrated the effectiveness of faith-based addiction recovery support efforts in rehabilitation centers everywhere. Drug and alcohol abuse don’t just affect people physically—if they did, doctors, nurses and simple medications alone could rid this whole earth of addiction without delay. But as most know, addictions to opioids and other substances have an inherently spiritual component—one that can’t be adequately addressed from the confines of a hospital bed.

Faith-based treatment programs aren’t just solution, they are a key solution to helping individuals confront and beat the root cause of addiction once and for all.

Steven Mosma, professor of political science at Pepperdine University has studied the effectiveness of faith-based social programs coming to the conclusion that “faith-based programs working with people who experience social ills will bring with them an added resource and degree of effectiveness that secular programs do not have.” Professor Mosma cites studies performed on the effectiveness of one particular faith-based rehabilitation program: Adult & Teen Challenge USA.

Adult and Teen Challenge USA is a nationwide, faith-based group dedicated to providing individuals with a “holistic model of drug and alcohol recovery.” Convinced that a restored relationship with Jesus Christ is central to the healing process, folks at this organization work diligently to teach program participants about the God of healing who created and loves them.

On Teen Challenge’s website, resources are available to help connect students and adults struggling with addiction to programs nearest to them.

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween? 11 Ministry Leaders Answer the Question

Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?
Screengrabs: YouTube

Witches, ghouls and ghosts? Or an opportunity to open your door to your neighbor? The holiday with a bad rep is almost here. Eleven pastors answer the question: Should Christians Celebrate Halloween? Can there be such a thing as a Christian Halloween?

1. Craig Groeschel on Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?

2. Matt Chandler on Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?

“Jesus created joy. Jesus created celebratory events. Jesus created laughter. Those things should be redeemed and used for Jesus. Now, there are obvious things you don’t want to take part in or that are sinfully beyond redemption. Dressing up inappropriately, taking part in anything demonic (Ouija boards, séances, etc.) and sexual, drunken debauchery would all be wrong.

But to simply laugh with friends, dress up and eat candy is not wrong. However, don’t violate your conscience. If you are uncomfortable with taking part in Halloween, then feel free to abstain. God doesn’t want you to do something you cannot do in faith (Rom. 14:23), but don’t judge those who do participate out of a good conscience. Although you “can” celebrate Halloween, it doesn’t mean that you necessarily ‘should’ or ‘have to.’ Allow the Lord to lead Christians in their own consciences regarding this holiday.”

Read more about “Redeeming Halloween” here.

3. Jamie Morgan on Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?

“Setting aside a day to celebrate evil, darkness, witchcraft, fear, death and the demonic brings disdain to God. Period. A Christian celebrating Halloween would be like a Satan worshiper putting up a nativity scene at Christmas while singing, “Happy Birthday, Jesus!” The two just don’t go together. Jesus has nothing in common with Satan (2 Cor. 6:14), and neither should we.

So, what did we do instead? Hide in the basement with the lights off? Hustle the family out of the house? No, darkened homes are the enemy’s victory! Where does your light shine the brightest … in the darkness!”

4. Bianca Juarez Olthoff on Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?



5. Albert Mohler on Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?

“Christian parents should make careful decisions based on a biblically-informed Christian conscience. Some Halloween practices are clearly out of bounds, others may be strategically transformed, but this takes hard work and may meet with mixed success.

The coming of Halloween is a good time for Christians to remember that evil spirits are real and that the Devil will seize every opportunity to trumpet his own celebrity. Perhaps the best response to the Devil at Halloween is that offered by Martin Luther, the great Reformer: “The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him for he cannot bear scorn.”

On October 31, 1517, Martin Luther began the Reformation with a declaration that the church must be recalled to the authority of God’s Word and the purity of biblical doctrine. With this in mind, the best Christian response to Halloween might be to scorn the Devil and then pray for the Reformation of Christ’s church on earth. Let’s put the dark side on the defensive.”

A Man of Constant Sorrow

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Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us place laughter and happiness among the highest virtues of life and equate sorrow and grief with disagreeable weakness and unnecessary desperation. The fact that we don’t know what to say to those who are sorrowful reveals more about our attempts to evade it than it does about our own unpreparedness to speak to it. No one seeks out sorrow. Our culture frowns on it. The church seeks to shake it off. Even our professional counselors have trained themselves to laugh their way through it. On the one hand, there is something supremely right about the urge to evade a sorrowful life. We only experience sorrow on account of the fall. Viewed from that side, it is natively undesirable. On the other hand, there is something supremely wrong about seeking to suppress the sorrows of life. So much of living as sinners in a fallen world is facing the consequences of that sin in the experiences that weigh on our souls. Most shocking of all is that the sinless Savior of the world took to himself the title Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3). Sorrow is one of the most burdensome experiences of life—therefore, it is fitting that the one who came into the world to bear our sorrows and carry our griefs experienced the deepest sorrow and grief in his soul.

Those who experience sorrow and grief inevitably do one of two things when it wells up within their souls: Either they refuse to open up to others about it or they seek the sympathy of others to help them press through it. We see both of these things played out in the experience of the Savior. Hugh Martin once explained, “Jesus did not usually tell His grief. He had ever been a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. But He had been well accustomed to bear His griefs in secret, and seldom sought relief from making others privy to them.” This was the normal course for the Savior throughout his life. We don’t find him opening up about the hurt that he experienced in his home in Nazareth. No doubt, his brothers (who did not believe in him until after his resurrection) mocked and derided him throughout his childhood. After all, sinners love other sinners who make them feel good about their sin (Prov. 4:16; Rom. 1:32; 2 Cor. 10:12). From his birth, Jesus was without sin. We know nothing of the pain in the heart of the Savior when he was scorned by others in the community. No doubt he subjected himself to the disparaging comments of youth and adults with whom he rubbed shoulders every day. Throughout his public ministry, both the people and the leaders in Israel mocked, scorned, derided, plotted against and falsely accused Jesus. Yet, we never find him opening up about the pain that he experienced on account of the wicked treatment of others.

There is a breaking point in the lives of all those who experience sorrow—a point at which they can no longer hold it in. Jesus came to this point in the Garden of Gethsemane. Hugh Martin explained the expressive breaking out of the sorrow of Jesus in the Garden when he wrote, “Now His soul is filled with sorrow to overflowing, and so it bursts forth, and is poured into the bosoms of His friends. He can conceal His anguish no more.” Matthew tells us that once Jesus entered the Garden to begin the sufferings for which he had come into the world, “he began to be sorrowful and troubled” (Matt. 26:37). Turning to his disciples, Jesus said, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me” (26:38). He needed their friendship at this point. The sorrow was unbearably heavy. The weight of what he was about to experience when he took the guilt and shame of the sin of His people upon himself was intolerable. The sorrow welling up in the soul of the Savior was unparalleled, at this moment. As Martin rightly insisted, “Sorrow seeks sympathy when it will conceal no more; and the man of sorrows was in all things like His brethren. The relief which pouring His anguish into their bosom could bring—even this was precious to Him in the crisis of his sore affliction!”

Jesus would carry this burden without the support or relief of his fellow men. An angel would be sent by God to strengthen him in his hour of greatest sorrow and anguish of soul. There is something deeply wrong about his friend forsaking him in his hour of greatest need, and, there is something deeply right about him pressing through the agony without the help of another. Jesus needed the support of friends. A single friend showing sympathy and empathy in a moment of sorrow and grief lightens the burden experienced in the soul to an inestimable degree. The disciples would not extend that mercy to him as he entered in on his sufferings. They, instead, chose to sleep their way through his agony of sorrow (Matt. 26:40, 43, 45).

Jesus, however, needed to press through the sorrow alone. He came as the captain of our salvation. He and he alone could accomplish the work set before him by his Father. No one could help him bear the wrath that was symbolized by cup in the Garden. He would have to drink that cup alone. The sorrow and the agony that he experienced in his soul was a sorrow produced exclusively by the sin of man; and, therefore, no man could help support him through it. No one has ever experienced the aloneness of sorrow like Jesus. Reflecting on the aloneness of Jesus in his moment of greatest sorrow, Eric Alexander wrote, “As He moved out into the no-man’s land of human sin and shame, and the agony of bearing the burden of it, the spiritual distance was infinite.” Jesus would have to drink the cup of wrath that weighed his soul down with sorrow all by himself—without any support from his friends. Alexander again noted,

Be a Fearless Woman in Ministry

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In that moment, all I wanted to do was quit.

All eyes were on me, a woman in ministry, during the yearly evaluation at my church. I listened, helplessly, as my peers and employers critiqued the job I was doing.

You’re good at that, but you need to work on this.

Don’t do that again.  

We don’t like it when you do this. Can you do more of this instead?

The list of comments grew and grew. I know there had to be some positive ones, but the negatives echoed in my head.

What I was really hearing was: You’re not good enough. We don’t like you. You stink.

I remember coming home and collapsing into my husband’s arms, sobbing, and telling him that I didn’t want to go back. Being a woman in ministry was not supposed to be like this. If I had been truly called by God, I shouldn’t have to endure hurtful words. I am trying my best so why is it not good enough for some people?

If this is what ministry is going to be like, then I wanted out.

Seventeen years have passed since I first began working in the ministry. Though my self-doubt and insecurities have evolved as a fruit of my experience, it would be dishonest to pretend I have stopped feeling the same fear and dread of criticism. At times, fear in particular has consumed my thoughts. It has even prevented me from stepping out in faith when God has called me to act.

I felt like Paul did in 2 Corinthians 11:28 when he said: “And besides other things, I am under daily pressure because of my anxiety for all the churches.”

When I first read this passage, I screamed out, “Yes, Lord!” This is how I feel.

I want the job I do for the Lord to be perfect. I want everyone to like me. I want everyone to think I do a good job. I want it to be easy without any roadblocks or hurdles that I have to jump over. I want to have lots of friends and be happy all the time. I want ministry life to be fun and carefree, not laced with the fears that have crippled me over the past 17 years.

Life of being a woman in ministry hasn’t been and won’t be perfect for me or for you. It won’t be free from hardships. God doesn’t call us to serve Him because it’s easy. In fact, He never promises that it will be. He just asks us to come and follow Him.

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul writes to the church at Corinth about speaking the truth about Jesus and being grateful for the trials he has had to endure. He even says, “So I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me” (verse 9).

Who wants to boast about their weaknesses? Who even likes to admit they are weak? I know I don’t. The fears I have experienced have weakened me. They have made me feel that I can’t do anything.

But, here is what I have learned over the past few years: I am not alone in my fears. I have encountered others who have the same fears of serving the Lord.

I once led a workshop called “Being a Woman in the Ministry.” This session focused on how women seem to build a wall of fear that prevents them from serving God faithfully. In this session, we built a wall of our fears using paper bricks. The women wrote down their fears on the bricks and we hung them on the wall. I was amazed to see this huge wall of fears. It was then that I realized I am not alone in this fearing God thing. God has brought me out of the darkness of fear into the light of His provision and calling.

You don’t have to be afraid of doing what God has called you to do because Jesus is right there with you. Cry out to God and ask Him to rise up against the enemy who has held you hostage to fear and hasn’t allowed you to break free. Take the hand of Jesus and let Him lead you out into the light.

A Bible verse that has spoken greatly to me as I have faced my fears of serving God comes from Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV):

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Be that tree! Plant your roots deeply in God so when you serve Him, the fear that the devil throws at you will not bring you down. Stand strong on God’s promises and be victorious over fear. Be free so you can bear fruit for the Lord and be a woman that boldly steps out and serves God. And that means letting go of the fear that keeps you hidden in the dark.

Excerpted from: Rise Up: Choosing Faith over Fear in Christian Ministry

Rise Up: Choosing Faith Over Fear in Christian Ministry

 

Don’t miss Vanessa Myers’ new book Rise Up: Choosing Faith Over Fear in Christian Ministry. 

How Christian Leaders Should, and Should Not, Speak in This Kavanaugh Moment

Brett Kavanaugh
Wikimedia Commons

We’ve all seen them. Accusations. Denials. A nation divided. Social media upheaval.

It’s not new. In fact, to some it may be getting so disturbingly ‘normal’ that they have tuned out.

This time we are dealing with accusations against Supreme Court nominee and judge Brett Kavanaugh. At a time when the dam continues to break on decades of sexual assault and harassment allegations, the political import of the nomination has taken an already challenging issue and supercharged it with political tribalism.

The result is that many church leaders are unsure how to respond. Yet this is precisely the time when pastors and ministry leaders need to stand with courage in leading their people.

The question is: leading them to where?

So how do we respond? Or, for that matter, should we?

Scrolling through my twitter feed, I see a nation and church divided. Do we speak out on issues such as the accusations against Judge Kavanaugh or in defense of his accusers, Professor Ford or Deborah Ramirez?

Or do we keep silent?

How can we spiritually lead our people struggling to respond in a culture charged by political polarization and fed a diet of cable news and social media?

Let me share just a few considerations for church leaders navigating this issue.

First, you don’t have to say anything, and that may be the right decision.

We live at a time that unless leaders instantly respond to current events on social media, they are hiding or ignoring the issue. There is a sense that we have to speak into everything. The truth is we just don’t.

You are not a senator. You are a Christian leader. You have a calling to lead your congregation, not to comment on the news. Don’t demean the importance of the former in favor of an impulse toward the latter.

Honestly, what you say about it, one way or another, simply will not make that much of a difference to the vote. However, it may make a difference in your ministry.

For cases when you believe it is necessary to comment, don’t buy into the public pressure for immediate reaction. So often things are unclear when news is emerging and we should be cautious of speaking in absolutes.

Here’s What You Need to Know About #WhyIDidntReport

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With the recent media cycle stuck on the alleged sexual misconduct by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, many are asking a valid question: Why do some women wait so long to disclose abuse? To answer this, two Christian women, Beth Moore and Jules Woodson, have shared their thoughts on the subject—thoughts that come from personal experience.

“Not only was my abuser in a position of power and authority over me, but he was deeply loved by everyone in our church, adults and peers alike. What would happen if my abuser denied the truth?” Woodson writes in an article published on Religion News Service.

Jules Woodson Explains #WhyIDidntReport

Earlier this year, Woodson shared her story of sexual abuse at the hands of her then youth pastor, Andy Savage.

While Savage admitted his transgressions after a period of reflection while being placed on a leave of absence from Highpoint Church in Memphis, Tennessee, it took Woodson 20 years to be able to come to the point of saying something publicly. Savage eventually chose to resign from his ministry position. Woodson explains:

I was sexually assaulted by my youth pastor when I was 17. Though I reported the abuse to my associate pastor within 24 hours, the police were never contacted.

Before I had even finished telling my pastor all the details of my abuse, he interrupted me.

“So, you’re telling me you participated?” he asked. He then advised me not to speak with anyone else about what had happened.

I followed his advice for 20 years and kept silent.

Woodson offers some common reasons she stayed silent and has learned other survivors stay silent. Shame is a big factor, she says.

Shame is humiliating and isolating. I felt disgusted with myself—dirty, unworthy and unlovable. This feeling led to self-doubt and blame. I began to question whether I might somehow be responsible for the actions of my abuser. These feelings only intensified after speaking with my pastor who insinuated I was culpable in my assault.

Another factor is the fear of not being believed. Since Savage was so well liked in their church community, Woodson could not imagine her word (coming from a then-17-year-old) would be believed over his (Savage was 22 at the time).

Survivors also fear retaliation from their abusers, Woodson explains. “Survivors might be afraid for their personal safety or that their abusers could threaten their financial stability. Coming forward could cause survivors to lose their jobs—or to be sued.” In addition to this concern, they also fear the loss of personal relationships—with those close to them and perhaps even with the abuser him- or herself. “People will take sides—and that can cause victims to be cut off from those they love. Victims often already feel isolated and ashamed because of the abuse. Coming forward can make that worse as friends and family withdraw from victims,” Woodson writes.

Millennials Are Killing an ‘Industry’ That Actually Needs to Die

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With the divorce rate at a 40-year low, researchers looking for reasons now point to an unlikely source: young adults. According to new data, Americans under the age of 45 are more choosy about their partners and are marrying later in life. This is especially true of Millennials, who are known for being cautious in general.

By analyzing U.S. Census information, sociology professor Philip Cohen found that America’s divorce rate fell 18 percent from 2008 to 2016. When data were controlled for factors such as age, the divorce rate still fell 8 percent.

Younger women are playing an especially important role in this trend, Cohen says, because by the time they marry they’re now more likely to be 25 or older and to have at least a bachelor’s degree. “The trend in new marriages is toward those with lower divorce risks,” Cohen says. “The composition of new marriages, along with the shrinking demographic influence of Baby Boom cohorts, all but guarantees falling divorce rates in the coming years.”

divorce decline
Cohen, P. N. (2018, September 15). The Coming Divorce Decline. https://doi.org/10.31235/osf.io/h2sk6

Millennial Divorce Rate Vs. Baby Boomer Divorce Rate

As a generation, Baby Boomers tended to marry young and to divorce and remarry often. They continue divorcing and remarrying even into their 60s and 70s, a phenomenon known as “gray divorce.” Boomers are still divorcing at higher rates than their predecessors did at that age, Cohen says.

The sociologist also notes that fewer young people are getting married—and that marriage is becoming more exclusive. Tying the knot is now more of “an achievement of status, rather than something that people do regardless of” their life situation, Cohen says.

What Factors Contribute to the Lower Millennial Divorce Rate?

Socioeconomic status has become an important factor in whether people get and stay married, researchers are finding. Americans who are relatively wealthier and more educated are more likely to head to the altar, and money and education both have been shown to protect couples against divorce.

“It’s really difficult to have a productive, happy marriage when your life circumstances are so stressful and when your day-to-day life involves, say, three or four bus routes in order to get to your job,” says psychologist Eli Finkel.

In general, poorer and less educated people tend to choose cohabitation rather than marriage, and live-in relationships are usually less stable than wedlock. A 2017 study by the Pew Research Center found that of the 18 million Americans who cohabitate, half are under the age of 35. The number of people living together before marriage in the United States increased 29 percent between 2007 and 2016.

The most common age for marriage, as of last year, was 27 for U.S. women and 29 for U.S. men. The divorce rate for couples who are college graduates is about 30 percent, compared to more than 50 percent for spouses who didn’t complete high school.

There Are Pros and Cons…

Grant Skeldon, a 28-year-old ministry leader in Texas, told ChurchLeaders his generation has “seen a ton of divorce from our parents and grandparents, so we want to make the right decision” when it comes to marriage. Most Millennials still want and expect to get married someday, he says, but there just isn’t a “rush to get to the altar.”

Skeldon, the author of the upcoming book The Passion Generation, adds, “The problem is, there’s a point in their late 20s when everyone else seems to be getting married, so it’s easy to fall into the trap of rushing the decision and settling for a relationship that could work.”

A problem with later marriages—for couples as well as for society—is the selfishness factor, according to Skeldon. “The longer [young adults] take to get married, the longer we get to consider our needs and wants first,” he says. “Marriage and kids are the left lane of sanctification. They have some incredible benefits, but one inevitable byproduct is that they force your hand in the selflessness category. You no longer can consider yourself alone. You must consider everything through the lens of your family and make decisions very differently.”

Les Parrott: Lowering the Divorce Rate in the Church by One Third

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Dr. Les Parrott is a professor of psychology at Northwest University. He and his wife, Leslie, speak to a wide variety of audiences on the topic of marriage. The Governor of Oklahoma appointed the Parrotts as the first ever statewide Marriage Ambassadors. The Commander of the 2nd Battalion, 5th Marines, invited them to assist his soldiers with re-entry into family life upon returning from Iraq. 

In addition to speaking at seminars, Les is the author of several books including Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

Key Questions for Les Parrott:

– What are the trends you’ve seen on how pastors are handling marriage ministry?
– What topics have you found are crucial for husbands and wives to discuss?
– How are you proposing to lower the divorce rate in the church?

[SUBSCRIBE] For more ChurchLeaders podcasts click here!

Key Quotes from the Interview:

“If you want to love like Jesus, you’ve got to be mindful, in other words, you’ve got to set your own agenda aside, temporarily, and see what other people don’t see.”

“Our [big goal] in our ministry for many years now has been to see the divorce rate lowered in churches by a third in our lifetime.”

“Every single percentage point that we drop the divorce rate, the lives of more than a million children are positively impacted.”

“You can almost guarantee to lower a couple’s chances of divorce by 31 percent by…bringing [certain] topics to the forefront with them. If you spend a minimum of five to six hours going through with them…we know from research their chances of divorce drop by 31 percent…and their level of contentment and happiness increases by at least 30 percent.”

“We never had marriage counseling, but we spent the first year of our marriage in therapy.”

“Pre-marriage ministry is one of the great untapped portals for evangelism in the church today.”

“Most people don’t realize how you experience time is different than how your spouse does.”

Links Mentioned by Les Parrott in the Show:

Love Like That by Dr. Les Parrott

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

SYMBIS Assessment

Les Parrott: Helping Save Marriages Before They Start

When Your Wife Is a Bully

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I received a message on Facebook this morning from a man who is suffering in secret. He is part of a large-but-invisible fraternity to which he never wanted to be a member. He’s among the countless men who have a bullying or abusive wife.

My wife, Ashley, and I talk openly about abuse in marriage, but the topic of abuse we typically discuss is the physical or emotional abuse husbands can inflict on wives. Most of the culture’s conversation around abuse follows this same narrative. Certainly, there are statistical and practical reasons to talk more about marital abuse against women, but we must also recognize that many men are suffering.

When You Have an Abusive Wife

When a man feels bullied or abused in marriage, he often feels complex emotions which include pain inflicted by his wife’s behavior plus shame and isolation, because he feels like his very manhood has been stolen from him. For a man to confess to anyone that he’s being bullied or abused in marriage requires an enormous amount of vulnerability. There’s a stigma attached to abused men which can carry the unfair assumption that “If you were a ‘real man’ then nobody would be able to abuse you or mistreat you. There must be something wrong with you.”

ALL abuse victims (male and female) carry many complex emotions and hurts. Victim shaming certainly occurs in both genders and it needs to stop altogether. We must develop more compassion so victims of any form of abuse or bullying in marriage will have the courage to step out of the shadows and share their stories.

Every situation is unique and there’s a very broad spectrum of controlling and/or abusive behaviors, so it’s difficult to prescribe a one-size-fits-all menu of options. To create some specific categories, I’m going to outline four forms of bullying and/or abuse in marriage and offer some insight into each of these three. For the purposes of this article, these examples will all be directed to abusive wives and abused husbands. We have other articles and resources which talk about the reverse scenario of abused wives and abusive husbands.

Four categories of abusive and/or controlling wives and how to respond:

1. The Bullying (and/or Controlling) Wife

The need to control usually stems from deeper issues. If you are a husband married to a wife who is bullying or obsessively controlling, the most helpful resource I could suggest as a first step is a book called Boundaries by Drs. John Townsend and Henry Cloud. You need to establish some loving but firm boundaries with your wife to let her know that her behavior is undermining the sacred partnership of the marriage, and if it continues unchanged, the marriage itself is in danger of unraveling. Know that in some cases, a wife who has a need to control or bully is herself dealing with emotional scars and/or physical health issues. Seeking counseling and medical help to rule out any underlying psychological, hormonal or physical issues might help solve some of the negative behavior. There are times when a wife is caught up in the habit of control and she’s blind to it. She doesn’t even know she’s doing it. Again, the book Boundaries along with marriage counseling could be a healthy way to help her see clearly that her behavior is hurtful.

2. The Physically Abusive Wife

When any form of physical abuse is happening in marriage, a massive line has been crossed and immediate action needs to be taken to ensure safety. Unfortunately, there is a stigma most men feel that keep them from reporting this physical abuse, but men need to have the courage to report it. In admitting the abuse, a man isn’t becoming less of a man. He’s being more of a man by getting the help he needs and getting his abusive wife the help she needs. Physical abuse is a sign that a marriage is out of control and can only be saved with intervention, so get the intervention you need.

3. The Verbally Abusive Wife

When a wife’s words are a stream of negativity and criticism, it can make a man feel like his very soul is being crushed. In some ways, verbal abuse hurts more and leaves deeper scars than physical abuse. If your wife is spewing venom with her words, the book Boundaries I recommended above could help in this situation too. Counseling is also a good option. One piece of advice you may have never considered is to secretly record your wife and get audio and video evidence of her abusive words. Once you have the evidence, show it to her. Don’t start a fight with it; simply say, “It hurts me the way you talk to me. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt in believing you don’t realize how you’re communicating to me, but here’s the hard truth. If you’re not willing to make changes or get counseling, I’m going to show this video to some of our loved ones and see if their intervention can convince you to get help. Either way, we’re not going to keep living like this.”

4. The Addicted Wife

Often abuse is just a manifestation of addiction. Once drugs, alcohol or other substances have hijacked a person’s mind, that person has lost control. If your wife is addicted, get her the help she needs. By any means, whether it takes an intervention or driving her against her will to a place where she can get help, take drastic action. Ashley and I have written and spoken in much more detail on issues surrounding addiction in marriage and you can find those resources at MarriageToday.com.

Here’s the bottom line, if there’s abuse or bullying of any kind happening in your marriage, don’t lose hope. Don’t settle for the status quo. Take action including the actions listed in this article. We are praying for you. Get the help you need.

This article originally appeared here.

5 Money Shifts Every Church Should Make

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Americans are giving more to charity now than ever before. $410 billion in 2017, a 5 percent increase over the previous year and the highest amount ever. Charitable giving is up across multiple income levels and in most demographics.

People are Giving Less and Less to the Church

Only 32 percent of the total given to charities goes to a local church, and that number has steadily declined over the last two decades. Giving to churches is down across the board.

You can dive deeper into these numbers by reading this Blackbaud report, but here’s what it means for your church.

People are diversifying their giving, prioritizing other nonprofits over their local church. They are giving to the humane society, GoFundMe campaigns and fundraisers for chorus trips.

This poses a fresh challenge.

When it comes to money and the church, things are changing.

Churches who are on the front end of this change will be poised to grow, while churches who neglect these shifts may start or continue to struggle with financial health.

Here are the five shifts that I think leaders need to make in regard to how we talk about money in the church.

#1 – Shift from just preaching on giving to preaching on money.

When you think about preaching a sermon on money, what topics come to mind?

We asked pastors to share their actual money sermons and then analyzed them for content.

Eighty-three percent of the messages were focused on giving.

Even when broader topics like stewardship, contentment or financial health were mentioned, the lion share of these messages made giving the foundational topic or the clear call to action. These weren’t money sermons; they were giving sermons.

There is nothing wrong with preaching a giving sermon, and generosity is certainly an important component of being a good steward. But preaching on giving is not the same as preaching on money.

If you want to lead a financially healthy church, you must address broader money topics than just giving. Definitely keep preaching on giving, just don’t forget to preach on money.

Your sermons on money must provide practical and tangible help. You need to talk about spending, debt, contentment, saving, stewardship, communication, faith, trust and so much more. People need help and hope, not just a challenge to give money to the church or advice on how to get out debt.

When you adopt a helpful posture like this, you don’t have to apologize for talking about money in church.

The people in your church are bombarded with unhealthy financial advice. They are marketed to by every facet of society. Unless they have a Christian financial planner, they won’t hear about wisdom with money anywhere else.

If you don’t talk about wise financial principles, who will?

That’s why our team is working on practical financial tools to help you teach wise financial principals to your church.

There’s so much more than “give the tithe” and “get out of debt.” The churches who help their people be wise with money will be much better positioned for financial health.

#2 – Giving means more than giving money.

When you say the word “giving” in your church, what do you mean?

Most pastors, particularly Gen-X or older, mean financial giving.

But that’s not what everybody, particular Millennials, hear.

The Generosity Gap, a research study from Barna Study, released in conjunction with Thrivent, highlights the generosity gap that exists in churches.

Giving means different things to different people. Let me just highlight a few findings of the report, which is certainly worth studying.

  • Financial giving ranks third on Christian’s list of most generous actions. For Millennials, it’s even lower. They rank hospitality as the most important act of generosity. That means when you talk about giving and generosity, people aren’t necessarily thinking about money.
  • When people were asked “what’s the most generous thing a person could do?” people ranked “taking care of someone who is sick” much higher than “donating $40 to an organization.” Again, more and more people are not equating generosity with finances.
  • Is it OK for church members to volunteer for their church instead of giving financially? Sixty-seven percent of pastors strongly disagree. But 40 percent of Christians strongly or slightly agree. In other words, there’s a big gap.

What does this mean for churches?

First, we need to use clear language. When we’re talking about financial generosity, we need better words than “give” or “support.” Consider the words you use and make sure they mean what they think you mean.

Secondly, we need to recognize that people are looking for broad ways to support organizations they care about. The research shows the people who give most financially are also most likely to serve or volunteer. Don’t limit giving choices to finances; look for ways to expand your approach.

#3 – Take care of your existing donors before you worry about attracting new donors.

How can we get more people to give?

That’s a common question we hear from many of the churches we serve. It’s not a bad question.

When it comes to church giving, the 80/20 principle holds true. Twenty percent of your people give 80 percent of all that is given to the church. That means there are a lot of people connected to your church who are not financially supporting the church.

They are attending. But they are not supporting, at least financially.

So it’s beneficial to develop a strategy to encourage people to cross the line of generosity.

But the very first thing you should do if you want more people to engage in giving to your church is develop a robust strategy of care for your existing donors.

It sounds counter intuitive, but the way you reach new people in this area is to serve your existing donors.

I’m not talking about the occasional mass thank you email or including some pictures with the year-end giving statement. I’m talking about a serious donor care strategy.

What specific things can you to do care for your donors?

  • Start saying thank you immediately. Most people provide receipts and miss the first opportunity to connect a gift to the mission.
  • Communicate regularly with your donor base. Communication is a form of appreciation. Talk to your donor segment differently than you talk to the rest of your church.
  • Send gifts. Coffee mugs with your church logo or books that have been meaningful to your own faith are affordable and meaningful ways to say thank you to the people who support the church.
  • Host a donor appreciation event. Bring in a speaker or throw a party. Don’t be afraid to do it well.
  • Send hand written thank you notes. In a world of tweets and likes, old-school communication stands out. You can do this when someone gives for the first time, when someone gives an unusual gift, or for no particular reason at all.
  • Make sure every donor has a “pastor.” A good pastor shepherds people, so make sure everyone who financially supports the church has someone who checks on their life, family and faith.

If you want to know more, download the free Senior Pastor’s Guide to Stewardship. It will walk you through several pastoral approaches to talking about money and managing money in a church setting.

#4 – Your church needs a funding plan as much as it needs a spending plan.

Once a year, finance teams and ministry leaders embark on a process of updating the budget for the new year.

Every church is different, but it’s not unusual for two or three months of reports, requisitions, comparisons and planning to be debated, crunched and ultimately presented to the congregation.

A lot of work goes into making a budget, the document that shows how all this money is planned to be spent.

You know what’s an afterthought in many churches?

Where the money is going to come from.

What would happen if we shifted some of the time spent on the budgeting process into time spent discussing funding options?

What would happen if your financial leaders took a posture of facilitating financial growth in addition to the posture of being guardrails to spending?

Finance teams need to have a perspective and give input on the revenue side of things, not simply serve as a watchdog of expenses.

This isn’t the job of most finance committees, but there are probably people in your church who could help you here. Find people with a growth mindset to help you process ideas and make real plans to facilitate generosity in your church.

If you’re a Church Fuel member, you’ll find an Annual Funding Plan template and a coaching video you can watch with your team. Just follow the plans we lay out for you and you’ll move your church forward in a big way.

Working on a funding plan is an important exercise that will help you proactively meet or exceed the budget.

#5 – More shifts are coming. 

In the coming years, we will continue to see shifts in generosity in culture and in the church. That’s why the biggest shift you could make in your church is to prepare for uncertainty.

Many churches will see their financial base motivated to give to other (and more personal) causes, and harder preaching likely won’t change the patterns.

Alternative funding models will become more important to many churches as they consider ways to remain financially strong in the wake of decentralized generosity. Leaders will look for new ways to generate revenue from their facility or alternative funding strategies to pay staff.

There’s not a one-size-fits-all approach here but an imperative to stay open. There’s not a cause for fear, but there’s a greater reason to stay tuned into the trends and respond with strategy.

In the coming years, we will see more shifts, and the churches that are flexible and responsive will not only stay healthy but thrive.

What’s Next?

Feel like your church should be more financially healthy?

Ultimately, the financial situation in your church is up to God. It’s His church and you’re a steward. But He chooses to work through people and entrusts us to lead well.

This article originally appeared here.

Have We Created a Youth Ministry Monster?

thank you notes for children’s ministry volunteers

When I was a little kid I would watch the old Frankenstein movie. It scared me but I loved watching it. You are familiar with the story where Dr. Frankenstein created a monster. The doctor set out to create life, in his mind he was attempting to do something good. What he intended for good ended up becoming a monster.

I think that sometimes in the church we create something with good intentions, but it becomes ineffective at the least and a monster at the worst.

When our church doesn’t have a clearly defined purpose and vision we end up going in multiple directions rather than that one direction the church should be focused on.

In the creation of doing so many different ministries or missions in our church that aren’t all connected to our purpose and vision we end up creating a monster. How? How can a ministry or mission be wrong for our church?

Sometimes we create more ministries/missions than we can actually handle. The singular focus of the church’s purpose or direction is replaced by multiple directions.
The result:

Confusion. The church isn’t sure exactly what the church’s purpose or direction is. When our people don’t know the direction, they get confused because they look and see so many directions they are not sure where they fit in serving. There is no clear focus.

Frustration. Let’s pretend the church is in a giant canoe going down the river. The guide (the pastor) in the back knows the direction they are going. The canoe comes to a point where river divides in six different directions. The guide doesn’t clearly say take the second one from the right. He just keeps paddling. The others rowing in the canoe don’t know which direction to go. They see so many choices of direction but aren’t clear. The people in the canoe become frustrated.

Burn Out. A church member has the desire to serve and sees so many different directions they tend to jump in and serve in as many places as they possibly can. Eventually they get tired and start dropping out of ministries and potentially quit serving altogether because of the confusion and frustration. If our church knows our direction and it’s communicated clearly, and our members, knowing how God has wired them to serve, plug into the ministry that fits them best and is focused on the direction of the church, it brings them satisfaction and joy instead of confusion, frustration and burn out.

When we focus on that singular direction, we are now taking 100 percent of our members’ energy and moving forward together in unity. When we are divided in direction we divide up our members’ serving and energy. I would rather have a member 100 percent focused in one ministry than doing 30 percent in three different ministries.

Are there ministries or missions in our church that don’t fit our vision and purpose (our direction)?

What steps do we need to take to move toward a central focus and stronger unity in our church?

If the direction of the church isn’t clear, what needs to happen to clarify?

Will we have to kill off some ministries and missions?

Does your church have any “monsters”?

This article originally appeared here.

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