Reverend Anthony Thompson is the pastor of Holy Trinity Reformed Episcopal Church of Charleston. The Reverend Thompson was married to the late Myra Thompson. They have three children and six grandchildren.
Key Questions for Anthony Thompson
– How did you respond to those who suggested your forgiveness of Dylann Roof was hasty?
– How did the community of Charleston react to the Emanuel AME shooting compared to other communities that have endured similar violence?
– What can ministers do to help their congregations strive for racial reconciliation?
Key Quotes from Anthony Thompson
“He may have murdered my wife, but I’m just as much a sinner as he is. Christ died for his sins; if Christ died for my sins, he died for his, too.”
“That peace that passes understanding is very, very real. I’ve preached it several times and I wrote about forgiveness several times in my sermons, but never once did I experience that peace until [I forgave Dylann Roof in court].”
“Everything left my body, the anger, the hate, the rage, the loss I had for my wife–he just took it all, and I felt it leaving my body. I was literally shaking and after that, I experienced that peace that passes all understanding in Christ Jesus. And believe me, I have that peace right now today. God is real; God is awesome; He’s magnificent. He can do those things in your life like that if you’ll just be obedient to what he says.”
“Forgiveness is the ultimate act of love.”
“You have to look beyond feelings. If your feelings get involved, you’re not going to forgive. You’re going to hate; you’re going to have a grudge and malice in your heart.”
“What I did was an act of obedience. God made that happen for me.”
“When you act with violence, you’re going to get violence. The Bible says you reap what you sow.”
“That forgiveness brought forgiveness. That forgiveness brought peace. That forgiveness is bringing reconciliation. Whereas the violence that happened in other cities brought violence, brought hate, and it just multiplied and escalated.”
“Pastors need to, first of all, get with other pastors so they can talk about what they need to carry to their congregation.”
“We need to start that conversation as people and not as color. It has to begin in the church.”
“I would like all pastors, regardless of what race or culture, to get their congregation to start in their families, wherever you live, go knock on your neighbor’s door.”
Some things are no-brainers when evaluating your church staff:
Spiritual maturity (person of prayer, biblical knowledge, compassion, etc…)
Loyalty
Commitment to your church’s mission and vision
Competence
Emotional Intelligence
In today’s edition of the USA Today, Chuck Lorre, co-creator of The Big Bang Theory, was interviewed about the show’s success. If you are not familiar with the CBS sitcom, this show filmed 279 episodes over 12 seasons. The Big Bang Theory is television’s longest running sitcom filmed in front of a live studio audience.
I found Lorre’s comments very interesting and completely applicable to church staffs. If this type of culture can exist on a sitcom set, it should certainly be expected on a church staff as well.
The following are 5 Qualities Pastors Should Want in Their Church Staffs in addition to the five listed above.
Pastors Should Want Outliers – Pastors should hire the very best, most talented staff they possibly can. Lorre said, “Remarkably, we came along at a time when the audience wanted to see a show about characters that were outliers.”
Pastors Should Want Teambuilders and Proactive Staff Members Who Cultivate a Sense of Family and Belonging – “These were people who weren’t fitting in. And that sense of estrangement is something I think people identified with. You don’t have to be a prodigy to feel left out.”
Pastors Should Want a Talented Inner-Circle – John Maxwell is famous for The Law of the Inner-Circle which states, “Those closest to the leader determine the success of the leader.” Lorre on why the show was so popular for so long said, “It begins with the remarkable cast.”
Pastors Should Want Staff With Remarkable and Specific Skills Sets – Any smart leader focuses more on what a staff member can do rather than what they can’t do. Lorre added, “Each one of these characters as played by the actors is so endearing and remarkable and specific in their own way.”
Pastors Should Want No Drama From Their Staffs – Lorre on what he remembers most about the show said, “For 12 years, there was no drama. It was people coming to work every day, having a good time and looking out for each other. It was wonderful.”
What is one thing your staff can do from the list above which will improve your culture and better position you to accomplish your church’s mission and vision?
If we’re honest, it’s pretty easy to see the functional Great Commission in North America: Go into all the world and make more worship attenders, baptizing them in the name of small groups, and teaching them to volunteer a few times a month.
For all kinds of reasons, the words “church” and “growth” have become embarrassing when put side by side. Yet just because the lingo of the Church Growth Movement has departed from our lips doesn’t mean that the model isn’t still firmly rooted in our hearts and minds. Though the facade of church growth has been stripped off our institutions, the bones of the house are right where they’ve always been.
More than we’d like to admit, our default strategy for seeing people come to faith in Jesus begins and ends with pumping people through our priority programs. It’s the classic attractional mindset.
The [Functional] Great Commission of Churches in North America
And by the way, you can find it in every church—including those that wouldn’t be caught dead being associated with those “sell-out” attractional churches and also in those that simply aren’t attracting people very well.
Desperate for a measure that matters
Ask yourself this question: Why do people come to your church (or any church)? Most likely, it’s for:
Place: the beauty, convenience or sentimental attachments of the place
Personality: affection for a leader
Program: what they (or more likely, their kids) receive from a certain program
People: friendships within that community
Not one of these “P’s” are bad. In fact, all of them are good. Like the lower story of a house, no one gets inside without going through them as the entry level.
But are these all the church is for? When any of us responded to God’s call to devote our lives to serve the church, was it because we were so in love with these things? I doubt it. They weren’t enough to draw us to the bride of Christ, and they aren’t enough to keep us in love with her either.
When we toil away at the work of the Lord—desperate for some sign that we’re getting somewhere and that our work is not in vain—it’s the most natural thing in the world to hunt for some proxy indicator that we’re not wasting our time.
Enter programs.
When we can count the flow of bodies through the pipelines of our program plumbing—well, we must doing something right. Right?
Don’t throw out the baby
The dirty little secret among so many pastors is that we are really good at faking disciples rather than making disciples. The quantity and quality of our programs—and our sheer busyness keeping it all going—distract us from the truth.
Some pastors do recognize it, and they are so fed up with the superficiality of program jockeying that they’re ready to reject church growth altogether with all the attendance-, program- and purpose-drivenness that comes with it.
That is a mistake. While we throw out the “church growth movement” bathwater, let’s not throw out the baby as well. There truly is a line that connects the dots of growth and disciple-making.
In short, if there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s that the best way to grow your church is by growing your people. I’m on the warpath for this principle, which I call “real church growth.”
Real church growth
Why should we give up on church growth? Why shouldn’t it be something we’re looking after, praying after, knocking on the doors of heaven for? Why wouldn’t we want to disciple people in such a way that they are empowered and emboldened to lead people to Christ? We shouldn’t give up on growing the church as people come to faith in Jesus. Jesus says we should expect fruit (and fruit that lasts!).
But there’s a certain way he’s set everything up. “Real church growth” takes seriously the idea that if your church grows past 120 people, you have to ask the question, “What does organized disciple-making look like in this context?”
At the end of the day, it’s about this:
Real Church Growth = Organized Disciple-Making
And, “Organized Disciple-Making” does not equate to the programs you’re running—or, for that matter, to the programs the “bigger and better” church down the street or the one across the country is running.
See, if you’re not doing organized disciple-making, my guess is that you’re doing programmatic education in the name of Jesus. But chances are, it’s “untransformational Christian education.” It may be well-executed and it might look good on Facebook or Instagram, but it’s probably not growing your church, nor is it really growing your people.
When I talk to pastors, I’m not interested in a church’s programs to mass-manufacture the raised-religious. I want to hear about their organized disciple-making process. I’m talking about how a church sets up a simple system that helps disciples of Jesus make brand-new disciples, who in turn make still more.
Real church growth. What if that became the new normal in the North American church?
It is vital for every Christian to keep the conscience clear. There are many things of which the world, flesh and devil may accuse us, which may be true or false. To serve well in the church, and shine light on the state, we must know we’ve done right to maintain a vibrant witness. As Paul says to Felix in his trial at Caesarea: “So I always take pains to have a clear conscience both towards God and man.”
Definition
Popularly, some call conscience ‘the Policeman of the Soul.’ Vine’s Expository Dictionary defines conscience as:
“…a co-knowledge with oneself, the witness borne to one’s conduct by conscience, that faculty by which we apprehend (learn or understand) the will of God, as that which is designed to govern our desires.”
Every person has a God-given conscience—it is seared by sin, cleansed by Christ’s blood, realigned by chastening, and retrained and honed by Scripture.
Context
Paul is speaking in his own defense having been mobbed by the Jews, arrested in the Temple, accused of being a plague, acting as a ringleader, starting a riot and been persecuted by Ananias—at this point in legal proceedings he is responding to Tertullus, the High Priest’s prosecution attorney. Now Paul motions to begin his own defense: He sets out to his adjudicator his devotion to Judaism, before denying unprovable false-charges, and then alluding to his conversion. He proceeds to make this statement about clearing his own conscience.
Exposition
The Reason
There are many reasons to keep the conscience clear: guilt avoidance, service paralysis, haunted thoughts, vain regrets, spiritual dryness, power withdrawal, discipline escape; but if we ask why Paul strives to keep a clear conscience, it seems to be clearly related to his hope of the resurrection. This was the great expectation of the Old Testament saints and Second Temple Judaism—that God would raise the dead at the General Resurrection:
Having a hope in God, which these men themselves accept, that there will be a resurrection of both the just and the unjust. Acts 24:15
We keep a clear conscience because we will soon stand before God—all men and women from every nation will rise in bodies from their graves and appear before the Judge on that Great and Final Day (unlike most misuses of this word, that Terrible Last Assize, before the throne of Christ, is something that is properly called AWESOME—in its truest, fullest, trembling-in-your-boots sense). As is frequently stated when taking solemn vows (like marriage or ordination), we must always seek to seek, think and act just “as you will answer on the Day of Judgment.” If this reality, which will soon and surely overtake both the living and the dead, does not humble us in the dust and drive us to our knees (to keep the conscience clear), then nothing else probably will. Use this awesome thought of Christ’s appearing as a healthy, daily means of grace in order to deal properly with guilt!
The Regularity
Paul places one word last in sequence in order to emphasize his point. I strive to keep a clear conscience ALWAYS—that’s what he really states. It is not an occasional but a regular, continual practice—the glorious day of Christ made such an impact on his heart that, as often as required, and particularly when accused, or if faced with a moral dilemma, the apostle, by God’s light, was determined to dig down deep—his goal, of course, was to uncover the moral and motive that had determined his course of action in order to do right and purge evil from his heart. It should suffice to say that we should imitate what he states and always keep the conscience clear.
The Responsibility
A first-person verb is used ‘I keep my conscience clear.’ Paul does not say he is the ‘policeman’ of others’ hearts. His great concern in conduct is to guard and watch his own steps. He is not like Pharisees who were expert sawdust spotters. Every morning he took a long hard look at his own moral complexion in the sunlight and mirror of Scripture—was there a spot on his cheek or mote in his own eye that he’d neglected or not spotted? Of course, he is not saying we don’t need to be sensitive to the conscience of our brothers—he deals with that important point in another place (don’t tramp on fellow believers who cannot buy into your own hobbyhorse opinions that are not clearly founded on Scripture!). However, we do need to pay careful heed and attention to ourselves. Will you, dear souls, for your own moral, mental and spiritual health, take care for your account and remember to keep it short?
The Rigor
The ESV phraseology “take pains” is certainly colorful. It could mislead however if we imagine it is a struggling, athletic-arena metaphor. Perhaps ‘painstaking’ is clearer. My ‘A Greek Reader’s Bible’ footnote has “do my best, engage in, practice.” This spiritual activity certainly can’t be reduced to ‘had a try and failed’ accompanied by a sheepish, irresponsible shoulder shrug. It would be de-fanged and diminished to shrink this duty to ‘give it a whirl’ or ‘have a bash and see.’ Paul, in his defense, clearly implies a measure of success. It’s as if he wants to say:
“Most Excellent Felix, I am able to clear my name, because I always try to make sure, and do my level best, as far as I can, to search my heart and do what’s right.” It is on this basis, I assure you, that I didn’t cause this riot—God is my judge and I hope you see that I’m sincere.”
There needs to be a spiritual rigor in this devotional, moral task—we cannot answer for anyone else, we are not always able to sustain the peace, other parties and factors may be involved which are beyond our own control or as yet remain concealed: What we can do is, as far as we know, sincerely in our soul, be sure we have taken all necessary steps to make a vigorous, sincere, thorough effort to live at peace with all men, as far as it depends on us. If the outcome is adverse, make sure like Paul, that you have left no stone unturned in efforts to keep the peace. As the Maori paraphrastic closure of Psalm 19 puts it:
“See if there be some wicked way in me, cleanse me from every sin and set me free.”
Most of us fear the world around us, assuming it’s full of landmines and threats. But leaders see the world as being full of opportunities and ready to be explored and experienced. Which worldview is yours? Let’s think bigger and better about our surroundings and enjoy the world a little more.
Leaders who influence their world and succeed in their pursuits see the world differently than people who don’t lead.
I can remember being a 19-year-old young adult, newly married, pastoring a church, starting out in leadership and wondering…what is it that separates those who seem to thrive and do well and lead healthy, growing organizations and those who seem to remain stuck?
I’ve come to the conclusion that a huge part of it is the way leaders see the world.
Here are 5 Big Examples of Leadership Philosophy
1. Most people see the world as full of landmines and threats, but leaders see the world as a land to be explored, experienced and enjoyed.
People who stay stuck behind the line of mediocrity are often scared and live in fear. They’d much rather play it safe behind the walls of their personal fortress. They see the world outside as a field of landmines. It’s lurking with danger. Most people shrink back and hide behind whatever is familiar, even if what is familiar isn’t healthy.
Leaders, however, tend to see the world as a land to be explored, experienced and enjoyed. They tend to go places and discover things and meet people that others miss out on.
2. Most people believe the world is full of unlikeable people who are to be avoided, but leaders see a world full of people who need to be loved and led.
I’m not talking about being introverted. I’m introverted. This is not about personality. This is about perceiving that the world is full of people that I don’t want anything to do with. We have a general perception that most people are not like me, don’t see the world the way I do, and so I probably wouldn’t get along with them. People who stay stuck tend to see the world as being full of people that I don’t really like.
But leaders tend to see the world as a place where people need to be led and loved. Leaders believe the people around them have potential.
3. Most people see the world as being full of unfixable problems, but leaders see a world full of problems for which solutions can be discovered.
We tend to give up on the world and to look at problems as being too big to solve. Whether you’re talking about global issues like hunger and poverty and disease or localized issues like your own organization or family not being healthy, most people feel helpless to change the current situation.
But leaders see the world as being filled with problems they can help solve. People who influence and impact their world tend to go to work on situations. Whether it’s inventing electricity or eradicating AIDS, feeding the hungry or planning for better infrastructure, leaders tend to be part of the solution rather than pessimistically believing that most problems are just too big to mess with.
4. Most people see the world as a place to consume, while leaders see the opportunity to make a contribution.
Most people live with a scarcity mentality and believe that there isn’t enough to go around. We believe that those who have have simply taken more than their fair share from those who have not, and so our big goal in life should be to collect, consume and save all that we can for ourselves.
Leaders, on the other hand, tend to view the world as a place to make a contribution. They might want to earn money, build wealth or grow their influence, but their motive for doing so is to make a contribution to the lives of others.
5. Most people believe it’s impossible to be one of the winners, while leaders believe we all have the potential to win.
We often believe that prosperity, popularity and affluence are reserved for a select few and we just don’t fit in.
Leaders, on the other hand, believe the world is a place where we can all be winners, where all of us can emerge and move toward greatness.
If you want to lead your organization, your family or your community well, you need to see it as a place where there’s plenty of room. Zig Ziglar used to say, “I’ll see you at the top.” Great leaders see life as an opportunity for all of us to emerge, and for all of us to grow and to improve.
Leaders see problems as opportunities to fix things.
Leaders just see the world differently.
When I first started in leadership, at 18 and 19 years old, I tended to live behind walls of fear. I didn’t want to venture too far out. I didn’t want to put myself out there too much because I was afraid of what people might think. I was afraid of what the world was really like.
And yet I really believe that people who lead and grow and emerge are people who are willing to have their worldview expanded. And instead of looking at everything with a fearful, critical eye, leaders look at everything with a hopeful eye.
Are you afraid of the world around you, or do you welcome it?
Do you think there are just a few people that get to be successful, or can everyone be successful?
Are there problems that are just too big to fix (so why bother trying?), or is it a place where we can all chip in and do our part and make a difference in the world around us?
The trial has finally begun for the man who in 2017 shot and killed one woman and wounded seven others at Burnette Chapel Church of Christ in Nashville, Tennessee. Prosecutors are arguing that the gunman, who is black, was racially motivated, while his defense maintains he was mentally ill. The church, in the meantime, has been pursuing healing and the difficult work of forgiveness.
According to The Christian Chronicle, Pastor Joey Spann says the shooting has changed how the church worships: “We do not go to church anymore. We gather to worship. We come together. I’m reminded of the first century Christians and how every time they gathered had to be an exciting thing and a special thing because there were those who were trying to take it away from them… Well, we do that at Burnette Chapel.”
The Day of the Shooting
The attack happened the morning of Sunday, September 24, 2017. According to CNN, Emanuel Kidega Samson arrived at the church parking lot shortly before church was over and waited for people to start leaving. Melanie Crow Smith, the first person to exit the building, according to The Christian Chronicle, was shot and killed as she headed to her car.
Samson shot another woman in the leg before entering the building and continuing to shoot at random. There were about 50 people inside. It is likely that Samson would have killed and/or injured many more people than he did had not usher Robert Engle confronted him. Engle sustained injuries from the encounter and Samson suffered a self-inflicted gunshot wound, although it is not clear whether or not he shot himself by mistake. Engle was able to retrieve his gun from his car and use it to keep Samson at bay until police arrived.
Samson’s History
According to CNN, Samson, a Sudanese man who was a legal resident of the U.S., had had several encounters with police earlier in 2017. Officers were called twice because of domestic disturbances involving Samson, and later in June, Samson’s father called the police because Samson had been allegedly threatening to kill himself.
Samson had also regularly attended Burnette Chapel a few years before the shooting. The Christian Chronicle reports he had eaten meals with church members and had even helped with vacation Bible school. Samson was masked during the shooting, and the churchgoers were shocked when they learned who he was. Several people recalled him being friendly. One longtime member said, “I knew him. I had given him a ride before. I have eaten lunch with him before. I thought, ‘What in the world?’”
What Motivated Samson?
Immediately after the shooting, the FBI opened a civil rights investigation, although they did not say why. At the time, Spann told The Washington Times he didn’t believe that Samson was racially motivated.
The prosecution, who is seeking life without parole, points to a note in Samson’s car that refers to the shooting that occurred at a black church in Charleston, South Carolina, when white supremacist Dylann Roof shot nine people.
During an opening statement in Samson’s trial, Nashville Deputy District Attorney Amy Hunter quoted Samson’s note as saying, “Dylann Roof is less than nothing. The blood that 10 of your kind will shed is that of the color upon the RBG flag in terms of vengeance.” RBG refers to the Pan-African flag. The prosecution believes that Samson intended to kill at least 10 white people the morning of the shooting.
The defense argues that Samson was driven to the attack because he was suicidal. His lawyer, Jennifer Lynn Thompson, said, “What this case is about is a man who was very sad, very suicidal, and he was looking to die that day.” According to a report made at a hearing in April, a psychiatrist found Samson to have a variety of mental illnesses, including “schizoaffective disorder bipolar type” and PTSD from childhood abuse.
The psychiatrist also reported that Samson “heard voices, hallucinated and had intense mood swings,” in addition to having “‘delusional beliefs’ about predicting the future and controlling people with his mind.” It was not clear whether this diagnosis met the insanity defense legal standard.
Rebuilding and Healing
Recovering from the trauma of that day has been a process for the members of Burnette Chapel, and not an easy one. Spann told The Christian Chronicle that his granddaughter had been there that morning, but had headed in the opposite direction as Smith and survived. “If he killed her, I don’t know where I would be,” said Spann.
Nevertheless, a year after the shooting, Spann said that he and his church were praying for Samson: “We want him to come out of this with a clear heart toward God and his life right with God.”
Last week, Chicago radio host Mancow Muller recorded a podcast that he described as the “nuclear option.” Muller waited until yesterday to release the show, saying he wanted to file a police report first.
Mancow Muller Dropped “The Bomb”
On the show, Muller alleges that MacDonald “wanted me to have someone killed for him.” Muller said, “He wanted to hire a hitman, and my understanding was to kill one of his rivals. And at that moment I realized I was in a cult, this guy was bad and I couldn’t support it any longer.” Muller emphasizes he didn’t think his former friend and spiritual adviser was kidding.
After airing the podcast, Muller tweeted: “‘The bomb’ is dropped. I don’t want anyone to be hurt but Harvest hasn’t been transparent. Others need to be protected. W/ a heavy heart I post the podcast. Really didn’t want to! Sad.”
Independent journalist Julie Roys, who’s been covering the Harvest scandals, says Muller texted her about his reluctance to go public. “Nobody wanted ANY of this,” he said. “We wanted to worship Jesus Christ and instead we got the devil’s messenger in Boss MacDonald.”
Another Murder-for-Hire Accusation Has Been Made
Roys also reports that Emmanuel “Manny” Bucur, a former Harvest deacon and volunteer bodyguard for MacDonald, claims MacDonald asked him to commit murder. Bucur alleges that during a 2015 motorcycle trip, the pastor requested help to “take Tony out.” MacDonald reportedly feared that Tony Groves, his son-in-law, planned to post damaging material about MacDonald’s daughter online.
MacDonald allegedly said Bucur’s background as a combat Marine veteran would be useful for the task. Bucur says he refused but didn’t tell anyone else, assuming MacDonald was angry and “had a momentary lapse in judgment,” Roys reports.
But after hearing Muller’s account, Bucur decided to go public. “When I heard that [MacDonald] was crazy enough to ask someone else to basically do the same thing,” Bucur says, “I figured, OK, this guy’s unhinged. This is a problem. It’s a pattern here.”
Bucur filed a separate police report, but only one investigation is currently underway. Solicitation of murder carries a 15- to 30-year prison sentence in Illinois.
MacDonald Is Pursuing Arbitration Against Harvest
MacDonald was fired in February after Muller played audio of the pastor using profane language. Harvest’s elder board was also fired, MacDonald’s sons—both pastors at Harvest—resigned, and Moody Publishers stopped carrying James MacDonald’s books.
According to a May 18 post on Harvest’s website, MacDonald is “pursuing arbitration” regarding his firing. The church contends his “termination was with cause” and that it owns the Walk in the Word broadcast ministry.
In addition to questionable spending, MacDonald also has been accused of having an intimidating leadership style and displaying a “pattern of uncontrolled anger.” MacDonald and Harvest previously sued Roys and some bloggers, trying to prevent investigations into the pastor and church.
My wife and I recently welcomed our second child into the world and we couldn’t be more excited. I can’t say that I’m a perfect parent, but I can say that both my wife and I try our hardest show our kids that they are loved, cherished and always welcome to come to us if they need something. There are a lot of things about parenting you can’t really prepare for, which is what makes the journey that much more fun. But while my wife and I still have many years of parenting experiences, failures and victories ahead of us, there are a few things I’ve already decided I will make sure to teach my kids about God.
Growing up I was always indirectly taught by others to never question God’s ways, nor should I doubt his existence and all-mighty power. But the older I became, the more questions I had about God. It was as if doubting was thought of as complete disbelief, which in my case was not true at all.
The act of doubting is part of our human nature and an indirect connection with the fall of man. Doubt has been embedded into our inner-being as humans. It’s a natural state. My doubts actually kickstarted my campaign toward becoming closer to God. A lot of things didn’t seem to make sense to me, and my doubts are what led me to begin studying more. Studying God’s Word more brought me closer to him, and being closer to him gave me peace and understanding about who he was.
I want to teach my kids that it’s OK to doubt God, have questions and not completely understand everything God does. God is big enough to handle our doubts, our questions and our concerns. He’s not afraid of them. He wouldn’t be God if that was so. I don’t want my boys to be afraid to question what’s happening or wave their fists a little. God can handle it. I want to teach my kids to let it all out and get honest with God about what they’re really feeling. Why? Because I trust God to combat their doubts with pure and vibrant understanding.
2.God works in his ways, not ours.
If God answered all of our prayers they the way that we saw fit, our world would be one scary place to live in. Just like any loving parent in this world, God seeks what is best for his children and will constantly contradict our expectations for our own benefit. He knows what’s best and his ways will always be grander than our own. I want my kids to learn that we must let go of our plans and instead grab hold of the will of God. I know this concept is easier said than done, but it will always be worth it in the long run.
God’s plans are perfect because God himself is a perfect Lord. He himself is the almighty assurance of life, guiding us toward the greater good of life; His will. Although God is faithful in his answering of prayer, we cannot expect him to answer every prayer to our exact measurements. Faith is trusting God even when things don’t make sense, and that includes a prayer that we feel may be unanswered or at the wrong time. I want my kids to understand that God works in his perfect timing and not ours.
3.There will be people who disagree with you.
Lord willing my kids will choose a personal relationship with God, not everyone is going to understand why they chose it. There are people in this world who will disagree with their decision to follow Jesus, and there are even people in this world who are killed because of this controversial faith. But although we may find opposition, I want my children to remember that God will always be by our side to provide us with comfort and peace.
Temporary acceptance from the world will never be able to outweigh the importance of eternal acceptance from God. Although they may be mocked and ridiculed, they can stand tall knowing God’s love is on their side regardless of the opposition that faces them. Their destiny is in the hands God, not the opinions of man.
4.God is perfect, but his followers are not.
Growing up I had a lot of resentment toward God, but what I failed to realize is that my resentment was due to the actions of some of his followers, not him. Not everyone who claims to love God is perfect, but we can always rely on God for perfection inside and out. We’re human. We make mistakes. We aren’t always going to do things right. I want my sons to learn how to separate their frustration toward Christians from that of God, understanding that he doesn’t always have perfect followers.
I want my kids to understand the difference between God, the perfect creator, and his creation, and the imperfect who have a great need for a perfect savior.
5.You’re always welcome home.
No matter how lost you and I may get in this life, God has an open door policy that always provides us with an opportunity to come back home. God’s love always has vacancy. We’ve all made mistakes, but the beauty of the cross is that Jesus died for them. All of them. Your sins have been wiped clean, and your heart has been renewed by the grace of Jesus himself. Your mistakes do not define you. Your failures don’t have to haunt you. Your mishaps don’t need to be accounted for. God forgives you for your mistakes, even if you have yet to forgive yourself.
God forgives you for your mistakes, even if you have yet to forgive yourself of them. I want my kids to know that they are always welcome back into the arms of God, no matter how dark their life ever may become.
6.Church is people, not a building.
I want to teach my kids to re-think the way culture has defined the definition of church, as it is not simply just a building that one attends on a weekly basis but instead who one is on a daily basis. I want my boys to take ownership of their faith and be a living example of Christ. We are the church, and we are called to reflect the image of Jesus in our everyday lives.
When we take this reality to heart, every aspect of our lives then becomes a mission field, a space to worship in, and a realm to shine our light in. The world is our canvas and the Holy Spirit wants to use us to create a masterpiece known as The Great Commission. I want my sons to see the church as more than just what cultural-Christianity views it as. I want them to see the beauty of God’s church being practiced through everyday people like themselves.
7.Theology matters because God matters.
I desire for my sons to understand the importance of theology, their comprehension of God, and knowing why they believe what they believe. Yearning to know more about God will come naturally as they grow deeper in relation with him, and taking the time to study God’s Word through a theological mindset will help open their heart and soul to a much deeper appreciation of his being.
Theology alone will not suffice, and nor will passion by itself. I want my sons to see the seriousness of learning more about the God that I pray they choose to call, Lord. Theology matters because God matters.
8.Life isn’t always going to be easy.
The Christian life isn’t always going to be easy or without trial, but God promises us he will be alongside us the entire way. So many people think that just because they believe in Jesus means everything is going to be flawless and perfect. This really isn’t the case at all. You may have a relationship with Jesus, but this doesn’t mean life is going to stop moving forward, tough circumstances are going to cease to exist, and rough times will never be a possibility.
Even though Jesus never said life would be easy, he did say he would be there for you in your times of need. The message of The Gospel isn’t that life will be perfect, but that in its imperfection we have a perfect and flawless Savior.
9.Not everything has a black and white answer.
When putting our lives in the hands of God, we must be ready to not understand everything that God does, why he does it and how long he will do it for. Some things only have one answer; to trust God even if it doesn’t make sense. It may seem like a shallow and cliché response, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Trusting God amidst our confusion is a spiritually deepening experience.
God won’t always give us clear and crisp directions. I want my sons to trust in God for that in which they cannot see or comprehend with their own mind. I want my kids to use God as their compass in life, directing them every step of the way.
This article about things I will teach my kids about God originally appeared here.
Over the course of my working years, I’ve run the gamut of various jobs. In the world of 9-5 jobs, I’ve stocked shelves, worked in a machine shop, worked in a funeral home, been a team leader for the 2000 Census Bureau, and a director in a large publishing/resource company. In ministry, I’ve served as a youth minister, single adult pastor, education minister, church planter, pastor of established churches, consultant, conference speaker, and currently as a director with the Baptist World Alliance. Each position gave me the opportunity for personal success and ministry fruitfulness. But, at every turn, it requires discipline.
Sometimes, I had it. Many times, I did not.
Scheduling For Success
In this new season of work with the BWA, I’m covering a lot of territory in both my work responsibilities and in my travel geographically. To maintain my sanity, I’m moving into a more intentional schedule of life. It’s not perfect and I’ll adapt it along the way. Knowing that we’re all looking for a life hack that will increase our effectiveness, here’s my latest go at scheduling for success.
Daily Schedule:
Rise early for exercise, private devotions and writing. The older I’m getting, the closer to 5:15 a.m. I awake. For exercise, I currently aim for either cycling (four-eight miles) or just grab my jump rope (can get in 500+ jumps in no time).
Get ready. Even though I office from home, I get ready because it sets me into work mode.
Make a list. Whatever I need to do, I decide to get it done. As others have said, eat the frog first.
Tackle the first round of emails for staff issues.
Late mornings are for phone calls and emails to church leaders.
Short lunch break.
Early afternoon is all about logistics for upcoming trips or events.
Late afternoon is the time to return emails, phone calls and reading.
Project management: Asana is my go-to for project management. I use Evernote to keep up with random information when it comes up. It allows me to have it digitally and not transfer from handwritten to digital every day.
Meetings: Given my current work, meetings happen with pastors and church leaders at various times. However, it’s usually coffee shop or lunch meetings. Meetings with people trump logistical work. My advantage is that I work from anywhere so my laptop can come with me along with Asana, Evernote and all the rest of the World Wide Web.
Reading:
Daily reading includes websites on world news, what’s happening in the church, life among the Baptist family, and blogs by church thought leaders.
Weekly reading focuses on the major topics of ministry leadership, business leadership, financial advancement and missiology.
Monthly reading is for fun. I have a novel going but I use the entertaining reading generally for flights (becoming more numerous) or off days.
When travel happens: I will generally take two domestic trips a month and three or four international trips a year. Obviously, this throws all of my schedule up in the air. But because I work remotely, I maintain a semblance of my schedule no matter where I am in the world. It is tough but doable.
Walk away: I need to physically walk away sometimes. It is for both a break and for clarity. Often, it is is just to get the blood pumping. But sometimes it is to clear the mental cobwebs.
…and now for one bonus idea that will help pull it all together…
The key is to be intentional instead of being legalistic.
No one but the leader of a large organization that has an untold number of minions can have any control over their schedule. Even then, it’s an illusion. As my friend Brian Daniel said to me once, “Anyone who has your email address is your boss.” It’s true in so many ways so be intentionally flexible with yourself and people. Be intentionally focused on what you want to accomplish. Be intentionally willful about the vision for your work. Intentionality is not the same as rigid legalism. Use your work to help the people involved. Never use people to get your work done. Then, you’ll find your way on a clear path of a successful personal schedule.
We will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord
About his power and his mighty wonders…
He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their children
So the next generation might know them—even the children not yet born—
and they will in turn teach their own children
So each generation should set its hope anew on God” Ps. 78:4, 5b-7a NLT
The other day, I had the opportunity to share with some children the miracle that is new life; something coming to life in unexpected ways, much like our Savior. We talked about how a seed falls into the ground, and dies, but then brings forth new life. Much to my surprise, my object lesson was sitting beside my kitchen sink; a popcorn kernel had fallen into a potted plant and had begun to grow and sprout a new seedling.
When I was talking to the kids, we talked about the fact that the seed was “hiding” in the soil but it wasn’t “hidden” from God. It was still doing all the things the seed was supposed to do; it was bringing about new life.
Psalm 119:9-11 says, ” How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to Your word. With all my heart I have sought You; do not let me stray from Your commandments. I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.” In much the same way, God’s Word is “hidden” in the heart of a child (young man) but it is not dormant; rather, it is doing what the Word came to do—bring forth new life.
As a parent, I can at times become discouraged when I don’t see the fruit of discipleship evident in my children’s lives. Like most Christian parents, I wonder, “Have a done this thing right? Have I shared the right things? Have I been a good disciplemaker? What about all the times I’ve messed up? What about all of my mistakes?”
It can be…exhausting and defeating.
But as I read these Scriptures a few things come into focus for me; things that help me to remember whose they are and who I am actually called to be. I hope these reminders can be a well of God’s grace and truth to any others who have said, “I’m not sure I’m cut out for this ‘discipling’ thing.”
Just do it. Talk about what He’s done for you, for us, for others, for the world. Talk about the miracles. Talk about the mundane. Talk about His love. Talk about His Grace. Talk about it when we sit at home and when we drive along the road; talk about Him when we lie down and when we get up (Dt. 6:7).
Don’t hide Jesus from them; hide Him inside of them. And trust that the Word (Jesus) will do the work of transformation that will bring about new life, in His time.
See a Bigger Picture
Moments pass; they do not last. Doubts are part of life and a healthy faith; they do not define one’s path. Emotions and feelings are real but they are not reality. Even if our words seem to have no impact or little impact or negative impact, the bigger picture is that we hold the greatest influence over our children’s faith and, according to the Psalm above, not only our children’s faith but the faith of those who are to come; our grandchildren who are not even born yet.
If we can look with eyes of faith beyond today, we will continue to speak with faith and hope about this Jesus who loves us and them so much, He reaches beyond today and into tomorrow with His grace.
Trust the Process
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell myself this about other stuff; work stuff and medical stuff and school stuff. And it usually pans out; if we just trust the process, the work usually gets done. But here’s the biggest difference with God: There is no “usually.” With God, His promises are “Yes” and “Amen.” And while our children will always have their free will, we can rest in the fact that God will do all that He said He will do.
His Word will not return void (Is. 55:11).
He goes after his sheep (Luke 11, John 10).
He made sure our children are always being prayed for continually (Mt. 18:10).
He calls them to come (Luke 18:16).
He loves them; oh, how He loves them (Mt. 18:2-6).
The Word is at work in our children’s hearts. I believe that much as I believe a seed I bury in the ground doesn’t just die but it dies to new life. What we have hidden in their hearts, through our words, our prayers, our actions and our lives, remains there. Jesus tells us that if He is lifted high, he will draw all to Himself (Jn. 12:32); our job is to lift Him high, He will do the drawing.
Right now, I am the mom of a high schooler, a middle schooler and an elementary student. Every day, new scenarios arise that make me question my adequacy as a parent, let alone a person called to form faith and raise disciples. But every day, when I look to the Lord, I remember I’m called to one thing: Lift Jesus high—talk about Him, talk about His word, talk about His love, talk about His goodness and grace, talk about His approachability and His incarnate humanity, and talk about His eternal promises.
I am called to plant endless seeds. He alone can make them grow.
We are, sadly, familiar with pastors having to leave the ministry because of sexual impropriety. These incidents seem to occur with such frequency as to be barely newsworthy to a watching world.
But another, equally sad trend has developed in recent years: Pastors having to leave for bullying.
While we should be concerned by this trend, perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. The apostle Peter expected this possibility back in the first century. Writing to pastors, he warned that they shouldn’t be “domineering over those in [their] charge” (1 Pet. 5:3). But while domineering pastors aren’t a new problem, they do seem to be more and more evident in the Western church today. In some cases bullying goes on for many years, either unrecognized or unchallenged. Which raises some important questions: What leadership virtue are we mistaking bullying for? Which trait is such a priority that we aren’t even aware when it is deployed in an ungodly, and biblically prohibited, way? In short, why do we end up with bullies as prominent pastors?
CEOs and Generals
My observation is that this process plays out in slightly different ways on either side of the Atlantic. It is common in American churches to borrow leadership wisdom from the business world. The pastor is the CEO. His role is to bring success, often and especially measured in numerical terms: The church needs to grow in membership and giving. In the UK, it’s slightly different. The church tends toward a military model. The pastor is the three-star general who directs everyone to do the right things.
There is obviously much to be learned from both successful CEOs and also great generals, but both models can quickly become toxic. When either becomes the primary model for Christian leadership, is it any wonder that domineering pastors result? The pastor-as-CEO approach might foster entrepreneurialism and risk-taking, but it easily becomes results-oriented. The pastor-as-general approach might foster perseverance and grit, but it easily becomes task-oriented. One produces swagger: Their word is law because they’re economically indispensable to the church. The other produces presumption: Orders must be followed because the general “knows” what is best for every person. In each case we either tolerate or fail to see traits of bullying, because ministry ends justify ministry means.
But this must not be. Paul warns us about even superlative gifting wielded without love: “If I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing” (1 Cor. 13:2).
Paul doesn’t simply say that loveless giftedness is “compromised” or “diminished in effectiveness.” He doesn’t even talk about the resulting ministry, but only the person exercising the gifts—and they are nothing. Giftedness at the expense of character is never finally effective. No matter how dazzling in the eyes of men, loveless pastors vanish into nothingness in the sight of God.
Problems With Domineering Leadership
So we need to look closely again at what Peter says:
Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. (1 Pet. 5:2–3)
Here Peter draws three contrasts about the work and heart of an elder: There must be willingness, not compulsion; service, not greed; and he must lead by example, not by coercion.
To domineer is to bring something into compliance by force. In the context of pastoral ministry, it happens when the flock assents to things by compulsion rather than by the work of the Spirit in their hearts. It involves the use of intimidation, threats or bullying. There may be some connection with the previous contrasts Peter has just made: Being domineering is a form of greed (“shameful gain”)—greed for power over others. And just as Peter has already said that an elder must serve willingly (v. 2), so too those who follow must follow willingly.
To domineer is to misunderstand the role of the pastor. Yes, there is a real authority attached to the office. The writer to the Hebrews tells us to “obey your leaders and submit to them” (Heb. 13:17). But he continues, “For they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account.” The first part guards against anticlericalism on the part of the congregation, the second against authoritarianism on the part of the leadership. The pastor is to serve joyfully, just as the flock is to follow willingly. Although the pastor is set over the flock (1 Thess. 5:12), that is not his only relationship to it. Peter reminded us that the flock is not only “under you” (implying the pastor’s primary identity is one of hierarchical superiority), but also “among you” (reminding the pastor that he’s not above the flock, but is in fact a member of it).
To domineer is to be worldly. Jesus said, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them” (Mark 10:42). That is the way of the world around us, but it shouldn’t be true of the local church—“it shall not be so among you” (v. 43). There is much we can learn from secular insights into leadership, but we must also recognize there is to be a clear contrast between how leadership is exercised in the secular world and how it is exercised in the church. We can learn from CEOs and generals, but pastors are not meant to be CEOs and generals.
To domineer is to go against New Testament’s teaching on church governance. Christians will have differing convictions about precisely how churches should be structured, but one thing seems incontrovertible from the Scriptures: Churches are to be led by plural eldership. The New Testament nowhere speaks of a church elder in singular terms. The church may have a lead pastor, but there is to be a plurality of those who share leadership responsibility. No one person is meant to be in charge. Now, it is easy to have plural eldership in theory and yet still have a pastor who rules the roost. The key is whether there is clear accountability and correction, and whether that can be—and actually is—executed.
Leadership Catastrophe
Being domineering is catastrophic for a flock. It seems effective in the short term—it gets things done!—but it is disastrous in the long term. What Paul says to the Romans about dealing with those “weak in faith” is instructive here. Those weak in faith (Rom. 14:1) abstain from certain foods or observe certain days even though God doesn’t require them to. But if this has become a conscience issue, they shouldn’t be coerced into changing their practice: “Whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin” (Rom. 14:23).
Paul is highlighting a broad principle that applies beyond the immediate discussion about food and special days. Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.
If a believer has certain doctrinal views or behaves in certain ways simply because a domineering pastor has coerced them to, then those views or actions are not proceeding from faith. It is not the Spirit of Christ who has brought them about, but the forcefulness of a leader. This is catastrophic because the believer isn’t being led by the Lord, but by man. Believing even the right things is no good if it is for the wrong reason.
Antidote to Domineering Leadership
The antidote to being domineering, then, is to lead by example rather than by coercion: “Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Pet. 5:3).
The flock is to be led, yes, but not by force of personality. The flock is to be led by beauty of example. Being domineering is bad leadership; and the answer to bad leadership is not no leadership but the right kind of leadership.
Again, there is authority in the office of being an elder (Heb. 13:17). There will be times when a pastor needs to call for that office to be respected and honored. But the people should be obedient to their leaders not because they’re terrified of them, but because they’re inspired and encouraged by them. Ultimately, it should be because the leaders point them to Christ by their example and spur them to their own love and good deeds.
This blog post should generate a lot of interest. If you are a student pastor or a leader in a youth group, you probably have been faced with this concept and question in your mind at some point. If you are a student reading this post, you probably have been faced with the frustration of the rules that a youth pastor or leader put on you for dating. I want to post today about “should we allow dating in our student ministry?” Here is the reality: You cannot control dating. That is a parent decision. It is not up to you to tell students that they cannot date someone of the opposite sex. That is the parents’ call on those type of decisions. So, the answer to this blog post is fairly simple, you cannot control it, but I want to take this discussion to a different level, how do we approach dating in our youth group? I tend to take a more conservative approach to this than most. I look at teen dating as a waste of time, personally. Please do not be offended by that, but the odds are slim to none that a relationship in middle school and high school will continue. Some do, and that is great, but many do not. More often, I see relationships built in student ministry, and then a result is horrible and ugly break ups that affect the friendships, cause drama and, in a lot of cases, tend to be uncomfortable for other students surrounding these dating issues. I want to share some of our philosophy on how we deal with dating:
Teach the students and their parents that youth group is not a dating activity. It is frustrating when you do a youth group activity, and you have a few couples who cannot bear the thought of leaving the side of their significant other (some are in 8th grade)! This is crazy. I try to teach our students and parents that when they come on a youth group function, it is not an opportunity for them to get some “much-needed” alone time. Teach your students that they will regret one day not enjoying time with some of their friends on youth functions while they were spending every waking minute with their girlfriend/boyfriend. It is a group activity, so be a part of the group.
Do not allow physical contact. Now, you may have a different approach, but this is the best approach that we have found. I have found that if you give them an inch, they are going to take another inch. They always will take you further, so in this area, I set the standard pretty high on youth functions. I do not allow physical contact. This includes holding hands, kissing or holding each other inappropriately. We have had some visitors come and do these things, and that is a different issue. You do not need to lose students over this. If there is a visitor, you are going to deal with them much differently than a regular attendee. I am speaking specifically about the regular attenders. Have this rule and communicate it to the students and leaders. Teach them that this is for their protection. Teach them that holding hands in and of itself is not wrong, but that it is the best principle and formality to have on a youth group trip.
Be loving about this. This is where we can go wrong. You must be loving in your approach. Do not come down so hard that you lose the students in this issue. Be patient with them, and work with them if they make a mistake. Students take offense to a rule like this because they see it as another harsh rule that they are being held under, and it makes them feel like you are trying to be the parent. This is why it is important to explain yourself correctly, and show them a great amount of love.
Always be in a group of three or more on youth functions. This should eliminate any grouping up by themselves. This also provides a help to them not to be tempted. I always set this rule on trips so that students will be put in the best positions to do what is right.
Do not be afraid to discipline a student if they continue to break this rule. This is where it gets tough, but if they continue to break the rule, there has to be a consequence. By the way, tell the youth group the consequence up front so that they were warned, and cannot come back with, “I did not know.” Discipline is never fun, but it has to be done so that the students will learn the value in obeying authority, and learn the value in consequences for breaking a rule.
I would love your thoughts on this, and if you have found something that works better, please comment to let me know.
Recently a female seminarian posted the following lament on Twitter:
“You’d think after all these years in seminary I’d be used to men keeping their distance, not engaging with me, etc. because I’m a woman. The truth is, I’m not. It still sucks. It still feels like rejection. And it still hurts.”
Thankfully, not all men react this way. I was in the first class of female students (five of us) admitted to the same seminary she attends and, although I’ve experienced plenty of resistance since graduating, that wasn’t my experience as a seminary student.
Our arrival was uneventful. No fanfare, drumroll or historic speeches. We just walked into the classroom and went to work. I don’t recall anyone discussing with us why the seminary was opening its doors to women or the five of us discussing it among ourselves.
To be honest, we were simply grateful to be there and assumed the seminary had done us a favor by letting women into this previously male-only bastion. Over time, however, I’ve come to realize something monumental had happened. This was more than another breeched barrier for women. Our female contributions were needed for theological reflection and practice to fulfill the mandate for which we were created.
In the field of higher education, scholars Jan Meyer and Ray Land have coined the phrase “threshold knowledge.”
Threshold knowledge refers to “core concepts that once understood, transform perception of a given subject.”[1]
Genesis 1 and 2 contain vital threshold knowledge, for this is where God is vision casting for his world and for humanity. God’s creative activity climaxes with the creation of humanity and God’s wholly unexpected decision to create human beings—male and female—as the imago dei. The Creator could not have conferred on us a nobler identity and calling than for us to be reflections of himself, to speak and act for him. Nor could he have placed before us a more demanding challenge.
As the imago dei, humanity’s first and most urgent task is to know the God who created us to become like him. This foundational enterprise stands at the center of every human life and requires significant effort from each of us—male and female. Every other human endeavor falls within and is shaped by what we learn about our Creator and how we work to represent him more faithfully and engage his purposes in the world.
It must be said, although some remain uncertain about this, the creation narrative doesn’t contain the slightest hint that responsibility for the study of God falls only or primarily on the shoulders of men. Everything God commissions at creation falls fully on the shoulders of his daughters too. The Creator prefaces the creation of the female with an unqualified statement that has bearing in every arena of human life: “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
When female scholars engage in biblical and theological studies along with men, their male colleagues will be the first to benefit. If they are willing to listen and collaborate, men will discover a richer, deeper, more robust theological discussion has just become possible. Walter Brueggemann confirmed this when he wrote in the preface of his remarkable work, The Prophetic Imagination,
“I am growingly aware that this book is different because of the emerging feminine consciousness as it impacts our best theological thinking. That impacting is concerned not with abrasive crusading but with a different nuancing of all our perceptions… In many ways these sisters have permitted me to see what I otherwise might have missed. For that I am grateful—and amazed.”[2]
The scholarly study of God and Scripture is not primarily for personal fulfillment, although that surely happens. Nor are such pursuits ends in themselves. They serve the church and indeed, all humanity. The whole church benefits when a diversity of scholarly minds devote their lives to Biblical Studies, Theology and Philosophical Theology and do this vital work together.
A scientist once noted, “If earth were an apple, the exploration we have done beneath the earth’s surface would not yet have broken the skin.” If that’s how far we’ve gotten in exploring this finite planet, how much more remains for us to discover about our infinite God?
With such a daunting task before us, can it be any less true today than it was in the beginning that it is not good for the man to be alone?
NOTE: This article was originally published in November 2018 on BLOGOS for Logia. Logia is an initiative of LOGOS Institute for Analytic and Exegetical Theology at St. Andrews University which seeks to support women who are considering pursuing postgraduate Divinity education or who are already students or staff at this level. I serve on their Board of Advisors.
[1]Jan H. F. Meyer and Ray Land, “Threshold Concepts and Troublesome Knowledge—Linkages to Ways of Thinking and Practising,” in Improving Student Learning—Theory and Practice Ten Years On, ed. C. Rust (Oxford: Oxford Center for Staff and Learning Development, 2003), 412–24.
Why do couples who are convinced they have found “the one” end up divorcing each other just a few years (or sometimes a couple decades) into their marriage? There was a time when they couldn’t imagine being apart for five hours; now they can’t bear the thought of being together for five minutes; what happened?
In many cases, the relationship existed only on what I call “artificial intimacy.” True intimacy—that sense of “oneness” that we all seek—has to be pursued and built rather than simply discovered and felt. Artificial intimacy is sustained by the common events of life, but usually comes to a huge crash as soon as the couple enters the empty nest years if true intimacy hasn’t replaced it.
In the Beginning
Artificial intimacy begins with the onset of infatuation, a “grab your brains with a vengeance” neurochemical reaction that makes us virtually blind to our partner’s faults but is notoriously short lived, with a shelf life of about 12 to 18 months.
In addition to infatuation, early relationship “compatibility” is also enhanced artificially via sexual chemistry. When infatuation and sexual chemistry are strong, compatibility, or incompatibility, barely even register. You both feel crazy about each other, you can barely keep your hands to yourself—how could you not be compatible? You don’t even really have to do anything to sustain your desire for each other; just being alive makes you feel compatible. And so, on this basis, and often on this basis alone, the couple decides to get married.
When Spring Turns to Summer
When a couple begins to move toward marriage and set a date for the wedding, even though the initial artificial intimacy may be on the decline, planning the ceremony gives them something in common and keeps them going. They plan it, talk about it and divide up tasks to make it happen. This is “intimacy” of a sort, but it’s a superficial intimacy, the intimacy of co-workers, not life-mates.
Once the couple gets back from the honeymoon, they will start setting up a house, move into a new apartment or neighborhood, and try to join two lives. That also joins them in a common task and gives them something to talk about. What color should we paint the bedroom? Do you think we’ll be here long enough to bother with planting trees outside? Where’s our new favorite hangout?
As life moves on, just when things could get boring again, the couple is likely to start raising kids. That’s a big thing to have in common and requires a lot of communication. You go to childbirth classes, you build a nursery, you raise the kids, and then you have to communicate to get the kids to the right places. You share your kids’ failures and successes. Eventually those kids repay you for your faithful service by growing up and leaving the two of you alone together.
That’s when you find out how much intimacy you really have.
At the start of the relationship it was just infatuation and sexual chemistry. Then it was the joint task of planning a ceremony. Then, setting up a home. After that, raising kids. In days past these life events could take marriages to the doorstep of death and eternity, but modern couples can blow through these stages of life in two and a half decades, often leaving another 30 years or more of marriage to follow. That’s a long time to be lonely and to live with a familiar looking stranger. If you haven’t consciously built true intimacy, the relationship is going to collapse right at this point.
Some couples have to wake up to the reality that they’ve been living relationally on shared tasks, not shared intimacy. They haven’t prayed together. They haven’t shared their dreams. They haven’t carried each other’s burdens and then built that all-important empathy for each other. They’re teammates, not spouses, and now that the season is over, what’s to hold them together?
When couples get divorced and start over with someone else, the second relationship initially feels more fulfilling than the first because, once again, it’s existing on artificial intimacy: Infatuation and sexual chemistry retake their place on center stage, the two once again enter the relationship-building of sharing past histories, planning a ceremony, setting up a new life together… But the same dynamics will bring this affection to an end as well if the couple doesn’t consciously build true intimacy.
Making a Marriage
One of the main messages of my writing/speaking career on marriage has been this: A good marriage isn’t something you find, it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it. Just as importantly (and herein lies the hope), you can also begin “re-making” it at any stage.
A year and a half after what has been called the deadliest church shooting in America, the members of First Baptist Church of Sutherland Springs have held a service dedicating their new church building and remembering those they lost. KENS 5 News reports that the phrase “Evil did not win” has become a theme for the church members in the shooting’s aftermath.
“Evil’s going to continue to lose,” said Pastor Frank Pomeroy. He told KENS 5 that the building is a testament to the fact that even though the congregation has suffered, God’s joy still comes in the morning. “We are moving forward,” he said. “There are still highs and lows, but I think even on the lows, we’re still climbing.”
18 Months Ago
On Sunday, November 5, 2017, Devin Kelley opened fire during First Baptist’s morning service in Sutherland Springs, Texas, which is about 30 miles east of San Antonio. Kelley, 26 years old, was armed with an assault rifle and a handgun and started shooting while outside the church, making his way inside. He killed 26 people, many of them children, and injured 20 more. One of the children who died was Annabelle Pomeroy, the 14-year-old daughter of Pastor Pomeroy and his wife, Sherri.
As Kelley was leaving, a Sutherland Springs resident confronted him and engaged him in gunfire, pursuing the gunman as he fled the scene. A high-speed chase ensued. Kelley eventually crashed his vehicle and was found dead from what were apparently self-inflicted gunshot wounds.
In an interview one year after the shooting, Pastor Pomeroy described what it was like dealing with his grief: “In some aspects it seems like it’s been a lifetime. In other aspects, it seems like it was just yesterday. You know I can have a great worship service and everything’s going well, but then I can go in Annabelle’s room or something and it’s,” he snapped his fingers, “it’s real quick.”
The Dedication
Texas Governor Greg Abbott and Senator John Cornyn were both present and spoke at First Baptist’s dedication service. Senator Ted Cruz also spoke through a video message. Both Gov. Abbott and Sen. Cornyn previously visited the church right after the shooting, says The New York Times.
“The opening of this new worship center ushers in a new era of healing for this congregation and for the entire town of Sutherland Springs,” said Governor Abbott, as reported by KENS 5 News. “I have no doubt that God will continue to work through this community to write the next chapter for the remarkable and faithful people of Sutherland Springs.”
J.D. Greear, president of the Southern Baptist Convention, was also present and spoke at the dedication.
During the service, the names of the deceased were read aloud, and a bell was rung after each name. The bell had hung in the old building before being refurbished and placed in the new one.
Pastor Pomeroy said, “The bell was something that, every Sunday morning, the kids would run to me, race to me to see who would get to me first, who could ring the bell to let Sunday school know that it was time for church to start. Many of the children that rang that bell are no longer with us…and for that reason, that bell means even more now to me than it did previous.”
The new building’s property and the building’s construction were funded entirely by donations, and The New York Times also reports that over 100 companies “had offered to contribute materials, labor and other services.” According to KENS 5, the new facility has an education center and is equipped with safety measures, including a security team.
Despite their grief, the pastor and the members of his congregation are continuing to trust the Lord in the midst of their sorrow and unanswered questions.
“We’re still praising God, we’re still focusing on God,” Debbie Braden told KENS 5. “If I didn’t have my faith, I don’t think I would have gotten through it.” Braden lost her husband, Keith, on the day of the shooting.
Said Pastor Pomeroy, “We just refuse to let Satan win.”
Amid the reactions to Alabama’s new restrictive abortion law were fears from some conservatives that the state has overstepped. Televangelist Pat Robertson, a longtime abortion opponent, made headlines last week for saying Alabama “has gone too far.” Even before Governor Kay Ivey signed the controversial bill into law, Robertson called it “extreme.”
During The 700 Club,Robertson said, “They want to challenge Roe v. Wade, but my humble view is that this is not the case that we want to bring to the Supreme Court, because I think this will lose.” He pointed to the lack of exemptions for victims of rape and incest, plus the severe punishments (up to 99 years in jail) for people who perform abortions in the state.
Rep. Terri Collins, who sponsored the Alabama legislation, admits its purpose is to overturn Roe v. Wade, the landmark 1973 ruling legalizing abortion.
“I think it’s ill-considered,” Robertson said of Alabama’s new law, while also criticizing Roe. “But the Alabama case, God bless them,” he said. “They’re trying to do something, but…I don’t want to bring [that case] to the Supreme Court.”
Trump Tweets About Abortion Exceptions
Over the weekend, President Donald Trump tweeted support for some abortion exceptions and urged Republicans to “stay united…for life.” He affirmed he’s “strongly Pro-Life, with the three exceptions—rape, incest and protecting the Life of the mother—the same position taken by Ronald Reagan.”
Pointing to new judges and justices, Trump wrote, “We have come very far in the last two years.” He urged pro-lifers to “stick together and Win…for Life in 2020.” Otherwise, the “hard fought gains for Life can, and will, rapidly disappear!”
White House officials called the tweets an effort to tone down the debate and not scare away key blocks of women voters. “This is the best way to be pro-life…which is that you have these exemptions,” says one official. Trump wouldn’t have signed the Alabama law, the official adds, but the president “respects the right of states to make their own laws in accordance to what their electorate wants.”
Alabama’s law probably won’t get to the Supreme Court, the official admits, saying “one of the heartbeat cases or maybe one of the 20-week abortion cases” is more likely to be heard. A recent wave of fetal heartbeatlegislation limits abortion after about six weeks, often before a woman knows she’s pregnant.
Americans Favor Restrictions, Poll Shows
According to a January poll, 75 percent of Americans—including a majority of pro-choice respondents—support limiting abortions to the first trimester. The poll, conducted by Marist and commissioned by the Knights of Columbus, found that only 30 percent of Americans want abortion to be unrestricted.
Though about 58 percent of Americans identify as pro-choice, analysts say the wording of poll questions makes it tough to categorize opinions about abortion.
At Alabama’s capital, demonstratorshave been protesting the new law, which Gov. Ivey called “a powerful testament to Alabamians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a sacred gift from God.” Critics call her a hypocrite for also supporting the death penalty.
The pastor of an evangelical church in Nigeria, along with approximately 16 other people, have been abducted by gunmen. It is also believed that Reverend Zakariah Ido’s son and daughter were taken with him and that one person was killed during the attack.
“It is sad to inform you that one of our pastors, his daughter and 15 other members of ECWA Church Dankade were kidnapped in the early hours of today,” Reverend Nath Waziri told the Nigerian news outlet The Nation.
Details are forthcoming, but the news outlet Sahara Reporters says one person was killed during the attack. One witness reported there were at least 20 gunmen that surrounded the church as choir practice was underway Saturday night. “It was at about 12:30 midnight. We had a combine choir practice in the church with other neighbouring communities. We normally hold the combine choir practice from 9:00pm to 1:00am,” the witness said.
The abduction occurred in Kaduna State, near the center of Nigeria, early Sunday morning. Rev. Waziri gave the following details:
The church hosted a combine choir fellowship Saturday night to early hours of today. Then, this morning (Sunday), kidnappers stormed the church, when the gunmen came, they asked everyone in the church to surrender his or her phones and demanded the whereabouts of the pastor.
After threatening the choristers they became afraid and showed them the pastor home. They took him away and his daughter with 15 others amongst which there is the son of the pastor of Assemblies of God Church.
#NIGERIA: Pastor, his daughter and 15 others #kidnapped in #Kaduna state, yesterday 19 May. Official church source says over 20 gunmen abducted Rev Zakariah Ido and others – 11 girls and 5 men – at ECWA #church premises, Dankade in Birnin Gwari LGA. pic.twitter.com/03IoN1ofxS
Rev. Ido serves the Dankade congregation of the Evangelical Church Winning All (ECWA), a large network of churches in Nigeria. The denomination has over 6,000 congregations in Nigeria with over 10 million members. The schoolgirl who was kidnapped in 2018 by Boko Haram, Leah Sharibu, and her family are also members of an ECWA church.
Tensions between extremist Muslim groups and Christians are at an unprecedented high in the Sahel Region of Africa. This attack comes on the heels of a Catholic priest and five church-goers being murdered in Burkina Faso and another six Christians being murdered at a Protestant church in April. There have also been several other kidnappings and threats against religious leaders, including Christians and non-violent Muslims.
False teachers and abusive leaders need to maintain their power. Therefore, they use a series of threats to keep people quiet and in line. Get out of line? You might hear one of the seven statements I’ve listed below.
7 Threats From False Teachers and Abusive Leaders
Some people who aren’t false teachers or abusers do use some of these from time to time. For example, someone may be accused of behaving like a “Pharisee” because they’re relying on legalism to achieve their righteousness. That isn’t in the context here. This particular post is in the context of a pastor or church leader who is approached by a well-meaning church member concerning teachings that are not faithful to Scripture and are twisted for a desired end.
1. Don’t Put God in a Box
This phrase is usually directed at those who are trying to convince their church leader to keep his or her teaching in line with Scripture. You may hear this kind of statement after congregants push back against a pastor who gets up one Sunday and starts tossing out random prophecies that don’t come true (or make sense). Another example would be a concerned church member who says, “Pastor, that’s not exactly what God said He would do in His word.” The pastor would respond, “Don’t put God in a box.” The pastor may even tag on one of these other statements to beef up his domineering response.
2. Touch Not the Lord’s Anointed
This threat tends to be used when venerated leaders are opposed for their false and abusive teachings. Their defense? They claim to be “anointed” by God and immune from any accountability and that if you criticize them God will bring judgment upon you. Those who blindly follow them will usually echo this phrase as well as they warn a whistle-blower to keep quiet. Should you ever hear this threat you have nothing to fear. When you “mark” someone who is teaching false things, you are not touching the Lord’s anointed. You are obeying the Lord Himself (Romans 16:17-18).
3. Don’t Be a Pharisee
The Pharisees were not necessarily the best example of what true worship looks like. Even though they were very devout, they were legalistic, twisted God’s word, and burdened people with manipulative teachings that were not a part of God’s Law. They were known to control people with their spiritual arrogance and elitist mentality. Without question, they were a questionable group. Therefore, it’s not surprising when the term “Pharisee” is used in a pejorative manner. This threat from a false teacher gets used when someone holds them accountable for Scripture twisting or loose living. The false teacher will respond claiming, “Don’t be a Pharisee!” Ironically, it is false teachers and abusers who are pharisaic. They add to God’s word, they use their authority to exploit people, and are hypocrites.
Your experience may be a little different, but this is the norm for most churches.
Stories about the recent Easter services and salvation from all over the country have been amazing. The number of people who attended that day in most churches was incredible. In fact, it’s not uncommon that attendance doubled.
Yet, also in most churches, the attendance returned to the usual pattern the next Sunday.
We can say the same thing about Christmas, and nearly so, for Mother’s Day.
And Mother’s Day is right around the corner.
Are you preparing well to invite, inspire, and care for your guests?
Personally, I’m glad that anyone who typically attends church only two-three times a year, visits when they do. They are always welcome! But I long for them to return more often, and I know you do too.
How can we encourage people to return?
Why do some come back, but so many don’t?
It’s true that many are simply not ready.
OK, so we continue to pray.
There are also those who are not interested.
That’s different; we can capture their interest if we pay attention to their needs.
There is a third group. They sit on the fence. They are open. I think they’re waiting for us to make it worth their while. It’s our responsibility to create engaging moments that capture the heart, and are compelling enough for your guests to return.
7 primary reasons people will attend more than a few times a year:
As you read through the list, honestly consider each statement, asking yourself if it’s true in your church. If not, how can you help make it true?
How you handle any of these can touch a heart and change a life.
1) They have questions and appreciate meaningful answers.
People are looking for a place to belong.
They may not even be “religiously” inclined, but culture has become more complex, and confusing and difficult to navigate. Culture creates more questions than it answers.
When someone finds a place they trust, a place to belong, they will ask meaningful questions. And it’s surprising how fast they will open up if they trust you.
Lead with authenticity and create a place for people to belong, more than programs for them to attend. Then, as you answer the questions of their heart, they want to be part of your church family. And as far as answers to questions, it’s much more about transformation than information.
2) They’ve experienced a personal crisis.
Couples in a marriage crisis
A family facing a potentially terminal illness
A young adult who’s made seriously poor life choices
The loss of a loved one
Financial disasters
The potential list is long, and even with seemingly declining interest in the organized church, there is something about it that represents comfort in tough times.
The church still represents hope in crisis.
When you step up as a church and care for those in crisis, you touch a heart and meet a need. I know that none of us personally, or our churches, can meet every need that comes through the door. But God will show you the ones He has intended for you.
3) They desire a positive spiritual influence for their children.
From families that are broken and hurting to families that are healthy and happy, they all want the best influence possible for their children.
There is a huge opportunity for all churches to create environments where kids can have fun and discover the truth of the Gospel. Kids can meet the person of Jesus and embrace values that influence the entire family for good.
This only increases as the kids get older and move into your student ministries.
Don’t underestimate the impact of your ministry to children. When children’s ministry is done poorly, it’s one of the top reasons guests do not return.
4) They seek spiritual growth.
Spiritual growth! Yes! This is why we do what we do, right? It’s not easy. We first have to define spiritual growth. Then how someone goes about achieving it.
At 12Stone we extend regular opportunities in a variety of ways for people to say yes to Jesus. Specifically, for salvation. Pastor Kevin Myers presents the Gospel in a crystal clear, and compelling way. Yet, when we have an opportunity to follow up and talk with someone who has professed faith in Christ, their testimony often includes portions of other religions and some self-help thoughts.
It can take a long time to untangle the tapestry of current religious streams and refill the void with genuine faith in Jesus as Savior. But this is our great privilege and responsibility.
Then, spiritual growth can begin, and that is a journey we are all excited about. It’s a great connection for all who seek more of God.
5) They desire genuine friendships.
Even the quietest of introverts need and want a friend or two. A real friend, someone they can talk to and count on. We all do really. Even for highly extroverted leaders whose lives are filled with people, knowing they have close friends matters.
Connecting at a heart level is something God hard-wired into our creation. We long for relationship. On a spiritual level, the relationship was broken in the garden (Gen 3) and restored through Christ. On a practical level, the relationship gives meaning and depth to our lives.
Friendship is how we express and meet that need, and your church is an excellent place for people to establish those friendships. How do you make that easy for people? What casual environments help people connect?
Helping people establish friendships may not be the core of your mission, but community is a biblical idea and is core to spiritual growth. It doesn’t have to be the lead in your purpose, but it’s a strong and worthwhile partner to all you do.
6) Their life has been personally changed.
From salvation to a restored marriage, and addiction-free to out of debt, a changed life is a compelling reason for people to continue to attend your church.
Their life is different, and they know it. Their life is better, and they know you’re adding value to who they are and what they do.
This is perhaps the greatest motivation to be part of your church, encompassing several things from personal growth to gratitude. It’s not about attendance, it’s about further spiritual progress and maturing of faith!
This is at the core of what you do. Every minute you intentionally focus on a changed life because of Jesus, it returns tremendous eternal rewards.
7) They are inspired by your vision.
How would you evaluate the momentum in your church? Is the congregation responding to the vision enthusiastically? I recently spoke with two church staff members who said that in addition to guests not returning, regular attendees are leaving their church primarily because there is no vision.
The picture and promise of a better future will inspire hope. Everyone is interested in that. Even those who are just considering faith in Christ understand hope and a positive future! People want to be part of something worthwhile, something bigger than they are, and something they can participate in. Your church can provide all these things!
Two years ago I started a legacy project for my kids that will take me eight years to complete. I partnered with Crossway books to use an Heirloom ESV Journaling Bible that is made of genuine leather and will stand the test of time. My hope is that my kids will have at least two years worth of insights, message notes and quotes that reflect what I was thinking in the two year period I was using the Bible that is really theirs. I know that what I say today will be forgotten, that even when I give them the Bible at graduation I’m not sure it will mean as much as it will one day when I am no longer here. My hope is that they will read my words and remember that their dad loved them and prayed for them. That their dad loved the Bible more than any other book. I hope my words point them to God’s word—his perfect revelation of himself.
Here is what I ended up doing:
– I used one color pen to underline verses that stood out to me for an entire year, then next year I changed pen colors so that my kids would know when I read that particular verse.
– I wrote thoughts, notes and quotes in the sides with a micron black heirloom pen and ended each section with that day’s date at the bottom.
– I wrote much of the comments in light of the fact that my kids would more than likely not read this Bible at all until one day when I am no longer here.
Here is what I learned
– I wish I had a Bible like this from each of my grandfathers. I would read it to this day. I am sometimes so curious as to what they thought about a certain passage. To have sermon notes from my grandfather who was a Presbyterian Minister would be priceless. I hope my grandkids will feel the same way.
– Knowing I have only two years and this is going to stay in the family for a long time created accountability to daily read.
– I also read and commented in the Bible while they were eating breakfast so they would one day connect the dots that I was writing to them in front of them.
– I learned that disciplines are modeled more than they are commanded. Your kids need to see you read, they need to hear you pray.
– I found I was more engaged with what I read because I wasn’t just checking off a box in a reading plan, I was writing down thoughts my grandchildren will one day read. That is a crazy sobering thought.
I want to encourage you to do something similar. It is an excellent exercise for you to grow in faith to journal, but it is even more important for your kids to hear your heart and know your thoughts long after you are gone. It is a priceless gift. How do you start? Find a journaling Bible.There are lots available. I loved the ESV Journaling Bible from Crossway; it was both beautiful and functional. You also need some good pens that won’t smudge and have archival ink. Lastly, you need to set aside time each day to grow in your faith and leave a legacy of faith for your kids and their kids. I hope you start today.
Joby Martin joins “The Stetzer ChurchLeaders Podcast” to discuss what happens when a church leader has truly been run over by the “grace train" and understands the profound love and grace of God.
