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They Never Saw This Coming

communicating with the unchurched

Have you ever noticed that the eyesight that leads you into sin is blind, but the eyesight to lead you out is presumed to be 20/20? This is the case with Joseph’s brothers. They have a plan to get out of trouble, but it’s shortsighted and poorly designed. What’s more, they don’t see the true remedy coming—even after it’s been telegraphed to them (Gen. 45).

The brothers are plagued by the guilt of the mistreatment of their Joseph decades before. If you don’t remember or are unfamiliar with what happened, let me briefly summarize. Joseph was a born into a big family. But it was as dysfunctional as it was large. With 11 brothers from four different mothers (two of which family servants), there was a fair amount of sibling rivalry. And Joseph was the favorite. His father, Jacob, was not bashful about lavishing praise on his special son. This compounded until one day when Joseph went out to meet his brothers in the field, the brothers plotted to kill him. They stripped him, beat him and threw him into a pit, leaving him for dead. After listening to reason, they decided instead of killing him they should turn a profit and sell him to some random human traffickers that happened to come by. Instead of telling their father what they did, they covered his clothes with blood and said that an animal mauled him. Joseph went to Egypt, and Jacob, the father, grieved for years.

After their father Jacob’s death, they feared retribution. Perhaps they believed that their father’s presence prevented the heavy hand of justice from their brother Joseph. Now, with him gone, they are scared. We read as much in verse 15: “When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, ‘It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him.’”

You’ll notice they don’t dodge the heinousness of it. They call it what it is, “evil.” In verse 17 they call it “transgression,” “sin” and, again, “evil.” They are not ducking this. It is precisely the heinousness of what they did that incites their fear of retaliation.

And so they want to get word to Jacob that their father had made a special request. We don’t know if Jacob did make such a request; we just don’t have a record of it.

They are so scared, they can’t even talk to him themselves. They have to send a messenger to him with this command: “Say to Joseph, ‘Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.’ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father” (Gen. 50:17).

And then further, in verse 18, his brothers also came and fell before him and said, “Behold, we are your servants.”

What is this? It’s the haunting fear of retribution. They feel it. It is real. They regret it.

Put yourself in their shoes. Have you ever felt this type of remorse? Have you done something like this to someone where you have felt so deeply contrite and remorseful? Their pleading is the number one priority of their lives. They even appeal to the merciful and covenant-keeping God of, notice, your father. They are asking Joseph to be like God and forgive them, if not for their sake, at least for his father’s and for God’s sake. Finally, they offer themselves as servants of Jacob. Enslave us. We’d rather be free from guilt and enslaved to you.

Perhaps you have never felt this type of remorse toward another person. Maybe you have been spared from this type of relational casualty.

But I do hope you have felt this type of desperation. I do hope you have entered into this type of pleading. I hope this not out of a twisted desire for your suffering but a biblical desire for your joy. I hope this because their pleading looks remarkably similar to the posture of the sinner before a holy God.

This Christian Man Built a Mosque for the Most Kind Reason

communicating with the unchurched

A Christian businessman from India has built a mosque for his Muslim workers in the United Arab Emirates.

It was a gesture of kindness from Saji Cheriyan who decided to build the mosque after watching his workers take taxis to the nearest mosque.

“They have to spend at least 20 dirhams to go to Fujairah city or another industrial area to attend the Juma prayer in a mosque. So, I thought it will make them happy if I build a mosque here next to their accommodation,” he said.

Cheriyan, an Orthodox Christian by birth, had previously built a church for his parish and also keeps the doors open in a multipurpose hall in his complex to allow Christians to pray.

India prides itself on its religious tolerance and sophistication, and Cheriyan says he wants to continue that heritage, “I have grown up seeing communities living together in utmost harmony. We celebrate all religions’ festivals and I don’t judge or treat people based on religion, caste, colour or nationality. The UAE is another example of communal harmony and tolerance.”

Cheriyan’s generosity has caught the attention of the local Awqaf, a charitable endowment under Islamic law, which typically involves donating a building, plot of land or other assets for Muslim religious or charitable purposes.  

Awqaf officials were surprised and happy when they learned a Christian wished to build a mosque. They offered financial and material support for the mosque’s construction. Cheriyan only accepted carpeting and a sound system.

He’s also made a name for himself in the community.

“When word spread about my mosque, many other people also offered cash donations, construction materials like sand and paint. But I have politely refused all those offers as I would like to pay from my pocket for this mosque.”

Construction on the mosque, named Mariam, Umm Eisa (Mary, the Mother of Jesus), began over a year ago. It can accommodate 250 worshippers at a time. Plans for another 700 to pray in the interlocked courtyard are underway.

The Men in the Orange Jumpsuits Finally Return Home for Burial

Coptic martyrs
Painting by Wael Mories

The bodies of 20 Coptic Christians who were beheaded by Islamic State terror group militants in February 2015 were finally laid to rest in Egypt’s Minya province, more than three years after they were kidnapped.

The victims appeared in an IS video lined up on a Libyan beach in orange jumpsuits, before they were executed for refusing to renounce their faith in Jesus Christ.

It is an image as recognizable and infamous as that of Thi Kim Phuc, the Vietnamese girl photographed running naked down a highway after napalm was mistakenly dropped on her village in 1972, or the man falling from the Twin Towers after 9/11.

They were buried as martyrs of the Christian faith, with Egyptian President Abdel Fatah al-Sisi himself ordering the construction of The Church of the Martyrs of Faith and Homeland in their honor.

coptic martyrs

The victims had been among the many poor Egyptians who risked their lives to find work in the lawless chaos of Libya following the downfall of Muammar Gaddafi in 2011 and civil war.

Thirteen of the 21 came from al-Our, a rural town of around 10,000 people south of Cairo.

Families of the Coptic Christians, including their children, have said that they are “proud” of the courage shown by these men.

“Everyone stood beside the martyr that belongs to him and cried a little, but they were tears of longing, nothing more,” said Bishri Ibrahim, father of Kerolos, one of the victims.

“But we are happy and joyful that they have returned to the village. This is a blessing for the country and to all Copts all over the world,” he added.

“I wanted to see Milad come back from Libya on his feet after his struggle and hard work to earn a living in a harsh life abroad,” said 55-year-old Zaki Hanna, the father of one of the victims.

“But thanks be to God, he died a hero, did not beg anyone to spare his life, and he and his brothers, the martyrs, did not abandon their faith or homeland.”

Bashir Estephanos, whose two younger brothers were killed by Islamic State in Libya, said all Christians in al-Our village had been praying for the past three years for the bodies of the martyrs to be found.

Libyan authorities recovered the bodies in October after the area where they were buried was recaptured from the militant Islamist group.

“Our Lord chose the right time for the appearance and return of the remains of the martyrs after the completion of the building of the Church of the Martyrs of Libya to receive the blessed bodies of the martyrs to be placed at the new church in the village,” Father Makar Issa, a priest at The Virgin Mary Coptic Orthodox Church in Egypt, told International Christian Concern at the time.

The remains of the victims, who were flown from Libya aboard a private jet to Cairo on Monday night, were placed inside cylinder-shaped containers covered in velvet cloth with the names of each victim and interred under the church altar.

Families said the burial place would be opened as a shrine for visitors.

Jon Sanders: Embrace Your Small Town, Don’t Try to Escape It

communicating with the unchurched

Jon Sanders is the pastor of a multi-site church in Flandreau, South Dakota. His vision is  to reach rural America and assist other pastors ministering in small towns. Jon is also the founder of the Small Town Big Church Network, a resource for pastors in rural settings. He and his wife Jessica have three children

Key Questions for Jon Sanders:

– What does the multi-site model look like in small towns?
– How do you overcome the lack of resources in a small church setting?
– How can pastors in small towns overcome a desire to move on to something larger?

[SUBSCRIBE] For more ChurchLeaders podcasts click here!

Key Quotes from Jon Sanders:

“I thought it would take a lifetime to accomplish the goals I had set. God did it in five years.”

“We’re not the well-funded army, we’re the ragtag bunch of minutemen just getting it done in the smaller setting.”

“My life stands as evidence that God does not call the equipped…He equips the called.”

“Pastors view the rural landscape as something to be escaped rather than something to be embraced.”

“Your ministry is valid…God is not put off by the small number on the population sign on the outside of your town.”

“The multi-site church lets me have the best of both worlds. I can do ministry in the smaller context…but it scratches that entrepreneurial itch to take the next hill.”

“Anytime God gives you a vision, you already can’t afford it. God is going to provide.”

“Your resources are always going to be limited…you have to be creative.”

“We were courageous to obey God…God writes way bigger stories than we can.”

“When you step out in obedience and give God room to work….he’ll give you the desires of your heart.”

Links Mentioned by Jon Sanders in the Show:

A Multi Church Site Road Trip

smalltownbigchurch.com

jon@smalltownbigchurch.com

Small town big church network

 

Stop Doing Everything

communicating with the unchurched

“Stop doing everything!”

These words pierced my heart during my first year of ministry and immediately exposed so many pain points that I had to navigate through that season of life. As a young minister right out of seminary, I wanted to do as much as possible for God’s glory. I may have had a good motivation, but I definitely had the wrong method. In my pursuit of wanting to serve God with every fiber of my being, I erroneously thought I had to pile more and more on my plate. I tried to do everything I possibly could in my first ministry. As you can imagine, it didn’t take long for me to feel exhaustion and burnout. Without healthy boundaries, I was becoming a workaholic.

Have you ever felt that pain point? Have you ever wrestled with doing everything on your own?

Being a workaholic may not be your reason for striving to do all the ministry. I’ve spoken with other pastors who have openly admitted that their motivation for hoarding all the ministry responsibility stemmed from pride. Others mentioned it provided them a sense of job security. There are several reasons for why leaders choose to do everything on their own.

I finally recognized that I needed help. So I reached out to other pastors and seminary professors for wisdom and insight. I praise the Lord for the godly men who spoke truth into my life. A consistent theme emerged from my conversations with these men—I had to stop doing everything. My desire to be effective in ministry was going to require me to make some strategic shifts in my understanding of my role as a pastor.

SHIFT #1: EQUIP THE SAINTS

During my season of ministry in Miami, I was the campus pastor of a portable church campus that met at Florida International University. Each Sunday, I would meet with a few of my college students at a warehouse in Palmetto Bay to load all of our gear into a box truck. Then I would drive the truck across the city to the campus of FIU where we would set up to have our worship services in a school auditorium. Every once in a while, someone from our crew would forget to load something that we needed to complete setting up our stage and sound system. At that moment when we found out what was missing and who was responsible for the blunder, the rest of our setup team would look at that student and in unison say the famous line, “Man, you had one job!” That phrase gets used a lot in our culture. There are so many comical memes online that display funny scenarios utilizing the phrase “You had one job” as the punchline. As funny as that phrase can be, it rings true for us who are in ministry leadership positions.

Leaders, we ultimately have one job; we are called by God to equip the saints for the work of ministry.

In Ephesians 4:11–13, the Apostle Paul reveals the primary job description for the leaders in the church:

“And he himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, 12 equipping the saints for the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God’s Son, growing into maturity with a stature measured by Christ’s fullness.” (CSB)

Leaders, we ultimately have one job; we are called by God to equip the saints for the work of ministry.

In God’s Kingdom, the success of our leadership is not going to be gauged by all the skills and knowledge we acquire; it is ultimately going to be measured by how many people we develop. Don’t miss this simple truth: The effectiveness of a ministry leader is not measured by all the things that only he can do, but rather by all the people he has equipped to do the things that he does.

In God’s Kingdom, the success of our leadership is not going to be gauged by all the skills and knowledge we acquire; it is ultimately going to be measured by how many people we develop.

God wants leaders to activate the spiritual gifts in church members by equipping them to do ministry.

SHIFT #2: EMBRACE THE LEADERSHIP PARADOX

A paradox is a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality, expresses a possible truth. My years in ministry have led me to accept the following leadership paradox: The most effective leaders are both indispensable and replaceable.

You might be thinking, “That makes no sense. How can you be indispensable and replaceable?” Allow me to elaborate on this paradox a little more. A leader is most valuable to the church when he develops people who can partner with him in ministry. Leaders who can replace themselves by developing and deploying people to do the work of ministry truly become indispensable to the church. So in essence, you are most valuable when you are able to multiply your influence by developing people to engage in ministry.

Some pastors and ministry leaders don’t want to give ministry away because they are afraid the church will think they don’t need them anymore. I believe the opposite to be true. I think the best form of job security is constantly trying to work yourself out of a job.

Some pastors and ministry leaders don’t want to give ministry away because they are afraid the church will think they don’t need them anymore.

SHIFT #3: DEVELOP MORE LEADERS

As you equip the saints for the work of ministry, you should also identify and develop future leaders.

Your responsibility as a leader is to make more leaders. Eric Geiger writes, “The fruit of an effective leader is not merely followers but other leaders. Leaders are responsible for future leadership.” Leaders who faithfully develop other leaders have the potential to leave a lasting legacy

Effective leaders stop doing everything and start equipping others to live out their calling from God to make disciples of all nations.

This article originally appeared here

What the Word of God Says About the Word of God, Book by Book

communicating with the unchurched

What God says about his word is a deep, complex and staggering thing. And each book of the written word testifies to the wonder of his revelation. I decided to take a look, book by book, selecting a representative passage from each to highlight many of the things God’s word says about God’s words.

The word of God is…

Effectual

Genesis 1:3 – And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

Personal

Exodus 6:2 – God spoke to Moses and said to him, “I am the Lord.”

Authoritative

Leviticus 20:22 – You shall therefore keep all my statutes and all my rules and do them, that the land where I am bringing you to live may not vomit you out.

Exclusive

Numbers 15:31 – Because he has despised the word of the Lord and has broken his commandment, that person shall be utterly cut off; his iniquity shall be on him.

Necessary

Deuteronomy 8:3 – And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Rewarding

Joshua 1:8 – This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.

Singable(!)

Judges 5:11 – To the sound of musicians at the watering places,
there they repeat the righteous triumphs of the Lord,
the righteous triumphs of his villagers in Israel.

Redemptive

Ruth 4:14-15 – Then the women said to Naomi, “Blessed be the Lord, who has not left you this day without a redeemer, and may his name be renowned in Israel! He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him.”

Decisive

1 Samuel 15:23 – Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,
he has also rejected you from being king.

Infallible

2 Samuel 22:31 – This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Reliable

1 Kings 17:24 – And the woman said to Elijah, “Now I know that you are a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in your mouth is truth.”

Convicting

2 Kings 22:11 – When the king heard the words of the Book of the Law, he tore his clothes.

Enduring

1 Chronicles 16:12,15 – Remember the wondrous works that he has done,
his miracles and the judgments he uttered… Remember his covenant forever,
the word that he commanded, for a thousand generations.

Preeminent

2 Chronicles 18:4 – And Jehoshaphat said to the king of Israel, “Inquire first for the word of the Lord.”

Practical

Ezra 7:10 – For Ezra had set his heart to study the Law of the Lord, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel.

Proclamation

Nehemiah 8:2-3 – So Ezra the priest brought the Law before the assembly, both men and women and all who could understand what they heard, on the first day of the seventh month. And he read from it facing the square before the Water Gate from early morning until midday, in the presence of the men and the women and those who could understand. And the ears of all the people were attentive to the Book of the Law.

Peculiar

Esther 3:8 – Then Haman said to King Ahasuerus, “There is a certain people scattered abroad and dispersed among the peoples in all the provinces of your kingdom. Their laws are different from those of every other people, and they do not keep the king’s laws, so that it is not to the king’s profit to tolerate them.”

Miraculous

Job 37:5 – God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend.

Illuminating

Psalm 119:105 – Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Cynicism Sucks

communicating with the unchurched

Someone once said, “Life would be easy if people weren’t so dumb!”

As acknowledged in a previous post (found here), I’m far from perfect and living around a bunch of people who are less than too.

It’s a human thing.

It’s also frustrating.

And that exasperation with our human condition often leads to a nasty case of cynicism. We don’t trust people. We think everyone is selfish, mean and stupid. (Everyone but us, of course.)

Sadly, cynicism spreads through our soul like a virus, causing negativism that often leads to discouragement.

People suck. My job and boss suck. My church sucks. The world sucks! So I’m just going to crawl into a hole and die!

For the record, cynicism is a problem because this soul virus is contagious and rarely leads to any meaningful change in us or in others.

We complain. A lot. But nothing healthy comes from our grumbling. Because we’re fixed on the problems, we often fail to get on the solution side of life’s challenges.

Many years ago, my pastor at the time, Roy Hicks Jr., was asked at a pastors’ gathering, “What do you consider your greatest success?” He was the pastor of a megachurch before there were many megas. He’d also written a worship song (Praise the Name of Jesus) that was known worldwide.

I thought Roy would point to something amazing like the size and impact of his church, Faith Center. Instead, without hesitation, he said, “My greatest success is that I haven’t grown cynical in my leadership.”

As a 20-something pastor, I thought that was the dumbest answer ever! As a 60-something pastor today, I get it.

It’s easy, too easy, to go through life’s trials and the many challenges of living with a planet full of broken and critical people and to get mad—or worse—to give up.

Please don’t.

I love history, and I especially enjoy reading the biographies of great men and women. One of the things I’ve noticed is how people like Abraham Lincoln, Hellen Keller, Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King Jr. always found a way to stay the course.

They didn’t wallow in misery.

They didn’t throw their hands up in disgust.

They didn’t get consumed by the negative.

They chose to believe that change was possible no matter how dark the road or how large the struggle before them.

In today’s world, I’m afraid it’s easy to focus on all that’s wrong, broken and evil while forgetting that God wants you and me to be change agents.

Our challenge is to be salt and light. Meaning a seasoning that flavors for good and a glowing beacon that shows people a better way—God’s way.

Cynicism is more like too much cayenne pepper because it burns. And it’s like a smothering darkness because it blinds rather than illuminates.

It won’t be easy, but guard your heart, and don’t become a cynic.

Change is possible, and it starts with you.

Who in your community is understanding and wise? Let his example, which is marked by wisdom and gentleness, blaze a trail for others. – JAMES 3:13  (VOICE)

This article originally appeared here.

Pastor, Do You Need a Pastor?

communicating with the unchurched

“The whole purpose of spiritual direction is to penetrate beneath the surface of a man’s life, to get behind the façade of conventional gestures and attitudes which he presents to the world, and to bring out his inner spiritual freedom, his inmost truth, which is what we call the likeness of Christ in his soul.”
Thomas Merton   


It was over 20 years ago now when, as a young leader, I crept into a spiritual director’s office desperate for help. A grown up pastor’s kid in my early 30s, on staff at a church I loved, busy with a growing family, and just beginning to embark on a public life of writing and speaking…I was aware of things in my life that needed fixing and longings that were painfully unmet.

There were emotions from past pains and current disappointments that I did not know how to resolve. There was a level of selfishness being exposed in the crucible of marriage and family life that I did not know how to shift or change. There was a performance-oriented driven-ness that I did not know how to quiet. There was a longing for more, but more of what?

I had tried everything that had been offered in my own Protestant evangelical upbringing to fix what was broken and fill what was lacking—more Bible study, more prayer, more relevant sermons, trying harder, Christian self-help books—but to no avail. In the midst of the outward busyness of my “professional” pastoral life there was an inner chaos that was far more disconcerting than anything that was going on externally.

Help Is on the Way

As a young leader, I was also aware that this was not a good time to admit to any kind of spiritual emptiness or acknowledge serious questions about my faith. I understood intuitively that this was a time for being “good,” for being available when people called, for maintaining outward evidence of spiritual maturity commensurate with the responsibilities I carried. It was a time to do what was needed in order to keep ascending the ladder of professional success and I knew it; yet my interior groanings were real and needed attention.

For me, help came through a spiritual director, although I didn’t even know what one was at the time. Our paths crossed because she was a psychologist. I sought her out for therapy because I assumed that my problems were psychological in nature and could be fixed at that level.

Psychological insight was indeed valuable; eventually, however, she observed that what I needed was spiritual direction and suggested that we shift the focus of our times together to my relationship with God. She told me that the questions I was raising were actually invitations to deeper intimacy with God and they needed to be dealt with in that context. It was a welcome invitation and I trusted her, so we made the shift.

As I stayed faithful to my own spiritual journey under the tutelage of this wise guide, spiritual direction became one of the most important disciplines in my life as a leader. It remains so to this day. As I look back on all that has emerged since then, I realize that the journey would have been a very different one were it not for the presence of a spiritual guide who could help me pay attention to the risky invitations of God in my life and who could support me in saying a courageous yes.

Welcoming Desperation

I am not the only leader to have come to spiritual direction by way of desperation. Many pastors and leaders today are acknowledging an inner emptiness—a desire for the More—in the midst of outward busyness and even outward success. They experience the same feelings of spiritual “stuck-ness” as I did, and may even be entertaining thoughts of leaving ministry due to the lack of ability to craft a way of life that works and helps them find God in the midst of it all. The heart cry sounds something like this: “In the midst of all I am doing for God and for others, is there anything in this for me?

So where does a leader go to articulate questions that seem so dangerous and doubts that seem so unsettling? Who pastors the pastor? Who provides spiritual leadership for the leader? Oftentimes it is a spiritual director.

It can be very hard for us as pastors and leaders to seek out spiritual direction because it represents something of a role reversal. Since we are accustomed to being the leader, submitting to someone else’s guidance or admitting the need for such guidance can be a humbling experience. For many of us stubborn folks, desire and/or desperation may be the only dynamics powerful enough to cause us to humble ourselves and seek the guidance we need. The good news is that desperation opens us to possibilities we might not otherwise be open to—like spiritual direction!

Somewhere Safe With Somebody Good

When I first entered into spiritual direction, I remember being overwhelmed and embarrassed by the state I was in and the questions I was bringing. I needed reassurance that the needs, the desires and the desperate feelings I was experiencing were normal. How grateful I was for a director who helped me see these inner dynamics as a wonderful starting place for new spiritual journeying! Her confidence that this was so normalized my experience, helping me relax into the whole thing.

As I gained confidence that this relationship really was a safe place for asking questions and exploring issues that were lurking under the surface of my leadership, simply knowing I had such a place began to release pressure that had been building up for a long time. Leadership, by its very nature, is something of a pressure cooker because we are constantly being scrutinized and evaluated while being expected to perform at fairly high levels. Having a safe place far outside our leadership context in which to attend to our own souls is a great gift.

If you think about it, the “normal” person has many options for seeking spiritual guidance and sustenance (churches, synagogues, a relationship with a pastor, priest or rabbi, spirituality centers, para-church ministry organizations that cater to specific groups); pastors and spiritual leaders, however, often find themselves feeling very isolated at the soul level since everyone is looking to them for soul care. Like it or not, it is not always appropriate to share the depth of our doubts, the full weight of our questions or the shocking details of our growing edges with those we are leading because it could create uncertainty among them. This is a fine line we all walk.

4 Types of Unconnected People and How to Connect Them

communicating with the unchurched

Have you picked up on the fact that unconnected people are different in some ways than connected people? If you have, you are already moving in the right direction. Next, though, you understand there are four main types of unconnected people, and how you might connect them depends on improving your understanding of their needs and interests.

There are four main types of unconnected people.

1. Busy with other priorities and commitments. This segment of unconnected people is a very large and quite diverse group. It includes everyone frantically preoccupied as their children’s chauffeurs as well as those whose own extracurricular activities crowd out the truly important. It also includes those who have commitments to church functions and activities that produce little more than sideways energy. See also, A Smörgåsbord of Destinations VS Sequential and Tailored Next Steps and Small Group Ministry Roadblock #2: A Bloated Belong and Become Menu.

2. Satisfied customers of a less than recommended or minimum dose. Another large group of unconnected people, members of this group are unaware or unconvinced that they are missing anything. If you are communicating about the importance of being connected and its vital role in producing life-change, they are either not getting the signal or the signal is unclear. See also, Determining the Minimum or Recommended Dose.

3. Dissatisfied former customers. The size of this group of unconnected people is determined by several factors (i.e., the quality of your leader development pathway, the effectiveness of your coaching structure, clearly communicated expectations, etc.). While it is rarely a large group, it is important to understand their objections and concerns. See also, Skill Training: Equip Your Coaches to Develop and Disciple Your Leaders and Small Group Ministry Roadblock #5: A Leadership Development Disconnect.

4. Infrequent attenders. The size of this group is determined by a few key factors (most importantly, the size of your “crowd”). They may share some common traits with the first two types of unconnected people, but they are distinct in that their attendance pattern makes any awareness of the importance of connecting unlikely. Unless you make a strong case for the importance of being connected every week, it is likely they know nothing about it.

How to Connect Unconnected People

First, keep the needs and interests of unconnected people in mind. Their interests and needs are not the same as those who are already connected.

Second, relentlessly communicate the importance of being connected. Talk about the recommended or minimum dose on a regular basis (announcements, messages, bulletins, website, newsletters, etc.). Take the mystery away along with any confusion.

Third, teach your congregation to prioritize the main things. Clarify the main things. Challenge the presence of menu items that distract from the minimum dose.

Fourth, focus on raising the quality of the experience in every group. Build an effective coaching structure, identify a leadership pathway that develops leaders out of hosts, and constantly clarify expectations.

What Seminary Didn’t Teach John Piper

communicating with the unchurched


There are quite a few blogs and articles circulating these days asking prominent pastors “What didn’t seminary teach you” or some variation of that question. The questions lead many to wonder, “why go to seminary?”

In this video, John Piper is asked that question and starts by saying, he doesn’t like the question.  He complains that seminaries are too often criticized for not preparing future pastors for “1,000 things you’re going to find in ministry that simply cannot be covered in seminary.”

Instead, his expectation of seminary which Piper says he loved, was to give him the means of knowing scripture and knowing God.

With that caveat he answers a similar question, “What lesson did I learn?” in seminary.

Piper says it is this, “Don’t quit,” adding “Call on the Lord, he is faithful.”

“In ministry you can be so discouraged. You might not even be able to understand why. You might have chest tightening frustration with your marriage.”

“Those are sure to come,” Piper warns, but when they do, what he learned in seminary was “Don’t quit. Don’t walk away”.  Instead, emulate the message in Psalm 40:

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”

Piper says the key to that text– when David was in the miry clay, he waited on the Lord.

What Piper learned from seminary is in times of paralyzing discouragement, don’t make any big decision about walking away from the ministry or from your spouse.

Seminary’s lesson to John Piper– “I will wait patiently on the Lord.”

Are Facebook and Google Meddling in the Irish Abortion Vote?

communicating with the unchurched

In sports, it’s widely agreed upon that the best umpires are the ones you barely notice.

In social media, the umpires have stolen the headlines.

On May 25, Ireland will hold a referendum to decide whether to repeal the eighth amendment in the Irish constitution, an amendment that holds the life of the unborn to be equal to that of the mother, all but implementing a complete ban on abortion throughout the country and giving Ireland some of the strictest abortion laws in the world. It would be replaced by a law allowing abortion up to 12 weeks. The question has spawned a pro-life movement to save the 8th.

The world is not only watching this vote, it’s sending money to influence it, especially interested parties on both sides of the abortion debate in the United States.  

Save the 8th campaign focuses on social media

If you’re looking to influence a vote in Ireland, social media is your only option because political ads are banned from TV and radio. In response, Google has banned all online advertising connected to the referendum and Facebook is limiting ad sales to organizations based in Ireland.

The worries over external funding, especially the possibility of large sums of money coming from the U.S., are the result of news that firms who played a part in Trump and Brexit’s online campaigns have been hired to work with Save the 8th (the pro-life group in Ireland). On the pro-abortion side, the money has already been flowing into Ireland. Earlier this year, donations from billionaire George Soros had to be returned as they were deemed unlawful outside influence.

The restrictions come just days before the vote, causing pro-life groups to claim the goalposts are being moved in the middle of the game.  

At a press conference of a group of No campaigners on Wednesday, pro-life spokespeople accused the government, the media and the Yes side of orchestrating the Google ban to try to rig the referendum in favor of a Yes vote.

The No side said that it had planned significant spending through Google and YouTube in the coming weeks and that the ban was “preventing campaigns that have done nothing illegal from campaigning in a perfectly legal matter.”

Frontpage.org accused Facebook of outright bias. The social media giant rejected several articles from being distributed on their platform that had been aggregated by Frontpage.org and sourced from Irish media sources regarding the referendum. This happened after Facebook had originally approved the distribution of the article several days before.

The Yes campaign is in the lead, but polls have been tightening recently, and the 20 percent of Irish voters who say they are still undecided are thought to hold the key to the referendum result.

Google and Facebook point to analysis of online posts by the social media news agency Storyful to support their restrictions. It found that only a third of advertisements urging a No vote—which would preserve the strict abortion law—came from Facebook pages managed solely in Ireland. In contrast, four-fifths of posts urging repeal of the amendment came from pages managed solely in Ireland.

Banning or limiting ads now would prevent a flurry of foreign interests buying ads to influence swing voters in the final days before the referendum.

And history suggests that might happen. Pro-life groups claim that pro-abortion groups in Ireland have received sizable donations from Atlantic Philanthropies, a private foundation backed by Irish-American billionaire Chuck Feeney. Meanwhile, pro-life groups in the U.S. have donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to like-minded allies in Ireland.

Save the 8th campaign says social media is silencing Irish voices

But here’s the irony that many Irish pundits are pointing out—Google and Facebook are foreign players that are influencing the vote by silencing Irish voices.

Frontpage.org says Facebook has been blocking original opinion pieces from reputed Irish journalists regarding their own personal views on the referendum. Facebook also suspended distribution of a letter signed by over 100 legal professionals regarding their position on the referendum. This was reported as news in several Irish papers, but the original letter had not been published in its totality before Frontpage.org decided to allow its readers to review the unedited thoughts of these professionals on a historic issue.

In an opinion piece on its site Frontpage writes, “It is also our view that Facebook should not be in the business of banning Irish lawyers, Irish journalists and Irish news from being shared with its citizens on its platform.”

Ed Morrissey, a conservative American blogger, claims, “At the very least, it would appear that the intervention from both Facebook and Google is not viewpoint-neutral and is intended to produce a particular result in the referendum.”

Many could see that as a political statement given his views on the topic, but his conclusion appears both unbiased and dead-on:

“It again reminds us that concentrated economic power eventually gets used as political power and that it can corrupt even those processes and policies intended as reforms, especially when combined as they appear to be in this case.”

12 Killers of Good Leadership

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In my experience, and some I learned the hard way, there are a few common killers of the Christian leader.

I decided to compile a list of some of the most potent killers I’ve observed over the years. Any one of these can squelch good leadership. It’s like a wrecking ball of potential. If not addressed, they may even prove to be fatal.

It’s not that the person can’t continue to lead, but to grow as a leader—to be successful at a higher level or for the long-term—they must address these killers.

12 Killers of a Christian Leader:

  1. Defensiveness – Good leaders don’t wear their feelings on their shoulders. They know others’ opinions matter and aren’t afraid to be challenged. They are confident enough to absorb the wounds intended to help them grow.
  2. Jealousy – A good leader enjoys watching others on the team excel—and is even willing to help them.
  3. Revenge – The leader that succeeds for the long-term must be forgiving; graceful—knowing that “getting even” only comes back to harm them and the organization.
  4. Fearfulness – A good leader remains committed when no one else is and takes risks no one else will. Others will follow. It is what leaders do.
  5. Favoritism – Good leaders don’t have favorites on the team. They reward for results not partiality.
  6. Ungratefulness – Good leaders value people—genuinely—knowing they cannot attain success without others.
  7. Small-mindedness – Good leaders think bigger than today. They are dreamers and idea people.
  8. PridefulnessPride comes before the fall. Good leaders remain humbled by the position of authority entrusted to them.
  9. Rigidity – There are some things to be rigid about, such as values and vision, but for most issues, the leader must be open to change. Good leaders welcome new ideas, realizing that most everything can be improved.
  10. Laziness – One can’t be a good leader and not be willing to work hard. In fact, the leader should be willing to be the hardest worker on the team.
  11. Unresponsiveness – Good leaders don’t lead from behind closed doors. They are responsive to the needs and desires of those they attempt to lead. They respond to concerns and questions. They collaborate more than control. Leaders who close themselves off from those they lead will limit the places where others will follow.
  12. Dishonesty – Since character counts highest, a good leader must be above reproach. When a leader fails, he or she must admit their mistake and work toward restoration.

A leader may struggle with one or more of these, but the goal should be to lead “killer-free.” Leader, be honest, which of these wrecking balls do you struggle with most?

What would you add to my list?

This article originally appeared here.

We Are Not Healthy and We Are Not Fooling Anyone

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I’m troubled by what’s happening in my denomination. I was born and raised in a Southern Baptist Church. I’ve been a Southern Baptist all my life. I’ve watched our denomination go through the Conservative Resurgence and a return to the inerrancy of Scripture. Yet, there are issues that can’t be ignored and problems that won’t seemingly go away.

After a recent trip to Israel, I was reminded how religion can dilute or ultimately destroy us. Religion is about rules. Christ is about relationships. We’ve got more rules than Congress. We’ve got committees, studies, boards, committees, boards, committees, boards, and, did I mention, committees and boards. Yet, when given the opportunity to reflect the growing diversity of our denomination, recent recommendations reflected an old south, white guy religion of days gone by. At least I thought they were days gone by. Apparently, old ways die hard.

Recently our local association voted unanimously to disassociate itself with a church that was acting in ways that could only be defined as racist and hateful. There was no desire for a mediator or reconciliation. The only choice left to our local leaders was to send the message that we want no part of that kind of church in this local cooperative association of churches.

I’m not a denominational guy. I’ve never gotten into trying to be on boards or platforms. God has allowed me to serve the IMB as a trustee, to speak at a few of our colleges and seminaries, and to serve as President of the SBC Pastors’ Conference. That being said, I never sought those positions. My plate is full pastoring a local church. I’ve got all I can say grace over. At the same time, my heart aches when I think about what we could be as a denomination. So, I have a few recommendations.

1. We need a purging and a revival that clears the path for people to see past skin.

I’m sure this will get fixed, but we are in the 21st century—it should have been fixed decades ago. We are one in Christ. In Christ, there is no Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female. All are one in Him. It’s one thing to say that, but it’s another to model it. Only revival will clear away prejudice, self-righteousness, arrogance, and prideful religion and rules.

We are having what amounts to a political campaign for the office of president of the Southern Baptist Convention. This troubles me on multiple levels. It has divided friends, caused many to make caustic and derogatory remarks, and gotten us in the muck and mire of politics. I believe we can be for a candidate without being political and against another candidate. The current mentality smells of “I am of Cephas, Apollos, Paul…” and that’s not healthy. In fact, it’s carnal. While I believe one candidate will position us for engaging the next generation of leaders better than the other, it’s not healthy for our witness to a lost world to look like the Republicans and Democrats.

2. Stop the politics. No more cheap shots. Vote for your guy, and pray for the other guy too.

We need to come out of this united, not divided. It is increasingly apparent to me as I get closer to the finish line that we aren’t doing a great job of passing on our heritage. Most young pastors have no clue who men like Adrian Rogers, Ron Dunn, Manley Beasley and Vance Havner were. They have no idea about the impact of Ms. Bertha Smith on our foreign missions. While I agree that every generation has its leaders and heroes, I don’t think it’s wise to create a culture which implies that nothing significant happened before I showed up on the scene. Eventually, people are forgotten. But the Jewish people have something to teach us here, as does the book of Hebrews. They often rehearsed their history and their leaders. They passed on to their children memorable stories of God’s faithfulness and God’s leaders. Men and women were honored for stepping in and leading, speaking and serving in times of need.

Start a required class in every seminary on the great leaders of our faith. Years ago, I did videos of men like Ron Dunn, Don Miller, Bill Stafford, Lehman Strauss and others. I sat down with them to interview them about life and ministry. I still glean from these lessons learned from my “conversations with the giants.”

3) We are a prayerless denomination.

There is no national prayer leader for Southern Baptists. There are para-church organizations and speakers who do a great job of talking about the necessity of prayer, but our convention has no such recognized leader. If there is one, we don’t know what to do with them. We’ve canceled prayer meetings in most of our churches. Or, the prayer meeting is relegated to the hospital list. We have pockets of churches that have vital and vibrant prayer ministries, but they are the exception, not the rule. You would think that a denomination that believes in the inerrancy of Scripture and has studied the impact of prayer in Acts and the writings of Paul would be able to step up our game by getting on our knees.

If we are going to have committees for everything else, form a study group at the next convention to lead our denomination to upgrade our emphasis on prayer. Make it tangible on our college campuses and seminaries. Make prayer retreats a part of the agenda for all our boards and entities. Totally change the annual meeting, as Ronnie Floyd did, to include at least one morning, evening or afternoon as a concert of prayer.

4) Bring multi-generational pastors together in smaller groups to encourage intimacy, dialogue, and interaction that can’t happen in arena settings.

We are in a generational shift. The guys my age, many saved during the days of the Jesus Movement, have retired or are approaching retirement. The baton is being passed. We aren’t always doing a great job of handing off the baton. I think some folks retire too early. I also think some just hang on and coast to the finish line. If we are just coasting, we need to get to the rest stop as quickly as possible and change drivers. If we are engaged, casting vision and preaching with passion, we need to take some young pastors and develop relationships with them. I’m blessed to pastor a church that is planting churches. We’ve got some incredible young pastors who are leading those plants and leading well. I want to intentionally help them to be successful. I want to be one of their greatest cheerleaders.

We have some seasoned saints who are still with us. We need to ask them to help us cross this river. While we have men like Tom Elliff and Jimmy Draper and others, we need to have meetings in every state where there is a partnership between NAMB, IMB, state conventions and others where these men of God can invest in, teach, and train the next generation of leaders. I’ve had Tom and Jimmy do that for our staff in recent years. Their insights gained through decades of faithful leadership have been a gold mine of lessons learned and traps to avoid.

Stop Bowing to the God of Busyness

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How are you at resting versus being busy all the time?

I don’t do rest. I do.

I’m one of those obnoxious types who thrives on little sleep, has more-than-average amounts of energy, and derives probably too much pleasure from the sound of my pen striking through an item on my to-do list. Big cities like the one I live in are filled with people like me—all diligently competing to get the most done, feel the most important, and accomplish all our life goals.

But when people like me meet the God of rest, we have a problem.

Always Being Busy Is Not a Virtue

Smug senses of superiority for being busy and accomplishing many tasks don’t fit neatly into God’s kingdom. Measuring oneself by achievements doesn’t match up with a gospel that saves by grace, not by more work. I believe the gospel, and I’ve received grace upon grace. So why do I—and so many other Western Christians—keep falling into the trap of doing more?

Two Gods

In the church it can be just as bad. Join a small group. Oh, and a service team. And bring a cake to the youth bake sale. And could you just swing by for the volunteer day? Before you know it, we are working pretty hard for a God who saves by grace. Even if you observe a sabbath, you might work pretty hard to do it! Again I ask, why?

To fall into the trap of perpetual busyness is to confuse the God of the Bible with the god of this world. They’re not the same. The story of the exodus and the triumph of the cross prove as much. The god of this world and the God of the Bible speak differently to our work.

I recently came across an Oxford study on busyness. The authors make the compelling claim that a busy and overworked lifestyle, rather than a leisurely lifestyle, has become an aspirational status symbol. In other words, the busier you look, the more important you can think yourself to be. “I’m just sooo busy” has become the new status symbol.

As a pastor, I get this all the time. “Oh Pastor Adam, I would have reached out to you, but I know you’re so busy.” This is intended as some kind of weird compliment, but it’s not. It’s sad. The god of this world is a taskmaster who demands constant busyness.

Ancient deities demanded the ceaseless work of slaves, the bodies of children and the fires of war to ensure a good harvest. In our modern age, we laugh at such primitive beliefs, but we’re just as pagan. The god of this world demands slavish work for our bosses, undernourished relationships with our kids, and the fires of political fervor to keep the “harvest” of that hoped-for raise and planned-for retirement.

Being busy isn’t a virtue; it’s often a vice. Of course, God has told us as much:

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. (Ps. 127:2)

The God of Scripture isn’t impressed by busyness; he’s moved by love. When we remember he loves us and, at the end of all our work, we utterly depend on him for everything, we can rest well. Really well. It’s the god of this world who is the author of a system where busyness is a status symbol. To the true God, it’s just sad.

The Ebb and Flow of Physical Attraction in Marriage

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The following article about attraction in marriage is an adapted excerpt from Debra Fileta’s brand new book, Choosing Marriage, and is used by permission (Chapter 8, Sex Marks the Spot: From Infatuation to Adoration)

Have you ever felt a lack of physical attraction in marriage?

I asked that question in a survey of over 1,000 married people. I was astounded to find that half admitted struggling with a lack of physical attraction toward their spouse.

The ebbs and flows of physical attraction are a normal part of the marriage experience. And to me, they are not concerning because a good marriage is made up of so much more than the physical. In those moments when physical attraction may find itself on the back burner, what holds a strong marriage together is every other attraction two people have built along the way. The magnetic force of commitment, time and experience all wrapped up into one can bring a couple together in a way that no one but God could think of.

Maybe some of you are in a stage of life where you have lost sight of the many things that hold you and your spouse together. Maybe you’re struggling to find an attraction, and it’s starting to have an impact on your sexual relationship. I counseled a young man who was having a hard time finding that physical spark toward his wife. He found himself dwelling on the physical attributes she was lacking, comparing her to the other women he would see. I shared with him three big picture themes I address with couples who are dealing with a lack of physical attraction in marriage, and I want to share them with you as well.

3 Major Roadblocks to Physical Attraction in Marriage

1. Your Mind

When it comes to our sexual lives, the things we give our time, our thoughts, and our energy to are what will grow, while the things we neglect to invest in will naturally wither. Our sexual palates are shaped and molded based on what we’ve been exposed to in the past, as well as what we expose ourselves to along the way. The more we fill our minds with junk like pornography and explicit movies and novels, the more we’ll be enslaved to those unrealistic sexual expectations, and in turn, sabotage our most intimate relationships. As it’s often said, junk in equals junk out.

But let me be clear. This is not just about disciplining our minds by saying no to overt trash, but also about learning to discipline our minds even when faced with the day-to-day opportunities for lust and temptation.

As the young man in the story above began to eliminate the bad and concentrate on the good, his attraction toward his wife began to grow anew, and his desire for her began to take shape all over again.

One thing I especially love about the Song of Solomon is the way the couple spends time “concentrating” on the good in each other. Both the lover and the beloved spend verse after verse going back and forth, simply describing in detail the things they love about each other.

Imagine if we apply that same drive and focus, that same “concentration,” to the way we view our spouse? I mean, what would happen if we consistently zoom in on their strengths, talents, and character, and speak them out loud? What if we simply appreciate them for who they are, rather than dwell on who we want them to be? This doesn’t just apply to our physical attraction and sex lives; it applies to every aspect of our marriages. Concentrate on the good, eliminate the bad, and you’ll find your physical attraction in marriage achieving heights you never imagined.

2. Your Body

Another important step toward rekindling physical attraction in marriage is taking inventory of your physical health as a couple. We often apply 1 Corinthians 6:20 (“Honor God with your bodies”) to our spiritual and emotional decisions, but fail to apply it to our physical decisions as well. What we eat and drink as well as how we invest in our physical health and well-being are all decisions that can be used to honor God with our bodies, or not. But not only are we honoring God when we choose to invest in our personal health; we’re honoring our spouse by giving them the best version of ourselves.

This is so much more important than simply trying to achieve a certain weight or a specific clothing size. It’s not about that at all. It’s about health, and wholeness, and learning the discipline of striving to do the best we can with what we’ve been given. Something about taking responsibility for our health in this way is truly appealing and attractive because it shows we care. Our physical health and well-being are a gift we give to ourselves as well as to our spouse.

It’s important for each one of us to take inventory of where we are with how we care for our bodies and the impact it may be having on our sex lives. A few of us might be able to say we eat well and exercise frequently. But most of us have room for improvement. There’s no better time than the present to take those next steps in getting your physical health to a better place. Work with your spouse to set achievable goals, integrate exercise into your time together, and create healthy menus. Keep each other encouraged and accountable as you move toward a place of honoring both God and each other with how you care for your bodies.

3 Mistakes Every Worship Leader Should Avoid

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Do people connect to God through your service, or are they simply clapping along?

It’s good to reflect on this type of question when evaluating your church’s worship service. Why? Because whether you have a well-seasoned team for worship or a crowd of fresh faces, analyzing your worship service allows you to see blind spots you might otherwise miss. Believe it or not, many worship leaders can actually hinder their services by committing a few easy-to-fix mistakes.

These mistakes may not be obvious blunders. In fact, they often occur slowly over time. But, if given enough time, they’ll stunt your church’s growth and make it more difficult for your congregation to engage in the service.

Here are three of the most common mistakes.

Mistake 1: You don’t align with your pastor.

You handle the music and he/she handles the preaching, right?

Not necessarily.

Connecting with your pastor is crucial as it helps tear down silos and move as a cohesive unit toward a God-sized vision for your church.

Mistake 2: You never interact with the congregation OFF stage.

This doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with everyone in your church.

But, as worship leaders, the more we know about the people in our worship services and are able to empathize with their struggles, the better we’re able to lead them during the worship time.

Mistake 3: You don’t move to moments.

Here’s what we mean by that.

Sometimes it’s easy to simply stand up and go from one song to the next. But, as you and your team prepare, try to identify the spot in the set or song that would be a powerful moment for people if a verse was read, or a chorus was repeated.

Being aware of these moments gives people an opportunity to see who God is even more.

 

Why Weren’t Many Single Moms in Your Church on Mother’s Day?

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Allow me to ask you some questions.

  1. Did you see any single mothers in your church on Mother’s Day?
  2. Did you take a few minutes to look around for a single mom sitting alone in your midst?
  3. Do you know why the single moms were not in church on such a special day?

For many single moms, Mother’s Day is the worst of any holiday, even worse than Valentine’s or Christmas. If the single mom had her kids, then she would have been more likely to attend church. If her kids were with the other parent, then she probably didn’t come to church.

Not having your kids with you on Mother’s Day shouts, “You are not worthy of being celebrated because there is something wrong with you because you are divorced (separated, never married, etc.).” More than anything it shouts “failure.” This is especially true if it is a recent separation or divorce. The wounds are still fresh and the thought of being alone on a day when families are celebrating their mom can be very painful.

Why is it important to notice the single moms? Because every single mom represents a child in your community that could be attending your church and learning about the love of God and salvation through Christ His son. I don’t know that anyone has actually done a study on it but I would venture to say the percentage of single moms attending church on Mother’s Day without their children with them is less than 10 percent.

What can you do now?

You may be wondering now that Mother’s Day is over what can you do about it or why bother. Some of you are thinking you’re too busy but you promise to follow up next year. A year is a long time for a stressed single mom. A lot of hurt and pain will have flowed by her in a year, and if she doesn’t fit or feel wanted in your church, she will continue this journey alone. Children will be lost to the Kingdom because mom will be less inclined to attend church the rest of the year.

What can you do now that Mother’s Day is over?

  • Think back or check your church attendance records to see if single moms were in attendance on Mother’s Day.
  • Send each single mom that wasn’t there an email or text, or pick up the phone and give them a call. Better yet pick out a special greeting card and send it to them with a personal note.
  • Be upbeat and friendly when you talk to them.
  • Ask them what hindered them from attending church on Mother’s Day.

You might be surprised when the single mom starts talking. You may be blessed to learn what you could do to ease the pain next year.

In all the years I was a single mom no one ever asked me why I missed church on Mother’s Day. I wish someone had said something so I could have explained what it was like to come to church without my children on a day when mothers were being celebrated. There were years I couldn’t handle having to stand alone when they asked all the mothers to stand.

  • Pray for each single mom that didn’t attend church. Let them know they are being prayed for and over.

What else could you do to encourage a single mother?

This article originally appeared here.

The Good and Bad of Silence During Small Group Conversations

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Scenario 1

  • The small group leader asked the group a question.
  • Silence
  • Then one group member asked, “Can you repeat the question please?”
  • The group leader repeated the question.
  • Silence
  • Then the group leader said to the group, “It’s not that hard!”
  • All of a sudden several group members replied with answers to the question.

Scenario 2

  • The small group leader asked the group a question.
  • Silence
  • Then one group member asked, “Can you repeat the question please?”
  • The group leader repeated the question.
  • Silence
  • Eventually one group member responded to the leader’s question. No one else.

These scenarios are real. They took place in small group meetings I attended.

Both of these scenarios are very similar. But they show different ways we can improve leading small group conversations.

Silence Is a Great Conversation Tool

The group leader did a great job in using silence to draw out answers to the questions in both scenarios.

A big mistake many group leaders make is to start talking or asking another question if members don’t give an immediate response. But there are reasons to allow several seconds of silence after asking a question before moving on.

Some of your group members are probably deep thinkers who take some time to process things in their heart and mind before responding. Sometimes none of your members want to be the first to speak. Silence for several seconds allows members to think before they speak and build confidence to be the first to speak.

It will be very uncomfortable to allow that silence the first few times you do it. But it will be worth it.

Silence Can Signal a Problem

After I examined the questions asked in the scenarios, I discovered each had a problem which resulted in an extraordinary amount of silence without a response.

Clear Questions

In the first scenario, the question could be interpreted in two different ways. No group member was willing to answer the question wrong, so everyone sat in silence. Once the group leader said it was an easy answer, it was obvious which interpretation was intended. That initiated a significant amount of participation by many of the group members.

Modifying the question to be clear would have avoided the difficulty.

Ice Breaker Questions

The second scenario was different. In the end one group member reluctantly, likely due to the silence, gave an answer. But no one else was willing to answer even after a significant amount of silence.

What I didn’t tell you was this question was an icebreaker question. It was the very first question asked during the Bible study portion of the meeting. The question asked required a very personal response. It required the small group member to get vulnerable. It required the group member to take a risk in exposing themselves to the rest of the group.

If you don’t get their participation up front from some members, it will be difficult to get it later when you are trying to have very authentic conversations. The icebreaker questions cannot require vulnerability. The questions need to be compelling. If at all possible, the questions need to be fun.

Many group leaders want an in-depth Bible study discussion and shy away from asking questions like, “If you are a superhero, what power would you have and how would you use it?” But it is this kind of question that gets everyone to open up and start participating in the conversation so that those in-depth conversations can happen later in the meeting.

For your next small group meeting, be intentional with the questions that you ask. Make sure they are clear and don’t force vulnerability too early.

Question: What questions have you used or heard in small group conversations that have worked well or fell flat? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

This article originally appeared here.

On Getting Churches Totally Wrong

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There is a widespread impression that the U.S. mass media are deeply anti-Christian and anti-church and that this hostility echoes through film and television. I am not arguing with that basic idea, but the situation is actually worse than that. Generally speaking, the people who write scripts and make movies honestly have no idea of what Christianity is, or its most basic concepts, themes and institutions.

This came to me forcibly when I saw yet another film in which fanatical Christians emerge as the enemy, the advocates of fanatical homophobia, and the exemplars of personal hypocrisy. Well, we can argue with all those points but for present purposes, look how these far-Right intolerant churches are depicted in production after production. Virtually always, a church in such productions is a stereotypical church, with a tower, stained glass windows, clergy in robes and all the signs of a pretty high liturgical life.

If you know anything about the actual spectrum of contemporary American Christianity, you would likely object as follows: Actually, some churches are far more accepting or open-minded on issues of sexuality than others, and the kind of elaborate liturgical churches you are using here are at the far liberal end. They are classic mainliners, Episcopal or Lutheran or Methodist. The intolerant or homophobic ones, such as exist, are likely to occupy very plain structures, often virtual warehouses, without crosses or stained glass, and they actively despise such symbols as idolatrous. But when a studio sends out someone scouting for locations, they want a church that looks like a church. Or at least what they vaguely think a church might look like. And so they rent the local Episcopal church to symbolize homophobic fanaticism. Good grief.

Note to directors and studios: Christians actually cover a broad political and cultural spectrum, and you probably have people working around your offices who know something about it. Ask them.

Just to make one thing crystal clear: I am not using code-words. In making these comments, I am making no suggestion whatever that the hostility or ignorance concerning Christians arises from the Jewish origins of many people in the entertainment industry. Time and again, Jewish leaders and organizations have been among the most vocal in denouncing anti-Christian prejudice and persecution as it occurs, usually much more so than Christian churches themselves. And the mass media do a consistently lousy job of reflecting the views of any religion or faith, not just Christianity. The fact that Hollywood dislikes Christians and loves Buddhists doesn’t mean that it does a vaguely credible job of presenting either one of those faiths. If Jews are well represented in Hollywood (and they are), so are others of very diverse ethnic backgrounds, and certainly people who grew up in Christian families. I am describing a religion-impaired secularist culture, in which the ideologies are so deeply ingrained that members of this culture don’t even realize they are present: They are just part of the the air people breathe. This is not a conspiracy, and certainly not an ethnic one.

You can actually understand the religious agenda from another perspective. For a quarter century, homosexuality has been a key social issue for Hollywood, the flagship cause on which film-makers feel the need to Make Statements and Send Messages. In order to make any story dramatic, you need some element of conflict or opposition, so you need villains. With few exceptions, that means enlisting Christians, caricatured in the grimmest possible light.

There are indeed churches that actually are fanatically anti-gay, to the point of using violence, but they are extremely, extremely rare, and should not be invoked casually as plot themes. In one indie film I saw recently, a subplot concerned a promising young lesbian artist in New York City, who has the misfortune to live near a church. Christians raid her apartment by night to destroy her sexually daring work as blasphemous. Um, has this ever happened in modern times? Christian vigilantism and anti-gay militias in lower Manhattan? Wouldn’t we have heard about it? Are we thinking of fifth-century Alexandria?

I can’t back this up with social science, but I offer a theory. When film-makers think of Christians, and especially evangelicals, they are often imagining the Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps’ Merry Men (“We put the fun in fundamentalist fanaticism”). Worse, they are imagining Westboro as a significant presence within U.S. religion. In reality, the maximum total membership of Westboro constitutes about one three-millionth of all American Christians, so they are not quite a majority as yet.

Look at Kevin Smith’s 2011 film Red State, which is a thinly disguised version of the Waco massacre of 1993. It uses the grimmest possible vision of the besieged cult, the “Five Points Church at Cooper’s Dell,” which is based on the Westboro Baptists as much as the Branch Davidians. Members are depicted as bloodthirsty trigger-happy fanatics led by an utterly evil demagogue, and they double as a clandestine death squad killing real and alleged homosexuals. But as the title suggests, this is day to day religious life in the “red states.”

To look at such films more broadly, when Christian characters are introduced, they rarely have any function in the story except to exemplify intolerance and stupidity, above all in matters of homosexuality.

5 Roadblocks of Good Leadership

communicating with the unchurched

I was in a hurry to get to a meeting across town and traffic was horrible. I decided to take a shortcut. I had been the new way only one other time, but remembered it well enough to believe it would be faster.

I turned several streets to navigate through a subdivision, back onto a main road, and then through another subdivision. Just as I was about to get to the road I needed to be on, the road was permanently closed to through traffic. It had apparently been closed for some time.

Had I checked before attempting to go this direction, probably even long enough for Google maps to pick up on it, I could have avoided this roadblock. I essentially had to completely backtrack and get into the same traffic jam again. Only this time I was even 20 minutes later.

So, much for my shortcut.

It reminded me, however, of something I’ve observed in leadership. There are roadblocks in good leadership too, some of them we are aware of and some no one ever pointed out to us.

I’ve witnessed many leaders, including myself at times, become distracted from leading, as well as we should.

Many times it’s a natural occurrence. We aren’t feeling well physically or emotionally. Life struggles distract us and our attention to our work isn’t what we would want it to be. These times come in seasons.

There could be a problem with someone else on the team, which must be dealt with before you can move forward. These are usually seasonal and mostly unavoidable distractions. These are natural roadblocks every leader faces.

Everyone faces roadblocks.

It’s the roadblocks in leadership that we can avoid that tend to be most damaging. They detract from growth and destroy organizational health. If they aren’t addressed, it can set a leader back months, years, even an entire career.

As leaders, we must avoid these roadblocks, as much as possible.

Here are five roadblocks to good leadership:

Abusing power rather than extending power

Some leaders try to control every outcome, but end up wasting the valuable talent of others on the team. They limit the team’s possibilities to those the leader is capable of personally producing. As long as a leader refuses to release authority to others there will be a roadblock in the way of the ultimate potential of the organization.

The strength of the organization is in the strength of the team—and everyone on the team.

Making excuses for a weakness, rather than learning from failure

These leaders never admit a fault or mistake—for themselves or the organization—even though everyone around them sees it. They hide flaws, pretend everything is “awesome,” and try to make you believe life couldn’t be better. The underlying problems of the team are never addressed or corrected. Strengths aren’t fully maximized because more energy goes to covering up places that aren’t wonderful.

I saw this in the business world and I was the culprit. During a season when we were struggling to make payroll, I tried to hide from my banker and my employees. I should have made friends instead who could have helped me navigate through the season. In the church, I’ve watched well-meaning people ignore the real problems. They refuse to admit the trouble on the horizon. They won’t ask hard questions. They mask the troubles, but it is only stalling their ability to recover.

Favoring popularity over progress

I’ve seen leaders who care more about people liking them than about achieving the goals of the organization. When this is the roadblock, complacency and mediocrity become standards instead of excellence. Compromise is chosen over collaboration. Conflict is avoided and people will hear what they want to hear, but everyone (other than a few naysayers) is disappointed with the end results.

Holding grudges instead of building bridges

I once worked with a leader who would never allow anyone to challenge him personally. Whenever he felt threatened, he “blackballed” you into compliance or worked to get rid of you.

These type of leaders are diligent about protecting their image or reputation, so if you appear to question them they pit others on the team against you. They make it very difficult for people to know whether the leader is pleased with their efforts. Their style creates turf wars among team members as people scramble to meet the leader’s approval. Sides are chosen and the team’s abilities to effectively work together is limited.

Waiting for the perfect conditions rather than taking a risk

These leaders refuse to take steps of faith. They demand every detail be answered before a project is launched. They seldom place faith in other people because it’s too risky. This roadblock results in bored cultures and teams, slow or no growth, and eventual declines. The opportunity cost with this distraction is exponential.

I’m certain there are others. This list is only intended to get you thinking. Be honest, have you been a leader with one of these roadblocks? Again, we all throw up roadblocks at times in our leadership. We must attempt to eliminate those that cause the greatest disruption to progress. Discovering them and tearing them down may be a key to providing good leadership.

What roadblock would you add to my list?

This article originally appeared here.

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